Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH or me out of order?

52 replies

Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 20:52

NC for this.

So I’m planning to take DS away for some 1-1 bonding time. I found a possible weekend and asked DH if it worked ok? I’d checked and shared calendar had nothing in it. He said yes. That’s fine. So I spent today planning the trip. Booked hotel and tickets to things.

I then see on Facebook that DSs group are performing that weekend. This is a hobby that my DH does the liaison around. He’d told me it was happening ages ago and may have mentioned the date at that time.

When I looked at the calendar this weekend was free. I’d have assumed any key events would be in there.

So today I see the event advertised on the weekend I’m due to take DS away. So I say to DH ‘Oh no! Is DS supposed to be in this?!’ He says yes. I say ‘But it’s when I’m taking him away!’ DH kind of shrugs and starts to say ‘you’ll just have to…’ and I say ‘But I’ve booked a hotel and tickets’. DH says ‘He’ll just have to miss the performance then, it’s not compulsory’. I say - ‘But it’s such a good opportunity- I asked you and you said this weekend was fine. There was nothing in the calendar’ - I was irritated and that came across. Gutted for DS he’ll miss it (although he’s not bothered).

He got really cross and defensive that I was irritated. So my AIBU is: Was it unreasonable to be irritated?

Or was it reasonable to be irritated, and he should just say sorry for not putting it in the calendar’

He is so angry about me being irritated it’s almost comical. Anger about irritation. Surely him getting angry kind of messes up his point that I shouldn’t have been irritable?

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 23/11/2023 20:55

He’d told me it was happening ages ago and may have mentioned the date at that time.

You are both BU and disorganised. I mean this sympathetically because I also sometimes forget stuff - but you are both at fault and both nuts for trying to blame each other.

The only person not in the wrong here is DS who sounds like he has the patience of a saint

UpsyDaisysarmpit · 23/11/2023 20:56

YANBU at all. But my DP does this. In fact, he's tried to book things for my DD's birthday, booked a thing with DS on our anniversary, etc etc. It's maddening.

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 20:58

Is it normal that I was irritated? What would you do if it was the hobby you organise and you hadn’t put it in the calendar and had said that date was fine? Would you say sorry. It’s this that pusses me off. He never Just says sorry. I would have felt bad and just said sorry!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 23/11/2023 20:58

But if your DS isn't bothered, what's the problem?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/11/2023 20:58

You seem like the the only one that has strong feelings about this event , so on that basis yes you’re unreasonable.

Not unreasonable that your DH should have put it on the calendar.

You’re DH is not unreasonable for forgetting about it when you asked. It happens especially if he didn’t have it marked on the calendar.

And your son may be unreasonable if he should have known about the event and/or you discussed the weekend with him before you planned it and he didn’t say anything.

in other words, I’d chalk it up to life happens and get over it

justalittlesnoel · 23/11/2023 20:59

I mean YABU in my eyes - your DS isn't bothered about not going, the shared calendar didn't have it on (sounds like you both knew about the event at some point) and you sound more bothered about a "good opportunity"?

Why does he need to say sorry? You've booked a weekend away, you're still going, your DS isn't bothered so it's not like there's an actual clash of events or anything?

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 21:01

No he should've put it on the calendar. YANBU.

Xmaspenguin · 23/11/2023 21:02

Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 20:58

Is it normal that I was irritated? What would you do if it was the hobby you organise and you hadn’t put it in the calendar and had said that date was fine? Would you say sorry. It’s this that pusses me off. He never Just says sorry. I would have felt bad and just said sorry!

I don't agree with you on this one. You've said yourself you were aware and forgot. DH has said it's fine for DC to miss the concert. DC isn't arsed.

Choose your battles. What are you going to achieve out of this? Make DH say a half arsed apology?

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:02

Because he forgot to put it in the calendar and he told me that weekend was fine and so now DS misses out on something we both felt would be good for him (DS I’d a bit avoidant if things that make him a bit nervous so we had agreed to give him a gentle nudge with this). I just think it was his responsibility to put it in the calendar and he didn’t. He just never says ‘oops sorry’. I think if he had I would t have been so irritated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:06

Xmaspenguin · 23/11/2023 21:02

I don't agree with you on this one. You've said yourself you were aware and forgot. DH has said it's fine for DC to miss the concert. DC isn't arsed.

Choose your battles. What are you going to achieve out of this? Make DH say a half arsed apology?

Show quote history

No. Not going to discuss it again. Just wondered if him getting angry because I was irritated was justified. Seems most think it was? I think it’s hypocritical- if I’m not allowed to be irritated at him not being on it (he has priors!) then he shouldn’t get really angry with me for being irritated. I also think in his shoes I’d have immediately said ‘shit, sorry, I didn’t get around to putting it in the calendar’.

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 23/11/2023 21:08

This kind of blaming and finger pointing must be awful to live with in a marriage.

Both you and dh knew about the event, and failed to put it into a calendar, and failed to remember it later when booking the weekend.

The right way to deal with this is to sit with dh and go "dh, both you and I forgot this important thing. We are so disorganised and bad at communication that we're letting our son down. How can we improve this?!"

The wrong way is: "yeah well YOU 'do the liaison around' this hobby so it's your fault you didn't remember when I put you on the spot about it having forgotten myself"

It's just a mug's game, finger pointing at dh's faults when you have the same faults. Next time it'll be you forgetting something you "do the liaison around". Just come up with better procedures

sunflowertime · 23/11/2023 21:10

Ahh it was an honest mistake on both your parents #parentingfail

Move on

Rjahdhdvd · 23/11/2023 21:10

I’d be annoyed with him too but he’s given you a solution

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:13

I get it’s just a mistake and that’s ok.

What I’m wondering though is was it reasonable to be irritated and was it reasonable for DH to get annoyed because I was irritated? I think a certain level of irritation here is normal.

It’s his job to put it in the diary by the way. He only mentioned it to me in passing.

OP posts:
Penguinfeetteal · 23/11/2023 21:14

Why can't DH take DS?

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:17

Penguinfeetteal · 23/11/2023 21:14

Why can't DH take DS?

I think you’ve misunderstood. I’ve booked a whole weekend away with DS and because it wasnt on the calendar he’ll now miss a once a year opportunity we were both keen for him to have. Which I found irritating. DH very angry about my irritation. Which seems to be the consensus that I was unreasonable to be irritated in the first place. Which I’m not quite ready to accept yet! 😂

OP posts:
Allinadayswork80 · 23/11/2023 21:17

I’m with you OP, my DP never puts anything on the calendar or checks what I’ve put either, then we/he end up double booking. And he never just says sorry for fucking up, always gets angry and defensive when all I want is a simple “oops sorry about that, my bad”

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:18

Allinadayswork80 · 23/11/2023 21:17

I’m with you OP, my DP never puts anything on the calendar or checks what I’ve put either, then we/he end up double booking. And he never just says sorry for fucking up, always gets angry and defensive when all I want is a simple “oops sorry about that, my bad”

Thanks. Do you get irritated with him? Do you show it? I wish I could hide it but this is something he has form for too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:21

Rjahdhdvd · 23/11/2023 21:10

I’d be annoyed with him too but he’s given you a solution

Thanks.

No solution sadly. Can’t change the hotel or tickets so he’s just going to have to miss it. He’s ok and I can let it go. It’s DHs anger at my initial irritation I’m feeling most annoyed by. And that he could just say sorry.

OP posts:
Allinadayswork80 · 23/11/2023 21:24

Oh hell yeah! We have an argument because I get more irritated that he can’t just simply hold his hands up and apologise! Eventually he backs down and apologises - which is all I wanted in the first place. Seems to be our general MO 🙄

Penguinfeetteal · 23/11/2023 21:25

Yes totally misread the first line of your OP! Apologies! I'd be frustrated too though! Especially if this is a way of dividing up "responsibilities" including the mental load which he hasn't done by adding it to the calendar. All would have been avoided if he did his part.

Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:26

Allinadayswork80 · 23/11/2023 21:24

Oh hell yeah! We have an argument because I get more irritated that he can’t just simply hold his hands up and apologise! Eventually he backs down and apologises - which is all I wanted in the first place. Seems to be our general MO 🙄

We are leading parallel lives!! It’s such an easy thing to do. I don’t even need him to mean it! Just say it. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:29

Penguinfeetteal · 23/11/2023 21:25

Yes totally misread the first line of your OP! Apologies! I'd be frustrated too though! Especially if this is a way of dividing up "responsibilities" including the mental load which he hasn't done by adding it to the calendar. All would have been avoided if he did his part.

It is indeed a way of dividing up the mental load. It’s taken me years to get to the point where, to be fair, he has taken on his fair share now. Took me to get to near breakdown though! I was so burnt out.

It’s ok that he forgot. I would have liked a sorry. But him getting angry because I got irritated was the thing that I’m still struggling to let go of.

OP posts:
gannett · 23/11/2023 21:29

Missingperformance · 23/11/2023 21:17

I think you’ve misunderstood. I’ve booked a whole weekend away with DS and because it wasnt on the calendar he’ll now miss a once a year opportunity we were both keen for him to have. Which I found irritating. DH very angry about my irritation. Which seems to be the consensus that I was unreasonable to be irritated in the first place. Which I’m not quite ready to accept yet! 😂

Show quote history

I don't think you're unreasonable to have been irritated, it was an irritating thing that happened. But it's pretty bog-standard irritating and you just have to have a little huff then move on. It's unreasonable to still be stewing on your irritation (so much so that you're asking the internet to justify it) and turning it into a weird meta-irritation issue about how everyone reacted to the original irritating thing.

GrumpyOldCrone · 23/11/2023 21:31

I’m with you, OP. If your husband doesn’t take responsibility for his share of the admin, he should at least apologise when he screws up. And he’s got no excuse to be angry when you’re pissed off about it.