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Original poster

To ask you - total strangers - what to do at Christmas

60 replies

namechanger4097 · 19/11/2023 13:23

I have two teenage kids who want to spend some time with their dad (exh) on Christmas Day. He doesn’t do presents, planning, kindness and is a mostly functioning but often low level unpleasant alcoholic. He lives in a small flat with limited kitchen facilities, it’s not at all homely. One thing - He can cook a good roast dinner, I am no chef!) The kids think he’s pretty good - this is a mystery to me as he doesn’t pay child support and goes missing and has never been to a school thing/parents evening and is largely absentee but I am always nice about him as much as I can be and I think because when they go to his they get unlimited sweets, free run of whatever they want to do and 10 hours of roblox a day.

I am not great with Christmas. My parents and siblings live the other side of the country and I don’t want to go to theirs. Me and kids did go to theirs a couple of years ago and the passive aggression and politics put me off for life.

last year I invited exh around for kids sake and I thought oh he can cook dinner 🙈 it was so annoying in reality watching him in the kitchen I paid for and paid again for when I divorced him and which we built whilst he was having a string of infidelities. I can’t face that again. But the kids just want him here and are begging me to invite him around and saying he’ll be lonely.

I have met a nice man and have taken it slowly for a couple of years. I’d like to see him on Christmas Day too. He’s around and flexible and in an ideal world I’d have him here but the kids are pretty rude to him as they just want their dad and are pushing back on his growing presence in house (I’m talking a few hours when they’re here every couple of weeks).

I can’t hide under the duvet all day can I? I think of a friend asked me I’d say “what do you want?”. But the sad thing is I don’t really know what I want other than for Christmas to go last as quickly as it can before my fake grin slides. How can I divide up the day to make it bearable? I really don’t want to let my kids down nor have exh cooking in our home nor upset new fella by not seeing him. How do other separated parents divide the day? I can’t see the wood for the trees here for myself.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 19/11/2023 13:28

Have the morning with them, and then let them go to their father's early afternoon and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want?

shellyleppard · 19/11/2023 13:31

How about the children go to their dads and you have a peaceful Christmas with the new man ?? Its difficult trying to juggle everyone needs but you need some me time too x

OneTC · 19/11/2023 13:32

Breakfast and presents with the kids, exh and kids use your house doing a Christmas day meal, grating as that may be but at least you won't see it, whilst you spend the day with fella then back home for dinner. Fella doesn't come to yours

2dogsandabudgie · 19/11/2023 13:32

Have the Christmas you want. Tell the kids this year that if they want to see their dad they can go to his on Christmas day in the afternoon, and whilst they are there you can spend time with your new boyfriend.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 19/11/2023 13:34

If they want to see their dad, they go to their dad’s.

Don’t be forced to create a precedent where exh spends every Christmas with you.

Your kids are teens, they are old enough to understand.

PonyPatter44 · 19/11/2023 13:35

I agree with 2dogs. Have your Christmas with the kids in the morning, they go to dad's in the afternoon and new man comes to you. That seems like a decent compromise for everyone.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/11/2023 13:38

Don’t invite ex over.
Have a great morning with the kids, drop them to their dads for the afternoon including dinner.
Go and see your bloke.

nibblessquibbles · 19/11/2023 13:39

100pc agree with PP. My kids sometimes split the day between me and exh but I would never in a million years have him over and he would be the same with me.
The kids probably think you'd be lonely without them on Xmas day so just reassure them that you'd be more than happy for them to spend all or part of the day with their Dad and you have a nice relaxing day without stress! Buy a M&S ready meal and job done

Fionaville · 19/11/2023 13:39

I'd have your fella stay Christmas eve, spend the morning/breakfast with him and the kids. Then ex comes in the afternoon and makes the Christmas dinner (he can cook the turkey/meat in his own oven and bring it)

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 19/11/2023 13:41

It isn't up to you to make up for your exh's deficiencies. If he's lonely, that's too bad. Breezy is the way to handle it. As others have suggested, have the kids in the morning, opening presents and a nice breakfast. Then drop them off at exh. Tell him well in advance that is what's happening. Tell the kids that's what's happening. And let them know you have plans of your own. "You don't have to worry about me being lonely my cherubs . I'm going out with pals." Under no circumstances be guilted into having him for Christmas dinner. You don't have to be nice about him. Look where it's got you!

MidnightOnceMore · 19/11/2023 13:42

AlisonDonut · 19/11/2023 13:28

Have the morning with them, and then let them go to their father's early afternoon and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want?

This is what I'd suggest too.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/11/2023 13:43

I think it's important your children see their dad for who he is and stop idolising him. There's no way on this earth I'd let him into my place to cook dinner, either with me there or without me.

I'd ask the children what they want to do, bearing that in mind. They could spend the morning and evening with you, or the morning and evening with their dad.

MidnightOnceMore · 19/11/2023 13:44

Don't have your new man over for Christmas breakfast, you'll just piss the kids off. Christmas morning is family time.

AdaColeman · 19/11/2023 13:45

Have breakfast & do presents with the kids, then late morning ship them off to the Ex for their dinner and the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, open a bottle of champagne with the new man and get some easy party food going for the two of you.
🥂 🍾 🥂

RattlewhenIwalk · 19/11/2023 13:46

I wouldn't be having your ex in your home on Christmas day at all. The kids can go to his when they want to.

You, do what you want. Either put your feet up and enjoy the peace on your own or with your new man. Don't allow your kids to dictate your ex's input

Theimpossiblegirl · 19/11/2023 13:46

Have the morning with your boys, they can go to their dad's and you can have your new chap over when they've left.

Sunday12 · 19/11/2023 13:47

if the children are happy spending time at their dads then I’d do as others suggest. Morning with you and afternoon dads.

then if they eat at dads you could do another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. I think making your own traditions that fit with your family set up is the best way. Then you’re not feeling like you’re disappointing anyone

Totaly · 19/11/2023 13:55

Why are you too towing round the kids? They are teens. You are allowed to say you would prefer it if their father wasn’t round and they are welcome to spend the day / afternoon with their dad.

Start thinking of yourself first so the children learn to value themselves.

Luxell934 · 19/11/2023 13:56

How old are your children?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/11/2023 14:11

I wouldn't have ex over, and I wouldn't be doing the wifework to make sure the kids experience with him at Christmas is a good one either, he's an ex for a reason.

I wouldn't stop the kids going and seeing him if they want to go see him, but it's his responsibility to make Christmas special at his house and if he doesn't then I'm afraid I'd just let him drop the ball on that one.

I would then have new partner over or go see him Christmas day, and then have a second Christmas on boxing day with the kids and make it a special one, all the trimmings, music etc.

AtomicPumpkin · 19/11/2023 14:22

Tell the kids their dad doesn't come to your house any more, but they can go to his house if he's offering to have them.

Luckydog7 · 19/11/2023 14:34

I really think you should be more honest with the kids about why you don't want to be around their father. You don't need to slag him off and I would only tell them in a serious single conversation (so no casual or off hand slights that might make the kids resent you) but you are perfectly within your rights (and indeed have a responsibility) to tell your children that their father was not kind to you during your marriage and spending Christmas with him will make you very unhappy/uncomfortable and would remind you of all the bad.

You can make them aware that you have your own feelings about him that is separate from theirs.

I would make Christmas their choice, saying there is no pressure to have it with you if they want to spend time with their father.

Why is he not paying child support? Is he dodging it? Do the children know about this?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2023 14:42

@namechanger4097

Not much to add to PP's advice. It's time for you to let your DC know that there will be no more 'happy families' Xmases with Dad at your place. If they want to see Dad on Xmas you are happy for them to do so but they'll need to see Dad at his place. They obviously haven't 'gotten' the fact that they now have two 'separate' families (you and them, Dad and them) not one.

But don't just say 'You will have Xmas morning here and go to Dad's in the afternoon'. Let them set their own schedule and you work around it, as much as is practical. If they want to start spending every other Xmas morning with their dad, so be it. I think it'll make it easier for them to accept the 'no more happy families Xmas' if they are given the 'power' to arrange how their time is spent themselves.

As far as your bf, he'll need to be flexible if he wants to have a relationship with a woman with children. But the thing is, there is no certainty that your boys will ever accept him and having him around when they don't want him there isn't helping. I think you and he need to take a few steps back and keep your relationship out of the house when the boys are there. Once you get the boys used to the new dynamic of 'Dad is not a part of our life, but he is part of yours' with your boys, maybe then try to 're-introduce' your bf in small steps.

FWIW, I know a couple (both divorced with DC) who tried to make it work for at least 5 years, but none of their children would have anything to do with the other person. They finally gave up the ghost and called it quits.

Silvers11 · 19/11/2023 14:44

@namechanger4097 I agree with other PPs here. Do not allow the kids to dictate to you that you have to have your ex over for Christmas Day

If it were me, I would firstly tell them that your ex coming over for Christmas Dinner is not an option this year and won't be again. Tell them that it was very uncomfortable for you last year and that you didn't enjoy it because it made you sad, so it's not an option

Then tell them the options which are available and ask what they would prefer:

  1. They spend Christmas morning with you opening presents, maybe have a nice breakfast if you normally do that on Christmas Morning and then late morning they can go to their Dad's for their Christmas Dinner and spend the rest of the day there ( If he is willing to do that). I presume they can't stay overnight with him, since the flat is very small?
  2. They spend the day with you and see their Dad on Boxing Day instead
  3. Same as in either the first option or second options, but you would like to invite your friend over.

They are teenagers and teenagers can be unhappy about either of their parents moving on with their lives. But that is another reason for not having your ex over on Christmas Day. They may feel that there is still hope that the 2 of you will get back together, especially as they seem to think he's great. You cannot 'protect' them from discovering their Dad isn't as great as they think

caringcarer · 19/11/2023 14:45

PonyPatter44 · 19/11/2023 13:35

I agree with 2dogs. Have your Christmas with the kids in the morning, they go to dad's in the afternoon and new man comes to you. That seems like a decent compromise for everyone.

This seems a good option.

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