To feel sad seeing a 7 week old baby at DC's nursery today

[comfysketchers]

Dropping my 15 month old off at nursery today before work and there was another woman there at the same time handing over a 7 week old sleeping baby.

He was absolutely tiny and I just felt so sad looking at him thinking that he barely even knows he is out of the womb and his mum is dropping him off to spend all day with strangers in a noisy nursery environment.

I should also add that I live in a country that has excellent parental leave from the government plus most private companies pay at least 10 weeks of full pay on top of that, with many paying much more than that.

YABU - It’s perfectly normal for a 7 week old baby to spend 8 hours per day in a nursery.

YANBU - A 7 week old baby should be at home with its mum.

If you don't want to that's your prerogative but I'm sorry, it's just not the case that it's impossible to get back into work after a career break for the vast majority of careers. If it is then you must work in an incredibly backwards, old-fashioned industry.

He’s a well adjusted three year old, we have a magnificent bond, I’m a better mother because my brain is doing things and I’m happy, and he lives in a badass house because I work hard and earn well. And I’m fairly certain I’d have gone off the deep end if I had to stay at home permanently. I’d say that that’s a pretty good outcome.

I have worked in MH for thirty years. And spoken to hundreds if not thousands of patients.

Once or twice I have heard people mention that they were affected by their parents working away a lot. A tiny fraction of the total number.

I promise that poor mental health does not come from loving families sending their kids to carefully-chosen nurseries. It is soo much more complex than that.

And it’s laughable to suggest that you can tell which kids have been to nursery or not as adults. I have a mix of sahm and working mum friends and our kids are almost all at university now. You cannot tell who had what kind of childcare or sahm! It is so silly to suggest that you can guess from meeting adults 😂

@IDoughnutKnow I'm glad you wouldn't say this in real life. It's a bit shit to say in online though, especially when lots of posters have shared their reasons for why they do it. You are clearly in a very privileged position and it would be a good thing for you to be able to put yourself in the place of others. A little empathy is needed all round on this thread.

Different ideas? What a total indulgent selfish view.. Have you actually taken the time to read what nurseries do to newborns? And young babies?

Most children simply want to spend time with their parents, they do not give a shiny shite about your ‘successful’ career! They simply want to feel loved, cherished and valued. Like everyone the world over.

Well obviously totally inappropriate to be discussing someone else’s child with nursery staff. Nosey CF.

I personally wouldn’t want to leave my 7 week old at nursery but imagine most people wouldn’t. Considering you don’t know the reasons I would keep to yourself rather than framing another persons childcare arrangements as selfish or unnecessary.

In an 'ideal' world women wouldn't need to worry about domestic abuse, cancer and terminal illness either. Maternity benefits would be a lot higher than what the UK gives.
However we don't live in an ideal world.

I pity any poor mum who's barely recovered from birth, who's still up multiple times a night, tying to deal with a tiny baby and trying to hold down a job. I just don't believe anyone would do that if they had a 'real' choice in the matter.

Because 9 times out of 10, it is the mother. 9 times out of 10, there are double standards and the mother is judged for something fathers are rarely judged for.

Not everyone has the same career. I work in a male dominated industry, flexible working is possible at a senior level but taking 2-3 years out would mean I wouldn't be at that level again. Certainly because the men I'd be competing with wouldn't be taking 2-3 years out.

How do you think society would function if all women either stopped having babies or gave up work when they did? Bigger picture?

The sad truth is that there are some couples who have children but treat the whole thing as an inconvenience or one if those things to just fit in. I have known people like this and, even before the baby arrives, they have no intention of doing anything more than the bare minimum. They think they are somehow above the mundanity of their own children. It does happen, sadly,

Who is paying for these 2-3 years out?

For me, taking 2-3 years out probably would make it very difficult to get back in, yes, but it was never really an option because we couldn't afford to do without 2-3 years of my salary.

And is that 2-3 years per child?

Honestly, the fact that you're even asking this question means you should check your privilege.

I work for real money, not fun money, and even if my husband earned enough to support the whole family on his own, I don't think it would be in anyone's best interests for me to make myself financially vulnerable in this way.

One of the dark sides to being a SAHM, which never gets mentioned in these threads, is how many SAHMs are staying in unhappy, unequal, even abusive relationships because they literally can't afford to leave. I'd have thought that was more damaging for their kids than going to nursery.

Do you honestly, truly believe that? You have no idea what people are actually going through. Keep your judgy comments for the Daily Mail

Never managed a successful career, huh?

You can enjoy looking after your children but also not want to throw your career away. So you use childcare, work and look after your children when they aren't at nursery.

Best of both worlds.

This. I'm so happy we live in a society where women can be financially independent and not have to live at the mercy of shit, abusive partners. I am speaking from childhood experience here. More damage is done than going to nursery ffs

@Chilottane my kids are 20 and 22 now and even way back when they were born, we both needed to work. Not to afford luxuries but to afford the basics of food and a roof over our heads. You're very naive to think it's always possible to just take 2-3 years out and be financially OK if you're just frugal enough. Because we were frugal as fuck with both of us working, and we still struggled.

No one is talking about ‘giving up’ work! Putting newborns in nurseries is entirely different to an older child.
UNLESS we are willing to support families with young children then we can hardly be surprised when women do decide to not put themselves through the sacrifice of unsupported pregnancies and babies and enjoy childless lives in the future.

Well, personally, I think parents staying at home with very young children ought to be enabled by the government. I don't think it's right that the expectation is that it's the norm that both parents will work and children will be in nursery from a young age.

Not once did I say I didn't have privilege. I fully acknowledge it. I fully acknowledge many parents have literally no choice but to return to work. Many parents WANT to return to work. But I don't think it should be the case that everyone should have to. I don't think it's fair that being a SAHP should be a choice only open to the financially privileged.

Honestly, I know someone who referred to her baby as 'it' during pregnancy and after and couldn't get out the door quick enough after she was born. It was like a tick box exercise for her and the DH was not much better. Thankfully, they only had one child.

Read my posts. I know full well it is not financially possible for many people, this is the entire point I am trying to make - that it ought to be.

Sounds like your industry is a complete dinosaur, in that case.

Mate, I live in a country where many children are in nursery from 3 months old and guess what? The sky has not fallen in. There is no mental health crisis. Children and their parents still enjoy close and loving relationships.

Your crock of shit studies about what nurseries "do" to babies are brought to you by the same misogynists people who would have you believe that epidurals lead to a cascade of interventions in childbirth and it's better to just manage with gas and air.

Most are sadly

Like I said, it's male dominated.

But it's not right, is it? I think a lot of the problem here is that it's seen to be completely normal and OK for certain industries to look down on and discriminate against women who have taken a few years out of the workplace to look after young children. Not once have I ever reviewed the CV of a woman who has done that and thought "well, that's put her at a disadvantage". On the contrary I'm always delighted to see them coming back, good for them.