To think if I work less days, I shouldn’t have to pay half of the bills?

[Mama1209]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We both earn decent wages (but not rich in any sense). We have 4 children between us, only 1 together. We have always paid half of bills, holidays, trips, Christmas etc. I strive for equal partnership. Even when I was on maternity leave I paid my share from SMP, savings and even credit! As well as doing the lions share of housework & child rearing. Up until now, I’ve built up my working days and have been part time 3-4 days per week, but the last few months I’ve been working more- 46hrs approx a week over 6 days in order to pay for Xmas and we are going on a holiday in the new year. It’s been a lot for me and I’m on the verge of burn out but I know it’s only for a few more weeks then have a good 3 weeks off work. Definitely couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do that full time. My DH is SE has his own business so is out of the house 7 days a week, but doesn’t necessarily have to be at the building site so often goes early on a morning (avoiding school / nursery runs) (another bone of contention) then comes home for a nap, walks his dogs, has what I’d call “me time” which I never get btw! Then today he says “well I think next month you should cut your days down and do 4 days max so you have a day in the house” (he means to clean). This infuriated me as I also have a small business alongside my regular job which I’ve had to massively scale back due to household/ childcare commitments. So I said to him “ok but since your out 7 days a week at work, and me only 4, that needs to be reflected in the % or ratio we split the household outgoings! AIBU to expect him not to have his cake and eat it?! Ie if he wants a financial 50/50 split, I should be able to work 7 days a week too? And he should also do 50% of the childcare/ housework?

That's what we do. I pay 25% towards the house and do 75% of chores. I also work full time but from home which means I have more opportunity to do regular small tasks and get to keep more of my disposable income in return. Works for us but we arrived at that via mutual agreement from the onset of the relationship.

Goodness is this a business arrangement or a relationship? I've never understood married couples who think along these lines though so probably not the nest person to ask.

It sounds like everything has been arse about face on finances and domestic responsibilities for some time.

You need to both sit down and draw up how the household is going to work rather than tinkering around the edges.

My gut instinct is he has no intention of stepping up at home and is one of those men who are very progressive when they want their wives to earn money and pay financially, but suddenly very traditional when it comes to the woman doing the homework whilst the hard working hubby puts his feet up.

Even when I was on maternity leave I paid my share from SMP, savings and even credit! why!!!!!!!

All one pot here- which makes it so much easier and fairer.
That's no help though- sorry.

You're in a partnership not a buisness together... maybe I'm old school.. but money is put together.. and everything comes put of one pot.. chores are shared depending on work commitments etc.

Yes, you should pay less but it’s not ‘less days’ it’s ‘fewer days’.

Is this a pro rata business arrangement?

Even when I was on maternity leave I paid my share from SMP, savings and even credit!

This isn't equality. It's ingratitude and exploitation. No decent man would have made his postnatal wife on mat leave do that.

And you should learn to use commas.

Tell him to book a cleaner and then take your day off to relax.

You seem fun.

Oh don’t be an arse.

In what world is this helpful? Do you feel a sense of self satisfaction?

And yes OP you should absolutely pay less.

So you work more hours, get less time to yourself, and do more housework and childcare?

And he wants you to reduce your earning, still contribute the same, and run around after him some more?

Does he think you're a mug?

Agreed. If you’re married and have a child, you should be sharing finances and not quibbling over them.

But this is one of the many problems with blended families 🤷‍♀️

This doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

If you keep your money separate, you should split the bills proportionate to your income.

And you should split housework fairly.

It’d be easier to have a shared pot. Working in percentages in marriage seems a bit sad. Whose are the other 3 kids? Do you not want to bicker about who’s paying more than their fair share for each kid too? Do you want to work 7 days a week?

None of this makes sense to me.

You pay into the ‘pot’ based on earnings and you split household chores based on what suits you as a team.

You sound like you house share rather than live as a family.

Alternatively you could work out what it would cost to pay someone to do all the childcare, housework, cooking etc that you currently do and he can pay you half of that.

Seems massively unfair YANBU.
My DH pays all the bills and pretty much everything out and about. I pay for the food and he earns way more than me. However, we are going to start using the joint account for an equitable situation.

I would stay full time but share the cost of outsourcing with your DH.
Cleaner. Gardener. DIY jobs. Hello Fresh stuff

Yes, this bit is shocking. Does he not realise that your contribution at that point was caring for yourself and your (yours and his) baby. You were unable to earn at that point so he should have contributed more.

I too am old school, it doesn't really matter who pays.

Are there other children living in the house?

Although you should be able to work whatever hours you choose of course. But finances might possibly be split according to how many children are there that are not actually his if their own father is paying towards their living costs.