To “abandon” my son to this…

[Jessica3075]

My son has crippling ocd as a comorbid to his diagnosis of Aspergers. He is an adult. We have managed to keep him out of hospital so far but today discussion was had re. hospital and possibly sectioning. I was told today there are no beds available so, he’s still at home with me tonight.

I am sick with fear.

He is so so out of control that I have no idea what to expect each day I get home. He’s given everything up (work/gym/all but essential food and water) so that he can accommodate his rituals. The drains keep getting blocked due to him using up to 12+ loo rolls in a bathroom session lasting 4 or 5 hours plus. He’s using 2+ litres of soap a day and he’s mopping the carpets. His body is raw and bleeding in places due to scrubbing. I took away his scrunchie thing for shower gel and he was uncontrollably anxious. I had to give it back to him. I know he’s very ill but I’m scared of him “disappearing” into hospital and never coming out.

I can’t do any more. I can’t help him. I want desperately to help him but I’m lost.

I just don’t want him in hospital as he’s so very vulnerable.

Friends and family say I’ve no choice but to “hand him over” when a bed becomes available but I still feel enormous guilt and pain.

OP having had a child in an mh institution, I assure you you won't be abandoning your DS.

You will be busting your ass advocating for him while he is in there. Researching medications and next steps, making sure you are kept informed. Finding the professionals who care and explain stuff, etc.

It's hard, but he can and will get better.

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum and I’m sure you’d not think twice about taking him to hospital if he broke a bone. He needs more and different help than you can currently give.

Hi I hope he soon gets a bed - you are not equipped to deal with him tight now, you have done your best but he is now an extreme situation. The hospital is the right place for him. Can I gently suggest that you get some help with dealing with this yourself as it is very traumatic for you as well as him and this will give you breathing space to handle it, you may be able to also get some training or assistance for when he comes out to help you support him then as well

Poor thing he is so unwell. There is no other option than a psychiatric hospital. If you have any private health insurance you could send him privately.

Thanks for saying this.
My young child (primary age) has OCD and anxiety and we are desperate to help. Unfortunately at the moment we were just offered Family therapy and they have only been seeing me and my H but i have no idea what they expect to happen? If i wanted therapy for myself I would do it and definitely wouldn't be joint.

We are soon going to see the therapist with the Child and hope it will be better soon

I have no idea what I should be doing and admit I exploded today when they said they are getting another cold and i said "all the hand washing and wiping and stuff is taking away your natural protections, you are the one lately getting colds and a tummy bug and conjunctivitis - be proportional"
no idea if i did right or just messed it up even more but I am feeling helpless

so @Jessica3075 do get help for your son, you are doing it out of love. if he broke a leg but didn't want to go to hospital you would still take him, why is it different for mental illnesses?

Given the circumstsnces you describe hospital is the only place for him. There really isn't any other way.

I do not want to go into details OP-it’s too painful, but I had a person very close to me sectioned. It was dramatic and emotionally painful. However when sectioned they did get in patient care which really helped and there was more support after discharge than there would have been had they not been sectioned. It is hard, but it is also a very positive if dramatic step on the way to getting the right help, which were struggling to get prior to the section.

I can’t do any more. I can’t help him

And the professionals can. He sounds very, very unwell and needs professional help to get better.

Honestly, as a mum with a daughter with a different serious mental illness, I really think an inpatient admission has saved her life. She's been in considerably longer than average (8 months), but is doing sooooo much better now. Provisional discharge date of 20 December, to return to school and A levels. We did our best at home for 2 years, but we didn't have the skills to turn this around - the hospital did.

I truly do not see it as abandoning him by getting him the professional help he needs. It sounds more than is possible to be dealt with at home. Please do not let your relatives' use of language sway you as others posters have said. I think it is time to have that help. I am so sorry and wish him a good recovery. I can only imagine your anguish.

For crying out loud, OP, he needs to be in hospital. Why on earth wouldn't you be pushing for a bed? He needs doctors and medication and mental health support, and to deny him this is at the very least dangerously misguided.

I've been in a psychiatric unit. They're not Victorian torture units.

She's not denying him anything. She's just horribly worried. A decent person would have empathy with that.

He is not having a very good time at home though and I presume he was already referred to the home treatment team and they decided he was too high risk to manage safely in the community.
If it is any comfort, I worked on MH wards as they are not as bad as you imagine. He will have a lot of support and input from various professionals (OTs, nurses, psychologists, activity coordinators, social workers) who help him into recovery. Yes, it is realistic to think that he may be there for some time. But generally speaking, we will never keep someone on the ward longer than it is needed for them to be safely treated at home (unless we are looking to place them into supported housing which would depend on the availability of suitable placement).

if this was a physical illness you wouldn't see him being admitted to hospital as 'abandoning' him you would see it as getting him the best care possible.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that by loving, supportive and logical you can somehow persuade or logic someone out of disordered thinking like OCD. Maybe for a mild case this MIGHT be possible but your son's situation is extreme. He is harming himself on a daily basis and it's escalating. He needs professional treatment.

I know mental care gets a bad rap but sometimes being sectioned saves lives. It's happened to people I know.

This. He needs professional help.

You're not abandoning him, you're helping him! You're having to make a heart wrenching decision but hospital is the best place, he'll have treatment and therapy and hopefully come out being able to handle his illness without scrubbing himself raw. It's the right thing, it doesn't mean you can't be sad and worried about him but it is the right decision.

OP my daughter was sectioned at 15. She was psychotic and a danger to herself. Her last day at home she sat running her hand under the hot tap. I phoned my husband asking what should I do? He very sensibly said turn the hot water off at the boiler. My daughter has learning disabilities. Tbh she didn’t understand she was ill and didn’t understand why she was sent to hospital.

it was hell. It took 56 hours in a&e held in a room that was not set up for child mental health. Our local hospital had an appropriate room in the adult part of a&e but she was not allowed to use that room. At one point she was due to moved to the other side of the country but there was no secure transport available and thank God she lost that bed. As the next available bed was under an hour drive away.

So prepare yourself, having a family member in an inpatient mental hospital is not a rest from them. Its very demanding emotionally. My daughter was in on section 2. Which meant she was observed for 28 days. After that she was on a section 3 which did feel like we had lost control over her. But by then there was a treatment plan and she responded quickly to medication.

Christmas day wasn’t as awful as you’d imagine. We had our dinner. Then we visited her with a couple of safe gifts. Staff had given each child a box . Apart from a pack of playing cards I don’t remember what was in it. By the end of January she was allowed home at weekends on a section 17. Sending her back in on a Sunday night was the hard.

I look back on that time as a necessary evil. She has stayed out of hospital since that time . There have been times when her mental health has declined but we know the illness better now and have found ways to keep her safe and she has recovered at home.

keep telling yourself skin is the largest organ the body has and is vital. Your son needs help.

In the nicest way possible this is about you wanting control and this feels like you are losing the last bit you have which is simply knowing where he is.

He's not ok and you don't have the ability to help him. If he stays with you, you could lose him anyway. I'd argue you already have lost him to this as he isn't well and isn't coping and it's no life at all.

You need to try something else. And it can't be with you. He needs specialist help.

Whether he will get access to that is another matter and you can still help with that, but the current situation is unsustainable for all.

You do need to let him go. It may actually help him to be away from you - not because you are to blame - but because it breaks the routines and expectations placed on him (subconsciously) and forces him into different ones. Ultimately you are enabling it at some level even though you don't want to or mean to.

He won't enjoy it or like it, but it cant continue. Something has to change. He needs others to intervene.

I am sorry for your experience, it was obviously very stressful. However, I would like to clarify that the whole premise of sectioning under the Mental Health act is that the person has no capacity to make decisions about their care. Hence, there could have never been a situation under which your brother "got coerced into an agreement". He could not have given this agreement unless he had capacity to admit himself volunterilly (which would imply he could also leave at any time on request and wasn't under section).
Each section also has an expiry date, unless he is sectioned under 37/41 which run in concurrence with imprisonable offence and is regulated by the CJS. In these cases hospitals have no power to release a patient without court approval. So, essentially it is a prison sentence under the MH act. All other sections are reviewed every 28 days and are then either rescinded or renewed for further 28 days. And even though section 3 is technically indefinite, it is still reviewed monthly as part of ward rounds. It sounds as though your brother had a strings of capacity assessments and section renewal which does happen if the person is unwell and not deemed safe to be managed in the community. There also appear to be a case of neglect in the hospital as far as quality of care. But it is absolutely not the case that patients can be coerced into indefinite stay as there is a firm legislative framework in place regulating MH act sections.

@DizzyFeet

that's a brilliant post, very kind of you to share so much.

i can't imagine being in @Jessica3075 's position. Nor that of many other posters. We had a small bit of it after my Godson had a (life changing) brain injury from a terrible car accident.

Jessica, you're not abandoning him, you've done/are doing so much for him. Check out what Dizzy & others have advised then allow them to help you both.

TRY to use that time to recharge your batteries & get as well & strong as you can.

You aren’t abandoning him and it isn’t your decision. Medical health professionals have decided he needs to be in hospital and they have decided to do this. You sound like a great mum and I wish him and you all the best

He is very ill. Don’t stop him getting the psychiatric help he needs.

No advice, but I'm so incredibly sorry for you all, your poor son. I hope you can get the support he needs.

You’re doing the best for the person you love.

When I opened your thread I thought you were going to say you were going to abandon him by making him move out and leaving him with it.

Sending him to hospital isn't abandonment. It's what he needs. He barely has any quality of life at the moment. He can't go on like this.