To pull my daughter from bullying school until something is done?

[abstractfaces]

NC because this is outing, I really need some advice and (hopefully) stories of positive outcomes!

DD is in Y9 (age 13) and went up to the high school this year. Always been in top 10% of her class, always loved school and generally has had a very strong friendship group. Had some issues with a couple of girls in her year (former friends) ganging up on her in Y8, it got physical, but school dealt with it well, she moved past it, and all seemed to calm down.

She moved up to high school and loved it for the first few weeks, but these girls seemed to turn on her again, and started ostracising her. They've encouraged other friends to do the same and she only has a few allies left. School 'had words' and imposed sanctions on those involved.

Things escalated a couple of weeks ago with more threats of physical violence and intimidating behaviour. Lots of whispering behind her back, bullying and abusive messages sent on social media.

School were chocolate teapot levels of useless, I felt utterly dismissed informally raising my concerns regarding their lack of action. Since my first discussion with her head of house my DD has been put in more danger, she's had a 'safe space' to retreat to when things get too much but the teacher in charge was allowing her bullies in to further intimidate and upset her. She's gone to her form tutor in tears after incidents and has been told to 'go away, I don't have time'. Despite my pushing for it time and time again in a two week period she was not introduced to any safeguarding leads/responsible adults nor given a 'plan' for who she can go to if more issues take place at school.

Despite all that's happened the girls involved have had no further action than being moved form rooms and a couple of detentions. School suggested holding an assembly on kindness as a resolution to their behaviours.

I placed a formal complaint (lack of following their bullying policy, lack of safeguarding provision, disregard for my child's MH). Slightly relative, my daughter has a health condition that means the effects of stress/cortisol on her body can be dangerous.

DD (understandably) has not been in to school for 1.5 weeks. I have been driving her in the morning and sitting in the car park outside with her while she sobs - I've had to pick her up mid-way through the day while she roams the corridor sobbing because teachers have sent her away - we've had night upon night where she cries and can't sleep at the thought of going to school. She's been let down by so many adults who are supposed to protect her at this school that I just won't make her feel the same.

We're starting private counselling tomorrow as school refused to refer her. The only solution they've provided in a meeting with the headmaster last week is to change seating plans so she's away from these girls, and (finally!) introduce her to the school's safeguarding lead.

She has a friend who has not been to school for a month due to similar bullying from the same group of girls - we found out yesterday that she took an overdose and is in hospital.

I have lost absolutely all faith and trust in the school, as has she, and she would like to move. There are two schools we've put a mid-year application in for, one is the local 'outstanding' Grammar (we did not apply first time around for this as exH felt strongly he didn't want her going, I suspect because he would have had to drive her rather than see her off on the bus outside his house). The second is the local 'good' comp which is fine but not a great reputation. She is sitting the Grammar test a week today.

I am wondering

• The Grammar is full in her year so I'd have to go to panel to get in - obviously waiting for the results then panel will take time (I imagine after Xmas?). I'm frantically hunting down an Educational Psychologist for a report, as well as trying to get in touch with a LA Education Welfare Officer for the same. I'm hoping to appeal on the grounds of MH and general Health but no idea if it'll be successful.
• If she doesn't get in to the Grammar (assuming tests will be fine, she's got above 90% in all practices we've done) we will send her to the comp, but
• What on earth do I do with her in the meantime?! We're hopefully meeting with her head of house/safeguarding lead to reassure her and see if she could gently reintegrate back into school while the transfer process takes place, but I don't have huge amounts of faith this will happen and I will not compromise her MH further

Do I just remove her from school/keep her off while all this is going on? I work (WFH thankfully) so not the end of the world but I don't want her missing out on this much education in her pre-GCSE year (and you can only do so much Grammar school revision before things get boring for her!). Realistically it could be another 1-2 months before a decision from the Grammar and if we don't get in anyway that'll be wasted time.

And that's before I tackle all this with exH who thinks DD should just 'pull herself together and get on with it'.

Any thoughts/experiences/knowledge on this awful situation would be so appreciated.

I would pull her out.
From your description she is not physically safe and her mental health will deteriorate further.

Engage with the attendance and welfare officers. Make a diary log of all events and evidence of social media bullying.
If the school is run by a Trust contact the relevant Trust Lead, if the Locoal Authority contact their welfare attendance lead.

You could look to getting online or local tutors to bridge the gap for some subjects and keep her occupied.

Have you looked round the other comprehensive school together? She might like the vibe. Obviously focus on their pastoral care.

I'd pull her out without hesitation.
My niece had a very similar situation and was home schooled from around that age. Now 21, great job, really happy, no regrets at all.

We have looked at the local comp - she's super keen on it as she knows a couple of girls there and from what I can tell they place a lot of emphasis on pastoral care. But these are schools with 2,000 kids so I'm still slightly concerned (but also worried the same will happen at the all-girls grammar!).

Everything's being logged and I have chains and chains of emails to the school as well as call logs and social screen grabs. It's exhausting for us all - I haven't eaten/slept properly since this kicked off. Managing the school and the evidence has become my full time job!

Great shout on the online tutor - I'll look into this.

Pressed post too quickly - that was in response to @OllieCollieWoo

@EvilElsa as much as I'd love to confidently homeschool I'm not sure I have the patience! And couldn't work around it

You can request to access personal data on your daughter at school (e.g. emails/info on their system in your daughter's name. Might show some interesting correspondence between departments).
The ico.org.uk website has more info.

I know a few families who have done this. Been interesting...

Have you contacted Ofsted and mentioned this to the school, using the words, "failure to protect"?
Just anything to make them take it seriously.

I've done this at work but it never crossed my mind to do a SAR for this situation - thank-you!

My son had similar, the headteacher idea to keep him safe and support him was put him on a part time table and give him a report card so he can write down the times he feeling anxious. I pulled him from school and I home educate him. It’s not for everyone but my son has absolutely flourish this last year. He’s learning whilst doing a college course on a farm as well as weekly trips to different museums. His fitness levels are through the roof as he never sat still. Biking riding, walk climbing. Running etc. He socialises more now than he ever did in school. His mental health has improved dramatically as he’s no longer in an unsafe environment and is finally learning to trust adults again. I just wished I’d done it sooner.

Time for the police to get involved.

Bullying on social media in contravention of malicious communications etc etc.
Threats and intimidation.
Anything physical is assault.

Report these girls to the cops and the school to councils, Ofsted, MP and anyone else you can think of.

In the meanwhile, pull her out, change her numbers and delete social media and make new ones that are more restricted, harder for bullies to find.

https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/kids.html

Thank-you - I reported this to the police as soon as we had the threats of violence, it's been referred to the school safety team. I've supplied her school with the crime ref number but no clue if anything's been done on this yet.

It seems rife in her school, since she joined in sept around 4 girls have left because of the same thing. They had an ofsted inspection six weeks ago, I wish I had more of a picture of the situation prior so the information I have now may have had more of an impact.

No direct experience or advice, OP, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a fantastic mum. You are advocating so strongly for your poor DD, in what sounds like an horrendous situation. The fact that she can see you fighting for her shows her how much she is loved, so I hope she can at least feel secure and safe in her home life, even if school has let her down so badly. It isn't easy being a parent sometimes, but you are demonstrating quite how critical it is to get the big issues right, because from what I've read, you are making all the right decisions, so just keep doing what you're doing and your girl will know she is loved deeply

Yes absolutely within your rights to pull her out! This has not been dealt with correctly by the school! Your poor daughter! The school have completely let her down!
Go above the head, and report to governors and I’d put in an official complaint to ofsted.
The school are not following the correct policies to help keep children safe and it needs sorting.
Hope your daughter is ok as she can be.

I would definitely get the police involved. I would let the school know that this what you're doing as they tend to be keen to deal with things internally.

Depending on how far you want to take this, I might also consider sending a solicitor's letter accusing the school of negligence and failing in their statutory duty to protect your child from bullying.

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. It seems that you have been doing everything in your power to resolve this situation. Did you copy in the governors and/or local authority?

If this was my daughter, there is no way I would be sending her back to that school. Keep her at home and if you can afford it, have a private tutor a couple of times a week. She will learn more studying at home, where she is not under threat by these bullies and feeling completely safe. Fingers crossed she will get into the grammar school, 90% in her tests is great. If not, try the other comp. Anything would be better than sending her back to this school.

Is there anyway at all that you could afford private school?

Thank-you - I reported this to the police as soon as we had the threats of violence

That's good.

But I'd really push for the police to act on the online harassment. That's possibly a criminal offence and nothing to do with the school. Make it clear that it happened out of school and look up the acts etc that covers the online harassment crimes.

...

And then go totally apocalyptic...

Sue the school - (search out educational legal advice solicitor.)
Sue the bullies.
Sue the parents of the bullies.
Privately prosecute the bullies for harassment.
Contact Ofsted repeatedly until they act.
Contact local papers
Detail it all on Facebook, including names.

And if all that fails...

Pay a local farmer to spray muck up the schools windows. 🤪 (I'm kidding... Don't do this.. but if you do, film it for tictok.. but don't do this.. 🤪)

It's less than 4 weeks until the Christmas holidays. You sound like you're doing all the right things. Have to say the comp sounds appealing and it would probably be easier for her to settle into and catch up with the work on. It's not just moving to a school that's good on the pastoral side, it's that a more shallow learning/catch up curve and lower homework load would (IMO) help her MH recovery.

Losing a month's schooling in Y9 isn't ideal but it isn't the end of the world either. Joining in December would mean they'd more likely be finishing up topics that may be new to her, whereas in Jan they will be starting more topics afresh.

My daughter's in Y12 and so many of her year group were out of school for months in Y11. A month or so out in Y9 is not easy day to day I know, but it is so much less awful than chronic mental health/EBSA difficulties. As a high achieving child she may need support in accepting gaps in her education due to the move, but as long as she is settled by the start of Y10 (for most subjects, in most schools) she should be absolutely fine. The main thing is you have taken clear action to protect her and get her somewhere safe. Irrespective of where she ends up, this message that she is more important than her learning is absolutely vital to hammer home. Some high achieving children know that's the byline, but don't really believe it.

Deffo pull her out. Whenever we hear that someone being domestically abused we tell them to instantly leave and get out of the situation. So it always amazes me that when it comes to children (the most vulnerable), schools seem to have a grin and bear it attitude??

Haven't read all the responses but the plus side is that your daughter is bright and intelligent and a few weeks of missed school will probably not cause too much of a detriment to her education overall. You could try contacting your LEA re interim tuition. Our son receives this as he hasn't got a suitable school placement (slightly different situation - looking for a special school for him).

I'm so sorry for your DD and you, sounds horrific.

I’m so sorry this has happened.

Clearly the school has been crap BUT now that things have got this bad she is never going to thrive there. I would deregister her from that school today and home educate for a few weeks / montbs until you find a better school place. Don’t worry too much about her missing education, because (1) she won’t: she can learn all she needs to from Oak Academy and books, and (2) the long term damage to her mental health and confidence from being bullied and kmowing that the school the police and even her family did not keep her physically safe is a huge psychological thing to deal with.

Turn around to her now and say don’t worry, relax, you are never going back to that school.

Make all the police and school complaints you can, it might help reduce the number of future victims.

Please take her out, she needs to feel safe and know that you have her back. She will have no problems academically and there is so much online to help her. Request an outline of topics that are going to be done and I'm sure she'll have no problem working independently. I am a teacher and I wouldn't hesitate if it was one of my kids. A young student committed suicide in our locality a few months ago. I really don't want to scare you but bullies like this literally torture their victims.
I wish you and your daughter all the best.

I wouldn’t let this go on another day. Take her out right now. Anything would
be better at this point. Good luck.

Don't pull her out, speak with your GP and get her signed off sick with her mental health. I'm not sure of the specifics, it's a few years since we went through similar, but it's something like after two weeks of being unable to attend due to illness the local authority has an obligation to provide a home tutor. It will govern both of your some breathing space until another school can be sorted, without compromising her education too much,

Take her out
apply for in year transfer
homeschool for now- loads of good materials available
your poor dd
also spoil her a little spiced latte in town, days out etc
let her know she does not have to take abuse and she does not have to feel bad
bullying kills and injures people long term
these kids will grow up and regret it, but until then shield her from them. They are abusive
I am always amazed people the way if an adult man does this he can end up in jail but if a group of kids does it- no thing happens.
Abuse is abuse.

OP, you're doing all the right things. If she were mine, I wouldn't hesitate to keep her off school and get her into another. I was horrendously bullied at school, and likewise, the teachers couldn't be bothered to do anything about it, it ruined by education, I went from leaving primary as a straight A* pupil to leaving the crap comp without any qualifications at all, and it's had a massive impact throughout my adult life, i.e. low self esteem, low confidence, inability to build friendships, etc. Don't let her step foot in that awful school until they start to take it seriously or move her.

As she is too anxious to attend school due to MH have to looked at the possibility of doing a managed move?

Great advice online about it and I did this for ds in year 8 for same reasons.