To ask about your Self Esteem?

[SandandSky]

Having a conversation with DH tonight which at one point moved into talking about self esteem, firstly to do with someone else and then us personally.

DH said “I don’t really get it, I’ve never really felt that bad about myself. I think I’m great” and although he admitted he sometimes wishes he had more hair or wasn’t dyslexic for example, it never really affects his self esteem, and never has.

I in the other hand, have always been self conscious, over analysed everything about myself and my social interactions, had hang ups about myself… I thought this was normal and most people had something that made them feel a bit shit about themselves.

looking at us you can really see how he has never let anything hold him back whereas I have moved more cautiously through life. I really care what people think of me and he doesn’t.

really curious as to where you stand on this? Is it man/woman thing? DH thinks that a lot of it comes from his private education.

YABU - my self esteem is great/robust
YANBU - it’s normal to have something that really knocks your self esteem

I have pretty poor self esteem caused by being autistic, growing up with a very critical father, and over my life being dropped by friend groups fairly regularly (common for autistic people). They say that no one knows what an untraumatised autistic person looks like and I think that's true.

My DH seems pretty sure of himself though, but he's not introspective at all and isn't interested in self improvement in any way, even at work. I think he just coasts through life really.

I would be interested to know how to improve self esteem though, or even if it's possible.

I think mine is fairly robust. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not and work to my strengths and use them to my advantage. My parents have always thought the sun shines out of my arse (it definitely doesn't) but I've never been told anything negative about myself which probably helps a lot. I've also had very good relationships with men, even when I had my heart broken I never thought for a second it was because there was something wrong with me, even though I was devastated. I do think childhood experiences play a big part.

@atthebottomofthehill I agree about self compassion. It's such a helpful concept as opposed to self esteem which is more about comparison to societal pressures, eg looks, achievements, materials things. I know that when I struggle that I'm not the only one, and I don't have to make myself feel worse when I'm having a hard time. I probably wouldn't describe myself as having high self esteem but I've definitely increased my self compassion. Paul Gilbert, Kristen Neff and Mary Wellford are interesting people to listen to in this field.

I had a traumatic childhood but I think it had the opposite effect on me. In that from a very young age I seemed to just realise my parents were shit (to be blunt!) and that it wasn't me that was the problem. I have never blamed myself for anything.

What may have made the difference though is that I would always spend the whole summer in another country with my grandparents and they idolised me. So I did get a break and some healthy nurturing in those times.

My mum isn't cruel as such but she's very weak and ineffectual. She would ask my advice on things from when I was about 7 or 8! I think that maybe gave me an inflated sense of my own importance! Even now I can say anything and she just accepts that I'm right, even when I'm not.

I'm not perfect but I am happy with who I am.

I have great self esteem. I think I'm attractive but not maybe in a conventional way. I have a good figure and I work at keeping it that way and I like fashion and make up. I'm also confident it my abilities if that makes sense or at least I always try my best so I don't worry if others might not think what I do is good enough, as I know I couldn't do better. I'm not sure where this confidence came from. I was very shy as a child, I guess I came out of my shell more as a teenager but I don't think I've ever felt not good enough. I don't remember having any praise given to me by my parents other than maybe something along the lines of it great that they don't have to worry about me bev I'm sensible!