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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

worried about announcing pregnancy

72 replies

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 12:13

i’m nearly 16 weeks and so far haven’t told anyone other than parents and mine and dh’s siblings about this pregnancy. main reason is my cousin just lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks and i’m so scared i upset her. i have been keeping it quiet for that reason however my worry is i have a proper bump going on already as it’s my 4th pregnancy and am going to see all of my wider family at a christmas party in less than 2 weeks. my cousin is going to be there and i don’t want her to find out there in person as i think it’s putting her on the spot and i feel like she’ll think everyone is looking for her reaction (i know i’m probably thinking too deep into this but i had a miscarriage a few years ago and my other cousin didn’t know, she announced her pregnancy the day before i was booked in for d&c and i just wanted the ground to swallow me because it felt like everyone who knew was just staring at me).

i feel like i’ve worded this horribly but basically would it be better just to announce now (as in pop it in our big family group chat) and get it over with or just wait til the family party at which point i’m sure everyone will guess. pulling her aside to tell her before isn’t really an option as she has said she doesn’t want to speak about her loss at all so i don’t really feel comfortable singling her out. what would you do in my shoes please?

also i know there will be people who say why do you need to announce etc etc but this is family who i see a fair amount of and would actually like to be able to talk about and enjoy my pregnancy as this will be my last one.

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 19/11/2023 12:17

I'd personally either call or text her personally beforehand., depending how close you are. Let her know that you won't be rubbing her face in it and will totally understand if she wants to avoid you at the party. Her loss is really sad but it shouldn't effect your happiness.

justanotherlaura · 19/11/2023 12:18

Definitely not at the Xmas party, in person would be horrific for her. I'd send a group message now and give plenty time to preocess before seeing you in person

When I was last pregnant my brother and SIL had had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic. I sent a message to our family group chat, no pictures, just a simple baby x due x date

They sent a message a couple of hours later congratulating us but it meant they had time to process it in their own way

I'm pregnant again and they're still trying, I'm dreading telling them again but will do it in the same way

Original poster
bimbombim · 19/11/2023 12:28

@Ohdearwhatnow4 i don’t feel like that’s an option as she doesn’t want to acknowledge what happened so i feel like i’d be forcing her in the spotlight to talk about it to me

OP posts:
Original poster
bimbombim · 19/11/2023 12:28

@justanotherlaura yeah i think it might be the best option. it’s so hard isn’t it cause you want to enjoy your own but you know it’s going to make someone you care about feel shit :/

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 19/11/2023 12:29

Call or text her privately to tell her.
Don’t tell her via group chat or at Christmas party. Let her have time to process privately

Sofaz34 · 19/11/2023 12:52

I would tell everyone seperatly rather than a group chat, maybe in a week so hopefully it's less near tot he event. Send a special message to her first and say she doesn't need to reply as tou know she might need to proccess it but you wanted to let her know. Also mentioned you have told the rest of the family privately so she knows they will know at the event.

Concannon88 · 19/11/2023 12:56

Do not put it on the group chat, that is basically the same as her finding out in a big group in person. Message her and say you need to tell her something and you are aware that it might be hurtful.

cookielove · 19/11/2023 13:09

I would text her, and soon so it gives her time to get her head around the news. The reason I would text over calling would be so that she can react to the news in private and not have to think how she is reacting iyswim.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
bimbombim · 19/11/2023 13:21

thanks everyone but as i say i don’t think telling her separately is the option here

OP posts:
myotherkidisacassowary · 19/11/2023 13:23

I would tell her and anyone else who will be there in advance by way of individual text messages. That way she gets to deal with the announcement on her own terms and in her own way, without seeing congratulations messages from others in a group chat. It also means your other family members can offer you congrats and well wishes without feeling awkward.

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 13:28

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 13:21

thanks everyone but as i say i don’t think telling her separately is the option here

It is a better option than the other two. Why can you not text her separately? I'm sure some mumsnetters can help with the wording.

You could start with "I know this might be difficult for you, so I wanted to let you know..." or something similar.

wokbun · 19/11/2023 13:30

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 13:28

It is a better option than the other two. Why can you not text her separately? I'm sure some mumsnetters can help with the wording.

You could start with "I know this might be difficult for you, so I wanted to let you know..." or something similar.

Show quote history

Don't do that.

Message and keep it factual - just wanted to let you know we are expecting a baby next march (or whenever)

Plumful · 19/11/2023 13:31

Do not call!!! Text or WhatsApp. That way they don’t have to react in front of you.

cadburyegg · 19/11/2023 13:32

I would message her separately asap, then after she's had a few days to process put it in the group chat.

Blueroses99 · 19/11/2023 13:32

I had this dilemma with a cousin. I sent a text saying ‘I wanted you to know before everyone else. No need to reply’ then announced it on the family group a day or two later. I then lost my pregnancy at 21w and appreciated any family member that took the same approach. A phone call would not be appropriate (it’s putting her on the spot) but I don’t really understand why you can’t message her separately- you don’t have to mention her loss or explain why you are letting her know, it’s pretty obvious. If you really can’t message her separately, then putting on the group message is much kinder than announcing in person.

TheresaCrowd · 19/11/2023 13:35

If you really don't want to message her separately, then you'll need to pop it in the group chat.

It's an awkward situation for her and not one that you can really make better, but letting her know before the Xmas meet up is the right thing to do.

SuperSange · 19/11/2023 13:36

Don't do it in person, whatever you do. A separate message to her, then message the group a few days later. I'm not sure why you're against a separate message.

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 13:59

Don't send her a separate message if she doesn't like being single out.

I lost pregnancies and I used to dread the separate messages saying "just letting you know privately before I tell everyone else..." not because it made me sad about not being pregnancy but because it made me feel like a fucking freak who people thought needed special handling.

The separate text messages made it more awkward, not less and I did not appreciate a single one of them. I resented the fuck out of them for patronising me like that.

Your cousin is an adult and capable of managing her emotions, she doesn't need to be made to feel like a special case and - from your posts - doesn't want to be.

Put it in the group chat (sensitively) and leave her to process it all in her own time.

TwigletAddict10 · 19/11/2023 14:10

I agree with @iam4eels, it feels shit either way so if your instincts say not to do the individual message then the group chat is the way to go.

I'm afraid you can't win in this situation. I hated being on the receiving end of the sympathetic, head tilt, 'just wanted to let you know' chat and text but it's also shit being surprised in the room and having to put on your happy face there and then.

I would just avoid sharing the scan photo when you announce on the group chat. It can be a gut punch seeing it when you don't expect to.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 19/11/2023 14:11

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 13:59

Don't send her a separate message if she doesn't like being single out.

I lost pregnancies and I used to dread the separate messages saying "just letting you know privately before I tell everyone else..." not because it made me sad about not being pregnancy but because it made me feel like a fucking freak who people thought needed special handling.

The separate text messages made it more awkward, not less and I did not appreciate a single one of them. I resented the fuck out of them for patronising me like that.

Your cousin is an adult and capable of managing her emotions, she doesn't need to be made to feel like a special case and - from your posts - doesn't want to be.

Put it in the group chat (sensitively) and leave her to process it all in her own time.

I was just about to say the same.

Most of the suggestions re wording are ridiculously patronising and to me seem more about the sender wanting to feel good about themselves than about the feelings of the recipient.

OP - you can either send individual messages to everyone but only if that would be a normal thing to do in your family or send a message to the group chat.

And before anyone starts saying until you've experienced it etc. I had a TFMR at 22 weeks so yes, I have been there and that's how I felt. It sounds like the cousin is similar.

Bendysnap · 19/11/2023 14:14

Don’t wait for the party. Don’t call. (In both cases I’ve cried having been “the cousin”)

Either quick factual message on family group chat or the same individually : but perhaps it could be made to look like a generic message not a special one.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 19/11/2023 14:15

Do you actually have to tell her yourself? In our family the news just "trickles down" via other family members.

(I've been in your cousin's position and yes it was hard but I didn't begrudge my relative her happy news)

Mrsttcno1 · 19/11/2023 14:15

I’m currently pregnant and had essentially the same scenario with a woman I work with. She had a miscarriage earlier this year and I then fell pregnant, I waited until I’d had my NHS scan at 13 weeks and then we were “ready” to tell wider friends and family as prior to that it was a very small circle of people who knew. I have this person on Facebook so didn’t want her to find out that way, and didn’t want her to find out in person in the office either as the last thing I wanted was for her to feel put on the spot.

I just sent her a text on the Friday afternoon (neither of us were in the office that day), just to let her know I’m pregnant and that I wanted to let her know before it became common knowledge in the office/online, and that I didn’t expect a reply to the message either way. I was worried but she really appreciated the fact I’d let her know that way, it gave her basically 3 days before she actually had to see me in person and it meant she has time to sit with it for a bit.

The reality is, women who’ve had a miscarriage don’t HATE women who have had or are currently having a healthy pregnancy. The majority of women who miscarry then go on to have healthy babies. You just need to drop her a quick message, let her know, and let her sit with it before you see her. X

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 14:41

and to me seem more about the sender wanting to feel good about themselves than about the feelings of the recipient.

I completely disagree. This sounds like it comes from someone quite bitter.

All I am getting from this thread is how to sensitively tell someone who has had a recent loss that you are pregnant. Clearly, some people will feel patronized or hurt no matter how you approach it.

TravellingT · 19/11/2023 14:44

"Hi Jane, we have some big news and wanted to share it with you first, so you can process it in your own time. We're pregnant, 16 weeks along and all is okay. Please don't feel you have to reply or react, we just wanted you to know as we'll be telling everyone at X event. If you need to talk, you know where I am. Thinking of you x"

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