Am I an awful mum?

[awfulbanana]

I am a 'single' parent to a ten year old girl. I write 'single' because I have a lot of support from her dad and she goes to his house to stay every second weekend from Friday until Monday.

I am in the middle of a masters and working two jobs and a full time placement. So I am on placement Monday to Friday 9-5. Work two late nights at one job and one weekend day at other job. I am beyond stressed. More so than I have ever been in my life. I am running on pure adrenaline and really feel that my parenting is failing recently.

I love my daughter, of course I do. But for the past couple of weeks I just find everything she does so irritating. I just want to be alone when I have a spare minute and I feel that this comes out in disinterest towards my daughter. I have went through phases of feeling disconnected from my daughter (I had pnd for a long time after she was born) but I've always been able to hide it from her. However, I'm not managing recently.

When I am spending time with her, my mind is constantly elsewhere, I feel like I have a thousand tabs open in my head. Even when I say to myself, 'okay, look interested, focus on what she is showing/telling you' I just can't focus and am wishing my time away so I can just be alone. She's definitely picking up on it.

At the weekend she had a late breakfast and so I had my lunch as normal and as soon as I sat down to eat it she came and was prancing around in front of me and staring at me. I feel like she's always demanding attention and no wonder, she's obviously picking up this vibe from me.

I have spoken to her and apologised if I've been grumpy and explained I have a lot on and it's nothing to do with her but it's going on for a while now.

Even when I ask her questions about school, it's not from genuine interest, it's out of obligation because I know as a parent I should care. I just zone out so much. Whenever she shouts 'mum' or does something funny I just feel myself cringing inside and rolling my eyes if she can't see. I feel on the verge of exploding at all times to be honest.

I have went through irritable stages, but none quite so bad. I have also went through stages where I am so close with her and focused and contented. I just can't seem to get this back. No matter what I do. Parenting feels like a chore I don't need just now and I feel AWFUL saying that.

Has anyone else felt the same? Or am I just bloody awful? The masters I'm doing is social work and as much as I'm enjoying it, I have found dealing with other peoples problems has made me not deal with my own at the end of the day. Self care etc is out the window.

You're not awful OP. Your post seeks out a way to not feel the way you're currently feeling.

I just think you've got too many plates spinning and as a result your daughter is missing out on real and quality time with you.

She is going to pick up more and more on it sadly if it continues. Can you prioritise a few hours in the week where you and her go out and have mummy and daughter time uninterrupted?

I too am interested in what, as a social worker, you would advise a woman in this situation.

I so recognise this pattern, both as a zoned-out stressed single parent and as the daughter of a social worker who came home with nothing left to give and was going through the motions/1 breath from losing her rag for years.
Try offloading your feelings about the day in a journal for 2 minutes when you get home. Make sure you have proper supervisions at work and aren't carrying the world's stresses home with you.
Give yourself some time to decompress and zone out, even if its only 20 minutes looking at the sky while you walk the dog. Go for a walk, go for a run or swim, spend time with friends, read a book in the bath. Read a magazine while she does her gymnastics. Whatever you enjoy, consciously give yourself permission to take time for and shut the other brain tabs.

You will be modelling self-care for your daughter, and investing in your career as you can't afford to burn out. Have pizza and film nights together. Put music on and dance.
Great that you have identified that something needs to change and that the problem isn't your daughter

I’m in a similar situation but without studying for a masters as well (manic full time job instead) and I completely understand the brains full and can’t cope. What I’ve found helps is going to bed earlier (when you can) as tiredness makes it worse, let your standards slip slightly on tidying as getting even 30 minutes back is worth it (or I get my 2 dc’s to tidy for pocket money), we have a really simple dinner some nights that doesn’t need brain power (beans on toast) and I set my youngest a challenge of reading 5 pages of her book (for my peace) and then tell me about it (stops the mundane chatting) and I find it easier to stay interested then.
Other than those suggestions, you’re doing great and just need to count down the days until your masters is done.

As someone has been a qualified social worker for the past twelve years, I would gently suggest that your plan upon qualifying sounds like you will again be stretching yourself too much. Full time as a newly qualified AND a part time evening job?

Your first year in practice will require portfolio work and assessments. It's such a full on job - don't burn yourself out before you've even properly begun.

Everyone seems to be rushing to reassure you that you're not an awful mum, but I disagree. Your dd needs you now, not in a few months or a couple of years. She's 10 ffs, she has no voice or autonomy. She's entirely reliant on you for her physical and mental wellbeing. I think it's remarkable that you want to be a social worker when your own parenting is questionable, where is your judgement? You need to make more time for your daughter and/or insist that her father has her more often so she gets proper parental input. Poor kid, she must feel shit about herself.

@CalistoNoSolo

and you must be perfect?

You’re not an awful mum but I think you’re being an awful mum, if that makes sense. You’re stretching yourself way too thin and the thing you’re dropping is the one thing that really, really matters. I have to agree with PP - your dd needs you to fix this now, not in a few months, and you’re still planning on taking on way too much. You need to drop something or find a way to relax, because you know your dd deserves better and you are the one responsible to fix that.

I have felt like you, and I have a co-parent who does an equal amount (4 kids though). As you realise, you have too much on. Sounds like you are doing your best by your daughter. February is closer than you think, and things will improve then, sounds like. Hang in there, you are going to make it!

** I’ve seen your username several times tonight being horrid and insulting on various threads. What’s your problem?

I am a 'single' parent to a ten year old girl. I write 'single' because I have a lot of support from her dad and she goes to his house to stay every second weekend from Friday until Monday.

This really jumped out at me- having full responsibility for your child 12 days out of 14 is not 'having a lot of support'! Why does her dad get to only do one sixth of the parenting you are doing? He really needs to step up and take on more responsibility for his child.

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. x

@awfulbanana
I can't believe all the posters attacking you.
You are clearly burning the candle at both ends, but you are almost done your degree. 👏
Could you ask your Ex to take DD every weekend til you are done?
I would also re-evaluate your post-grad work plan. Seems too much. You need to reassure your dd you are there for her and are working really hard to ensure a good future for you both. You also need to ensure the time together matters, which is why I suggest help from ex and re-evaluating how you will work in the new year.
Good for you for working so hard to move up the career/education ladder as a single mum.
Men do it all the time without criticism. 🤦‍♀️
Ignore the b's on here that are just trying to take you down so they can feel sanctimonious.

I thought the same and I thought it was indicative of OP’s low self worth. OP you have too much going on, your ex needs to step up and do more

You clearly sound overwhelmed and possibly on the cusp of burning out, it's not your daughter's fault, it's normal of her to seek attention and interaction. The irony of writing up social work thesis for your masters and neglecting the nearest to you at home hasn't escaped you, so clearly something needs to change. If you put things into perspective, all this shall pass, so go through it the best you can but keep your daugther a priority, in a few years time you will be craving this attention when she's a teenager and her friends become her whole world.

Of course not. What a stupid comment. But I have always prioritised my DD, something the op clearly doesn't do.

Honestly reading this I feel so bad for your daughter. You roll your eyes at her? You feel like you're going to explode? You're in social work - if a mum said this to you do you think some safeguarding might kick in?

I think at a minimum you need to speak to your GP because this could be depression (based on it sounds like PND symptoms to me but she's 10 so it might just be regular depression)

You also need to speak to her Dad and whether he owns his own company or not he needs to step-up a bit here.

Although this is quite harsh I do somewhat agree.

Lovely response. I suppose you cared for your child solo while on a full time placement, studying for a masters and two part-time jobs? I assume on weekends the OP is working or studying. Not really a rest is it? I think anyone would find this extremely challenging OP. Try not to give yourself a hard time, power through until February when you are qualified and you should hopefully find a big difference 💐

I still think you have too much on, even when it drops back. You can't work full time in a demanding social worker role and just fit in two other part time jobs (in run up to Christmas). It's too much! You are living on adrenaline and trying not to collapse and so are wired when you are trying to interact with her and can't slow down enough to listen or spend time. I do get it, but it does need fixing. I would suggest spending 30 min prior to bed just being with her, talking, sitting on her bed, this a key time for that age children to talk. Don't 'do' stuff, just be with her (like with the Roblox thing). That way she knows she's getting your attention at least once a day fully (even if you are a bit distracted inside).

You're not an awful mum but I do feel a bit sorry for your DD asit's not her fault.
I do totally get what you mean about needing free time after work for headspace when you are so busy, I work full time too and did a masters when my daughter was young.. and this is one of the reasons I had 'only' one child. I have a partner but he's rubbish and I do almost everything, so I know what you mean about finding it irritating when she wants massages and your constant attention.

Meant kindly, you do have every other weekend off. Obviously you are working, but there is there time on those days after work for a bit of self care and to catch up on sleep?

It sounds like you have a plan from February, it's only 3 months away plus you are planning to drop some weekend shifts around Christmas. Hopefully this might make things easier.

Social work placements are full on and draining, I think it's brave to articulate how you feel.

Take an easy route, roblox, films together etc are fine she'll know when you are relaxed and that's important not trying to entertain just being together peacefully.

Ignore the shitty comments, OP. You already know that your dd deserves better than what you're able to give her right now, and that's why you posted. No need for others to keep twisting the knife.

You clearly know that something needs to change. It sounds like you're very stretched, so it's worth considering whether there is something that you could drop. Could dd's father help more - either with childcare or finances? You say that he is supportive. Could friends or family help in any way? Do you think you might need to talk to the GP about your mental health? Can you get more support from your employer/uni to help you process the stressful nature of the placement?

Something has to give. Your relationship with your dd at the age she is now will likely set the tone for the teenage years that lie ahead. She deserves a loving and present parent, but you already know that. I'm sure you'll work it out.

Erm, no. Absolutely no safeguarding would kick in in this situation for the child.

Thats a shame really, feeling like you could 'explode' at your own child is a huge concern to me. But apparently not social services. Regardless, see your GP.

@Whattodonexts I feel like I could explode in general. I never have and never will physically harm my daughter. I'm reaching out here for advice to lessen the likelihood of me doing her any emotional harm. She is fed, clothed, lives in a lovely clean home with two parents who love her and work hard for her. No, social work would not be concerned regarding this.