To pull my daughter from bullying school until something is done?

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NC because this is outing, I really need some advice and (hopefully) stories of positive outcomes!

DD is in Y9 (age 13) and went up to the high school this year. Always been in top 10% of her class, always loved school and generally has had a very strong friendship group. Had some issues with a couple of girls in her year (former friends) ganging up on her in Y8, it got physical, but school dealt with it well, she moved past it, and all seemed to calm down.

She moved up to high school and loved it for the first few weeks, but these girls seemed to turn on her again, and started ostracising her. They've encouraged other friends to do the same and she only has a few allies left. School 'had words' and imposed sanctions on those involved.

Things escalated a couple of weeks ago with more threats of physical violence and intimidating behaviour. Lots of whispering behind her back, bullying and abusive messages sent on social media.

School were chocolate teapot levels of useless, I felt utterly dismissed informally raising my concerns regarding their lack of action. Since my first discussion with her head of house my DD has been put in more danger, she's had a 'safe space' to retreat to when things get too much but the teacher in charge was allowing her bullies in to further intimidate and upset her. She's gone to her form tutor in tears after incidents and has been told to 'go away, I don't have time'. Despite my pushing for it time and time again in a two week period she was not introduced to any safeguarding leads/responsible adults nor given a 'plan' for who she can go to if more issues take place at school.

Despite all that's happened the girls involved have had no further action than being moved form rooms and a couple of detentions. School suggested holding an assembly on kindness as a resolution to their behaviours.

I placed a formal complaint (lack of following their bullying policy, lack of safeguarding provision, disregard for my child's MH). Slightly relative, my daughter has a health condition that means the effects of stress/cortisol on her body can be dangerous.

DD (understandably) has not been in to school for 1.5 weeks. I have been driving her in the morning and sitting in the car park outside with her while she sobs - I've had to pick her up mid-way through the day while she roams the corridor sobbing because teachers have sent her away - we've had night upon night where she cries and can't sleep at the thought of going to school. She's been let down by so many adults who are supposed to protect her at this school that I just won't make her feel the same.

We're starting private counselling tomorrow as school refused to refer her. The only solution they've provided in a meeting with the headmaster last week is to change seating plans so she's away from these girls, and (finally!) introduce her to the school's safeguarding lead.

She has a friend who has not been to school for a month due to similar bullying from the same group of girls - we found out yesterday that she took an overdose and is in hospital.

I have lost absolutely all faith and trust in the school, as has she, and she would like to move. There are two schools we've put a mid-year application in for, one is the local 'outstanding' Grammar (we did not apply first time around for this as exH felt strongly he didn't want her going, I suspect because he would have had to drive her rather than see her off on the bus outside his house). The second is the local 'good' comp which is fine but not a great reputation. She is sitting the Grammar test a week today.

I am wondering

• The Grammar is full in her year so I'd have to go to panel to get in - obviously waiting for the results then panel will take time (I imagine after Xmas?). I'm frantically hunting down an Educational Psychologist for a report, as well as trying to get in touch with a LA Education Welfare Officer for the same. I'm hoping to appeal on the grounds of MH and general Health but no idea if it'll be successful.
• If she doesn't get in to the Grammar (assuming tests will be fine, she's got above 90% in all practices we've done) we will send her to the comp, but
• What on earth do I do with her in the meantime?! We're hopefully meeting with her head of house/safeguarding lead to reassure her and see if she could gently reintegrate back into school while the transfer process takes place, but I don't have huge amounts of faith this will happen and I will not compromise her MH further

Do I just remove her from school/keep her off while all this is going on? I work (WFH thankfully) so not the end of the world but I don't want her missing out on this much education in her pre-GCSE year (and you can only do so much Grammar school revision before things get boring for her!). Realistically it could be another 1-2 months before a decision from the Grammar and if we don't get in anyway that'll be wasted time.

And that's before I tackle all this with exH who thinks DD should just 'pull herself together and get on with it'.

Any thoughts/experiences/knowledge on this awful situation would be so appreciated.

IME the only way to get my DD's school to properly address a problem was to complain to the local education authority. They very quickly got on board after that.

If she can’t attend school the LA have a duty to provide an alternative education ie she doesn’t need to wait until she gets into another school. She only has to have been off for 15 non-consecutive days, or for it to look like she will be off for 15 days. This info is aimed at parents of disabled children but the same legislation applies to your daughter. In any case she has high levels of anxiety because of the bullying and can’t attend because of the high levels of anxiety, so it is a medical condition that is causing her absence even if the cause of it is bullying.

Go round and have a go at the parents I would.

Why should they win, they will do it to someone else?

Why they do this needs addressing would they likevit done to them?

Don't pull her out. Get her signed off by gp from medical (mental health reasons). Then that will give you more time to think about next steps. Ask school to provide work so that she can keep up.

Do as others have suggested in terms of complaints procedures and police.

Reading these posts about bullying makes me feel sick. It's one of the worst things someone can do to another person.

That sounds lovely. What a lucky boy to have such an understanding mother.

Absolutely pull her out. Your DH would not stay in a job where he was being treated like this by his colleagues and HR were doing nothing, leaving him sobbing in the car before going into his office every morning, would he? What possible use would it be in those circumstances to tell him to "man up"?

There are plenty of resources online now for making sure she stays on top of things, and you could enroll her in one of the fee-paying online schools if necessary for a few weeks/months until this is resolved.

That's a really interesting point @podderpatch makes above - I didn't know about that. Definitely worth pursuing and seeing if this is available from your local authority.

I don't have any advice really, but just want to say I'm so sad for your daughter - I hope she realises her worth.

Could you go to the local press? Seems there is a pattern worth uncovering.

My friends are teachers and complained about their head and deputy head (won't go in to details) to ofsted, involved the local press and it turned in to something much bigger.

If it were my child, I'd pull her out of school for now. Like you say, she's not safe and being let down by the people that should protect her. There's lots of resources online and teachers will often do tutoring on weekends to earn a bit of extra money if that's something you can afford. Also, Christmas is coming up, a nice time of year for you to spend time together whilst you figure out a new school.

I'd also see if she'd be happy to show me any social media - could you add her account to our profile so you can view all the messages she may be getting?

I totally agree with everyone saying pull her out. In no situation would an adult be expected to put up with this, why do we allow it for our children?

I know from experience that bullying can effect you for life.

There is no way I would let some little fuckers do that to my kid.

Sending big hugs to you and your daughter, please update us if you feel able x

Yanbu. That school's no good for her. I hope you find something suitable

Is this an independent school? Some of the details here suggest it might be. If so, speak to the local authority now about what help they can offer in finding a place in a state school for your daughter.

You sound like such a great mum, your daughter is very lucky to have you fighting for her.

Sounds like you’re doing all you can.
I’d keep her on the books at the current school: keep driving her in. See if she goes in. If she does go in she may feel more resilient on the basis she doesn’t need to fit in as it’s short term:
Best case it empowers her a bit.
Worst case she doesn’t go in and is at home; which is the situation you’d be in anyway if you take her straight out, but upside is she’s still under LA care (despite being off sick)

Ofsted don't investigate complaints. Use the schools complaints procedure

It's a comp - not an independent.

We had a meeting with the school late last week but literally even driving over the threshold of the car park left her a quivering mess. she was very brave and we sat through the meeting with her head of house and safeguarding lead (I drilled them as to why we're a month into this crap yet this was the first time she'd met anyone remotely related to safeguarding at the school). The purpose was to reassure her of her safety and the measures they'd take for her at school, but she cried throughout. I have lost complete confidence at this point and don't think there's anything we can do to get her safely back into the school.

Grammar school tests on Tuesday and based on how those go we'll take it from there. I've also had further contact from the schools liaison at the police so I'll pursue the cause with them, too.

So we kept our daughter off for about 3 weeks while we applied for new schools for almost exactly the same reasons (including death threats), she had a place but in the end decided to go back to her current school as she is ND and struggles with transition. But we made our point and things are getting better. There are other things that we are working on, not least teacher's attitude to her ND due to a massive fuck up in Y7

I think it was worth it, but we were getting close to getting fined and we were fortunate in finding a place quickly.

I would tell her now she never has to go back. I did that with one of mine. I adopted the view that if it was me, and a work place I would have left.
Sounds like a move to the comp would be easiest.

It sounds as if the school is not putting effective strategies in place to tackle the bullying. I don't think an assembly on kindness is going to change anything.

I would take her out and enroll her in an online school until you can find a decent physical school for her.

Leadership, or lack of it, stems from the head and if the head teacher and senior leadership team are not doing a good job then nothing will change.

It's dreadful that a teacher told her to go away.

Well done for protecting your daughter OP. Different situation but we took our daughter out of year 1 because the school weren’t providing any adjustments for her autism. Her distress levels were off the chart. Funnily enough since we’ve told the school we’re not planning to send her back they’ve been all ears- promising us all sorts of adjustments in a concerted PR campaign. It’s all too little too late unfortunately as she becomes similarly distressed about the idea of going anywhere in the vicinity of the school & has retreated in to herself. I really hope you manage to find the right set up for your DD & I’m glad the votes on here are unanimously in your favour.

I have told her as much and used this rationale - I would never ever ever accept this from a workplace (and it would be escalated to high hell!!). I feel I maybe shouldn't have insisted she took the grammar test before moving, her preference is the comprehensive over selective, but I want her to feel out all options. Hopefully we'll have a clearer view after Xmas

I'm so sorry you went through this too, I can't even imagine how devastating death threats would have been for such a young child.

Can I ask how you even got close to being fined? I have multiple emails from myself to school by way of receipts - stating over and over again their failure to keep her safe from the physical threats from school. I had a meeting with the headmaster over a week ago where I proactively asked them for a referral to an education welfare officer (I sent an agenda prior to give a clear outline of their failings and my issues with each) but nothing yet, and tellingly despite chasing up the minutes to this meeting at the beginning of the week they are yet to arrive.

I am wondering if it would be an idea per a previous poster's recommendation to carry out a subject access request to get hold of these meeting minutes along all other comms regarding my daughter.

I'm so sorry your DD's first experience with school was so negative, that's awful for her. Hopefully she's young enough for her next school to have a huge positive impact on her.

I have experienced similar regarding positive PR. Interestingly OFSTED visited the school a couple of weeks ago and sent a follow up email saying they didn't collect enough information and they'd returned this Friday, I would like to drop them a note to brief them on our experiences in the hopes it will bring to light this horrific situation.

Aw op how awful your dd confidence has been shattered. Can you speak to the parents or is it a no go?

Absolutely get her out , don't send her back into that . She will be so much better elsewhere. How awful for you both xx

There are loads of much more experienced people here to support you, and I agree that you are doing all the right things.

The only useful thing I can add is to look at Seneca online to support her learning for now; there’s more than enough on the free one to take you to Christmas and it teaches to exact exam board syllabuses. Good luck and keep going…