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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH salary. AIBU?

95 replies

Suctionplease · 22/11/2023 23:09

So I think I probably am being unreasonable but I also feel like I have a valid point which DH seems not really to take on board. I'll preface this with DH and I both work FT although he earns a lot more than me. All money is family money.

DH has been involved in a start up business with 4 others for the last six years. Until last year he was self-employed working on other contracts alongside the start up. It got to a point where the new business needed him FT and they started paying him a salary in line with the same rate as he was already on. Ultimately, this has made no material difference to us and he therefore hasn't had a pay rise in around 10 years.

The other directors in the business did not get the same salary as DH but the goal was to get to a place where the business could afford to pay them all the same rate. This means that DH will not get a pay rise until after this point. DH thinks this is only fair.

I don't think this is fair. DH has a very specialised skill, and if he were to move jobs he would get a higher rate than he's on now. They would find it very hard to replace him. Other than the CEO, the others in the business do not have specialized roles. Their salary increase puts them way above market rates for what they do. To me it would be much fairer to pay what their equivalent jobs are worth in that sector and then split profits in the form of dividends. I think I'm particularly resentful as one of the others contributes very little to the business. If he left, nothing would happen and they could probably replace him with someone better for a lot less money.

Whilst I do understand where DH is coming from it's frustrating that he can't understand why I'm frustrated. With the COL increases and our kids getting older, we have less money. My salary has increased but with that has come an increase in responsibility and demands on my time and I am really struggling.

The business has done really well this year and it won't be long until they're all on the same salary which hopefully means that in 12 months time there may (or may not) be a pay rise (I have very low expectations now).

Can you understand why I would feel frustrated by this situation:

Yes - YANBU
No - YABU

OP posts:
FelicityFlops · 22/11/2023 23:21

I would say, no, this is not right.
A good friend of mine had been freelance in IT for a number of years and then went permie with a startup (with shares as part of the package).
The company did well and then did an IPO, which meant my friend could retire.
Is your DH getting shares as part of his package?

Original poster
Suctionplease · 22/11/2023 23:34

He does have shares. At the moment they plough all profits back into the business. The plan is to get to a point where they can sell which would be very financially lucrative and potentially life-changing for us. They have already had interest from a VC but the value isn't high enough yet.

Obviously there is the risk that it all comes falling down. This is where I place my expectations and then I'm not disappointed. I'm just so tired of it never being any easier. We just seem to work harder but don't have any more money yet one lazy arse is going to double his salary in a matter of months for doing F all!

OP posts:
PhantomOps · 23/11/2023 00:28

This reply has been deleted

This is a previously banned troll so we've removed their posts.

theduchessofspork · 23/11/2023 00:36

If he has significant shares then that’s the deal - you take minimal salary and focus on growing the company and either scaling up or cashing in (or both).

To give a proper answer you’d need to say how many shares he has in comparison to the directors. If it were much smaller then I’d agree he needs a rise. They may just offer more shares though - VCs like a hungry core team.

telestrations · 23/11/2023 00:42

Is he getting shares?

If not he should be paid market rate or shares if he is sacrificing salary for the health of a start up. If he is then long term may be worth it

Ultimately don't work like you own a company unless you actually do

Appleblum · 23/11/2023 00:53

That's how start ups work - they make you work like a dog for little/no pay and give you shares and hope it all pays off in the end.

That said, if your household income is struggling, is your DH able to pick up some extra income through picking up more work?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/11/2023 01:07

Look, you say that he is earning a lot more than you do, so he is presumably fairly capable. And he has shares in the business so it isn't just about the salary. Can't you just trust his judgement with regard to what's appropriate/affordable for the business? Is there a reason why you think that you know better than he does, despite not actually being involved? Does he have previous form that would suggest that he is incapable of negotiating a fair deal for himself?

If you want/need more money for the family, what can you do to boost your own income further?

Trez1510 · 23/11/2023 01:21

We just seem to work harder but don't have any more money yet one lazy arse is going to double his salary in a matter of months for doing F all!

If this is accurate, it sounds like your husband, despite being the only one with any real talent (according to you), is complicit in allowing someone to ride him financially.

Personally, I couldn't be with a man who allowed anyone to take advantage of him in any way.

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 23/11/2023 01:31

It’s just business, if they can get away with paying him less they will. He needs to up his negotiating skills if he wants more money, sometimes the only way is to threaten to leave (and mean it), and even then that won’t always work.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/11/2023 01:32

Startups are very much high risk/high reward. If he was interested in yearly raises I would assume he would find a job that provided them.

I’m going to try very hard to say this next bit… umm… diplomatically. You have strong Yoko Ono vibes coming across from your OP. Your DH seems fine with the arrangement, by your own comments he is successful and makes more than you. It seems as though you want more family money…what are you doing to make that happen (aside from telling him he’s doing it wrong?)

YukoandHiro · 23/11/2023 01:37

theduchessofspork · 23/11/2023 00:36

If he has significant shares then that’s the deal - you take minimal salary and focus on growing the company and either scaling up or cashing in (or both).

To give a proper answer you’d need to say how many shares he has in comparison to the directors. If it were much smaller then I’d agree he needs a rise. They may just offer more shares though - VCs like a hungry core team.

This. It's about his long term financial prospects but I realise that doesn't help you in the here and now

And also, I'm wondering where they all friends before the start up? Maybe that's where this misplaced sense of what's fair is coming from?

LoveThisDog · 23/11/2023 02:22

"strong Yoko Ono vibes" 😂

I get why you are frustrated, you want more money in the family and it's not coming quick enough. But your husband knows the deal with his start up. He knows how much effort he needs to put in, he knows how much he will be paid, he knows the skills and experience of the others involved, and he knows the potential for life-changing reward further down the line. Trust his judgement.

Josette77 · 23/11/2023 02:45

That's just how it works. He is presumably quite capable and understands business.

My ex husband left the bank and went to work on a startup company. He got shares each year. The company went public and now he has a ton of money in stock he can cash in whenever.

HoppingPavlova · 23/11/2023 02:49

How does his shares sit versus the others, proportionally?

CandyLeBonBon · 23/11/2023 02:55

yet one lazy arse is going to double his salary in a matter of months for doing F all!

You lost me at that op^^

Original poster
Suctionplease · 23/11/2023 07:07

CandyLeBonBon - why? This guy does very little and yet he will be on the same salary as DH. Not a hugely articulate way of expressing my frustration but that's what it is.

Thanks for all the replies. They've been really helpful in putting it in perspective. To answer some questions, they all have the same shares except the CEO who has more. They weren't friends but they all knew one another through our local area.

DH is very level headed and I mostly trust his judgement. However, we have been here before and nothing has ever materialised although this is definitely the most sustainable so far and looks to be heading in the right direction.

My capacity to earn significantly more is limited. I work in public sector so there is not a great potential. We always say "one day it will be easier", it's just that one day is taking a very long time!

OP posts:
Frasers · 23/11/2023 07:11

It’s not your decision though is it? Or are you on the board? It is between the directors and ceo to agree, and the route they have taken is a very common one. He takes a much higher salary than them for the years it takes to get where they need to be, but they still do the work, apart from the one, and then the equal it out. That’s how most start ups work.

i don’t think it’s on you to get involved in how the company operates unless there is something you failed to mention?

MintJulia · 23/11/2023 07:19

That's the deal with setting up your own company. The early years are long hours for little cash.
Then you have the comfort of working for yourself, and then you sell the company and cash in for millions, and put your feet up.

That's the theory anyway.

The others aren't being paid for their work at all. How would you feel about that?

CantFindTheBeat · 23/11/2023 07:23

It will be a rocky ride, OP.

5 co-founders, 5 personalities, wants and needs.

I totally understand your frustration. I've got experience of similar.

ntmdino · 23/11/2023 07:23

This is startup life - relatively low salaries but high equity; you swallow the former in order for the latter to pay big-time in line with the exit strategy.

It's not like a normal show-up-and-get-paid job.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/11/2023 07:29

That’s how it works in a start up. If anything he’s doing better out of this deal as he’s being paid more than the others. With 5 personality’s it’s going to be tough so he needs to tread carefully if he wants a potentially big pay out at the end.

I have to say I think it’s a bit rich you getting annoyed he’s not earning enough when he makes a lot more than you do!

Lochness1975 · 23/11/2023 07:31

Sounds like all you are interested in is your bank balance. Maybe it’s time for you to look for a different career and get paid more.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/11/2023 07:33

My capacity to earn significantly more is limited. I work in public sector so there is not a great potential.

Well you need to change that then instead of being annoyed your DH doesn’t earn more. It’s a bit ridiculous how you’re deriding him for not earning enough when you freely admit your own earning power is limited. You expect him to demand more money and take all the risks when you’re unwilling to do the same.

TheCadoganArms · 23/11/2023 07:36

Did all those involved in the start up invest seed capital into the business? Was it the same amount of investment each? What is the shate split? Does this supposed 'lazy arse' really contribute nothing or are you projecting? The fact is most start ups initially involve the directors taking a massive hit to earnings and in some cases no earnings at all. As already articulated the big rewards come further down the line if the business gets off the ground. Your DH might have the niche skill set but can he really deploy those skills effectively if the more mundane non specialist corporate roles are not being done by someone else. You earn a lot less then your DH despite working full time. Why don't you seek to improve your income?

Frasers · 23/11/2023 07:38

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/11/2023 07:33

My capacity to earn significantly more is limited. I work in public sector so there is not a great potential.

Well you need to change that then instead of being annoyed your DH doesn’t earn more. It’s a bit ridiculous how you’re deriding him for not earning enough when you freely admit your own earning power is limited. You expect him to demand more money and take all the risks when you’re unwilling to do the same.

Exactly. The op appears to not know how start ups work, wishes to cause issues that are not required, but unwilling to take steps to resolve those issues herself

op if money is an issue, start looking for other roles, as this is how start ups often work, he is a director not employee, it is going to be like this for a while.

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