To be so upset over work situation

[Ddimswr]

I work in a law firm and just back from mat leave.

It's always been an intense job and I've generally enjoyed it and thrown myself into it, not afraid to embrace opportunities and push my personal development.

Just before mat leave, I was top of my game, pretty much leading a team and the opportunity for promotion on my return was discussed.

While I was away a new colleague joined doing a similar role to me. He's been doing well and now I'm back we'll both be applying for the same promotion and one of us will get it (internal applications only).

As I'm only just back and trying to find my way again, I feel on the back foot and a bit dazed by everything still. Trying to adapt to working mum life and figure out new routine, juggling nursery pick up and baby illness etc.

I had this promotion in my mind for a long time but when I think about it at the moment, I just start crying as I feel like a diminished version of what I was before at work. I've convinced myself new colleague will get it and I'd be wasting my time as I've been 'out of the game' too long and am not at my best.

There would be a pay rise but some additional pressures too. Old me would be charging ahead to apply, new me is in two minds. I feel like I'm going to miss out big time either because I can't compete in the interview process or I just won't be in headspace to apply. It's like all my previous successes at work were for nothing.

I've been crying all week about this and I'm not sure what to do. I feel unreasonable for letting it upset me this much. I already earn a good salary in current role and I have nice life outside work. But work was my top priority for so long and it's hard to come to terms with changes and potentially missing out.

I don't know what I want from this post, maybe just some reassurance that others feel like this after mat leave. I can't believe how much I've cried this week (I definitely don't have PND btw)

Would others apply in this situation or would you leave it?

Oh gosh, I'm due to go on mat leave soon and this resonates so much.

Not sure how long you were off for but it makes total sense that you would feel differently now about your position at work. I very much doubt you're the only woman who feels this. Hopefully others who've come out the other side will be along shortly to give their advice.

Meanwhile please go easy on yourself. Your feelings are natural. You can do this. Do what you need to do to get that muscle memory of confident competence going - remember what you have done and what you can do.

All of the fears and doubts about how you will handle the additional challenges can be put in a different box. By all means think about what your development plan will need to look like in role and what you'll be able to action yourself and what you'll need their help with, but approach that as a constructive and proactive part of your candidacy.

Have you got a mentor in your firm or in another? Is there a family/women's network who could help with specific tips? Any senior male allies who would mentor you?

I don't know what the right thing for you to do personally is, but I know that I came back to work after Mat leave with a very different attitude to the one I left with before having kids. Suddenly things that were a massive priority to me before seemed quite insignificant now and my view on my work/life balance was completely different.

Your priorities will have changed. However much you care about work, you have been through a life change.

It is OK to change.

You could go for this promotion, or you could not. Both are valid choices.

My boss was always a good mentor but has also mentored new colleague too and is encouraging both of us to apply. I've been assured interview process will be fair with a selection of people from the firm involved in decision

I’ve also recently returned from Mat leave in a profession I love, which was my priority before baby, and been reckoning with the new life.

The job I’m in requires a quick mind, focus and long hours for success. I was wiped out by pregnancy and sickness while pregnant, in a high profile role and finding it difficult to keep up in an industry where I had been high achieving before. Coming back off Mat leave it has been a case of slowly trying to find my feet - but really galling to see men who I was at same level as or above before pregnancy promoted way above me.

I’ve been back at work now six months and finally feel some of my old spark coming back. Still it’s hard to juggle with family life. I guess at some point you just have to accept if you want to be a happy, fulfilled, present (by which I mean doing all the stuff outside working hours) mother, you can’t also be super high achieving in certain fields. In my own industry most senior women have no children or only children and I can see why.

Can you consider that motherhood is a very full time job now layered on top of your other paid job but your head is still only one deep. Sometimes things have to slow it may mean just taking more time to get there but enjoying the journey more. My career stalled when my kids were under 4yrs, just the sheer exhaustion and then endless bugs/colds you get slammed every few weeks is a killer. One of the parents inevitably ends up taking more of the mental & physical load of having kids , I had and still do have a very involved DH and my career has recovered more once my youngest was 7-8yrs old. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your young child too.

I can't say whether you should apply for the post or not, but just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. I've been back six months from mat leave and have never felt the same about work and my confidence levels are much lower. My maternity cover stayed on in a new permanent post and despite being the same level I feel less important. Everything just feels completely different now, but partly because my perspective and priorities have changed. I'm also extremely sensitive and how been crying a lot about things I wouldn't have previously x

You sound like you were quite black and white in your thinking pre-Mat leave, which is quite a young approach to life.

Having children complicates life, and some weeks will be a bit shit. You can’t always be fully on top of your game (you’d have found this as you and your career matured, children or no).

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to be perfect. Men don’t think this - the cliche that men apply for jobs when they are 30% qualified and women only when they are 90% qualified holds true.

You just have to be good enough - and I am sure you are good enough.

If you want it push yourself forward for it. If you want to leave it for a year that’s fine too, as long as you stay in the game you will get there.

You need a mentor who isn't also your boss

Whilst I always worked - I didn’t feel able to ‘push’ my career back up to pre child levels until they were 10/11
In the long run it didn’t make a huge difference I just got there a few years behind male colleagues and had the resilience some of them didn’t

There is an element of shock when you go back after mat leave.
The reality of how changed you are as a person because of the strong emotional journey you were on with the baby is a shock, at least it was to me.

I did feel different and 'left behind' while the work machine had rolled on without me (and managed fine!).
Turns out I was replaceable and it hurt to realize that.
You feel like you don't matter to work like you used to.

There's conflicted feelings. It just takes time to process it and to reconnect to the work and the people.
And to decide what's the right pace for you.

So much pressure for women nowadays, work and a full time role as a mother too?

Please don't put so much pressure on yourself. Even if you don't get the promotion I understand you will be gutted but you have been through a full pregnancy, labour, life changing experience and you have birthed your precious child which is so much more than a promotion even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

Promotions come and go.

If you don't get it this time look at it like maybe it is better as the promotion could put more pressure on you and your work life balance could be out of sync.

My husband got a promotion soon after my second child and the work life balance was horrendous. He ended up going back to his old position as he was so unhappy and even though financially it was better off it wasn't worth it.

Good luck with whatever happens and be kind to yourself xx

To counter the above posters who say their perspective changed after having kids...mine did, but as they've got older I've found I've gone back to the old me. The baby / nursery settling in / toddler stage is all consuming, physically and mentally exhausting. But it doesn't have to always be ok I've that. I got a promotion when my youngest was 3 and have done well since, despite taking two mat leaves and periods of sickness brought on by exhaustion.

Just trying to say that even if you don't go for it right now, that doesn't mean that's your career stalled forever, or you will always feel like this. There will be other promotions. I'd take the fact they waited til you were back, and are encouraging you to apply, as a good sign. Your confidence will grow as you find a new way of navigating balancing everything. Good luck!

The old you is still there, it's just a different you has been required for a while.

I promise you, the old you is still there and if you want, it will come out again.

Only you will know if or when that will happen.

Some pp were happy the old version never came back, some brought it back in 3, or 10 years.

As long as you are aware, by not applying this time will send a signal out, and it may take a fair bit of effort to change that when you are ready again.

Try to envision how you'll feel if you don't apply and someone else does.

If it's 'good luck to them, they're welcome to it!' Then dont apply. If it's 'I'm fucking raging, that's MY job' then you have your answer.

This sounds super positive!
remember, this mentor knows your capability “before” (when you had more confidence) and I’m sure Is aware of your relatively recent return
go for it!

don’t listen to your inner saboteur, we are all our own worst critics

What do you have to lose by applying?

I think this is common after mat leave. I was crying when i finished work to start maternity leave as I could not imagine not working every day. When I returned I felt as if I was in reverse, swimming through treacle for months on end. Didn’t find the mum thing a picnic either BTW. Your sharpness does come back eventually, it just takes time. I did get promoted soon after return from mat leave but did feel like a bit if an imposter for a time as I knew I wasn’t firing on all cylinders and I had lost all of my previous ability to multitask without writing reminders. Started making
notes and got a bit better! Baby brain is real, but it eventually dissipates!

Is this a ‘now or never’ promotion ? I think it’s fine to tread water and keep your hand in for a few years whilst life is a juggle, it doesn’t last forever.

I had four children in my late twenties and early thirties. I returned after each maternity leave and made a couple of sideways moves during that time to gain experience. I could still challenge myself without selling my soul !

When I turned forty I decided to push on again with my career once my youngest went into junior school. I’m now in my mid-forties, have taken two promotions and am doing well.

What I’m trying to say is that if you are good, you will be good now, but perhaps great in five years time when you have more motivation and dedication. You can still push yourself in your current role, but perhaps without the longer hours or trips away ?

Good luck, I work for a huge corporate but am in the tiny minority being a full-time working mother at my level, and having four teenagers now definitely keeps me on my toes !

I think you should go for it. In some ways it is easier to go into a new job after Mat leave, and it’s easier to start a new job when you have kids as you can create your boundaries at work from the start. It’s sometimes harder to go back into the same job you had when every thing about your life has changed.

If all you have seen is women coming back from mat leave and taking a step back I understand why this seems like a difficult decision - but it’s getting more common for women to come back from Mat leave and go into promotions and/ or to get promotions when they are pregnant. I think you can absolutely get the job - go for it!

also - men wouldn’t think twice about it! Which is worth reflecting on.

I've been here, and the truth is only you will know.
What I DID know was that I would feel v pissed off if I had to answer to the other guy and he was shit - I'd end up doing the job for him.
So I applied, got it - my boss said a few years later that the job was always going to be mine, and that THEY KNEW I'D HAD A BABY! I'd been massive 😂. But they wanted me, only I was saying 'but I'm not sure'.
I worked differently, but just as well.
Trust yourself - have the confidence of a mediocre man!

I sympathise with how hard it is to balance career and parenthood. A promotion opportunity came up during my maternity leave, which I inevitably didn't get because my head wasn't in the game and my colleagues heads were. I still work there because I'm in the NHS so options for moving are limited, but it did change my view on my place in the team and left me feeling less valued. A similar thing happened during my next maternity leave, with a specific role that my supervisor would have known I'd have wanted and it was just given to someone else who was new. It's not hugely dented my career but it's left a sour taste and I'd definitely rather go home to my kids now than go the extra mile - work will still be there in 20 years time when the kids are grown up and flying the nest.

But things change in a year off. And that colleage deserves the same chance that you do.

Put yourself in their situation, imagine being overlooked or excluded because someone who has been away for a year is coming back and wants the job.

It's fair for you both to have a fair shot, and the most suitable to get the job. If you're not in the right headspace and all the things you say above, maybe now is not the time for you though.

You were perfectly competent, then you grew and birthed a ɓaby and now you are juggling FT work with being a parent. I'm sure you are more than capable of doing the promoted post and you may regret not applying for it. If you don't get it this time round it doesn't mean you will never get there

Maybe be careful what you wish for. If you apply for the promotion, and get it, the extra work and pressure of the job may not really be what you want afterall, and having your baby may make you realise where life's priorities - and your priorities, lay.
Motherhood should be savoured and enjoyed, you never get the time back.
Your career, your position at work....it's just a job at the end of the day.

I’d schedule a chat with HR to say you are interested in applying, and to ask if there are ways you can best prepare for consideration.