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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I an awful mum?

68 replies

awfulbanana · 22/11/2023 17:33

I am a 'single' parent to a ten year old girl. I write 'single' because I have a lot of support from her dad and she goes to his house to stay every second weekend from Friday until Monday.

I am in the middle of a masters and working two jobs and a full time placement. So I am on placement Monday to Friday 9-5. Work two late nights at one job and one weekend day at other job. I am beyond stressed. More so than I have ever been in my life. I am running on pure adrenaline and really feel that my parenting is failing recently.

I love my daughter, of course I do. But for the past couple of weeks I just find everything she does so irritating. I just want to be alone when I have a spare minute and I feel that this comes out in disinterest towards my daughter. I have went through phases of feeling disconnected from my daughter (I had pnd for a long time after she was born) but I've always been able to hide it from her. However, I'm not managing recently.

When I am spending time with her, my mind is constantly elsewhere, I feel like I have a thousand tabs open in my head. Even when I say to myself, 'okay, look interested, focus on what she is showing/telling you' I just can't focus and am wishing my time away so I can just be alone. She's definitely picking up on it.

At the weekend she had a late breakfast and so I had my lunch as normal and as soon as I sat down to eat it she came and was prancing around in front of me and staring at me. I feel like she's always demanding attention and no wonder, she's obviously picking up this vibe from me.

I have spoken to her and apologised if I've been grumpy and explained I have a lot on and it's nothing to do with her but it's going on for a while now.

Even when I ask her questions about school, it's not from genuine interest, it's out of obligation because I know as a parent I should care. I just zone out so much. Whenever she shouts 'mum' or does something funny I just feel myself cringing inside and rolling my eyes if she can't see. I feel on the verge of exploding at all times to be honest.

I have went through irritable stages, but none quite so bad. I have also went through stages where I am so close with her and focused and contented. I just can't seem to get this back. No matter what I do. Parenting feels like a chore I don't need just now and I feel AWFUL saying that.

Has anyone else felt the same? Or am I just bloody awful? The masters I'm doing is social work and as much as I'm enjoying it, I have found dealing with other peoples problems has made me not deal with my own at the end of the day. Self care etc is out the window.

OP posts:
awfulbanana · 23/11/2023 20:46

@Whattodonexts there is children out there starving, being physically, emotionally and sexually abused as we speak. Living in utter filth with drug addicted parents. You do know that don't you?

OP posts:
awfulbanana · 23/11/2023 20:48

@Whattodonexts in fact even the fact that I know there is a problem and am reaching out here is a protective factor.

OP posts:
Whattodonexts · 23/11/2023 20:49

awfulbanana · 23/11/2023 20:46

@Whattodonexts there is children out there starving, being physically, emotionally and sexually abused as we speak. Living in utter filth with drug addicted parents. You do know that don't you?

Yep. Not sure what that has to do with your situation. Regardless as I've said, see your GP and carve out more time for your daughter or get her dad to have her more. Thats really your main options, I'd focus on that.

awfulbanana · 23/11/2023 20:55

@Whattodonexts will do Confused

OP posts:
Teatrayderby · 23/11/2023 20:59

Worrying about this is using up one of those precious tabs. I would therefore carve out time to really love-bomb, go out together, leave your phone/work at home. While it seems like that's using up time to do your master's work etc it will actually free up headspace so you do more work effectively.

Titicacacandle · 23/11/2023 21:04

Oh god what a load of crap about safeguarding stuff kicking in because of a dm rolling her eyes.. LOL!

OP social work will completely drain you and not leave a lot left of you for dd at the best of times let alone whilst you're doing all of that. My dc have definitely lost out on me being a social worker. It's emotionally demanding and the third most stressful job - more stressful than A&E working and teaching. More stressful then you running your own business. No one else will get it unless they've also worked it. My advice, do what you can to hang in till feb and then get into a nice social work role - no child protection. You need to give up the evening and weekend jobs really. The money is not worth the burnout you're giving to yourself.

silvertoil · 23/11/2023 23:00

No judgement here - you want to put things right and that's the most important thing. This can be a temporary problem.
One thing I would say is that kids do notice stuff (even if we think we hide it well), and tend to blame themselves which can have negative effects longer term.
I would try and talk to her and acknowledge something hasn't been quite right - you've been stressed or not as attentive as you'd like, and it's not her fault (work, tiredness etc), but that you'd like to put it right. Really emphasise it's you, not her.
See what she says and take it from there. Ask her if there's something you'd like to do together - not a big treat as those rarely help for long - but play a game, cook together, watch a movie, for some togetherness where you demonstrate you enjoy her company.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/11/2023 00:04

Whattodonexts · 23/11/2023 11:41

Honestly reading this I feel so bad for your daughter. You roll your eyes at her? You feel like you're going to explode? You're in social work - if a mum said this to you do you think some safeguarding might kick in?

I think at a minimum you need to speak to your GP because this could be depression (based on it sounds like PND symptoms to me but she's 10 so it might just be regular depression)

You also need to speak to her Dad and whether he owns his own company or not he needs to step-up a bit here.

@Whattodo112222

no safeguarding would kick in Hun

sheselectric24 · 24/11/2023 01:03

Social worker of many long years here. 90 percent of those years spent in child protection. Studied as a single parent with no help from family or her dad. So I feel able to say this is completely normal op. Not right or ideal but normal non the less. I have worked with many many social workers who are parents and I don't know one who would not admit to struggling in a similar way. The job is utterly draining physically and emotionally and when you get home no matter who you go home to your brain and body is done.

Now so real advice if you want it-

Avoid CP work once qualified if at all possible. If you are adamant this is the area you want to work in then you need to set out your boundaries from the get go and you need to be strong in always prioritising yourself and your child. You need to find the confidence to say no and to make the job work for you. You can and you must be ready to walk away if the day is getting too much and to be comfortable in telling your manager that you are picking your dd up and you will work flexibly. This job can be done in various ways and at odd times so don't let them talk you into working office hours. I work around my dc. I work through the night if I want to. I do all my visits on one or two days then I work from home and do the hours round my dc school and activities and time with them.

Once you are confident and have gained some experience go agency. Don't worry about completing your asye if that time comes before you have finished it. It's not mandatory and you won't struggle to get a job without it. The agency pay and flexibility is worth it.

For the here and now: speak to your manager and tutor and see if their is scope for more flexibility or condensing your hours or time left. It's there job to support you and make it possible for you to succeed. There is a national shortage of people training so they will want to hold onto you.

As bad as it sounds you do have the upper hand now and upon qualification because of the staff shortage so you can ask for what you need and want with confidence.

Check you are getting everything you can financially and get help with this from uni and from a knowledgeable person at your placement. There is help out there but you have to seek it out. This may mean you can give up one of your jobs at least. If you speak to your manager and tutor about what you are going through due to financial hardship I'd be surprised if they didn't have some suggestions and solutions. It will not be the first time they have come across this.

Accept you don't have to have all the answers to problems on your cases or in life. You will never know what you have to do 100 precent of the time. I ask daily what I'm supposed to do with this or that as there is so much to learn. Even years in I have to ring people about how to fill out some paperwork I can't remember ever doing. This will help you as you can let go and don't spend time thinking about or studying this at home. You only need to pass the course even if it's bare minimum marks. You don't really start learning till you're actually properly doing the job anyway. No one cares if you got a pass or a first in the real world and you will get a job regardless. Give yourself a break.

Get some St John's wart extra strong from boots and take daily.
Take a multi vitamin daily and force yourself to eat the fruit you take to work before you go to mcds with everyone. Even if you still go to mcds you will be fuller so get less, saving money and feeling better as a consequence. Seems bizarre advice but we know all social workers eat terribly.

Find stuff to do with dd that you enjoy. I don't enjoy watching the endless made up dances or pretending to be Ken and Barbie but I do enjoy singing to my favourite songs and asking my dc to judge whether I'd get the X factor golden buzzer and I do enjoy doing face paints in the dc or puzzle books. Just examples because ding these things you enjoy will benefit your dd and you can be genuinely present rather than half arsed. As you know the less you fill her cup the more likely she will demand your attention and do so in annoying ways. It's quality not quantity. You can give your dd time in your terms and chances are she will love it. You can do her choice of thing too occasionally but your not damned to only spending time with her that involves what she likes and most adults find mind numbing. Some people think they have to play Barbie's or do dc led activities in order to fill dc cup but you can do this while doing something you like and involving her.

Some nights bring a treat home for dd. Not something expensive, we are not buying out dc here, I grab a small piece of cake while I'm getting my Costa for example and take it home so dc know I have been thinking about them. We then eat this together and watch something funny. Keep it simple and chill coz you're burnt out.

Stay off your phone till her bedtime if possible some nights. The reason I say this is because from experience we go down a rabbit hole and struggle to get off it. Plus it makes you more tired. Our brains crave that doom scrolling time after work but it's lethal and prevents you from getting stuff done or interacting with dc.

Put music on while you cook dinner and have dd sit and chat and sing along with you while you cook. Get her to help you. Laugh at each other's mistakes or funny shaped veg. Basically fake it till you make it. It wil feel unnatural and another chore at first but it gets easier over time.

Find out if any of DDs friends attend clubs on the days you can take her. Drop her off. Go for a coffee or chat to another mum while you wait to pick her up. Ask her after how it went, what she learnt, what her friends did and said and so on. This not only gives you a small break when she's busy enjoying herself but also gives you something to talk about that makes her feel like you're interested. No kid cares about their parents asking about school really, so you're both just going through the motions, but they do care if it's an interesting activity or involves their friends.

Accept it's hard right now but with a little extra effort with your dd you will feel less guilty. The guilt is adding to your feelings of burnout. Guilt is a draining emotion. It doesn't have to be all or nothing as I suggested above make the time with dd easy for you both and not always one sided. The more you give this quality time the less time she will spend dancing in front of you to get snippets of attention.

Oh and in the day you are not working and dd is at her dads. Don't do the other stuff whatever that is. Just go to bed or something fr yourself and rest rest rest. The house can be a bit of a shit hole for a bit just do the basics and it's fine.

MrsCocoaJones1 · 24/11/2023 01:07

Is the masters really necessary? I dunno about social work but in my degree it was a fancy add on that wasn’t really needed, just nice to have. Or is it like a post grad degree that you need to be a social worker?

awfulbanana · 24/11/2023 07:20

sheselectric24 · 24/11/2023 01:03

Social worker of many long years here. 90 percent of those years spent in child protection. Studied as a single parent with no help from family or her dad. So I feel able to say this is completely normal op. Not right or ideal but normal non the less. I have worked with many many social workers who are parents and I don't know one who would not admit to struggling in a similar way. The job is utterly draining physically and emotionally and when you get home no matter who you go home to your brain and body is done.

Now so real advice if you want it-

Avoid CP work once qualified if at all possible. If you are adamant this is the area you want to work in then you need to set out your boundaries from the get go and you need to be strong in always prioritising yourself and your child. You need to find the confidence to say no and to make the job work for you. You can and you must be ready to walk away if the day is getting too much and to be comfortable in telling your manager that you are picking your dd up and you will work flexibly. This job can be done in various ways and at odd times so don't let them talk you into working office hours. I work around my dc. I work through the night if I want to. I do all my visits on one or two days then I work from home and do the hours round my dc school and activities and time with them.

Once you are confident and have gained some experience go agency. Don't worry about completing your asye if that time comes before you have finished it. It's not mandatory and you won't struggle to get a job without it. The agency pay and flexibility is worth it.

For the here and now: speak to your manager and tutor and see if their is scope for more flexibility or condensing your hours or time left. It's there job to support you and make it possible for you to succeed. There is a national shortage of people training so they will want to hold onto you.

As bad as it sounds you do have the upper hand now and upon qualification because of the staff shortage so you can ask for what you need and want with confidence.

Check you are getting everything you can financially and get help with this from uni and from a knowledgeable person at your placement. There is help out there but you have to seek it out. This may mean you can give up one of your jobs at least. If you speak to your manager and tutor about what you are going through due to financial hardship I'd be surprised if they didn't have some suggestions and solutions. It will not be the first time they have come across this.

Accept you don't have to have all the answers to problems on your cases or in life. You will never know what you have to do 100 precent of the time. I ask daily what I'm supposed to do with this or that as there is so much to learn. Even years in I have to ring people about how to fill out some paperwork I can't remember ever doing. This will help you as you can let go and don't spend time thinking about or studying this at home. You only need to pass the course even if it's bare minimum marks. You don't really start learning till you're actually properly doing the job anyway. No one cares if you got a pass or a first in the real world and you will get a job regardless. Give yourself a break.

Get some St John's wart extra strong from boots and take daily.
Take a multi vitamin daily and force yourself to eat the fruit you take to work before you go to mcds with everyone. Even if you still go to mcds you will be fuller so get less, saving money and feeling better as a consequence. Seems bizarre advice but we know all social workers eat terribly.

Find stuff to do with dd that you enjoy. I don't enjoy watching the endless made up dances or pretending to be Ken and Barbie but I do enjoy singing to my favourite songs and asking my dc to judge whether I'd get the X factor golden buzzer and I do enjoy doing face paints in the dc or puzzle books. Just examples because ding these things you enjoy will benefit your dd and you can be genuinely present rather than half arsed. As you know the less you fill her cup the more likely she will demand your attention and do so in annoying ways. It's quality not quantity. You can give your dd time in your terms and chances are she will love it. You can do her choice of thing too occasionally but your not damned to only spending time with her that involves what she likes and most adults find mind numbing. Some people think they have to play Barbie's or do dc led activities in order to fill dc cup but you can do this while doing something you like and involving her.

Some nights bring a treat home for dd. Not something expensive, we are not buying out dc here, I grab a small piece of cake while I'm getting my Costa for example and take it home so dc know I have been thinking about them. We then eat this together and watch something funny. Keep it simple and chill coz you're burnt out.

Stay off your phone till her bedtime if possible some nights. The reason I say this is because from experience we go down a rabbit hole and struggle to get off it. Plus it makes you more tired. Our brains crave that doom scrolling time after work but it's lethal and prevents you from getting stuff done or interacting with dc.

Put music on while you cook dinner and have dd sit and chat and sing along with you while you cook. Get her to help you. Laugh at each other's mistakes or funny shaped veg. Basically fake it till you make it. It wil feel unnatural and another chore at first but it gets easier over time.

Find out if any of DDs friends attend clubs on the days you can take her. Drop her off. Go for a coffee or chat to another mum while you wait to pick her up. Ask her after how it went, what she learnt, what her friends did and said and so on. This not only gives you a small break when she's busy enjoying herself but also gives you something to talk about that makes her feel like you're interested. No kid cares about their parents asking about school really, so you're both just going through the motions, but they do care if it's an interesting activity or involves their friends.

Accept it's hard right now but with a little extra effort with your dd you will feel less guilty. The guilt is adding to your feelings of burnout. Guilt is a draining emotion. It doesn't have to be all or nothing as I suggested above make the time with dd easy for you both and not always one sided. The more you give this quality time the less time she will spend dancing in front of you to get snippets of attention.

Oh and in the day you are not working and dd is at her dads. Don't do the other stuff whatever that is. Just go to bed or something fr yourself and rest rest rest. The house can be a bit of a shit hole for a bit just do the basics and it's fine.

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Fantastic advice which I will continue to re read and take on board. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
awfulbanana · 24/11/2023 07:21

MrsCocoaJones1 · 24/11/2023 01:07

Is the masters really necessary? I dunno about social work but in my degree it was a fancy add on that wasn’t really needed, just nice to have. Or is it like a post grad degree that you need to be a social worker?

My degrees in politics and policy, I need the post grad to practice social work.

OP posts:
Soccermumamir · 24/11/2023 07:26

No you're not. I've found that if I start snapping my kids or partner, then I need to get rid of something. I was studying for my degree, working full time and volunteering every week on top. I felt stressed as my main job is very stressful. I was snapping, moody and kept getting ill with cold after cold. I don't want to feel like that anymore, so illuminated things. Hope you feel better soon.

fourelementary · 24/11/2023 07:39

Can’t add much to what @sheselectric24 has already said in terms of fab advice. I did my masters in nursing fairly recently with 4 kids and a wonderfully supportive husband who stepped up daily and it was STILL shit hard and I know they got so little of me… so 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to you

With Xmas coming up planning wee treats with dd should be easier for this month. Definitely check out financial support available even if a small top-up or a bursary of sorts as dropping one PT job at this point surely won’t matter in terms of experience- you will have no issues gaining employment as it is!

Fo a countdown plan week by week for Feb and factor in some time for you and dd. Maybe learn to play chess together or ask her to do a list of fun things you can work through together.

Speak to your mentor about masking at work- there are safer and more effective long-term strategies for not taking on board all the stresses of the job which still allow you to be an authentic person. It sounds like perhaps you are trying to compartmentalise a little too much at work rather than learn ways to sort of Teflon coat yourself. This is a learned skill though and you need some support to learn it.

All the very best to you 🌺

Thatswhy11 · 24/11/2023 07:44

I feel like this OP at times. I have less support from DS dad and we are unable to communicate about anything. I think you were wrong to take on Masters with a child given your feelings. Once you have completed your studies I would question wheather a high paying job is worth the stress? And not being able to focus on your DD.

Chestnut5 · 24/11/2023 09:43

Have you determined what your top life priorities/ values are ? If you're clear about that then it's easier to be intentional with your life and time. For me I narrowed it down to Family, Freedom, Home and Nature. I try and keep these in mind when asked to do things or options come my way. I ask myself "does this align with my values?" For example some tasks are tedious like tidying up and putting laundry away but my values include home- and part of this is having a nice home environment to live in and family- my kids should have clean clothes to wear and the house should be in order. If I'm spending too much time on my phone (like now probably!) I'm neglecting this key value or mine and I need to redirect. Also creating a happy family is my responsibility, I had these children and it's my duty to give them a good life. Its more important than other things. Therefore part of that is me being patient enough to deal with the kids problems/issues and listening to their stories or doing activities with them which I may find a bit boring for my longer term goal of having a solid relationship with them. You do need energy for this though so I would look at ways you can make other aspects of your life simpler so you have enough energy for your DD.

Titicacacandle · 24/11/2023 21:30

OP I've come back to this as I was thinking about you today and my own situation quite a few years ago where I also did a SW degree, placement and worked as a SP. You are allowed to chase your dream job and work hard to get it. Men are not looked down on and judged for putting in long hours, they are looked at as a provider and looking after their family by working hard. You are working hard and providing a life for your daughter. Yes SW start at 34k average but senior SW are usually 45k ish. There is a clear progression to earn more money to provide a better life for you and your daughter, you will be fairly protected if you stay in a local authority SW role, you will not be hounded out of your job for taking a day off if you are poorly or your child is. If you enjoy the job then yes it will be emotionally demanding and draining but you will have job security and in this climate that says a lot. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for working hard and providing a good standard of living for your daughter. Your daughter will see you working hard and looking after her and see that as the norm. That's not a bad thing.

I hope you manage to last out till Feb. After I completed my degree I was utterly exhausted for months after but it was worth it. Although it's very stressful it is a rewarding job and you deserve to have a job that fulfills you as well as being a mum.

idontgive · 24/11/2023 21:53

Titicacacandle · 24/11/2023 21:30

OP I've come back to this as I was thinking about you today and my own situation quite a few years ago where I also did a SW degree, placement and worked as a SP. You are allowed to chase your dream job and work hard to get it. Men are not looked down on and judged for putting in long hours, they are looked at as a provider and looking after their family by working hard. You are working hard and providing a life for your daughter. Yes SW start at 34k average but senior SW are usually 45k ish. There is a clear progression to earn more money to provide a better life for you and your daughter, you will be fairly protected if you stay in a local authority SW role, you will not be hounded out of your job for taking a day off if you are poorly or your child is. If you enjoy the job then yes it will be emotionally demanding and draining but you will have job security and in this climate that says a lot. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for working hard and providing a good standard of living for your daughter. Your daughter will see you working hard and looking after her and see that as the norm. That's not a bad thing.

I hope you manage to last out till Feb. After I completed my degree I was utterly exhausted for months after but it was worth it. Although it's very stressful it is a rewarding job and you deserve to have a job that fulfills you as well as being a mum.

This is a lovely post

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