Am I an awful mum?

[awfulbanana]

I am a 'single' parent to a ten year old girl. I write 'single' because I have a lot of support from her dad and she goes to his house to stay every second weekend from Friday until Monday.

I am in the middle of a masters and working two jobs and a full time placement. So I am on placement Monday to Friday 9-5. Work two late nights at one job and one weekend day at other job. I am beyond stressed. More so than I have ever been in my life. I am running on pure adrenaline and really feel that my parenting is failing recently.

I love my daughter, of course I do. But for the past couple of weeks I just find everything she does so irritating. I just want to be alone when I have a spare minute and I feel that this comes out in disinterest towards my daughter. I have went through phases of feeling disconnected from my daughter (I had pnd for a long time after she was born) but I've always been able to hide it from her. However, I'm not managing recently.

When I am spending time with her, my mind is constantly elsewhere, I feel like I have a thousand tabs open in my head. Even when I say to myself, 'okay, look interested, focus on what she is showing/telling you' I just can't focus and am wishing my time away so I can just be alone. She's definitely picking up on it.

At the weekend she had a late breakfast and so I had my lunch as normal and as soon as I sat down to eat it she came and was prancing around in front of me and staring at me. I feel like she's always demanding attention and no wonder, she's obviously picking up this vibe from me.

I have spoken to her and apologised if I've been grumpy and explained I have a lot on and it's nothing to do with her but it's going on for a while now.

Even when I ask her questions about school, it's not from genuine interest, it's out of obligation because I know as a parent I should care. I just zone out so much. Whenever she shouts 'mum' or does something funny I just feel myself cringing inside and rolling my eyes if she can't see. I feel on the verge of exploding at all times to be honest.

I have went through irritable stages, but none quite so bad. I have also went through stages where I am so close with her and focused and contented. I just can't seem to get this back. No matter what I do. Parenting feels like a chore I don't need just now and I feel AWFUL saying that.

Has anyone else felt the same? Or am I just bloody awful? The masters I'm doing is social work and as much as I'm enjoying it, I have found dealing with other peoples problems has made me not deal with my own at the end of the day. Self care etc is out the window.

Sounds like you're stretched way too thin, and something has to give.

It's really not fair that you're taking your feelings out on your dd - it's not her fault. But you do know this 💐

You have child-free time every other weekend - do you recharge then?

If you're finding that self-care is going out the window, then is social work really for you? Do you have a manager or mentor who can advise you in this area?

Can you give up either of your PT jobs? How much longer will the placement last? What will happen after that?

You’re not awful cause you’ve written this post.

The feelings you have can happen to any of us at any stage of childhood however you do just need to be mindful that at aged 10 she will be VERY aware of your behaviour.

Is it possible for you to have a change of scenery and some time alone on a mini break if you can afford it? Sounds like you need to recharge and reset. I know this doesn’t always fix things though if it’s more deep rooted but might help.

Is there anything you can start doing together like a hobby or interest to re-establish your bond? Make a new habit or routine?

And of course you're not awful. You have a lot on your plate.
Could your ex see your dd more? Even in the short term?

Something needs to give so you need to look at what you can drop as dd shouldn’t be last on the list. How old is dd? I’m currently doing a masters but only because my dc are all secondary and more independent. How much time have you got left? Mine is just under a year and I’m honestly wishing it away. No idea why I thought it would be a good idea! (I’ll be glad once it’s done.)

You’re not awful.

My DD is 10. I’m REALLY struggling with this age

You are the best person on this entire site simply because you don’t use god awful abbreviations like DD. Bless you.

You have taken on too much and your daughter is sadly suffering the brunt of it. She's spending what little time she has with you, feeling like you're not interested.

You need to see where you can cut back, for her sake and also your own.

Sorry, you said the age. I’m clearly tired 😴

I get like this from time to time. I have ADHD so it’s due to overstimulation, so similar to you with feeling overwhelmed/overworked etc.

i found saying to my ds “I’m feeling overwhelmed so I’m going to sit quietly for 5 minutes” helps. Sometimes just 5 minutes of being uninterrupted helps. I also have noise cancelling headphones and if all else fails, out comes the digital daycare (iPad/tv) with some snacks to keep him busy.

I do get snappy on occasion and always apologise and get major mum guilt but honestly it’s just overwhelming and hard isn’t it.

your aware of how your feeling which is really positive- just be open with your DD and try and fit in some self care as it’s really needed.

Compassion fatigue look it up. You need to be aware of it in your career so useful to read about it now. 10 is a difficult age, I highly recommend doing Yoga together (partly because she’ll be silent!) but mostly as you can learn a new skill. Also eat together and name one good thing in your day, one bad thing and one thing you will improve on. The person who is speaking get 3 minutes and holds a wooden spoon. I find this useful as it stops the monologues! And also helps with anxiety.

How old are you? Could perimenopause be exacerbating mood swings?

I hope not, I'm 31

All of this

You're definitely not awful.
You're a person in your own right, you're allowed to not be her 'emotional support human' all of the time.
Since she's an only child it may be that it's in contrast to the situation to date which will have been way more focused on her than would have been the case in a family with two or more kids.

Your not awful, just over burdened and her Dad isn't doing as much as you need him to. He's your ex so isn't obliged to facilitate your life choices, but this wouldn't be as hard if he actually saw his child a reasonable amount.

Is he paying what you're entitled to? If you quit a job could you get help off benefits? It isn't fair on your child for neither parent to be present for her

You’re doing too much. Can you do 50/50 with her dad? I can see why you are doing all this and maybe sharing parenting more might give you more space while you complete your masters?

You need to carve more time. why are you doing so much? Why is dad doing so little? It's unsustainable.

You are spending more time at work and doing a degree than you're spending time with your daughter. She's already got one part-time parent. Could you do the degree or work all those hours when she's older? You'll never get her childhood back, and before you know it, she'll be a teenager with issues.

Oh come on, really, you have every other weekend CHILDFREE and I say that as someone who was single 3 years with a 2 year old whilst the father lived abroad for work. I did not have weekends free. I survived.

I qualify at the end of February. I need my jobs for money and experience for CV. I feel like proper shit about it but funnily enough since writing this post, we have lay in bed where she's asked for a 'scratchy massage' where I scratch her back and I've watched her play Roblox and asked questions about that. She's now heading to gymnastics.

When I started my undergrad 7 years ago I had so much extra time (worked full time previous to this) and it was great. But this has all seemed to creep up on me recently where I just feel like I don't have a spare minute. And when I do, it's spent tidying, walking the dogs, washing etc. I know something has to give but there is literally nothing I can give up just now. Her dad owns his own business and can't take her extra just now. Also I want her here, I do!!! Although it doesn't sound like it. I just need to deal with my emotions better. I feel like I'm masking all day at placement and work and excelling in these that the moment I get home I need to take my mask off. Hard to explain.

When I qualify end of February I plan to work full time Monday to Friday (will condense my hours to 4 days per week after 6 months in post) and I will continue one late night a week. I will drop weekend shifts except leading up to Christmas.

It's too much OP. How did you get into this crazy situation where you are doing so much? Why are you doing an MA right now if not sponsored by your job so you don't have to work on top? Why are you doing it full time rather than part time?

Unless the MA has only a very short time left or the placement is only short and your work load will be much reduced then I think you need to reduce things one way or another. It doesn't sound like you actually get that much time with your daughter - one day every other weekend and a few evenings - so it's really important that you have the head space for her when you do have time with her.

And in reply to pp of course you're her emotional support person when she's with you! Who else is going to be? You're her world and you need to make sure she knows she's you're priority too, otherwise as an adult there's a good chance that she won't feel like she deserves to be anyone's priority.

You know this isn't right OP so you need to do something about it.

How does that have any bearing on how I feel? I have also been a single parent since my daughter was one year old and managed just fine up until this point where I am juggling loads. Yes I have every second weekend CHILD FREE but I work then and have one day off where the rest of the shit has to get sorted.

Gosh what a lot you have on your plate 💪. I hope there's some end in sight to it being so full on. Worst case scenario would be your daughter starting to act out in unhealthy ways to get your attention.

You're not awful.

A couple of ideas you'll probably hate. Talk to your GP about whether you may have some symptoms that might be helped by meds. Sertraline is prescribed for anxiety and really helped me find joy again. Depression can also look like never experiencing happiness rather than necessarily being in tears. You may say it can't be that, it's normal to have a stress reaction to a stressful situation. It is, but low dose meds can still be really helpful.

Also - sorry - mindfulness might help. If you can't face the "official" version stick a rainforest/white noise/whale music playlist on a timer for a few mins, close your eyes and try to concentrate on it. 20 mins to decompress when you first come home also. We're an autistic family and it's normal for us - people say hi, see you in 20 mins and then go and zone out. Explain to daughter that you really want to talk to her but you need some time for your brain to "fizzle out" a bit so you can do it better.

What would you say to a family in this situation at work/placement?

You are juggling and you’ve dropped the most precious thing.