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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To “abandon” my son to this…

179 replies

Jessica3075 · 23/11/2023 00:16

My son has crippling ocd as a comorbid to his diagnosis of Aspergers. He is an adult. We have managed to keep him out of hospital so far but today discussion was had re. hospital and possibly sectioning. I was told today there are no beds available so, he’s still at home with me tonight.

I am sick with fear.

He is so so out of control that I have no idea what to expect each day I get home. He’s given everything up (work/gym/all but essential food and water) so that he can accommodate his rituals. The drains keep getting blocked due to him using up to 12+ loo rolls in a bathroom session lasting 4 or 5 hours plus. He’s using 2+ litres of soap a day and he’s mopping the carpets. His body is raw and bleeding in places due to scrubbing. I took away his scrunchie thing for shower gel and he was uncontrollably anxious. I had to give it back to him. I know he’s very ill but I’m scared of him “disappearing” into hospital and never coming out.

I can’t do any more. I can’t help him. I want desperately to help him but I’m lost.

I just don’t want him in hospital as he’s so very vulnerable.

Friends and family say I’ve no choice but to “hand him over” when a bed becomes available but I still feel enormous guilt and pain.

OP posts:
SuperDuperCabriolet · 23/11/2023 00:19

Don't feel guilty, you're saving him, not abandonong him

whitebreadjamsandwich · 23/11/2023 00:23

What SDC said. You've a higher risk of losing him entirely if he stays at home

theduchessofspork · 23/11/2023 00:28

Oh OP I’m so sorry - this sounds so tough. He really really needs to be in hospital though - he desperately needs professional help to stabilise and then get better.

theduchessofspork · 23/11/2023 00:30

Can you talk to your Gp / psyche services about a family support group? It sounds like you could really do with that.

You won’t loose him to hospital honestly, but he needs focused treatment for a bit

hoobanoobie · 23/11/2023 00:31

He needs more help than you can give. This is extremely serious. You would be doing the very best thing for him by allowing him to be admitted to receive the help he clearly desperately needs. You would also be doing the right thing as a parent, even though it feels awful. I’m so sorry you're in this situation Flowers best of luck OP, and please keep posting so you can receive support on here.

Ruffpuff · 23/11/2023 00:32

You can’t manage or help him on your own. A single person alone cannot offer him what he needs, he needs intensive treatment before he seriously harms himself further. You need the right help and he needs the right help.

Nobody ‘disappears’ after being sectioned- believe me, I’ve tried my upmost to support my sister who has been sectioned 3 times. Do not refuse help when offered it or the services will abandon you both as they will assume you can be responsible for his care (I’m not saying that to be unkind, I’m speaking from experience).

WeightWhat · 23/11/2023 00:33

There is only so far love and good parenting can help. You need to accept that this requires expert medical help and that is no reflection on either of you.
Flowers

Tinkerbyebye · 23/11/2023 00:43

He needs more help and you recognise that. It’s scary for both of you, but hospital have the expertise that is needed to help support him, and that’s what he needs

BluebellsForest · 23/11/2023 00:43

I'm so sorry, @Jessica3075. The worry must be so hard.

I have friends who have been sectioned and both say although it was difficult, they credit it with saving their lives.

He's got you to advocate for him and keep in contact, which is a huge positive.

You can also ask for an Independent Mental Health Advocate for him.

Flowers
To “abandon” my son to this…
AtomicPumpkin · 23/11/2023 00:47

He sounds very unwell and needs to be in hospital where he can receive expert help. You cannot handle this on your own, it is too much for one person to deal with.

BluebellsForest · 23/11/2023 00:55

@Jessica3075, you might want to report your post to MN and ask for it to be moved to the mental health section. You'll get more people with experience commenting there.

Helpimfalling · 23/11/2023 00:56

Can not read and run, with a mum of a child with a similar diagnosis I am sending lots of love.

Canisaysomething · 23/11/2023 01:00

You know your son best. It sounds like medication is what he needs. If you think he would be better at home and for you to manage his medication and recovery then you should absolutely request that. But if you don’t feel you can cope then you should feel no guilt in him being in hospital.

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 23/11/2023 01:04

i have a family member with very similar issues to your son.
25 years ago he was sectioned. He then came out and was sectioned again (all in all he was under section for almost a year) he got on top of his ocd to a point where he now lives a relatively normal life- not completely normal as he still has regular reviews, is on medication and can sometimes feel it creeping in during times of stress so needs to be vigilant. But to all intents and purposes he is in paid work, he lives independently and he was able to support the family when his mum became ill and died- and didn’t relapse. He has done incredibly well. Honestly, it’s been the best thing that could have happened but came with a tremendous amount of pain and guilt at the time, particularly from her mum.

you are going the right thing. If someone had got a physical illness such as cancer- you wouldn’t feel guilty if they needed to go in to hospital- and you shouldn’t either.

sending you all the best wishes to you both.

itsdark · 23/11/2023 01:06

You are not abandoning your son to acknowledge that your son needs help and hospital is the best place for him to get it. It sounds like it's the best place for him and intervention is needed. It doesn't mean you failed because you couldn't fix it on your own. Sometimes you just can't, in spite of all the huge efforts you'll have made.

My son had major surgery last year for a medical problem. It hurt to do but it has been worth it. Would you feel guilty if your son needed his appendix out, or something repaired internally? No, you wouldn't. It's no different with your son now and needing mental help. Just because his sickness is in his brain, it doesn't make it your fault or less medical.

I hope your son finds a place soon and that you can also find support to work through your own feelings around this. I can't imagine how hard this is to watch for you. Much love to you and your son.

corblimeylove · 23/11/2023 01:12

Please don't feel guilty you are not abandoning him, you doing what is best for him. If he had a broken leg you wouldn't try to fix it yourself. Take as much help as you can.

Saskia2023 · 23/11/2023 01:23

As someone who had to be an inpatient half my life ago with an ocd type illness those last few months I knew the illness was all consuming and i was into deep a hole with it to get out my self. i ended up going in voluntarily but would have got sectioned if i had not. it was heartbreaking for my parents but we had reached a point where the illness was too overwhelming for us to manage. so although he may resist, there reaches a point when the illness is too powerful (ironically you start it to try and control life but it ends up controlling you!). i just wanted to say from my experience that it was the right thing. hospital may not be nice nor it be the cure- the hard work to keep things at bay has to continue after but its needed when the illness gets so overconsuming that you almost need that reset as its stronger than you can do alone. so i know you feel awful about doing this, sometimes hospital is needed. Just sending you all so much lov its going to be a hard time but there is hope

Gymnopedie · 23/11/2023 01:27

Friends and family say I’ve no choice but to “hand him over” when a bed becomes available

OP please don't be swayed by your relatives' and friends' appalling choice of phrase. You're not handing him over as if you're washing your hands of him or abandoning him to his fate. You're allowing him to go to hospital to get the specialist help he needs. That is an act of love. His life must be utterly miserable and yours is too. The kindest thing you can do for him is to give him every opportunity to get better.

Yes there was a time in the past when admittance to a 'mental institution' meant you didn't ever come out. But that doesn't happen today. The aim is to get the patient to the point where they can go home and live a relatively normal life. It's not incarceration.

Qwaszx · 23/11/2023 01:39

Such an overwhelming situation for you. X

I just remember the in flight info, to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.

Maybe it will help to think of your son in a safe place while you are recouping your own strength. We are none of us infallible.

I have 2 with autism, and while not to the degree of your son, it is exhausting, mentally and physically.

Accept the help, and call the guilt you feel, love. I renamed my guilt. It made it so much more bearable.

JFT · 23/11/2023 01:49

I'm so sorry, this is a heartbreaking situation.

Obviously you know your son needs emergency intervention. Logically speaking, if he doesn't go into the unit as soon as there's a bed, then nothing's changed has it? So he'll have had no help and things will continue to be incredibly painful for all of you.

You all need breathing space and the hope of recovery. You will be doing the right thing to take this chance of help. It's not 'handing him over' you'll still be there for him won't you? You'll be able to get some help and breathing space for yourself too so that both of you are in treatment effectively.

WearyAuldWumman · 23/11/2023 01:57

I got a diagnosis of OCD when I was in my 30s. It's recently been suggested that I also have Asperger's. (I shouldn't be surprised - it runs in the family.)

I had a severe episode when I was about 36. I got through it with a combination of medication (for about two years) and some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Your son also needs help. He's so severe that - IMO - a spell in hospital would be beneficial.

You're not abandoning him - you're helping him.

JANEY205 · 23/11/2023 02:04

I have contamination OCD myself OP and I so sympathize with you and your son. It sounds like his rituals are out of control and because they are anxiety and fear driven I think he will only get better with the professional help. You are doing the right thing! OCD is a mental hell on earth and he is really going through it right now and is hurting. You are helping him. Big hug!

DizzyFeet · 23/11/2023 02:06

OP I really feel for you. It's so hard.

I can share my experience of my darling brother being sectioned. I don't want to scare you at all, but I'll be honest about it.

The first couple of times, it was for a maximum of 28 days. The third time, unbeknownst to my dad, he inadvertently got coerced into an agreement where they could keep him indefinitely.

This turned out to be terrifying, because the first facility he was taken to was a 3hr drive from our home and it was horrendous. The staff didn't seem to care at all about the patients (obviously they were low paid and doing a hard job etc, but honestly, they didn't care). My brother swore he was being abused and sedated in there. He was paranoid, so we couldn't tell if this was true, but his behaviour seemed really off when we could communicate with him/see him and he was slurring his speech and had other symptoms which we thought seemed strange.. sedation was not supposed to be happening in his case. The medication he was being given didn't seem to be working for him, he wasn't getting better.

Staff often prevented us from visiting/talking to him and controlled his access to his phone. My dad sat in his car feeling absolutely desperate outside that place for hours, unable to see or speak with my brother. At one point my brother was so desperate that he escaped by jumping the fences, but was located and taken back.

We advocated like crazy and eventually got him moved to a different facility. He did improve there and was much better when he came out.

So if it's the first time, I would just say - try to check the conditions of the section and make sure you understand when he can come out again, try and get a facility near you if possible so you can visit easily, ask how much access the patient will have to their phone, how they charge it (not allowed cables for obvs reasons), are you allowed to take care packages with treats he likes or will they restrict what you can take in for him. Ask how his doctors will communicate with you and how often, who will be your point person. Try and check reviews of the place he will be going to, see if you can find out who the doctors are there, do they have good reputations, etc. (Don't necessarily believe a nice shiny website talking about how great it is!!). You may not be able to do all this in advance, but it's worth a try.

Finally, I just wanted to say that you need to remember you are not abandoning him, you love him so much and want the best outcome for him which honestly may require some time in hospital. It is not your fault he is ill. So much of this is out of your control. Whatever decision you make, you will be making it with his best interests at heart and you don't need to feel guilty about it, because you only want the best for him. Sometimes a medical facility really is the best place for somebody who is a risk to themselves. And there are some very good ones with great staff and doctors.

As a pp said, you also need a break from this if medication at home is not helping. You are worthy of peace and rest, and you cannot battle your sons demons alone. You need help from professionals. If you can also get some counselling, that might also be good?

Hope this is helpful. Sending love and wishing you and your son all the best xx

Lieblingsessen · 23/11/2023 02:07

I can’t do any more. I can’t help him. I want desperately to help him but I’m lost.

I just don’t want him in hospital as he’s so very vulnerable.

I have experienced these feelings about my son, who like yours has Aspergers and OCD. He also has psychosis.

But believe me, although I felt such guilt when he was taken away and sectioned, I also felt relief that other people realised that he needed help and could begin the process to get him better.

It has not been easy over the years. He has been released a number of times into supported living accomdation and then relapsed and been sectioned again. Mainly due to stopping the medication.

But, I have always been there for him, whenever he wants me to visit.

So, please OP let him get the help he needs. It isn't easy to get as you may have found. So if the bed becomes available for him, let him go. You are not abandoning him. You are helping to rescue him. Also, hopefully you can get support for yourself as well. Because you need to be in a good place, mentally, emotionally and physically in order to support your son.

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