DH or me out of order?

[Missingperformance]

NC for this.

So I’m planning to take DS away for some 1-1 bonding time. I found a possible weekend and asked DH if it worked ok? I’d checked and shared calendar had nothing in it. He said yes. That’s fine. So I spent today planning the trip. Booked hotel and tickets to things.

I then see on Facebook that DSs group are performing that weekend. This is a hobby that my DH does the liaison around. He’d told me it was happening ages ago and may have mentioned the date at that time.

When I looked at the calendar this weekend was free. I’d have assumed any key events would be in there.

So today I see the event advertised on the weekend I’m due to take DS away. So I say to DH ‘Oh no! Is DS supposed to be in this?!’ He says yes. I say ‘But it’s when I’m taking him away!’ DH kind of shrugs and starts to say ‘you’ll just have to…’ and I say ‘But I’ve booked a hotel and tickets’. DH says ‘He’ll just have to miss the performance then, it’s not compulsory’. I say - ‘But it’s such a good opportunity- I asked you and you said this weekend was fine. There was nothing in the calendar’ - I was irritated and that came across. Gutted for DS he’ll miss it (although he’s not bothered).

He got really cross and defensive that I was irritated. So my AIBU is: Was it unreasonable to be irritated?

Or was it reasonable to be irritated, and he should just say sorry for not putting it in the calendar’

He is so angry about me being irritated it’s almost comical. Anger about irritation. Surely him getting angry kind of messes up his point that I shouldn’t have been irritable?

Ha ha ha. Yeah. Good point. I don’t know. I’m just a bit baffled as to why it all blew up so much. It’s a mistake he made. I got irritated. I don’t think he needed to get so angry (he stormed off and slammed a door) - I’m peri and just not quite myself - so I guess I want to check myself really. It’s helpful to hear other perspectives. I’m not stewing really, other than about his OTT (in my mind) anger.

You're both being unreasonable. It was an unfortunate mistake. Mistakes happen. He needs to own it. You need to let it go.

You both knew about it. Neither put it in the calendar. YABU.

Yeah but you’re even starting threads on mumsnet about it.

it was a silly mistake, your son doesn’t mind. Let it go.

I’m with you op.

I not only have to add to the calendar, I also have to send dh a fucking outlook invite to any kids stuff he needs to remember. So when he came back and told me the date for something to do with dc that he had organised so that I could send him an invite to that too, I’m afraid I saw red. He at least had the good sense to look a bit sheepish while I explained to him yet again that I’m his wife, not his fucking PA. If he’d been annoyed at me calling him out I’m not sure I’d still be married to him. Yanbu.

Thing is he was irritated too and no one's at their best when they're irritated.

Have I, when irritated about something that was a bit my fault but a bit DP's, been irritated about it, then also irritated that he's snappy or huffy? Yes, many times. Given that I can be fairly snappy I'm sure he can say the same of me. But you just take a deep breath, roll your eyes (without them seeing!) and move on because it's not worth it becoming A Thing.

He’s much better these days to be fair. I think it’s his level of anger that I’m most bothered by. Making me think that my irritation was completely unreasonable.

I'd be annoyed too, but I think you need to accept with this one that you've passed the mental load for this hobby to your DH and therefore he can make decisions as to whether it is OK for your DS to miss this event or not (and therefore whether or not it is a disaster that he didn't put it in the diary)

The problem here is that you are retaining some of the mental load for this hobby in that you think you care more about it, and whether your DS misses it, then your husband, and you think you are making decisions in the best interests of your son, whereas he is just disorganised.

I'd let this one go as not being your problem since your son isn't bothered about it. At some point, your husband will screw up in a way that your son will care about - when this happens, make sure that you don't charge in to save the day but stand back and let him deal with the consequences of letting your DS down himself.

The anger/irritation thing makes me think that maybe he realises that he's dropped a ball on this. None of us like having our mistakes pointed out to us.

Tbh, I'm human so I'd also be tempted to stick the knife in a bit. I'd probably say something breezily like "Shame, that would have been good for DS. Hopefully you can get your shit together so he doesn't miss out next time". And then leave it.

Haha 😂 Exactly! I think it’s an upbringing/background thing. His DM is the same, can’t take any criticism whatsoever, automatically goes into defence mode. It would be so much easier to just apologise!

Yeah. Not worth becoming a thing. For sure. I agree. I guess I’m left feeling like I’m unhinged fit being irritated in the first place and that showing. Because of his level of anger, I’m wondering if I was awful for getting irritated in the first place. So hence coming on here. Helpful to hear different views.

It’s clear it’s not clear cut. Some are saying it was understandable to get irritated. Some not.

The way he responded was as if I’d said ‘you are a shit dad and a shit human being’ or worse. It seemed disproportionate. I felt it was just normal family stuff. A bit of irritation at an oversight. So I’m left a bit bewildered by his outburst.

It’s all calm now and it’s blown over but he will raise it again and I want to feel clear whether I was completely unreasonable. A bit unreasonable. Or just being an average wife and mother.

I say - ‘But it’s such a good opportunity- I asked you and you said this weekend was fine. There was nothing in the calendar’ - I was irritated and that came across. Gutted for DS he’ll miss it (although he’s not bothered).

So this is all about YOUR feelings. DS isn’t bothered and honestly you come across as one of those pushy performance parents in this post.

If you’re someone who is always getting irritated and obsessive over non issues, which sounds like you are tbh, then it’s not unreasonable the other person will get fed up and annoyed too.

I don't think it's that big of a deal.

My DH is pretty self sufficient but when he mentions any plans outside of our usual schedule I put it in my iPhone calendar. 95% of the time he remembers the event, the other 5% he's grateful when I remind him. After a few years together he started doing the same thing whenever I mention doing something.

Oh crikey. You are right. I do still feel responsible. I feel bad DS will miss the opportunity. I feel bad that they might have been relying on him. I feel embarrassed that the organiser has been mucked about. But it’s not my responsibility!! I haven’t totally let go of the mental load of it. I’m the main earner and work longer hours. He is mostly SAHP. It’s taken a long time for us to get to a place where he’s doing his fair share and I’m trying to readjust my mindset.

Yes. You are right in that I am the only one feeling gutted for him. Def not a pushy parent - my parents never pushed me to do anything so we both do push a little. But only a little. We both felt this would be good for him as it’s only nerves making him not be bothered but last year he was really glad he did. Def not pushy performance parent!

Might be some truth in that but I let a lot go. I guess this taps in to all the other times it’s happened that DC have missed out on stuff. I think I would have let this slide if I’d paused to think or if he’d just said ‘oops sorry’. But he immediately got angry at my slight sign of irritation. He’s very scatty. Very disorganised by nature. He’s trying a lot harder recently though. Still no reason to shout me down, storm off and slam a door though? But, yeah, I perhaps shouldn’t have been irritated. Hard to hide it though.

I feel you so hard. My husband will never apologise for stuff that's his fault, or maybe even just partly his fault, or even just his responsibility. It's as if any any slight hint that I am less than impressed IS heard by him as "you are a shit dad/husband and a shit human". I don't know wtf goes on in his head but presumably his self esteem is in the toilet because he does not hear what I say.

It drives me up the fucking wall. If I say "hey, I felt a bit hurt when... ", I want to hear "sorry love, I didn't mean to hurt you" not "Well, I haven't done anything wrong!!! What about when YOU..."

It's like they haven't learned how to go along to get along. That the word "sorry" is a social lubricant, not an admission of failure.

And it’s such a short word. Like I said before, I don’t even need him to mean it!! 😂

I would be pissed off that he didn’t just admit he’d dropped the ball here and apologise to you and your son.

Also I hope your H, not you, is the one dealing with the apologies to those let down re the concert.

Might be some truth in that but I let a lot go. I guess this taps in to all the other times it’s happened that DC have missed out on stuff. I think I would have let this slide if I’d paused to think or if he’d just said ‘oops sorry’. But he immediately got angry at my slight sign of irritation. He’s very scatty. Very disorganised by nature. He’s trying a lot harder recently though. Still no reason to shout me down, storm off and slam a door though? But, yeah, I perhaps shouldn’t have been irritated. Hard to hide it though.

Oh so it’s not just a bit of a disagreement he’s shouting at you, storming off and slamming doors, for something HE forgot to do. Does he react like this a lot?

Yes. He will do all that.

If he feels wronged somehow he gets very angry. He’s working on it. In this situation though I’m not sure if it was OTT or reasonable given my irritation. I don’t want to feel cow towed into never expressing irritation, but equally don’t want to be unnecessarily irritable. Hence wondering if my irritation was ‘normal’.

So you're still going to go ahead and take DS away instead of let him do his performance?

Just go away with a friend and let him stick to his original plans

Why?