Page 2 | AIBU to want to spend the same amount on presents

TheNoodlesIncident · 23/11/2023 10:24

So SIL now has 3 kids and we have 2. She wants us all to spend £15 on each kid but as she now has 3 I want to split it evenly and spend £10 on each of hers.

She can't dictate how much you spend. That's simply not her decision to make. Fair enough if it was a suggestion only but even so, you don't have to capitulate.

I do think you're being miserly though. How unfair to take it out on the kids when they have no control over how many siblings they have. It's different for the actual parents - my sister has two and struggles to keep the spend/value to the kids as close as she can get, because she wants to be fair to her two dc.

I only have one dc but when I buy for sister's two, I try to keep the amount similar for the same reason. What I DON'T do is look at how much DSis is spending on my one and calibrate the amount I'm spending based on that. It's just daft. They are people in their own right, not instruments of spending.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 10:29

When I was pregnant with dc 3 my sil told me in front of my dc that she was stopping buying now as 3 dc was ridiculous. She went on to have 6 after I divorced her db. She was a nasty cow also op...

FiveShelties · 23/11/2023 10:30

Don't tell me, you changed username for this as it was identifying.😂

Original poster

Natspenc · 23/11/2023 10:30

gosh didn’t realise how negative everyone would be.
I guess it’s the principle and it came about as last year my brother who has 1 kid said he was spending twice as much as me so I realised that was mean so told him to spend half the amount on my kids so we spend the same.
money is tight this year so I guess I am thinking about money more.
I am also annoyed as she always seems to give hand me down second hand toys as presents and then requests things for her kids more than the amount we have said

OP posts:

Twentypastfour · 23/11/2023 10:32

If you can’t afford it, then don’t do it.

If you can however, it seems ridiculous to quibble about £15 especially when it comes to children. My DC are the only children in both mine and DH’s wider families. They still get bought things even though we obviously can’t reciprocate to children that don’t exist.

Also does £15 mean exactly £15? I’d take it to mean in the region of £15… so £10-20 give or take. It would seem ridiculous and wasteful to buy a load of crap to hit the £15 target exactly, far better to buy something you think the child wants which might cost less, might cost more.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 10:33

Are you actually envious she has 3 dc?

thetworonnies · 23/11/2023 10:33

I'm childless. Definitely going to stop buying for my nieces and nephews! What a mug I've been.

Sceptre86 · 23/11/2023 10:33

Good god, buy whatever you can afford. So don't stick to x amount but whatever you are happy to. It doesn't have to be so transactional.

Your sil is a CF I get it so is mine. She's similar with her son requesting items for his birthday yet they never ask any of mine(I have 3 to their 2) what they would like. I've taken to chuckling when nephew requests things outwith our budget and say that's a gift your parents can get you.

Re your brother I would have just said spend whatever you are happy too without feeling resentment. 2 of my siblings have no kids yet and they buy for 4 nieces and nephews, the gifts will stop when ours are 18 but then their own (should they have any) will be younger so it all evens out in the end.

My mantra is to spend what I am happy with without causing resentment.

cardibach · 23/11/2023 10:35

I can't ever imagine agreeing a price like that. I get something people will like, within a vague overall budget. Some may get way more one year. It evens out over a lifetime.

Twentypastfour · 23/11/2023 10:35

I am also annoyed as she always seems to give hand me down second hand toys as presents and then requests things for her kids more than the amount we have said

Well put a stop to this?

So either-
a) start requesting things back
b) tell her that you will just get something you think her DC will enjoy, not from her list; or
c) try and source the things she’s suggesting second hand too?

Or a mixture of all three?

I don’t see what’s wrong with second hand. Some of my DC’s presents this year will be second hand, some won’t be. It literally just depends on what I can find. If I’m looking for a particular toy and I can find it on Vinted, win win.

Catza · 23/11/2023 10:37

I don't know how families even get to the point where they arrive at specific budgets for gifts. I have never had to provide the receipt for things I buy for my family, or anyone else, for that matter.

TolkiensFallow · 23/11/2023 10:37

I’m with your husband. Seems a bit odd. Can’t you just have a ball park figure?

SpringingJoy · 23/11/2023 10:40

My dad's dead. Dh's isn't.

This year I'm going to spend double on my mum from the family budget to make sure it's equal and that the same is being spent on each set of parents. The same about can be split between dh's two parents so that it's fair.

Dh can tell his mum that she only gets half the amount spent on her as my mum does, I'm sure that won't cause any upset at all.

wednesday32 · 23/11/2023 10:41

Select gifts from a store that has 3 for two. You still spend £30 and each child will have a gift worth £15-solved.

Keeva2017 · 23/11/2023 10:42

Wow, you must be a runner for Aunty of the year award.

Original poster

Natspenc · 23/11/2023 10:43

I do see how it seems so Scrooge now and I only think it has only come about because of her. I never used to be like this. … she never lets us buy what we want to buy her kids - she will send us a link to an exact present more than the amount she has stated. And then give us a toy she has had for years and so doesn’t spend anything.

OP posts:

Wanttobeok · 23/11/2023 10:46

I have 1 child, my brother has 3.

We spend £25 on each child. So I pay £75 and they pay £25. Doesn't bother me in the slightest 🤷‍♀️

To be honest I'm crap at budgeting and love buying present so always go over the £25 anyway

Schum · 23/11/2023 10:47

I think it’s fine. I have 4 kids, my SIL has 2. I spend £20 a child on hers and she spends £10 each on mine. No issue, I definitely wouldn’t expect her to spend more in total on mine.

CrazyBaubles · 23/11/2023 10:47

So it's her attitude, not the money that's annoyed you.
That's fair - but you need to address that in some way.

Send her links to things for your dc - make sure they're in budget but send them asap.

Also, why do you buy the gift she tells you to? My SIL uses a kids wish list for my nieces but we aren't expected to buy exact things from it - it's there for us to get ideas on what the girls would like. Then we buy what we want, using the budget we want to spend.

If the link if for a puzzle for example, look for something similar, in budget and get that.
Or go through your kids toys and give that.

dixeypeach · 23/11/2023 10:49

I aim to spend £20 each on my siblings and their children. I've just ordered all their presents. Some of the kids stuff was £14 and some £18 they will all get their presents and a selection box and that will be that. The adult ladies I got the same thing (hair care) £17.50 each I will go to primark and buy them a pack of scruchies to go with them now that might go over the £20 but I save on the kids stuff so it all balances out in the end. And the best thing is nobody will know how much I spent on each because their not going to ask for receipts are they.

Op I think your over thinking it. But then all something that looks the same value and get on with your Xmas.

Catza · 23/11/2023 10:49

Natspenc · 23/11/2023 10:43

I do see how it seems so Scrooge now and I only think it has only come about because of her. I never used to be like this. … she never lets us buy what we want to buy her kids - she will send us a link to an exact present more than the amount she has stated. And then give us a toy she has had for years and so doesn’t spend anything.

What do you mean "she never lets you". Does she physically prevent you from getting an alternative present, does she purchase a present herself and then takes you to small claims court for the cost reimbursement? Please stop being so helpless. Nobody can prevent you from doing whatever you want to do.
"Hey sis, this is the list of gifts I want you to buy for my children"
"Thank you but we already bought them gifts"
End of

Gillypie23 · 23/11/2023 10:51

Stop being so petty.

Dweetfidilove · 23/11/2023 10:53

😂😂😂😂

PippyLongTits · 23/11/2023 10:54

You don't have to tell anyone your budget and you don't have to stick to a prescribed list of requested items.

Christmas lists should be taken as suggestions only, not mandatory obligations. Nothing bad happens if you don't stick to the list.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/11/2023 11:08

I think you buy for the child, not the family. If there were another sibling with one child you probably wouldn't begrudge the cousin £15 so don't penalise the children for having siblings.

Obviously don't spend money you don't have, but assuming you have the £15 don't be so bloody tight.