To think if I work less days, I shouldn’t have to pay half of the bills?

[Mama1209]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We both earn decent wages (but not rich in any sense). We have 4 children between us, only 1 together. We have always paid half of bills, holidays, trips, Christmas etc. I strive for equal partnership. Even when I was on maternity leave I paid my share from SMP, savings and even credit! As well as doing the lions share of housework & child rearing. Up until now, I’ve built up my working days and have been part time 3-4 days per week, but the last few months I’ve been working more- 46hrs approx a week over 6 days in order to pay for Xmas and we are going on a holiday in the new year. It’s been a lot for me and I’m on the verge of burn out but I know it’s only for a few more weeks then have a good 3 weeks off work. Definitely couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do that full time. My DH is SE has his own business so is out of the house 7 days a week, but doesn’t necessarily have to be at the building site so often goes early on a morning (avoiding school / nursery runs) (another bone of contention) then comes home for a nap, walks his dogs, has what I’d call “me time” which I never get btw! Then today he says “well I think next month you should cut your days down and do 4 days max so you have a day in the house” (he means to clean). This infuriated me as I also have a small business alongside my regular job which I’ve had to massively scale back due to household/ childcare commitments. So I said to him “ok but since your out 7 days a week at work, and me only 4, that needs to be reflected in the % or ratio we split the household outgoings! AIBU to expect him not to have his cake and eat it?! Ie if he wants a financial 50/50 split, I should be able to work 7 days a week too? And he should also do 50% of the childcare/ housework?

Fewer

Your post is confusing. So you were working part time, but have recently had to do slightly more that full time hours and have found it exhausting and are nearly burned out.
So your husband suggests you go to 4 days a week and pay less towards the bills. But you are annoyed that you cant work 7 days a week like him??
Strange

We just put almost all we earn in a shared account except £300 each for going out, particular things we want to get.

It's fucking easier that way. No secrets. No chatting about 50/50 or 60/40. It's shared family money

@missmollygreen he hasn't suggested she contribute less- just work less.

I'm struggling to understand why.
A. You're not pooling your incomes?
B. Why does having a business equate to working 7 days a week?

I don’t understand these bizarre financial setups. You aren’t in a uni house share ffs.

Youre married OP. MARRIED.

The only thing that really means is that you and your husband are one financial unit.

That means all the income goes into one joint account. All the bills, stuff for the kids, joint savings and investments get paid from there. Whatever is left is split between you equally for “fun money” or for you to save or invest- whatever you choose.

What man allows his OH to take out credit to fund bills during mat leave to look after his kids? How unattractive.

I think what’s strange is you haven’t read the post before commenting. Come back once you have read and understood what I’ve written. Thanks!

Christ what a way to have a marriage!!

Out of the 4 dc how many are yours? if all 4 are yours then why would your dh completely fund 3 dc that's not his or vice versa? Would be difficult to say without knowing the details of dc.

Oh do just stop it; this isn’t a bloody school. You don’t get a medal for being a smart arse.

Another sanctimonious idiot 🤦‍♀️

I've no idea how you can share life together without staring finances. Are you intentionally trying to stay independent if this is your second relationship with children?

You are not equal or partners

You do all childcare and housework 24/7 and pay half of all the bills even while on maternity while he gets to be out of the house all week.

Being equal as a women does not mean doing and paying for everything

Why would financial input be equal but input at home on housework, life and parenting not? He can pay more or he can do more. As should have been the case earlier. I think you should take two weeks off and go away and he can work it out, since I really think you should take 6 months off and let him do it all since you funded your maternity leave, surely he can do it all too while contributing financially. How he manages his work to do so is not your problem , just as he didn’t think it his problem that you were using savings to pay while you couldn’t work.

why did either of you ever consider your financial and domestic split to date fair? So utterly weird. So far historically all your free house/children Labour has had no value at all to either of you!! Where is his contribution financially or domestically to counterbalance your unpaid chores/childcare. I suggest you start by working out the financial value of your free labour in the house/with children. A yearly Salary for cleaner/taxi/nanny/house admin/kids admin & meeting. You do everything Monday to Friday and almost everything weekends, so what would you cost to replace? What does this ‘womens work’ look like as a life time figure? Why is it worthless to either of you?

secondly what the hell has he been doing with ‘his’ additional time and additional cash? You don’t have the same capacity to earn the same cash or take the same breaks because of children/house tasks. What has he been doing with all your lovely gifted money and time? How strange he spoils himself but runs you into the ground. What does this say about him? His values? What he thinks of you? Clearly a skivvy.

DH and I have our own cash too but contributions are all ratio driven to reflect earnings and childcare/house keeping. In addition money moves freely between us as extra demands arrive, this is because all money is really our money. We are a team and bat tasks between us to elevate pressure/sickness/tiredness. Neither of us would dream of taking all the relaxing time off, leaving the other with none. A good way to work out how fairly down time is split between you is to work out how much down time you each have each week to relax or do your own thing without the responsibility of work/childcare/house chores.

100% this. I earn less than DH, though we’re both currently full-time. When I was part-time when DS was little, I earned even less - but everything went into one pot and everything came out of that, except savings which mostly went into my ISA to compensate for my lower pension and my future earning potential being impacted by being part-time and this having a knock-on effect on my long-term career.

OP, this isn’t an equal or fair arrangement.

Sounds quite soulless. I echo others who say get him to iay for a cleaner and enjoy a day off. He is already supporting your children that are not his though, so I think 50/50 is fair enough tbh.

Why on earth were you taking out credit to pay your 'half' of the bills when you were on maternity leave to look after a shared newborn?!

Of course you're not being unreasonable but someone who is content to needlessly avoid all school runs, thinks its OK for his wife to pay proportionately more of her salary towards shared household expenses and thinks its OK for him to have leisure time and not her, and thinks it's OK that his wife does pretty much all his share of household and child chores, isn't going to just agree to something that's fair and reasonable. Because he clearly isn't fair or reasonable

This. I think you deserve better from your DP.

If you share a child, what's the split of the other 3 (I.e do you have 1 and he has 2), how much of the week do they live with you, and could the children get involved with chores if old enough?
Potentially 6 bodies in your household, it shouldn't be down to the OP.

I haven’t got past the bit where you say you strive for equality and the reality of that equality is you using savings and accruing debt to pay for maternity leave and you doing most of the childcare and house work. I don’t understand why he or you think this is acceptable in a marriage.

She should pay fewer.

He wants you to take a day off work to do house work and still pay half of everything?

You realise he’s a cunt right, OP?

Stannis Baratheon is alive and well on MN! 😂

The best time to raise the matter, OP, would have been when you were on mat leave and still handing your SMT over. Still, never too late for a change.