To ask you - total strangers - what to do at Christmas

[namechanger4097]

I have two teenage kids who want to spend some time with their dad (exh) on Christmas Day. He doesn’t do presents, planning, kindness and is a mostly functioning but often low level unpleasant alcoholic. He lives in a small flat with limited kitchen facilities, it’s not at all homely. One thing - He can cook a good roast dinner, I am no chef!) The kids think he’s pretty good - this is a mystery to me as he doesn’t pay child support and goes missing and has never been to a school thing/parents evening and is largely absentee but I am always nice about him as much as I can be and I think because when they go to his they get unlimited sweets, free run of whatever they want to do and 10 hours of roblox a day.

I am not great with Christmas. My parents and siblings live the other side of the country and I don’t want to go to theirs. Me and kids did go to theirs a couple of years ago and the passive aggression and politics put me off for life.

last year I invited exh around for kids sake and I thought oh he can cook dinner 🙈 it was so annoying in reality watching him in the kitchen I paid for and paid again for when I divorced him and which we built whilst he was having a string of infidelities. I can’t face that again. But the kids just want him here and are begging me to invite him around and saying he’ll be lonely.

I have met a nice man and have taken it slowly for a couple of years. I’d like to see him on Christmas Day too. He’s around and flexible and in an ideal world I’d have him here but the kids are pretty rude to him as they just want their dad and are pushing back on his growing presence in house (I’m talking a few hours when they’re here every couple of weeks).

I can’t hide under the duvet all day can I? I think of a friend asked me I’d say “what do you want?”. But the sad thing is I don’t really know what I want other than for Christmas to go last as quickly as it can before my fake grin slides. How can I divide up the day to make it bearable? I really don’t want to let my kids down nor have exh cooking in our home nor upset new fella by not seeing him. How do other separated parents divide the day? I can’t see the wood for the trees here for myself.

This! Your kids have to adjust to the fact you are not with their dad

I would let the kids go to their dads xmas eve and return boxing day

they will get a flavour of what he is like

then you spend time with your partner and do Christmas with the kids boxing day. Then swap next year

I agree

Stop covering for him

Allow them to see him as he is

Definitely don't invite exH to yours. Let the kids go to see him at his place at some point in the day, and you can see your new man at this time too. Cook an M&S roast if your exH's part of the day won't involve a Christmas lunch.

My son is 4. So far he's woken up with one parent and gone to the other after lunch. This time it's his dad's turn to have the morning and, although I'll hate it, I've said he should keep him til boxing day. I think he'd rather stay and play with his new toys!
It'll be worth it when it's my turn next year.

Do not do this.

Send your kids to their dad at midday and have your boyfriend round for takeaway/cheese on toast/whatever you want to eat for dinner and have a chilled one. Don't have XH in your house. If the kids have a boring one that's on them really and they may change their minds for next year, or they may have a great time. Win win either way.

I do get that you don't want to see your ex in your home using your kitchen etc. However I also think that it is your children's home too and if they want their Dad over why shouldn't they.

I would have Christmas morning and presents you and the kids. Then go off to your fellas for a happy twosome Xmas lunch, micro meal, booze, cuddles or whatever you want. Your ex comes over and cooks for your kids. That way you aren't there when he is in your house and are actually enjoying time with your fella.

Best finish would be you go home to ex's leftover cooking etc for you to enjoy in evening with your kids and ex goes off home.

Yes he doesn't sound like a nice man but he is their Dad be the bigger person and let him come on those terms.

Send them to their dads for Christmas dinner at his and they can come back for the evening or Boxing Day and when they’re out see your boyfriend. I wouldn’t have exh in your house it’s not really appropriate given the history. Then everyone gets a slice of what they want with minimal cross over for any upset or tension.

Thank you all. I appreciate the thought and help so much. I am sitting here feeling a bit daft for covering for him so many years. DC didn’t know about the infidelity or the cruelty or the financial shit show he brought to our door. Ditto my family and his because I wanted to protect the kids from the drama. I think I over corrected. Last week when I collected the kids from him after working a long day I was tired and irritable and one child was laughing at me. Later they told me it was because dad was making faces behind my back. I said that was a horrible thing to do and they were furiously defensive of him. I am going to struggle to calmly present a new day structure and say why I don’t want him here. But I know I have to do it.

I think this is what I needed to hear today.

At some point, you might have to say to your children: I protected you from knowing anything about my divorce but believe me you would've divorce someone for a lot less than that.

Why on earth should OP leave her home so her EX can be in her home to cook for their children? The children don't want their dad 'in her home' for the sake of her nicer kitchen, they want him in her home because it reinforces to them that he 'belongs' there. He doesn't. That they're one big happy family. They aren't.

If they want Dad to cook their Xmas meal, they need to understand that he has a home of his own to cook it in. These are not small children with no understanding of what a divorce means. They are teens who know what it means.

And if you read OP's update (after your post) you'll see that her ExH treats her disrespectfully and encourages their children to laugh when he does. And you think she needs to validate this behaviour by allowing him in her home? No way.

Put the kids first while they are kids: do what they ask.

morning with you afternoon with him.

he sounds awful and I wouldn’t let him over the door of my home.

do not play happy families and as you yourself have said maybe they need some element of truth as they don’t sound especially young eg under 5

I think you may be overthinking it with presenting the new structure. You understand the implications, they probably don’t.

Just say you know how much they love going to their dad’s, ‘cos he’s such a great cook- breakfast and presents here, then off to dad’s for dinner.

If they suggest you go to- oh no you’ll have much more fun without me. If they want him to come to yours- oh no, it’s much easier for dad to organise himself at his house. You could even plan something they won’t like- I’m really looking forward to the King’s Speech this year. I don’t usually get to watch it at the right time and it’s so traditional. Or watch an opera, or a musical… something that they won’t like!

And you don’t need to tell them he’s awful. They’ll work that out on their own pretty soon.

Morning and roast with children, afternoon and evening they can be with their father and you can see your chap.

Christmas morning is for presents and proper food and excitement, then evening they can unwind, play with their gifts and watch a film.

Offer Christmas lunch to your ex at his place. Even with a limited kitchen he can probably pull it off with planning.

eve and morning at yours just you and the children

do not impose your boyfriend on them at Christmas. While you may feel you are going slow, it clearly feels too fast to them.

He treats you badly (both in the past and now), you’re totally justified and reasonable not wanting him in your house or to spend Christmas with him.

Honestly I’d sit down with your DC and have an honest conversation that their dad really hurt you and caused a lot of problems for you (I wouldn’t go into further details). That you’re happy they have a good relationship with him but now you’re divorced you no longer want to have him over for Christmas. Explain that you’re very happy to facilitate them seeing him on Christmas Day and ask whether they’d prefer to go in the morning or afternoon/evening.

If they want you to arrange it then I’d suggest you do presents and a nice breakfast in the morning and then a fairly early lunch (if cooking isn’t your strong point then M&S, Cook, most supermarkets will do a prepared version that you can just put in the oven). Then they go to his mid afternoon and you spend a few hours with your new partner before collecting them later in the evening (if they can’t stay over).
It sounds like he might struggle to organize/not have the facilities to cook Christmas lunch in his own flat so this avoids them missing out if he doesn’t bother to sort it out (at some point they’re going to see what he’s really like, but you might want to avoid that happening on Christmas Day). It also allows him to get over any hangover (and associated grumpiness) if he’s been drinking the night before, and if you think his drinking/behaviour is likely to be worse in the evening then maybe collect them a bit sooner.

@namechanger4097 there is a fine balance between not slagging off your exh and hiding his (many) faults which were responsible for the separation. teens should be old enough to understand that you are upset by your ex's presence. they also need firm boundaries in regards to your personal life - you are fully entitled to move on in life. the more you give in to them throwing their toys out of the pram, the more entrenched their unreasonableness will become. they probably think that eventually you will go back to dad somehow, so probably best to sit down and make it absolutely clear what the situation is and establish that you are also entitled to a personal life.

I think you're right to wonder what you'd advise a friend OP. I always tell my DDs to imagine what they'd tell a friend they love who's in the same situation, because that will be the right thing to do for themselves.
Don't allow this to become the accepted routine that ExH comes into your home. He's already caused you enough pain. Time to put your foot down.

What thereal says, they are teens they can understand how one person can think someone is fantastic and another person can despise them. I am not saying say you despise him but that relationships break down and you are looking forward to the future. The future involves him not being in your house. I would put forward having the morning with them and then off to their Dad's. Do not help him in any way in terms of prep for Christmas.

worrying about your new fella being upset about not spending Christmas Day with you is setting off an alarm for me.

A grown man should be able to understand that your priorities are going to be your dc.

Honestly, shoe horning him into your lives at all doesn’t sound like a good idea. It’s your dc’s home and for now it might be better to keep him to yourself.

But it sounds like the pressure might be coming from his side … and if that’s the case, you could be repeating your mistakes.

It’s very rare for exes to spend Christmas together.

As PPs have said, discuss with ex about them coming over for the second half of Christmas Day.

You can do all the fun present giving and he can do the roast at his.

You can then go to your boyfriends after they’ve gone to their dads.