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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guests and children’s bedtime

119 replies

Whatthefluffing · 25/11/2023 22:02

If you’re at a friends house, you both have children of a similar age and it gets to the children’s bedtime, what’s the etiquette please?.

Im still wound up from an incident with friends last weekend, not sure if I or they were in the wrong.

OP posts:

Tryingtokeepgoing · 25/11/2023 23:23

Giveuprobot · 25/11/2023 22:25

You left guests downstairs unattended while you went to do bedtime? I imagine they were having a hastily whispered conversation on what they were supposed to do and settled on popping up to say goodbye?!

Show quote history

This sounds the most likely was it panned out to me!

Hollyhead · 25/11/2023 23:24

Why did you take so long doing bedtime? In that situation I’d do their teeth then tell them to get pjs on and into bed. No protracted bedtime when friends are round!

MsRosley · 25/11/2023 23:33

This is kind of the inverse of several family members who would come to visit for the day with their small children then insist on bathing them before getting them into the car to go went home. It used to amuse and irritate me in equal measure. I mean, would it kill them to miss a bath for one day? It struck me as odd that anyone could be so inflexible about a child's routine that they would literally strip them off and take over your bathroom.

angelikacpickles · 25/11/2023 23:35

Was it a school night? Could your child not have stayed up past their bedtime just once?

ACynicalDad · 25/11/2023 23:37

Don’t be precious, they are primary age, won’t harm them.

Emi199 · 25/11/2023 23:41

I don’t think you’re BU. We have neighbours who, when we had a youngish baby, invited themselves around at lunch time. Fine. They left at about 10, with their overtired, grizzly toddlers. We were trying to establish a routine and dropped every hint that it was time for them to leave until we had to say “We are all going to bed now.” I didn’t get annoyed about it as much as I was bemused at the apparent lack of awareness that we might be a tad tired and too busy to host for 9 hours! They even asked us for food when it got to dinner time too. 🙈😆 They are right CFs…

Cappuccino17 · 25/11/2023 23:44

I just carry on with the kids routines as normal. I'll say time for bed kids!
Sometimes guests actually leave at this point as I'll say I'll be about half an hr if you don't mind waiting. If i really want them to stay and I'm not so tired myself I'll say I'll be 10 minutes put kids to bed read a quicker story than normal and done. We then stay fairly quiet downstairs and if there are other kids we just tell them sssshhh baby is sleeping! It works out alright either way.

If it's a holiday or a non school night and kids are having fun i love to have them stay up later and enjoy themselves.

Dogcatmousecat · 25/11/2023 23:47

Well back in the day ie early 00s we would chuck all the children in the Bath together,PJS on ,last play together and then go home 🤦‍♀️It was that simple and no drama.

ManchesterLu · 26/11/2023 00:52

It is a bit annoying but it's a one off. If it really bothers you, just don't invite them again, or if you want to meet up, go out for a meal instead. Really not worth getting worked up over.

mondaytosunday · 26/11/2023 01:59

So you stand up and say 'thanks so much for coming but the kids need to go to bed now, let me get your coats...' and show them the door!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/11/2023 02:09

I don't really understand what you expected them to do. You said that they knew the evening was over and you had said goodbye downstairs - did you expect them to just let themselves out? I'd have found that really uncomfortable tbh, and I would think the host was being really rude. Surely most people would just make it clear that it was time to go, wave them off and then start putting the kids to bed. It would only make a few mins difference. Are you usually very rigid about bedtimes or something?

Floralnomad · 26/11/2023 02:11

I would have popped up to say goodnight as you hadn’t reappeared downstairs , it would seem rude just to leave the house whilst you were upstairs .

herewegoagain7 · 26/11/2023 04:16

@Whatthefluffing do you often get would up over petty things ?

IAmAnIdiot123 · 26/11/2023 04:27

I would have popped up in this scenario to say goodbye too, mainly so you knew we were going and could make sure the door was locked behind us!

Bluelightbaby · 26/11/2023 04:31

I would have ask them to leave and then put my child to bed. I wouldn’t of put my child to bed with them still there

Original poster

Whatthefluffing · 26/11/2023 05:14

some food for thought thanks. To those saying it was rude for me to put my child to bed with them still here, and then saying they’ve been going for ages, do I just keep my child up indefinitely?

OP posts:

Teatrayderby · 26/11/2023 05:16

You were very rude here. Sounds like you left guests downstairs on their own twiddling their thumbs while you put DC to bed. You should have waited until guests were gone, or said it would take a while and put a film on for guests or something.

SD1978 · 26/11/2023 05:25

When someone says right kids, bedtime in 20 minutes, then it's time to leave.

AlltheFs · 26/11/2023 05:27

Why didn’t you show your guests out before going upstairs? How weird.

I wouldn’t leave guests unattended to do bedtime and expect them
to let themselves out (family excepted). That’s really rude.

garlictwist · 26/11/2023 05:29

I wouldn't think I needed to leave just because you were putting the kids to bed. Why didn't you just ask them to leave if that's what you wanted? They aren't mind readers.

If I came for tea I'd assume I was staying at yours for the rest of the evening, til 9/10ish as that's usually what happens when I have a meal with my friends.

Original poster

Whatthefluffing · 26/11/2023 05:36

I thought they would leave as they’d been saying for ages that they were going. I struggle with social cues and I have autism hence asking on here if I was right to be upset.

OP posts:

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 26/11/2023 06:02

You should have put your kid to bed then come back down and said goodbye to them. Did you take ages doing bedtime? Maybe they assumed you'd come back down so when you didn't they came up to say goodbye. It would have been super weird of them to leave in the middle of you putting your kid to bed but if they expected you to take 10 minutes and you were still up there half an hour later they probably felt really awkward hence coming up to say goodbye.

StepRose · 26/11/2023 06:10

Assuming it's not a school night, I'd just go with the flow to be honest. We don't really do bedtimes at the weekend, step daughter just takes herself to bed when she's ready.

Autieangel · 26/11/2023 06:21

The host leads on this.

If you are happy for them to stay you say 'I'm just popping dc to bed, help yourself to a drink I won't be long. '

If you want them to leave, about fifteen minutes before bedtime you say 'oh look at the time I'm really sorry I will be putting dc to bed soon so we will need to bring this to an end. Hasn't it been lovely though?'

If you didn't set boundaries then you leave your guests guessing what's appropriate.

SwedishSchnauzer · 26/11/2023 06:38

in advance tell them the start and finish time… come round for 4 but will need to end 7 due to bedtime.

at the time directly tell the kids ‘stay downstairs, Geoff is in bed and you mustn’t disturb him’. Tell them off if they failed to do as asked.

plan the next play date carefully. So if they previously overstayed and interrupted bedtime have them round earlier for cake but not a meal

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