To be so upset over work situation

[Ddimswr]

I work in a law firm and just back from mat leave.

It's always been an intense job and I've generally enjoyed it and thrown myself into it, not afraid to embrace opportunities and push my personal development.

Just before mat leave, I was top of my game, pretty much leading a team and the opportunity for promotion on my return was discussed.

While I was away a new colleague joined doing a similar role to me. He's been doing well and now I'm back we'll both be applying for the same promotion and one of us will get it (internal applications only).

As I'm only just back and trying to find my way again, I feel on the back foot and a bit dazed by everything still. Trying to adapt to working mum life and figure out new routine, juggling nursery pick up and baby illness etc.

I had this promotion in my mind for a long time but when I think about it at the moment, I just start crying as I feel like a diminished version of what I was before at work. I've convinced myself new colleague will get it and I'd be wasting my time as I've been 'out of the game' too long and am not at my best.

There would be a pay rise but some additional pressures too. Old me would be charging ahead to apply, new me is in two minds. I feel like I'm going to miss out big time either because I can't compete in the interview process or I just won't be in headspace to apply. It's like all my previous successes at work were for nothing.

I've been crying all week about this and I'm not sure what to do. I feel unreasonable for letting it upset me this much. I already earn a good salary in current role and I have nice life outside work. But work was my top priority for so long and it's hard to come to terms with changes and potentially missing out.

I don't know what I want from this post, maybe just some reassurance that others feel like this after mat leave. I can't believe how much I've cried this week (I definitely don't have PND btw)

Would others apply in this situation or would you leave it?

The question from me is do you want the added pressure at this point in time? Things change and that's OK. Having a baby is so life changing so it's natural and normal to mourn your previous life as well. If you really want this promotion (you want it now, not just because you would've), then I would say absolutely apply or you'll regret it. If you get the role make sure you've agreed with your partner that he'll take the lions share (ie sick days etc) while you get settled into your new role so you set yourself up to succeed as I'm sure you will. It sounds corny, but listen to your gut.

Surely it's not 'now or never'. Would it ease the pressure if you didn't apply this time round?

Remember who you are, nothing to cry about, apply for the job

I really feel for you OP - I’m a lawyer too and I found it so hard to get back in the swing after mat leave. It can obviously be quite an intense job and when I came back to work after having my baby I felt like I just couldn’t fall into step with where I had been.

I promise, it really does get easier and you will 100% get back to where you were before. It just takes some time. It took me a few months to really get my confidence back but now I’ve been back 2 years and I feel even better than I did before (and have had a pay rise and promotion in that time).

I think you should go for the job. You are the same competent, skilled person you always have been, even if you aren’t feeling it right now. If you don’t get it, that’s fine - there will be more opportunities. But don’t count yourself out when you definitely have the skills. The confidence WILL return with a little more time.

@Ddimswr it can be overwhelming getting back to work after Mat leave . It is also OK to take a back seat at work for a while- if that's what you want to do.

However if you do want to go for the promotion, you probably have to work hard to show people you are the right person for the role. So sit down with your other half and discuss this and agree to share time off for child's illness and have a back up plan.

These days even lawyer bosses are more understanding. However, the bottom line as always is getting the work done and bringing in new business etc.

I wouldn’t apply for it.
You’ve already got enough pressure as it is, you don’t want to add anymore right now.

Just focus on getting back into the swing of things and juggling being a working mum.

When you’re feeling more comfortable then you can hold out for a promotion or look for a new job.

Also, most workplaces don’t pay for the food/drink ime, so the company is already being generous.

Ignore me - wrong thread.

Your brain actually remoulds during pregnancy and early parenthood. It changes volume, prunes and makes new connections. It does take a while to adjust. I chose a 'slow track' for some years but also due to DH illness. You will find your own priorities. You have a lot to offer work as a mature parent, it's a different perspective not necessarily a loss.

Apply, you're good enough you know you are. Don't discriminate against yourself, there are enough people who will try and do that for you.

i wouldn’t apply for it - being a mum just adds more layers of stress and you still need to be you and have time for yourself
When I came back from maternity leave I carried on in my role but it was all too much - 2 children under 4, leadership role etc etc - I knew something had to give and it wasn’t going to be me. So I resigned from my leadership role went down to main scale part time (same organisation) best thing I ever did. Now my dc are older I applied for a promotion In a completely different role that had I not gone down to mainscale I would never have thought of doing.
work and promotions will always be there but time for yourself and time to spend with your family won’t be

Go for it! if you don’t, you’ll never know. Be brave and strong and masses of luck to you.

If you had just broken both your legs, you wouldn’t expect to be running marathons just yet.

There is absolutely no shame in just doing your job and being a mum.
You shouldn’t feel guilty because you’re not wanting to fight for the top spot.

You enjoy your job, you make a decent salary and have a nice life - I would hold on to that and wouldn’t want to change it right now.

Don’t put pressure on yourself, just because you think you should.

The only person you are trying to prove anything to is yourself and you’re already worrying about the interview and extra pressure a new promotion would bring.

Give yourself a break.
You’re already juggling working and being a mum.

They waited until you got back from maternity, because they want YOU!

Go for it, get some support with the interview and leave it to fate.

If it's ment to be you'll get it. If not then it's less pressure as a new mum and great interview experience.

Good luck!

This too. I turned down something when my LO was about 8 months that I really wanted to do (previous manager of mine calling me with a role), but I didn't think I could give it 100% and didn't want to lose the good reputation that I had established. Looking back im glad i didnt do it. So if you want to go for it and think you can then do it, but if you're not certain then I'd just wait. Given its an internal promotion and you'll know the manager why don't you have a coffee with them and have a chat

I resonate with @Katbum s post

I am high earning in tech. Always ambitious, always pushing, Excellent reputation very reliable.

I struggled massively reconciling motherhood with my career.
I took full year (which got some looks as generally it's 6 or 9m).
going back was odd but okayish until I got pregnant again a few months after returning. Now it just feels awful. I'm isolated on the back foot and left out of important conversations.

I was going for promotion before my first pregnancy they hired someone in above me while I was on mat leave which sucked...
BUT very honestly...
Has been better for me... I am sleep deprived, quite unwell this pregnancy and frankly not at the top of my game. I would hate to be doing the role above and would be insanely stressed.
This is something "old me" would not have said or felt.

The way I have squared the circle is by viewing it as a "service station stop" I am still on the journey I am just stretching my legs and refuelling. I can flex my hours and get an hour playtime in the morning and another before bed. I don't work weekends and a lot of pressure is on someone else's shoulder and I have bandwidth to be present with my DH.
That said a friend saw a job she wanted 4m pp and got it. She went off mat leave at 5m and has never looked back. She loves it . But she wanted it.
My struggle was admitting I don't want it (right now at this moment... In 2 years I might feel different)

I think you can go for the promotion if it's what you want but think critically about how you want your life to look before you apply. The worst thing would be to apply - get it and realise it isn't what you want.

I'm a lawyer too OP and have had 3 maternity leaves. For me the right thing has always been to stay with where I am and what I'm doing, reduce my hours, and just try my best to do a great job and enjoy it. I couldn't take on additional stress, hours or responsibility. Too much balancing. That has worked really well for me and I'm in a situation where I love my work-life balance.

I was asked after the 3rd one if I wanted to be part of a very high profile ongoing case when I returned and I said no - I was very interested but I knew it would absolutely kill me. Looking at the solicitors who took that on and are working all hours and running themselves ragged I'm so glad I'm plodding along happily with my normal caseload.

Everyone is different - if you feel like this promotion is right for you to try for, then do it. What I would say is jobs and roles and promotions come and go. In 5 years time you might feel like a new or different challenge, someone fresh and exciting might have come along for you to grab hold of. Time flies past when you have young children, it really does, so in a few years' time your life will already seem totally different.

Good luck whatever you do, be kind to yourself and be proud of what you've achieved so far and what you still have to offer the world!

Please apply OP, don't let a man take the job you deserve.

Your partner will need to step up to support you in the new role, maybe he can go part time?

Oh fgs…stuff like this is so unhelpful / ridiculous/ fanciful it’s laughable.

Firstly you can’t just randomly “go part time” in a lot of professional jobs - my job and my dh’s do not exist as part time.

Secondly, OP is not singled handedly responsible for fighting the war on sexism on behalf of all women everywhere.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman applying against her.

its about doing what is right for her…

Plenty of things that men can’t do…breastfeeding and just replacing the comfort a child feels with their mum!

and every relationship is not set up in ways that can easily accommodate absolute equality.

not to mention the unique hormonal and embodied experience of motherhood…

This is exactly why we have a sex pay gap. No matter how good family friendly policies are, the physical and emotional toll of being pregnant and having a baby falls exclusively on Women.

Each woman is different and no one can predict how they feel after may leave. What you are feeling is entirely normal for you. Your priorities have changed, as have the demands on your time.

Questions you might want to consider are do you plan to have more children? How far apart? How would a pregnancy with one child and the higher job feel? Sadly, these are not questions men have to ask themselves. Having a second child fairly quickly can mean putting your career on hold for a few years and then being able to progress. A larger age gap means promotion now may make sense.

I have seen women on maternity leave be promoted and thrive. Mums can be really effective at planning and organising and carving out time for their children

Whether or not you go for promotion will be down to what you will and won’t sacrifice in relation to your home life. You know you can do the job, you have the skill, knowledge and experience. Only you can decide what is the right balance for you.

Thank you. This is a balanced way to view it. When I'm rational, I can definitely see it this way but I think I just feel so insecure at moment and it's getting better of me

Thank you for all the comments, really helpful to know it's not just me.

My struggle was admitting I don't want it (right now at this moment... In 2 years I might feel different)

this has really struck a chord with me. I think there's a part of me that doesn't want it right now or to risk doing such a role when I'm not fully back in the zone, thereby losing my reputation. Its difficult to admit.

This promotion is essentially to head up a team officially so there won't necessarily been same opportunity any time soon. My boss did say there may be other leadership roles at some point (In case I don't feel up for it now) so it could be a blessing in disguise.

I have had the same experience when returning from maternity leave.

My career was a huge part of my life before a baby - and I am finding it really hard adjusting to the mental shift of my job not being my only or even more important priority. I've chosen to coast a bit and not take on any new demanding roles - I know it's the right decision for now because I cannot do it all, I don't have headspace to take on my responsibility at work when I've just got more responsibility at home. But yes, adjusting to the new attitude and focus has been tough. And I've tried to resonate with that fact that I got to where I am because I worked hard for it. And when I want to get back to climbing the ladder again, I know I am fully capable! I think making the decision for myself and having the control has helped me

posters are saying there’s no shame is stepping back and there isn’t. But there is another way - I had promotions after both of my Mat leaves - and it’s absolutely fine..

In fact I find heading up a team MUCH easier - you can delegate, you have more control over deadlines and when things happen, you can schedule team meetings etc at a time that suits you and your childcare commitments. You can decline meetings because you have to do the school run or go and see the school play and people think you’re busy doing important work because you are senior and you’re running the team. If someone else is running the team you have to do what they say which I think is much harder with kids. Being the boss is an ideal position to be in with kids. My experience is it gets easier the more senior you get.

It’s not about single handedly fighting sexism - but there are a lot of men out there in senior positions at work and who have kids and they make it work fine. So can you!