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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let my grandad down at his funeral

75 replies

ilovehaggis · 25/11/2023 20:15

My grandad died recently. I didn't see him loads in recent years but we were close and I loved him. I'm pretty devastated at losing him.

I have found out that he's asked that I read his favourite poem at his funeral. I want to do it because he wanted me to do it, but a) I really, really don't like public speaking and b) I think I'll be far too emotional to be capable of doing it.

Would it be awful to ask someone else to read it instead? I really don't want to let him down with his final ask of me but I don't think I can do it

OP posts:

Mariposista · 25/11/2023 21:05

I totally agree with PP. Please try. You will be amazed at how strong you can be.
I sang at my beloved grandmother’s funeral. I got to the end and fainted. Nobody cared, everything goes at a funeral.

lesdeluges · 25/11/2023 21:05

If you decide to do it, you will be so very glad and proud that you did. Remember everyone attending will be on your side too and no one is there to criticise you.

Can I give you a couple of tips?

Print out the poem in a LARGE BOLD font, it is so much easier to read when you don't have to squint and it is easier to keep your place.

Make sure you have the microphone close to your mouth, or as close as you can get it. Tap it to make sure it's on, that also gives a few seconds to gather yourself together. Speak up as loud as you feel comfortable with, but don't whisper!

At every comma pause and count "one " in your head, and at every full stop count "one, two" When we are nervous we want to get through it quickly, but by pausing like that it sounds very well delivered to the audience.

I hope you do it, and I know you will be glad if you do. Sorry for your loss.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 25/11/2023 21:06

My son stood up at his dad's funeral and said his eulogy. He was 19 and was so strong. He had a little cry in the car on the way to the wake. We both sat together and wrote it and he was so nervous beforehand.

I couldn't have stood there in front of everyone and spoken, especially getting evils from ex-MiL.

My cousin sobbed all the way through my aunt's last month. No one thinks worse of anyone being emotional at a funeral .

JudgeJ · 25/11/2023 21:06

MrsMarzetti · 25/11/2023 20:38

You will be fine, do this last thing for him.

And for yourself. If you decide not to he'll never know but you will and it will always be something you remember, maybe even regret. No-one will judge you if you find it hard and can't finish.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 25/11/2023 21:07

Have someone next to you as a stand by and then make a choice at the time. This is what I did, my best friend was next to me ready to take over but I somehow found the strength to do it. I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Kwer · 25/11/2023 21:08

He would just want you to be ok, he’d hate his request to stress you out. Get someone else to read it and really focus on the words while you listen, as he wanted you to think about them. I doubt he particularly wanted you to have to do public speaking, he just wanted you to experience the poem there.

Siha345 · 25/11/2023 21:25

You won’t be letting him down, you are heartbroken and it’s absolutely ok to feel like you’ll be too emotional. I know I definitely couldn’t have read anything at any family funerals. If you wanted to give it a go but found you were too upset and had to stop or ask someone who’d practised in advance, everyone would understand. But recording it in advance is a good idea if it feels really important to you. Your grandad wouldn’t want you to go through lots of stress and feel embarrassed, he would understand that you’re very upset because you loved him

Siha345 · 25/11/2023 21:27

“No one thinks worse of anyone being emotional at a funeral”

I second this. If anything, it’s expected!

CarrieMoonbeams · 25/11/2023 21:27

I'm so sorry for your loss @ilovehaggis . I think you've had some good advice here, and actually I like the idea of recording it beforehand so that if you really feel you can't do it on the day, you're still doing as he wished IYSWIM.

My friend died at the end of last year, she'd asked me to do a reading at her funeral.

I'm short sighted, so I took my glasses off so I couldn't see many people in the congregation. I'm actually ok with public speaking (used to have to do lots of it in my previous job) and I was fine until the very last bit.

It was a quote from the book The Little Prince, and the last line I was reading was "You will always be my friend." Absolutely broke me, but of course everyone understood. No-one will be surprised if you cry.

I really hope the day goes as well as can be expected, and I'm sure your granddad would understand, whichever decision you make. All the best.

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2023 21:31

Lost a friend of mine a year back

I am still amazed that 2 of their children(who loathe public speaking) managed to do the eulogy. It was very emotional for all concerned but they were able to hold it together (just) and are today very pleased that they were able to do one last thing for their parent.

sushiburger · 25/11/2023 21:37

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/11/2023 20:41

This is the last thing you can do for your Grandad. Do as he asked

He could have asked her to anything and she would have to do it? No.

I agree with PP who suggested recording it?

Sarahzb · 25/11/2023 21:37

Record it if you think you will
break down. I think that you will still honour him

Didicat · 25/11/2023 21:50

It is really hard, when my grandad died we were all asked if we would like to read, all the cousins couldn’t face it. My daughter aged 9 said she’d read the poem. Her grandfather on the other side gave her lesson on reciting poetry as he’s a priest. She did amazingly.

Run it through a number times with someone who will buoy your confidence.

carpool · 25/11/2023 21:52

DD and my DN both read at my Dad's funeral. They stood up together for mutual support. DD was overcome with emotion and couldn't quite finish hers and DN stepped in for her. It was fine. As others have suggested perhaps have someone stand up with you for support and who can step in if needed.

Zanatdy · 25/11/2023 21:54

Practice, practice, practice. I wrote and delivered a 7min eulogy at my dads funeral, shared his life, his passions etc. I spent every night on the week leading up to the funeral reading it to my adult son. We shared a room that week, and we sat there absolutely sobbing every time I read it. When it came to the service I just had it in my head I couldn’t break down with my kids there (youngest only 10 then) and I managed to do it. Everyone asked how I did it, and my answer was practice. It was the last thing I could ever do for my dad. My eldest wrote and delivered a lovely poem. It’s so hard but I really think it’s a massive privilege to speak at someone’s funeral. If you really can’t do it don’t beat yourself up, but lots of tips online about speaking at funerals. Sorry for your loss

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 25/11/2023 21:58

You might be surprised at yourself that you will actually be able to do it . I thought I wouldn't be able to read anything at my dad's funeral, but after talking to a friend who had written a poem for her dad and read it out, I decided to give it a go. It wasn't anywhere near as difficult as expected - and there's no need to worry about appearing upset in front of people, it's a funeral and to be expected . I just looked down at what I was reading rather than looking at people. Reading slowly is good.

I think the idea of asking someone to stand with you to support you and maybe take over if you get overcome is a good one .

Sorry for your loss x

RubySunset82 · 25/11/2023 21:58

Hey OP, when my dad died (he was young and it was sudden) the funeral was so so very emotionally charged, it was actually chaotic, no one could hold it together.

No one could speak, when we were ‘planning’ we had never planned a funeral before so we didn’t know what to do, nor did anyone give us any guidance.

My absolute biggest regret is that no one spoke who knew my dad. Yes the priest did. But it was so so so so sad that none of us spoke.

Please do this for yourself. It will mean the world to you that you did it.

Cosyblankets · 25/11/2023 22:04

I have no idea where the strength comes from but I've done it a few times.
You will find the strength
Have someone as a backup but you won't need them.
Go for it.
Do him proud

Vallmo47 · 25/11/2023 22:06

Your grandad would be so proud of you for just trying and wanting to do this for him OP. He would also completely understand if you couldn’t. I have a terrible phobia of public speaking and mixed in with the intense grief I know I would not be able to do this for anyone. But it says everything about how much he adored you, that he put it in his will. I would personally record it and go up and stand there with a close relative for support, and just press play on the recorder. That way you have honoured his wishes entirely while also being understanding to your own.
I’m sorry for your loss.

Lavender14 · 25/11/2023 22:12

Emotions are meant to be shown at funerals, it's exactly the place for the grief you're feeling to be shown because its part of appreciating that person and saying goodbye for now or whatever fits with your personal beliefs. If you get emotional during it, then that's only a sign of how much you care and that's a lovely thing. Noone will bat an eye. What you could do is give it a go and have someone as back up who can finish it for you (like whoever is officiating the funeral) if it does get too much. I think you'll be glad that you tried even if you get upset. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Okaaaay · 25/11/2023 22:19

Sorry for your loss OP. I can imagine this request is an uncomfortable thorn at an already difficult time. But you can do it OP. You’ll be proud of yourself for getting through it.

I say this having just been to a friend’s funeral - his 11 year old DC and his bereaved wife both spoke despite their devastation and having no public speaking experience or desire. They did it for him - it was an act of love and respect. You can take someone with you, cry, whatever is needed, but honouring someone’s wishes if only minor discomfort is involved is important.

2chocolateoranges · 25/11/2023 22:24

I wouldn’t be able to do this however my cousin spoke at his dads funeral and also our grans. The minister also had a copy of both “speeches” just in case my cousin couldn’t finish it and she could take over but he was amazing.

like others have suggested you could also record it before hand for it to be played at the service.

alittlequinnie · 25/11/2023 22:25

My DH wrote a euology for his Mum - was really lovely.

He was adamant that he would be able to read it - he's not a nervous type and used to speaking publically...

... but he only managed two of the four paragraphs written... and we never spoke about what to do if he couldn't read it... so nobody ever heard the last parts....

.... so yes, have a back up .... becuase DH no way could pull himself together on the day to read the last parts...

MissingMoominMamma · 25/11/2023 22:37

Take a few drops of rescue remedy beforehand.

Anneta · 25/11/2023 22:45

Please try to do this for your grandad. I read the eulogies at both of my parents’ funerals and that of my sister. I practiced beforehand and gave a copy of what I would be reading to the minister/ celebrant in case they needed to step in. It was fine. I hope that you will be able to do this.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

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