DH or me out of order?

[Missingperformance]

NC for this.

So I’m planning to take DS away for some 1-1 bonding time. I found a possible weekend and asked DH if it worked ok? I’d checked and shared calendar had nothing in it. He said yes. That’s fine. So I spent today planning the trip. Booked hotel and tickets to things.

I then see on Facebook that DSs group are performing that weekend. This is a hobby that my DH does the liaison around. He’d told me it was happening ages ago and may have mentioned the date at that time.

When I looked at the calendar this weekend was free. I’d have assumed any key events would be in there.

So today I see the event advertised on the weekend I’m due to take DS away. So I say to DH ‘Oh no! Is DS supposed to be in this?!’ He says yes. I say ‘But it’s when I’m taking him away!’ DH kind of shrugs and starts to say ‘you’ll just have to…’ and I say ‘But I’ve booked a hotel and tickets’. DH says ‘He’ll just have to miss the performance then, it’s not compulsory’. I say - ‘But it’s such a good opportunity- I asked you and you said this weekend was fine. There was nothing in the calendar’ - I was irritated and that came across. Gutted for DS he’ll miss it (although he’s not bothered).

He got really cross and defensive that I was irritated. So my AIBU is: Was it unreasonable to be irritated?

Or was it reasonable to be irritated, and he should just say sorry for not putting it in the calendar’

He is so angry about me being irritated it’s almost comical. Anger about irritation. Surely him getting angry kind of messes up his point that I shouldn’t have been irritable?

I think it’s perfectly normal and indeed healthy to be irritated that your H is getting “very angry” with you!

There is obviously a lot more going on than this one incident.
You’ve mentioned he’s only just begun to “do his fair share” despite him being the SAH parent. but you nearly had a nervous breakdown to get there. This is so sad @Missingperformance He sounds awful to be honest.

I think you're getting a lot of replies weighing up if feeling irritated is OK in this specific situation (not unreasonable given that's what you asked) but the weekend isn't really the issue, is it? The mess up over the weekend is an example to you of your husband not being able to admit small mistakes and just say sorry. The reason you feel potentially unreasonable levels of irritated over it is presumably because this is another example in a long long of instances where you feel he hasn't taken responsibility and you're annoyed by the whole lot of it.

As a standalone situation this one is probably mildly irritating and disappointing, as part of a larger pattern it's more irritating, and as part of a larger pattern that has now affected DS, it's even more irritating. If it's something that's been an ongoing issue (lack of responsibility) that you've talked about before, he hasn't changed, and now you feel your DS is being let down as a result, then I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do. It'd be very frustrating.

I think it would be possible in future to have a conversation about it but the conversation would need to move away from what I'd call a 'surface level' discussion of the weekend, and be a more frank and deeper talk where you say "I think I felt so unreasonably annoyed about that weekend because I think I was seeing it as part of a larger pattern where you not feeling able to just say sorry for small mistakes" or something. Try to make the statements "I felt..." not "you did..." based to avoid defensiveness from him, and be prepared to listen and discuss if he feels this isn't an example of the 'thing' you've presumably talked about before.