To ask you - total strangers - what to do at Christmas

[namechanger4097]

I have two teenage kids who want to spend some time with their dad (exh) on Christmas Day. He doesn’t do presents, planning, kindness and is a mostly functioning but often low level unpleasant alcoholic. He lives in a small flat with limited kitchen facilities, it’s not at all homely. One thing - He can cook a good roast dinner, I am no chef!) The kids think he’s pretty good - this is a mystery to me as he doesn’t pay child support and goes missing and has never been to a school thing/parents evening and is largely absentee but I am always nice about him as much as I can be and I think because when they go to his they get unlimited sweets, free run of whatever they want to do and 10 hours of roblox a day.

I am not great with Christmas. My parents and siblings live the other side of the country and I don’t want to go to theirs. Me and kids did go to theirs a couple of years ago and the passive aggression and politics put me off for life.

last year I invited exh around for kids sake and I thought oh he can cook dinner 🙈 it was so annoying in reality watching him in the kitchen I paid for and paid again for when I divorced him and which we built whilst he was having a string of infidelities. I can’t face that again. But the kids just want him here and are begging me to invite him around and saying he’ll be lonely.

I have met a nice man and have taken it slowly for a couple of years. I’d like to see him on Christmas Day too. He’s around and flexible and in an ideal world I’d have him here but the kids are pretty rude to him as they just want their dad and are pushing back on his growing presence in house (I’m talking a few hours when they’re here every couple of weeks).

I can’t hide under the duvet all day can I? I think of a friend asked me I’d say “what do you want?”. But the sad thing is I don’t really know what I want other than for Christmas to go last as quickly as it can before my fake grin slides. How can I divide up the day to make it bearable? I really don’t want to let my kids down nor have exh cooking in our home nor upset new fella by not seeing him. How do other separated parents divide the day? I can’t see the wood for the trees here for myself.

Oh op stop trying to please everyone, easier said than done I know.

I don't know any divorced parents who spend Christmas day together, as everyone has said split it. You do lunch they go his for tea or vice versa.

Totally understand protecting them from the reality of his behaviour and that is the right thing to do. He's your ex, leave the bad memories behind you and just leave it to drop offs and collections now.

I have never been through a relationship breakdown but I fundamentally disagree with the idea that an ex partner would be welcome in the children and resident parents home because “it’s the DCs home too”.

It is not their home in that sense. It’s an uncomfortable blurring of boundaries and sets unfair expectations to the children. I’m sure it’s very sad when DCs have to come to terms with having parents in separate households, but that does not give them the right to have their father being present in OPs home. It was lovely of her to offer this but having read many threads of this nature, I’ve found it pretty universally advised against as a practice. It just makes things very complicated once the parents involved move on, on top of everything else.

Now the OP is in a position of being made to feel that the kids will blame her new partner for the fact their dad isn’t welcome on Christmas Day, when the fact is OP had every right to refuse such a request from the outset, new partner or not.

Not this!

Have them Xmas even and Xmas morning, do presents etc. then let them go to their Dad's. You can then spend the day with your partner doing whatever you want.

I agree, have the morning at yours with the DC, then send them over to their Dad. Make it clear to him and them that he will be providing Xmas lunch/dinner if that's what you want. He can take them to a restaurant or pub to eat if he can't cook in his flat, that's for him to organise.
You don't need to spell out that you will be with your boyfriend, because they'll find some way to fuck that up, you can say you are going out with friends. Then go over to your bf's place; if you stay at yours with him, you can bet there will be reason for the DC or Ex to come back and find him there and cause a scene.You can offer to pick them up on Boxing Day - even if Ex has a small flat, presumably they can kip on the sofa/floor.

Absolutely not! It's not OPs job to provide a homely place for her ex to cater. He has his own home, it may not be as nice but it's not for OP to fill the gaps and pick up his slack.

My DHs ex was violent towards him, cheated on him and generally treated him like crap. Despite this he's never badmouthed her to the kids. She was a lousy partner but she's still their mum. She did badmouth him to the kids and it even caused him not seeing the oldest for weeks and months at a time. He would answer any questions from DSS honestly but still avoided slagging her off in anyway.

DSS is now 16 and has recently had his eyes opened to what his mum is really like and has asked to move in with us permanently. He formed his opinion on his own based on witnessing his mum's behaviour for himself. He actually apologized to DH recently and to me for how he sometimes treated us based on lies his mum told him. Of course we told him it wasn't his fault.

Kids aren't daft. The novelty of late nights and sweets for dinner only lasts so long. They soon realise who was really there for them. It's tough but bode your time, keep being a great mum but don't cover for your ex. Don't slag him off either but give the kids a chance to form their own opinions.

I’d do a lovely meal for the DC on Xmas Eve followed by a walk around the Christmas lights and a posh hot chocolate. Then Xmas morning with presents and breakfast. Then they can go to their dads. On no account have your ex to your house.

Spend the afternoon and evening with your new man.

I do get that you don't want to see your ex in your home using your kitchen etc. However I also think that it is your children's home too and if they want their Dad over why shouldn't they.

It may be their home, but until they pay the rent/mortgage/bills they don't get to dictate any of that to the person who does and who's home it also is.

The parent gets decision making rights here, not the kids - if they want to see their dad then they can go to his home

You know him best OP, bit I wouldn't want my kids spending the latter part of Xmas day, evening and overnight alone with an alcoholic parent. It's an emotive time, they can be unpredictable (not to say a danger, but you probably know what I mean!) and I'd want to keep an eye on things for the kids sake. So any plan I made would need to involve them being with him for part of the say but coming home to me. Personally I'd go with pp suggestion of letting him cook at yours while you're out then you going back home.