To pull my daughter from bullying school until something is done?

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NC because this is outing, I really need some advice and (hopefully) stories of positive outcomes!

DD is in Y9 (age 13) and went up to the high school this year. Always been in top 10% of her class, always loved school and generally has had a very strong friendship group. Had some issues with a couple of girls in her year (former friends) ganging up on her in Y8, it got physical, but school dealt with it well, she moved past it, and all seemed to calm down.

She moved up to high school and loved it for the first few weeks, but these girls seemed to turn on her again, and started ostracising her. They've encouraged other friends to do the same and she only has a few allies left. School 'had words' and imposed sanctions on those involved.

Things escalated a couple of weeks ago with more threats of physical violence and intimidating behaviour. Lots of whispering behind her back, bullying and abusive messages sent on social media.

School were chocolate teapot levels of useless, I felt utterly dismissed informally raising my concerns regarding their lack of action. Since my first discussion with her head of house my DD has been put in more danger, she's had a 'safe space' to retreat to when things get too much but the teacher in charge was allowing her bullies in to further intimidate and upset her. She's gone to her form tutor in tears after incidents and has been told to 'go away, I don't have time'. Despite my pushing for it time and time again in a two week period she was not introduced to any safeguarding leads/responsible adults nor given a 'plan' for who she can go to if more issues take place at school.

Despite all that's happened the girls involved have had no further action than being moved form rooms and a couple of detentions. School suggested holding an assembly on kindness as a resolution to their behaviours.

I placed a formal complaint (lack of following their bullying policy, lack of safeguarding provision, disregard for my child's MH). Slightly relative, my daughter has a health condition that means the effects of stress/cortisol on her body can be dangerous.

DD (understandably) has not been in to school for 1.5 weeks. I have been driving her in the morning and sitting in the car park outside with her while she sobs - I've had to pick her up mid-way through the day while she roams the corridor sobbing because teachers have sent her away - we've had night upon night where she cries and can't sleep at the thought of going to school. She's been let down by so many adults who are supposed to protect her at this school that I just won't make her feel the same.

We're starting private counselling tomorrow as school refused to refer her. The only solution they've provided in a meeting with the headmaster last week is to change seating plans so she's away from these girls, and (finally!) introduce her to the school's safeguarding lead.

She has a friend who has not been to school for a month due to similar bullying from the same group of girls - we found out yesterday that she took an overdose and is in hospital.

I have lost absolutely all faith and trust in the school, as has she, and she would like to move. There are two schools we've put a mid-year application in for, one is the local 'outstanding' Grammar (we did not apply first time around for this as exH felt strongly he didn't want her going, I suspect because he would have had to drive her rather than see her off on the bus outside his house). The second is the local 'good' comp which is fine but not a great reputation. She is sitting the Grammar test a week today.

I am wondering

• The Grammar is full in her year so I'd have to go to panel to get in - obviously waiting for the results then panel will take time (I imagine after Xmas?). I'm frantically hunting down an Educational Psychologist for a report, as well as trying to get in touch with a LA Education Welfare Officer for the same. I'm hoping to appeal on the grounds of MH and general Health but no idea if it'll be successful.
• If she doesn't get in to the Grammar (assuming tests will be fine, she's got above 90% in all practices we've done) we will send her to the comp, but
• What on earth do I do with her in the meantime?! We're hopefully meeting with her head of house/safeguarding lead to reassure her and see if she could gently reintegrate back into school while the transfer process takes place, but I don't have huge amounts of faith this will happen and I will not compromise her MH further

Do I just remove her from school/keep her off while all this is going on? I work (WFH thankfully) so not the end of the world but I don't want her missing out on this much education in her pre-GCSE year (and you can only do so much Grammar school revision before things get boring for her!). Realistically it could be another 1-2 months before a decision from the Grammar and if we don't get in anyway that'll be wasted time.

And that's before I tackle all this with exH who thinks DD should just 'pull herself together and get on with it'.

Any thoughts/experiences/knowledge on this awful situation would be so appreciated.

I don't think this would be a good idea - the main ringleader seems to have a really sad and unsettled home life, and my heart goes out to her as I have spent time with her before all this kicked off and deep down she's not a bad person. The whole situation began shortly after she spent the weekend at our house.

For anyone still following along, it's got to wild levels of unbelievability with the school. I met with the headmaster a couple of weeks ago and have only just received a letter summarising the meeting - the letter was emailed yet dated a week ago. It was promised I'd be sent a copy of the minutes (which were typed by his PA in the meeting) but these have not materialised despite following up twice. I was told I'd receive them yesterday - nothing.

The contents of the letter was astounding, it simply laid out the (poor) mitigations they would plan to put in place (including holding an assembly to remind children not to bully). The letter completely omitted the main points of the meeting/conversation from two weeks ago, my main points of complaint. It's like they don't want to acknowledge what's happened in writing.

It makes me change my mind regarding their motives/what's going on in the background: I originally thought they were disorganized at best. incompetent at worst, now I'm wondering what they're trying to hide. The lack of accountability and transparency is nuts.

I've responded to their letter outlining the above and querying the lack of transparency and accountability and have now escalated to the chair of the school trust. We'll see how they respond, and as @OllieCollieWoo suggested if it's not satisfactory I'll make a subject access request.

If I hadn't lost all faith in the school before I certainly have now! I know pushing this won't help my daughter (though I'd like to see her get an apology for their failings to help with her closure) but I'm so mad on behalf of other parents who experience this and who perhaps don't know how to pursue these situations as I do (I do it for a living). So I need to follow it through in the hopes they amend their processes for other kids.

My daughter is still off and being homeschooled of sorts though she had her grammar exam today, so fingers crossed for her.

Have you followed the school complaints procedure to its conclusion, if you have OFSTED is a next step.

Do not pull your child out as in or electing for home Ed.) as this would be seen as parental choice and would absolve the LA of responsibility.
Read up or take advice on Section 19. The LA has a legal duty to educate all children of complusory school age.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/what-support-should-the-la-give-me-if-my-child-is-out-of-school-for-any-other-reason

It hasn't reached its conclusion yet - I have been itching to reach out to OFSTED but am determined to do this by the book so I can't be accused of any untoward motivations. We'll see how long it takes the Chair of the trust to get back to me.

Thank-you for the link, I've emailed the school inclusion team at the LA to enquire what our options are while she's too ill to return to her current school/we wait for a further place, but haven't heard back yet. Absolutely no way will I be withdrawing her, I am not a born homeschooler!

Same experience OP. I don't even blame the school. I pulled DS out when he was punched,spat at, kicked and strangled.

We now home ed and he is sitting his GCSEs independently. He will go to college for his A-Levels. He has returned to his old happy self.
I'm thinking of following the same path for DD10. Secondary school is minefield!

Do not pull your child out as in or electing for home Ed.) as this would be seen as parental choice and would absolve the LA of responsibility.

Not pulling the child out leaves them vulnerable and unhappy. I would pull child out and worry about the legalities and niceties later. Protecting the child is the first duty of the parent, rather than engaging in technicalities.

I think the PP meant deregister in terms of pulling out/home ed. I'm not deregistering her (though she wants me to!) as that'll absolve the LA of their responsibility to find alternate education

I'm so sorry to hear your child went through this - absolutely awful. High schools can be such difficult places indeed.

I found our MP really helpful when in a similar situation. He was aghast at the pathetic safeguarding attempts suggested by the school. The state has to provide your daughter with access to a safe education and is currently failing to do that.

It may not help your DD but you could raise a safeguarding concern with Ofsted, especially given the impact on the other bullied child.

My Y8 daughter was threatened by a friend last week at school - and they referred the girl to the school police officer to discuss her behaviour with her (I am assuming a community officer attached to the school - never knew they had one!)

Such a different response.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should you take your DD anywhere near that school again. I'd deregister her immediately. There is no point dragging it out and risking the threats/fines and keeping that dark cloud lingering over yours and your DDs heads.
I wouldn't worry about missing education for a few months, a stressed out child can't learn anyway. There are now a thousand different ways of learning at home. There is no need to risk her health by subjecting her to that place. Deregister her and tell her she never has to go back to see them people again. You'll probably see the relief have a great impact on her. Give her some time to recover mentally.

Without a shadow of a doubt I would remove her so she never, ever has to go back to that place.

I think, as the OP understood, we are talking of two different aspects of the same thing.

To be able to demand access to education, legally, rules need to be followed. The school/trust and LA will need to work this out. The system us in crisis and LA’s are struggling to find/afford appropriate places to educate children. Sometimes, a parent de-registering is a relief for the LA/school/trust as it ends their responsibility.

There is more information here. https://www.ipsea.org.uk/getting-temporary-education-put-in-place

To clarify, maintaining a school place, doesn't mean she has to attend and after 15 days of absence, legal responsibilities begin. ( As above)

I had exactly the same with my DD in Year 9. Refusing to go, not going to lessons etc. The way I saw it, was she isn't getting an education whilst she was in school anyway due to the bullying,

At the end of it all after multiple meetings and sanctions in place and things on social media and it still didn't stop we pulled her from the school. Police involvement and everything. Still didn't stop.

She did work at home for 8 weeks until she moved to her new school.

It was detrimental to her MH and to mine, we both ended up poorly with it. We never want to go through something like that again.

You try and protect them at all costs.

My heart goes out to you - this sounds similar to what we're going through. My daughter has been really in a hole with it mentally but after starting counselling, 3 weeks away from the environment, and seeing how hard I'm working to try and fix this for her she's getting better.

Me on the other hand - I have been absolutely ruined by it! Mental health in the bin. I had PND when my son was born and I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling very similar. It has been so so so so much tougher to handle mentally than I thought this kind of situation would be. It's starting to feel incrementally better this week but I just want a resolution so we can all move on.

Have you considered raising a safeguarding complaint directly with OFSTED?

As far as I understand it you can't do this until you've exhausted the school's complaint's procedure (more's the pity). No response from school today - or the long-awaited minutes to this meeting!

If you can get support from a doctor who is prepared to say your daughter is unable to attend school for mental health reasons, you would be entitled to ask your local authority to provide home tuition under section 19 Education Act 1996. In any event, if you take her off the school register and can show you are providing a reasonably adequate education at home you won't be prosecuted.

Please don’t give hope. I have found the most amazing online affordable school. Set up by a guy who was bullied and understands our children. Schools are useless they will not keep up ur kids safe. Stop wasting time with them

So sorry to hear about your daughters trauma. I am going through a similar situation with mine.

We pulled her out for a few weeks and have had numerous meetings with the school and have reported to the police.

Please contact the attendance Advisory Service at your LA and let them know the situation, give them the crime reference numbers. We have gained some valuable advice from them.

This morning we had a (late) appeal hearing for our preferred school and have our fingers crossed for a positive outcome based on her mental health and the disruption it has caused to her education. I know most are unsuccessful but I am praying for the best outcome.

Kids are so cruel these days and the knock on effect to their lives are so extreme. As a mum it has totally wrecked me watching my daughter suffer so I can relate with you so much.

I wish you and your daughter the very best, keep fighting and hang in there. You are doing all you can for her and that is so important for her to see. We are not powerless in these situations and we will stand up for what is right, no matter what.

Also check the schools complaints process and escalate it upwards to the governors, head and then ofsted. Keep all your correspondence and try to build a time line of events with evidence to support for appeals etc. All the best.

I notice this post is from last year so hopefully it has been resolved. If not, with any bullying at school always pull them out of that school immediately . I know from personal experience teachers do nothing……ever!!! I hope she’s safe now in a new school or home schooling!

Keep her home but make sure she sees her friends. I would be worried about suicide if you force her to go back but it's also important that she doesn't feel isolated. I'm si so sorry for both of you Shame on the school for not taking this seriously. Remember : this will pass. ❤️

Report the school to Ofsted or threaten to report the school to Ofsted if the issue isn't resolved and these girls actually punished.

Another girl over dosing because of their bullying is very serious and the school shouldn't be letting these girls get away with it.

I wish bullying was dealt with more seriously.

I think she needs to leave the school really. Even if these girls were dealt with, the only way you daughter would probably feel comfortable going back would be if they were all expelled which is pretty unlikely.