to let my grandad down at his funeral

[ilovehaggis]

My grandad died recently. I didn't see him loads in recent years but we were close and I loved him. I'm pretty devastated at losing him.

I have found out that he's asked that I read his favourite poem at his funeral. I want to do it because he wanted me to do it, but a) I really, really don't like public speaking and b) I think I'll be far too emotional to be capable of doing it.

Would it be awful to ask someone else to read it instead? I really don't want to let him down with his final ask of me but I don't think I can do it

My niece was asked to give a reading at my dad's (her grandad) funeral. She, like you, was extremely nervous and not sure she could do it. I explained to her that every single person at the service would be on her side and if she did get emotional they would simply love her all the more for it. I told her that I would be in the front row and if she really felt she couldn't continue she just needed to give me a sign and I would come up and support her. She did get emotional, as you would expect, but she knocked it out the park. You will too.

I wrote and read the eulogy for my dearly loved husband. I didn’t think I’d manage and had someone standing by but I did it. My voice only broke in the last line, it was my final love letter for him. If you really want to do it it is worth trying. I kept telling myself it was for him not for me. At the same funeral my dd read my husband’s favourite poem with a catch in her words but she did it too. Thinking of you with love and understanding 💐

He loved you and wouldn’t want you to do anything that caused you distress. You don’t have to do it. And you wouldn’t be letting him down. He’d understand I’m sure. I’m sorry about your grandad.

Please try to do it.

I was at a funeral with someone who was in tears that she hadn’t been able to do it in similar circumstances. The funeral we were at was from a mutual work colleague. It was some years after the funeral of her loved one. She was still devastated.

not a medic but I think there are some prescribed drugs that can really help you get you through it.

i did a eulogy for my mum as did my dad and brother. There is a great sense of feeling you did what you could to give them the farewell they wanted.

it definitely helped my grieving.

Whatever you decide, much ❤️ to you

Sorry for your loss. I read a poem at my grandma's funeral. I took Propranolol. It's a beta blocker but can be prescribed for performance anxiety. I can't do any form of public speaking usually. It was amazing. I was able to stand and hold the piece of paper. My hands didn't shake at all, my voice didn't shake. I was able to read it slowly and look out to the crowd whilst I was reading. Game changer. Hope you're ok x

My condolences, OP.

I just wanted to write that it's OK if you feel that you can not read the poem.
It's OK if you feel that it's too much.
Not everyone can manage to read/sing at a funeral. That does not mean you are letting your grandad down.

You can ask the person who is leading the funeral if they can read the poem.

Or perhaps read it while standing by his grave at a later date.

You wouldn’t be letting your Grandfather down. Funerals are for the living and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to have your mourning made worse by his request.

But it sounds like you’d get something from doing it - a sense of stepping up for a man you loved and who loved you. So I’d encourage you to think about some of the suggestions on this thread and see if you think there is something that might work and you’d be glad to have done.

I’d also say - It’s not terrible to breakdown at a funeral. If you try something and you end up in tears and can’t finish, that isn’t disrespectful, it doesn’t make you look bad. Visible grief at the death of someone you love is more than justified.

I couldn’t have done it either. I delegated the readings to people who were comfortable to do them. I’m sure you grandad would be happy with that as he wouldn’t want to cause you any undue stress or upset.

I read a piece we had written for our baby daughter at her funeral. You will find the strength. You’re doing it for them, let that be tour strength.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Regarding the poem, you're not actually doing anything for him even if you do it, because he will never actually know what happened at his funeral. TBH I hate hearing about dying 'wishes' which actually put living people under stress and discomfort, even if unintentionally. Did he know you well? Surely he'd realise that you're not a fan of public speaking, especially at a very emotional time? It's ok to say no.

I delivered a eulogy at my dads funeral.

Honestly, I wasn't confident at all that I'd be able to do it on the day. But my key was to practice, practice, practice. Say it out loud as many times as you can, so that it becomes a muscle memory.
I also recruited a trusted, no-nonsense cousin as my wing-woman, who sat on the end of a row ready to jump up and read for me if I crumpled mid-way.

But I did it. And actually, looking out at a sea of faces I knew loved and admired my dad, who I could tell were mentally willing me through, helped a huge amount.

To this day, it's one of things I am proudest of doing.

I'm full of admiration for those who can do this. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't ask anyone to do it for me, id feel pretty angry with someone expecting me to this for for them. If you do it I'm sure you'll feel proud and that you'd fulfilled his wishes but I think it's fine not to do it if you can't face it and to find another way of the poem being shared.

You need to at least try, you’ll regret it if you don’t.

That's not necessarily true.

Don't let people guilt or pressure you.

Your gramp is, unfortunately, gone. He won't know the difference. Arrange for someone else to read the poem and don't stress. 💐💐💐

Nonsense. Don't do this to her.

I absolutely idolised my dad, loved him so much and we were very close. I volunteered to write and read hus eulogy. I wrote it with mum who was unable to read it. I practised reading it aloud a lot at home beforehand. I was so happy i managed to read it on the day as a tribute to my wonderful dad. You might regret it if you don't do it, Op. My advice is practice, practice practice and nobody expects
top level reading at a funeral.

I sang at my mother's funeral - but it was pre-recorded in a proper recording studio. There is no way I could have done it live. I did not feel I let her down.

I'm sorry for your loss is there anyone who could take over the reading if you become too emotional? My brother and I both did readings at our mum's funeral, my brother became emotional during his and I took over for him.

To echo everyone else, do you have someone who would stand next to you and hold your hand? Or read it with you?

@ilovehaggis

It helps if you focus on one or two friendly faces of people you know and trust as if you were talking to them. Also do read the text of what you are reading enough times ahead of the day so you are comfortable with the words. If you can get the text printed in double spacing that also helps. I'm sure you'll do fine OP. 🌹

If you really, really don't feel you can do it, that's OK

But, like some PP, I think you could regret it later. Good idea to have a supporter who could take over if necessary

Remember, it'll be a supportive and forgiving audience. It's not like a big sales pitch or legal submission

That's a really good idea.

Have the Celebrant ready to take over if you need them to. It's not easy, but I would try at least.

I read at my grandmother's funeral. It was the last thing I could do for her. Imagine you are reading it to your grandfather alone. Take your time and remember to breathe. I think you will regret it if you don't try. He obviously thought you could do it.