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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money for a honeymoon as a wedding gift (but there was no honeymoon)

72 replies

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:20

I recently went to a wedding where the couple said they didn't want any gifts but if you wanted to give something then they would appreciate a contribution towards their honeymoon. I have no issue with this, its easier and you haven't wasted your money on something they don't want. I wanted to give what I thought was a decent contribution so gave 100 pounds, but I also feel money is impersonal and I like using my wedding gifts and remembering people so I also gave them a 60 voucher so they could buy something for their home (a contributing factor was after the bank transfer I thought 150 was fairer as the bride has been quite generous to my DC in the past).

However ... here's my AIBU ... they aren't going on a honeymoon. In the scheme of things its not a big deal, I just think it was a bit cheeky as I probably would have just given the voucher instead. I know its technically still money, but I feel its different than just transferring money to a bank account and it basically will just go into a mass and be forgotten which was the reason for giving a voucher as well. Just curious what others think.

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 22/11/2023 21:22

Are you close to them. We didn't end up going on honeymoon as DH mum was immediately taken ill, which turned out to be terminal and we didn't want to miss her final months? Might be all sorts of reasons honeymoon is cancelled

Original poster
Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:24

I think they decided to just wait and go on a really long holiday instead in a few years. I feel I'm being U in some ways too

OP posts:
Aphroditee · 22/11/2023 21:24

YABU.

You chose to give them the amount you did. It’s their choice to do what they want with it. Move on.

Cosywintertime · 22/11/2023 21:26

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:24

I think they decided to just wait and go on a really long holiday instead in a few years. I feel I'm being U in some ways too

So you’re not really sure?,lots of folks have honey moons when it suits, like a year or two later. I’d be fairly sure before you starting hurling bricks.

Rjahdhdvd · 22/11/2023 21:27

DH and I did this; even with all the present money we didn’t have what we needed so we decided to add to it over time. It never occurred to me that anyone would mind to be honest

CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/11/2023 21:30

I've been to two weddings in the last 18 months. Neither couple have yet had a honeymoon although one couple has it booked for next year. Perhaps this is a new thing?

Original poster
Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/11/2023 21:32

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

I agree with you personally but I'm old school.

justalittlesnoel · 22/11/2023 21:33

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

We went on honeymoon the day after our wedding and no one wrote on our bedspread! I feel cheated!

Out of all of our friends who've got married, we were the only couple who went on our honeymoon immediately. The rest have gone 6 weeks - 2 years after. Money / childcare seem to be the main issues for the delays from speaking to people.

merriadock · 22/11/2023 21:34

We got married in 2021 but due to covid postponements from 2020 and not having the emotional capacity to rearrange the honeymoon as well as the wedding, we didn’t go on our honeymoon until May 2023. Circumstances change!

Original poster
Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:36

I must be old school too, I just felt a bit 'off' knowing there won't be a honeymoon it may have changed the gift. But as I said no big deal and maybe that was the original plan, people probably have less money to spend now so maybe that was a factor. Sounds like I'm mostly BU!

OP posts:
Iloveanicegarden · 22/11/2023 21:37

We 'donated' to DNs honeymoon by paying for the whole thing. Second DN showed no sign of getting married so we just gave her the same amount, Unbeknown to us she and BF had booked a holiday already so BF said 'that'll go nicely towards the icecreams'. A while later, they announced their wedding - and sent us a little poem with requests for more gifts....CFs I also made a 3 tier cake with hand crafted flowers.

TrashedSofa · 22/11/2023 21:38

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread? Yuck.

DappledThings · 22/11/2023 21:38

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

So? You contributed to a big holiday, they are going on a big holiday. Just a bit later on. It shouldn't be any skin of your nose.

Original poster
Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:38

justalittlesnoel · 22/11/2023 21:33

We went on honeymoon the day after our wedding and no one wrote on our bedspread! I feel cheated!

Out of all of our friends who've got married, we were the only couple who went on our honeymoon immediately. The rest have gone 6 weeks - 2 years after. Money / childcare seem to be the main issues for the delays from speaking to people.

Show quote history

😂Yeah, you're meant to get the heart in rose petals and Mr and Mrs with a bottle of champers on arrival. I'm clearly old school, I thought that was the rules 😂

OP posts:
ScattieHattie1 · 22/11/2023 21:39

None of your business what they do with their gift.

I'm having a honeymoon in 2 years and I got married over 10 years ago. I'll have it when I want and when it's right for my family. Ps we had a registry office wedding just the 2 of us so no guests or gifts as we wanted it, but still. Literally none of your business what they do and when.

Doggymummar · 22/11/2023 21:40

We got married in May but wanted to honeymoon on an Egyptian tour, so went in December when the weather is better

MargotBamborough · 22/11/2023 21:42

Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:30

Surely a honeymoon takes place soon after a wedding, otherwise its just a holiday? The newlyweb buzz won't be there, you don't have the whole Mr and Mrs written on the bedspread etc?

Loads of people don't go on their honeymoon immediately after their weddings for all sorts of reasons.

I'm failing to see the issue tbh.

Would you rather have bought them a toaster or a set of personalised champagne flutes?

TheGoogleMum · 22/11/2023 21:42

Yanbu of you ask for money towards a honeymoon you should go on honeymoon!
We asked for money towards ours - I framed it as being able to buy specific experiences rather than just give money so it would feel more like a present (I think mlst gift givers prefer this), as far as I know everyone was happy with this! The honeymoon was 4 months later so flights and most accommodation was already booked by the wedding. The money was more for extra touches

AnnieRegent · 22/11/2023 21:43

'Honeymoon fund' is generally just a politer way to say that they'd rather receive cash than toasters. I think that quite a lot of people don't really mean to imply that they haven't saved for their own honeymoon. I would just see it as setting them up for married life. I'm sure they're grateful for your very generous gift!

Original poster
Nofilteritwonthelp · 22/11/2023 21:44

I only think is my business (sortof) when someone has asked for my money for something specific. If someone asks for a contribution for their honeymoon which you give in good faith and want to be generous so they can go somewhere nice and then they spend it on a pair of shoes lets say, it just feels a bit 'off' to me that's all and hence the question

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/11/2023 21:44

ScattieHattie1 · 22/11/2023 21:39

None of your business what they do with their gift.

I'm having a honeymoon in 2 years and I got married over 10 years ago. I'll have it when I want and when it's right for my family. Ps we had a registry office wedding just the 2 of us so no guests or gifts as we wanted it, but still. Literally none of your business what they do and when.

That really isn't a honeymoon, 12 years later!

Rewis · 22/11/2023 21:47

AnnieRegent · 22/11/2023 21:43

'Honeymoon fund' is generally just a politer way to say that they'd rather receive cash than toasters. I think that quite a lot of people don't really mean to imply that they haven't saved for their own honeymoon. I would just see it as setting them up for married life. I'm sure they're grateful for your very generous gift!

This.

Sleepwhatsthazzz · 22/11/2023 21:48

I think yabu. They may need to save a bit more to take the holiday they want. We took a small holiday after ours and had always planned a bigger one but buying a house, kids got in the way and we are 10 years married next year. To clarify we didn't ask for money towards a honeymoon, this was just our plans.
Most people did give us cash gifts, and as I am in Ireland they do tend to be significantly more than what you give in England. With our wedding gift cash we were able to put a deposit down on our home. So although I do not have a frame or a bowl to look at when I think of the people who kindly gave me cash gifts. I look at the home, over my families head and know it was my guests who got me here. Cash gifts are not insignificant and have a lot more benefit sometimes.

ScattieHattie1 · 22/11/2023 21:48

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/11/2023 21:44

That really isn't a honeymoon, 12 years later!

Show quote history

It really is, if we never had one through horrendous terminally ill child reasons, and we waited until a time that we could lift our heads above water, then we will have the honeymoon we never had.

Can you explain why its not a honeymoon if we are going away somewhere lovely that we would never have gone, and are in a position where we can live with ourselves now for doing so? What defines a honeymoon to you? Within 48 hours of the wedding?