Money for a honeymoon as a wedding gift (but there was no honeymoon)

[Nofilteritwonthelp]

I recently went to a wedding where the couple said they didn't want any gifts but if you wanted to give something then they would appreciate a contribution towards their honeymoon. I have no issue with this, its easier and you haven't wasted your money on something they don't want. I wanted to give what I thought was a decent contribution so gave 100 pounds, but I also feel money is impersonal and I like using my wedding gifts and remembering people so I also gave them a 60 voucher so they could buy something for their home (a contributing factor was after the bank transfer I thought 150 was fairer as the bride has been quite generous to my DC in the past).

However ... here's my AIBU ... they aren't going on a honeymoon. In the scheme of things its not a big deal, I just think it was a bit cheeky as I probably would have just given the voucher instead. I know its technically still money, but I feel its different than just transferring money to a bank account and it basically will just go into a mass and be forgotten which was the reason for giving a voucher as well. Just curious what others think.

'Honeymoon fund' is generally just a politer way to say that they'd rather receive cash than toasters

Pretty much.

It's because we're at this halfway house stage, wrt the transition from physical gifts to cash being the norm for wedding presents in this country. The couple would prefer cash, for all the usual reasons. But a fair chunk of people don't like the new trend so they feel they have to dress it up a bit.

Also I think to a certain extent asking for money towards the honeymoon is just code for please give us cash gifts rather than things.

You might think asking for cash is crass, but the reality is that nearly everyone who goes to a wedding will be planning to give some sort of present and if the couple don't need or want material things then surely it's better (and easier!) to just bung them some cash rather than spend time and money getting them a physical gift they may not actually want?

When we got married we left it up to people's judgement. Only about four or five of our guests got us physical presents. If many more of them had done so we would have struggled to fit all the presents in our small apartment so it actually would have been a problem for us. Most people gave us money. And the amount we got exceeded the cost of our honeymoon.

Does it really matter if they use it to pay the bar tab from their wedding, or put it towards their new kitchen? Maybe they've been trying for a baby for years and actually plan to put any money people give them towards IVF but don't want to write that in their wedding invitations. Maybe with the cost of living they feel they can't really afford to go on honeymoon at the moment. Maybe one of them is at risk of being made redundant. Maybe she's already pregnant and only gets statutory mat pay.

If any of these things turned out to be true, would you give them less money or none at all just because it's not actually being spent on a holiday?

If not, why does it matter?

If someone asks for a contribution for their honeymoon which you give in good faith and want to be generous so they can go somewhere nice and then they spend it on a pair of shoes lets say, it just feels a bit 'off' to me that's all and hence the question
Bit you think they are planning on spending it on a holiday. You contributed to a holiday. They are spending it on a holiday. There's just a bit of a delay. Nothing like spending it on a pair of shoes instead.

Yeah I see the point, just asking for cash is a bit tacky (even though its a fair request) and a contribution to life doesn't quite sound as effective or glamorous

My DS and DIL asked for money for a honeymoon and then for one reason or another, all perfectly valid, were unable to go away for several years. When they finally booked it, by now with young DC too, they had a really lovely, well deserved and long awaited honeymoon. Who says it has to happen straight after the wedding?

Got married in August 2019 with our honeymoon planned for May 2020 (had to plan around the farming calendar!) Covid happened and we didn’t want to put off starting a family so we’ve never rebooked. Probably won’t now for another decade or so. I hope the wedding
guests who gifted us money don’t mind but plans change.

This reminds me of a wedding I went to a few years ago. Gave them £100 contribution for their honeymoon, they split up 6weeks later and never went on the honeymoon. Still waiting for my £100 refund!

I contributed to a honeymoon present but we paid the money to the travel agent (it was an unusual destination) so there was no risk the gifts would just get absorbed into the bride and groom's everyday spending. I assume the fund was covered by the IATA guarantee but I didn't check which with hindsight was not a good idea.

When I was young, the honeymoon happened straight after the wedding but that might not be feasible now in terms of booking annual leave or even being what the couple want.

What matters is that you've given them a generous present. Fingers crossed, they are really pleased.

Asking for money from your guests is embarrassing full stop but personally I always give cash and so did 95% of my wedding guests (we didn't ask for it though!).

Did you get a receipt?

@Gruesome2some oh thats annoying, although it probably went towards legal fees!

Time off work and wanting to go somewhere special can be factors. I think that we should embrace cash gifts. It isn't tacky, it prevents waste.

The first holiday you go on after you get married is your honeymoon. Yiuve said they are going on a long holiday in a couple of years, is that not within the timeframe that you want your money spent? You say you wouldnt have given bothbhad they not mentioned the holiday, but you are saying that with hindsight.

My eldest DC got married a few weeks ago and they asked for similar. They haven't taken a honeymoon yet as the money (and some of their savings) are going towards a 2 month trip next summer. They have designed their careers around being able to take 2 months off. I think that's quite normal.

Sorry, I now also remember why it annoyed me a bit. It was a cash bar, so if I had known I possibly would've given less money. Maybe not, but maybe.

I think it depends where they're going. If they needed the wedding money, they couldn't have gone immediately anyway unless they booked whatever last minute thing was available.

We went on a cruise, married in April so we had two nights in the hotel, home for 1 night I think then a week in Wales. Cruise was late May as that's when the one we wanted was. Actually used the wedding money on short trips - weekend in Ironbridge, week in Italy etc. that we wouldn't have otherwise afforded. It's likely that money you and others gave is ring fenced and safe

I think money as wedding gifts is more and more common as more couples move out of their parents' homes and often live together prior to marriage these days. My husband and I both had our own places when we met & moved in together before we got married, so we had all of the usual household wedding gifts already. We didn't need a new toaster!

We asked for money for our honeymoon too & went about 3 months after we got married, as the weather was better by that time of year. The place we stayed actually offered additional perks to couples who were honeymooning within 6 months of their wedding, so they obviously thought 6 months was reasonable! Flowers on the bed, couples massages etc, very typical honeymoon! It was a very expensive trip for us and the money we received paid for all our extras, rather than hotel & flights. If we hadn't had the money to go where we wanted after the wedding then we may well have waited longer too.

Weddings are often very expensive, so wouldn't surprise me if the couple in this case had rinsed all of their savings paying for the wedding and want to save up more so they can go on their dream honeymoon, not go on what could be any other holiday. Doesn't mean your gift won't be used for said delayed honeymoon.

The cash bar supports my theory re money btw & I don't think people should expect free drinks all night.

What? You can’t be serious? Why would you not expect to buy your own drinks, and lots of people, lots, go a honey moon later.

you seem to have very fixed etiquette rules in your head. If you didn’t want to give money you shouldn’t have, not do so and resent it.

you seem to have very fixed etiquette rules in your head. If you didn’t want to give money you shouldn’t have, not do so and resent it

Indeed!

You really would have given them less cash if you had know you had to pay for your own drinks? 😂

Next wedding you go to, only give cash one the couple have sent you their honeymoon confirmation email, with an email from the hotel included, which states they will put Mr and Mrs in rose petals on their bed (as this = honeymoon).

Also ask them to confirm in advance, whether or not this will be a free bar event.

Once you have all this information, you can then give them your perceived correct amount of money. Don't forget to factor in how generous the couple have been to your children in the past, or not.

Use this equation:
Honeymoon date ÷ free bar X bedspread rose petals + generosity to children = £amount.

Cash bar is completely normal and most people aren't this weirdly petty about linking their gift to the provision of drinks or demanding it is spent in a certain way.

Loads of the 'rules' are just hangovers from previous ways of living that have become traditions but are a bit pointless.
Like seating arrangements at top table when divorce was much less common , honeymoons when sex probably hadn't happened, wedding lists when people didn't live together etc etc .
Just needs updating and to stop being so rigid about it all.

I'm Irish and cash as a gift is totally the normal done thing here but I know from MN it does seem to be a bit less common in England and some people find it tacky so I think the couple just wanted cash for gifts and thought it would sound better saying it was for a honeymoon. I can see both sides here on this one.

“Money towards a honeymoon” is just another way of saying “we want cash”. You can’t dictate how or when it’s spent. In my opinion asking for money is crass but I always give money because no one wants 47 toasters.

Friend had honeymoon fund but ended up not going since she found out she was pregnant. They used the fund couple of years later.
I had no issue with it. Plans change so even if she ended up buying new bed with it instead, it would be no issue.

Voucher and money are the same thing 🤷 except that voucher is restrictive.

Nothing tacky about asking for money instead of gifts. There are only so many silver frames one can own! (and these are tacky if anything)