to let my grandad down at his funeral

[ilovehaggis]

My grandad died recently. I didn't see him loads in recent years but we were close and I loved him. I'm pretty devastated at losing him.

I have found out that he's asked that I read his favourite poem at his funeral. I want to do it because he wanted me to do it, but a) I really, really don't like public speaking and b) I think I'll be far too emotional to be capable of doing it.

Would it be awful to ask someone else to read it instead? I really don't want to let him down with his final ask of me but I don't think I can do it

You might find that you can. I read at my Granny's funeral and it was hard but I did it. It helped to sit between DH and my cousin - who was also doing a reading - as I felt secure between them. I kept a tight grip on my emotions until both I and cousin had read. After that I let myself cry. Sorry for your loss OP.

When our granddad died, my younger sister wanted to read a poem during the service. She was very worried beforehand that she wouldn’t be able to do it, and asked if I’d stand up there next to her for support, which of course I did.

Do you have anyone that could do the same?

Sorry for your loss 🖤

You won't be letting him down. Lots of people can't get through reading's etc so if you want to try and dont make it to the end and the vicar or whoever takes over thats fine. If you want to record it in your own time and have it played at the funeral thats fine. If you dont do it and someone else reads it thats fine.

Think about your Granddad and think if you said to him when he was alive that you had something you should do but really didn't feel comfortable doing and it was causing you a lot of anxiety what would he say? My bet is he would say you didn't have to do it.

Could you record it before the funeral, and then you (or someone else) presses a button to play it on the day?

You'd get lots of takes and could choose the one you like, and everyone would understand if you (or the celebrant) explained you didn't think you could get through it on the day.

It’s amazing where you find strength from in these circumstances. I read the eulogy at my dad’s funeral. I was only 27. It gave me something to focus on and I kept it together until afterwards. I felt it was my last chance to do him proud.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Is the funeral in a crematorium? Maybe you could record yourself reciting the poem and have it played at the funeral? Most crematoriums have audio equipment and you'd just have to provide an MP3 file.

You will be fine, do this last thing for him.

This is the last thing you can do for your Grandad. Do as he asked

You can do it. I don't like public speaking at all and managed to read a poem at my mum's funeral.

I did a poem at my nans funeral. I absolutely hate public speaking, it's one of my worst nightmares. But I was absolutely fine and it felt so good after to be able to have done it. You might surprise yourself.

I bet you can

And you’ll be very proud of yourself and pleased you did it for him

You could get someone to be your standby for safety

practice with a friend.

If there’s one occasion where it’s entirely normal and absolutely OK to (1) not read/speak terribly well, and (2) to be nakedly upset and emotional, it’s at a funeral. You’ll manage it.

You may find that you wished you had done it afterwards but it’s so hard to know! I had exactly the same situation for my DM. It’s easier to read something I think. Have someone standing by you who can take over if you need it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my support person start to get up twice as my voice wobbled but I did it to the end and I’m so glad I could do it. Hope it all goes well for you on the day x

I was going to suggest this. Maybe someone close to you, so they want to support you, but not necessarily close to your grandad?

OP yes you can. I did it for my mother's funeral and I had thought I couldn't. Take a deep breath and just do your best.
It's a final act of love. And you will find your inner strength.
Sorry for your loss.

How do you think you’ll feel not doing it? Would you regret it?

A lot of not liking public speaking is worrying about how you sound, making it perfect, not showing too much emotion. None of this is relevant at a funeral. You'll find, as many other posters have - myself included, that you'll do just fine x

You loved him and he loved you of course you won’t be letting him down.
he probably didn’t think about how hard you would find it and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to do if it’s going to worry you.
Don’t do it ask someone else or have it printed in the order of service.
Funerals are hard enough. Take care.

I had to read a poem at my grandfather's funeral. It was strangely a lot easier than I thought it would be, I think adrenaline kicked in. It's actually a nice memory that I have in some ways.

I was so so shocked that my brother managed to do the eulogy at our dads funeral recently.
It helped talking to the funeral director who was ready to step in as needed.
If I were you I would try but if someone else needs to finish off I wouldn't overly worry.
I'm sorry for your loss OP x

Your grandad has died, OP. He is at peace now and will never be aware of what went on at his funeral, nor can it possibly affect him in any way. The fact that he wanted you to read at his funeral says a huge amount about your relationship - that's what's important, not whether you actually do it or not. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Don't put yourself under pressure

I'm very sorry for your loss. I didn't think I could possibly read the eulogy at my mum's funeral last year and was shaking like a leaf before I went up to the lectern. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but as the only living child, I felt very strongly that I should try. Once I started, I sort of zoned out a bit until right at the end. I know I was crying whilst I was reading, but I'm sure most people do. My best friend did a short reading immediately after me, and she was standing next to me whilst I was reading, which really helped.

You need to try. Just remember it's a funeral, going to pieces/crying/shaking is all appropriate and expected behaviour. You don't have to hold it together. You just have to try because it's important to him and you will be proud of yourself for trying (even if you only get through the first couple of lines and then can't continue)

I had a similar experience when I was asked to speak at a close friend's funeral. The piece I was reading referred to her knowing she was dying and to her 2 year old child she left behind (so very very hard going). But my friend (and our group of friends) wanted me to read it - and I actually wanted to do this final thing for her and for us.
I can't help you make the decision but there are a couple of things I did which helped from a practical perspective. The main one was to read it again and again and again until I knew it off by heart. Like hours of practice each day for days. I read it so many times it was automatic so I could disconnect my feelings from it. I could remain in control of the urge to cry/break down.
I practised it in front of people so I knew which bits were tricky/might make me crack.
On the day I focused on the piece of paper and did not look up. Whilst this is 'bad' public speaking technique it meant I couldn't see other loved ones or catch the eye of anyone - that was another thing that kept my focus.

Sorry for your loss, I wish you well.

It can be very cathartic for you to do it, and you’ll be surprised at how much you can manage in those circumstances. You’re there to remember him, so is everyone else. It’s a rare situation where you’re all in it together, you’re all feeling it and there’s no judgement going on.

Have someone stand with you who also knows the poem and would be prepared to step in and finish reading if you need to stop. No one will think anything bad if you have to swap out, but you do need to try.