To be nervous about raising a boy

[theprincessthepea]

I know… the only thing that is important is having a healthy baby.

I found out the gender of my unborn is a boy and although it’s exciting I am so nervous about being the mother of a boy. I have a daughter (preteen). I grew up around women, dad left when I was young and it has been mum and sister for decades. Although I have uncles I’ve have never been close to any of them. Weirdly have worked in predominantly female teams. I wonder if my upbringing is playing a role in my nerves - which I think stems from not feeling as if I know enough to raise a son. My OH is very supportive and I’m sure I will be leaning on him.

I also do not want this to become a gender debate. I’ve spoken to friends/family with both and they’ve mentioned slight differences but the love is the same.

I know I am being very unreasonable! But I cannot be the only one that has ever felt like this? I’m probably looking for other people that might have felt this way.

I have a boy and would be terrified of having girls. He's amazing, I'm sure you'll be fine. X

Quite. I am really glad you said this. I found the post from @FlissMumsnet really odd and off the mark.

I can relate to this OP- I have lots of amazing girl friends, am very close to my sisters, they have daughters, my first was a girl. When DS came along I was a tiny bit apprehensive, looking back I think it was just because I didn’t have much experience of relationships with boys/men (well my Dad and DH, but no close friends or anyone really my own age other than DH). It I couldn’t quite imagine what our relationship would be like. But of course, he was a baby and as others have said- babies are babies! He’s nearly 5 now, and I adore him, his sex doesn’t come into it, he’s just my gorgeous, head strong, funny, kind, fierce little boy. The idea of a boy vs a girl when you’re pregnant is so abstract, and so loaded with random ideas you have based on biases and preconceived ideas and stereotypes. The actual reality of the little baby in your arms is just your gorgeous newborn, and all of those ideas fade as you bond with your real-life child, sex just doesn’t come into it.

Raise him with the same standards you raised your girl.

I have 2 boys (and a girl) and there was never wee everywhere in all directions all over the place 😵‍💫

Both times I’ve gotten the exact opposite of what I wanted and both times I’ve been nervous about the outcome but it’s been completely joyful. My son helped heal from painful experiences with men and my daughter helps me to create the beautiful relationship I wish I’d had with my mother. I think you get so caught up in the practical care taking and just raising a decent person that before you know it the gender becomes completely irrelevant.

I have one of each, kids is kids and you love and look after them no differently. My DS is a teen now and I’m very mindful I’m raising someone’s future husband. He’s footie mad, likes to party but can also cook, hoover and is compassionate and loving.

Thanks for all the responses so far. I didn’t read any of the deleted posts so I’m not sure what they said (maybe for the best).

My fears might come from over thinking - and some elements of not knowing - and I’m sure there will be slight differences in toilet training which we will get over. Whenever I’ve taken care of boys from friends or family, I have seen them as individuals with personalities - most have been the most gentle and kindest although love running around! Then again so do young girls - but I do love children - and I’m sure as many of you have said, that it is all about raising decent individuals regardless of gender.

@Commecicommeca26 through this I feel that I will go on a journey of “healing” in some way too. My OH has definitely been a huge part of that journey so far.

I dont remember my boys ever peeing in my face at nappy changes.

I have two boys and a girl, including boy/girl twins and GENUINELY the differences between them are way more down to personality than sex. Just don't pander to stereotypes and treat them all the same. There are no special requirements for raising a boy vs a girl IMHO.

It's lovely having a boy. Congratulations op!

Amen to this. I was similarly a bit worried about parenting boys, but after two of them who are wildly, wildly, different, but both very loving and emotionally intelligent, I’ve realised there’s far greater differences between individuals than sexes. You’ll be fine, OP - all the best with your pregnancy.

My two primary age boys are brilliant though also very very energetic (and loud). I am a quiet person so I do find that challenging sometimes but I wouldn't change them.
I have one who loves dancing and singing as well as Lego and vehicles.
The other one likes gymnastics and animals and also Minecraft and all things fart/bottoms etc.
They like watching Strictly and Bake Off with me.
Stereotypes annoy me and I have no idea why so few boys dance as it's great for burning off energy.

I've got four of them.

They're fabulous, caring and love hugging. Just love your boy.

@theprincessthepea I understand your apprehension. My son came along when my DD was 9, and i’m from a very heavy female family. I wasn’t exactly over the moon.

God, I wish I knew then what I know now. He’s just everything. Absolute perfection. He’s 4 now and brings me unbelievable happiness and joy. I love him just as much as I love my DD - but I LIKE him more 🤣 She’s a teenager and such hard work now.

I do believe boys and girls are different. There’s pros and cons, but you’ll look back in time to come and wonder why you were apprehensive, honestly.

I’m due a baby girl soon, and keep walking past baby blue/cream clothes and get a little misty eyed!

I'm so glad I had a boy now. He's easy and his dad isn't overly involved so he's closer to me.

Your feelings may well come from being used to a heavily female environment. I had the opposite. There are almost no girls in my extended family and even my friends have managed to nearly all have boys as well.

If you are happy with your personal circumstances it is normal to then want to replicate or add to this with your own child of the same gender.

I was thrilled to have a boy but the reality is that whether it was a boy or a girl it would have been absolutely fine.

It’s sex. Gender is a social construct. Your child can express their gender however they chose. You sound very single minded about what a male child will be like, which you need to change immediately.

In line with MNFliss's request to offer support, I can do that op. I have a DS and honestly having a boy is truly wonderful. He was an absolute darling and still is at 20. We have the odd argument of course, but we have lovely chats; he spends time with us in the evening; he gives me hugs; he talks about the future; he reminisces about his childhood and about his late DGM; he is a pleasure to be around and I love him to bits. As a small boy he never gave me trouble. Boys are truly fabulous. I also have a wonderful DD but as this is about boys, I just want to reassure you there is nothing to be nervous about.

I have a teenage boy and a teenage girl. I've never noticed any difference in raising them. They're both moody gits when they're tired and hungry.

I had a DD first and both DH and I come from female heavy homes. So when we knew we were going to have a boy, we were nervous. But DS is the absolute best little thing. We are as smitten and head over heels in love with him as DD. No difference at all between them. And I don't think he ever peed on me - not even once.

Of course unconditional love and pointing penises downwards is incredibly important. But it is naive and unhelpful to pretend that we don't need to think about the way we are raising our boys. We've been doing that for ages, and we have a world where male violence is catastrophically high and men's mental health is catastrophically low. We do need to be doing something different. And we need to talk about what. And we need to look at the people in their lives that model manhood. It's not "man bashing" to think about this-it's thinking about how we raise the next generation of happy, healthy well balanced men. And it starts with babies.

You are the perfect person to teach your son to love and respect women. There's no reason for him to grow up a typical chauvinistic male.

@Sofaz34 "You are the perfect person to teach your son to love and respect women. There's no reason for him to grow up a typical chauvinistic male."

Do you really think that the mothers of all the "typical chauvinist males" didn't think that? Don't you think parents -particularly fathers-should perhaps be doing it differently?

Maybe I’m not as invested in the ridiculous nonsense that some in society are trying to thrust on us all.

My son told me he was a dragon yesterday. Should I be teaching him to fly and breathe fire now?

The last thing I or indeed society needs is people suggesting that everyone must indulgen this nonsense. You’ll look back one day and cringe at how stupid it all sounded.

First of all you’re not being unreasonable.

Gender preference is a very real thing. I only think it’s bad or unhealthy if you are distraught to find out you are having one gender, to the point you consider abortion. Having a bit of gender disappointment is normal and common.

I always really wanted a boy, and I just couldn’t imagine raising a little girl. I would have loved either the same and after losing 2 babies in first trimester I just wanted my baby to grow healthy. I did end up having a boy.

I know it’s hard but really throw the stereotypes out of the window and focus on the fact this little baby is an individual and is going to be nothing like any other baby you know.

Once he is here you wouldn’t want it any other way.