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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

worried about announcing pregnancy

72 replies

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 12:13

i’m nearly 16 weeks and so far haven’t told anyone other than parents and mine and dh’s siblings about this pregnancy. main reason is my cousin just lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks and i’m so scared i upset her. i have been keeping it quiet for that reason however my worry is i have a proper bump going on already as it’s my 4th pregnancy and am going to see all of my wider family at a christmas party in less than 2 weeks. my cousin is going to be there and i don’t want her to find out there in person as i think it’s putting her on the spot and i feel like she’ll think everyone is looking for her reaction (i know i’m probably thinking too deep into this but i had a miscarriage a few years ago and my other cousin didn’t know, she announced her pregnancy the day before i was booked in for d&c and i just wanted the ground to swallow me because it felt like everyone who knew was just staring at me).

i feel like i’ve worded this horribly but basically would it be better just to announce now (as in pop it in our big family group chat) and get it over with or just wait til the family party at which point i’m sure everyone will guess. pulling her aside to tell her before isn’t really an option as she has said she doesn’t want to speak about her loss at all so i don’t really feel comfortable singling her out. what would you do in my shoes please?

also i know there will be people who say why do you need to announce etc etc but this is family who i see a fair amount of and would actually like to be able to talk about and enjoy my pregnancy as this will be my last one.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 14:49

Please do not say "we are pregnant"

OchonAgusOchonOh · 19/11/2023 14:52

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 14:41

and to me seem more about the sender wanting to feel good about themselves than about the feelings of the recipient.

I completely disagree. This sounds like it comes from someone quite bitter.

All I am getting from this thread is how to sensitively tell someone who has had a recent loss that you are pregnant. Clearly, some people will feel patronized or hurt no matter how you approach it.

So because I, who has been in a similar situation position to the cousin, disagrees with you, I must be bitter?

The cousin has made it quite clear she does not want to discuss her loss. The op is respecting this but yet many posters are telling her to ignore the cousin's wishes. How can that be perceived as anything other than being about the sender and not the recipient?

TheresaCrowd · 19/11/2023 14:55

TravellingT · 19/11/2023 14:44

"Hi Jane, we have some big news and wanted to share it with you first, so you can process it in your own time. We're pregnant, 16 weeks along and all is okay. Please don't feel you have to reply or react, we just wanted you to know as we'll be telling everyone at X event. If you need to talk, you know where I am. Thinking of you x"

'We' are not pregnant, the OP is pregnant.

Original poster

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 14:56

Blueroses99 · 19/11/2023 13:32

I had this dilemma with a cousin. I sent a text saying ‘I wanted you to know before everyone else. No need to reply’ then announced it on the family group a day or two later. I then lost my pregnancy at 21w and appreciated any family member that took the same approach. A phone call would not be appropriate (it’s putting her on the spot) but I don’t really understand why you can’t message her separately- you don’t have to mention her loss or explain why you are letting her know, it’s pretty obvious. If you really can’t message her separately, then putting on the group message is much kinder than announcing in person.

i think that’s why i’m worried though is it’s obvious why i’d be messaging her separately and she’s asked us to not talk about it/not acknowledge it as it only happened a month ago so she doesn’t feel ready to deal with it yet. so by messaging her separately i just feel like i’m just pouring salt in an already fresh wound AND ignoring her request to not acknowledge it right now

OP posts:

Original poster

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 14:57

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 13:59

Don't send her a separate message if she doesn't like being single out.

I lost pregnancies and I used to dread the separate messages saying "just letting you know privately before I tell everyone else..." not because it made me sad about not being pregnancy but because it made me feel like a fucking freak who people thought needed special handling.

The separate text messages made it more awkward, not less and I did not appreciate a single one of them. I resented the fuck out of them for patronising me like that.

Your cousin is an adult and capable of managing her emotions, she doesn't need to be made to feel like a special case and - from your posts - doesn't want to be.

Put it in the group chat (sensitively) and leave her to process it all in her own time.

exactly this it feels patronising and she’s a lovely person who i know would feel obligated to reply something nice and i feel like i’m then putting her on the spot when she could otherwise just pretend she hasn’t seen the message on the group chat or something

OP posts:

RisingSunn · 19/11/2023 14:58

What I did when I was in a slightly similar situation was to send a group text message (not WhatsApp group) so it arrived individually but not personalised - if that makes sense.

So there was no pressure for anyone to respond straight away. For example. “Hey Family…pleased to let you know that etc etc”

Hibiscrubbed · 19/11/2023 14:59

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 13:21

thanks everyone but as i say i don’t think telling her separately is the option here

I really don’t understand why. It is widely said on here by women who’ve been in your counsin’s position that it’s the best way.

TheresaCrowd · 19/11/2023 15:00

Hibiscrubbed · 19/11/2023 14:59

I really don’t understand why. It is widely said on here by women who’ve been in your counsin’s position that it’s the best way.

Show quote history

But not all women are the same and the OP's given her reasons.

She knows her cousin, we don't.

wowsers6 · 19/11/2023 15:00

I say do it in advance in a group chat. Give her a chance to cry about it in advance but also not have to say much about it as it's a group chat.

If you do it in a one to one message then she might feel obliged to give a longer response than just congratulations, whereas in a group chat where everybody is responding she can just say congratulations and then have her feelings in private, where she wants them.

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 15:38

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 14:57

Show quote history

You know her better than any of us.

Personally I'd keep it simple and post on the group chat "just to let you all know, I'm pregnant. Baby due whatever date". Don't mention her by name or reference her loss or any of that and instead go for one message posted to everyone at the same time.

You're allowed to be happy and you're allowed to tell people, you've said your cousin is a nice person and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel awkward about it. The sensitive thing here is to respect her wishes that she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want people drawing attention to it so a group approach would work best.

NoKnit · 19/11/2023 15:41

I think you are being very considerate waiting this long and I think your cousin will appreciate this.

I had a miscarriage and about 4 weeks later my SIL announced on a group chat that she was 8 weeks pregnant. There was absolutely no need for me to know that early she could have waited (if she had I actually got pregnant again pretty soon abd would have saved me lots of heartache)

Personally I would text her saying you wanted a chat when is a good time to call. Then call and tell her. That way you know she won't be reading a message she doesn't want to necessarily see at work or on the bus or some other inappropriate time.

ExtraOnions · 19/11/2023 15:41

Can you not talk to your aunty / uncle … her DPs might be well placed to advise

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 15:45

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 13:21

thanks everyone but as i say i don’t think telling her separately is the option here

Why? If you text her and let her know there's no need to reply unless she wants to then you're not asking her to discuss it with you.

You asked for advice - what do you think the better alternative is?

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 15:48

I agree don't send scan picture. You can always send it privately to anyone who asks, if you like

Blueroses99 · 19/11/2023 15:53

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 14:56

Show quote history

You’re not acknowledging her loss though, you are giving her your own news. It’s clear you’re not comfortable with this though, so group text or family cascade.

Womencanlift · 19/11/2023 15:53

I have been in your cousins position and like a pp said getting a “just wanted to tell you privately” message is worse than a public announcement as it can come across very patronising, even though that is not the intention

I would message now on the group chat and then she has 2 weeks to manage her own thoughts about it before seeing you and the other family members

At the end of the day as sad as a loss is, those of us that have experienced it do realise that life goes on for others and that will involve other people having pregnancy and birth announcements and we just have to manage our own emotions around it

burnoutbabe · 19/11/2023 16:00

i would tell your aunt/uncle by text - thats a normal thing to do? Just a headsup that you'll be at the party and will be obviously pregnant "but don't want to make a big fuss about it" (which could be for many reasons, including shyness as well as respecting cousins feelings)

They can tell the cousin themselves, privately.

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 16:01

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 15:45

Why? If you text her and let her know there's no need to reply unless she wants to then you're not asking her to discuss it with you.

You asked for advice - what do you think the better alternative is?

Show quote history

OP has said her cousin dislikes being singled out and doesn't want to discuss the loss or publicly acknowledge it. Sending her an individual "just to let you know" text message would run contrary to the cousin's indicated wishes.

I've been in that position and I wholeheartedly understand, I found those types of messages to be condescending and they hurt in a way that pregnancy announcements didn't. Not everyone wants people to be "considerate" of their losses because very often that consideration draws more attention to it. Some people just want to carry on as normally as possible and to try put it behind them as quickly as possible without every well-meaning pregnant woman sending them special text messages every time they conceive.

Given the cousin's preferences, a general messages in the group chat would be the best approach. Everyone finds out that the same time, no one is singled out, and the cousin can process it privately. There is not the same perceived pressure to instantly respond like there is with an individual message (and saying "please don't feel you need to reply" is the patronising cherry on that particular shit cake).

Clarinet1 · 19/11/2023 16:03

The only other thing I can suggest is - would the cousin take it better from anyone else eg her parents? Her DP (although appreciate the loss will have been hard for him too).

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 16:22

@Iam4eels if OP messages everyone individually then the cousin hasn't been singled out.

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 16:23

Plus the cousin is spared watching everyone gush about OP's pregnancy but people can still gush at OP directly

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 16:27

With individual messages you then get everyone messaging each other to ask "have you heard...?". There will be buzz about it regardless, one message to everyone in the group chat keeps it contained in one place.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2023 16:37

First off, I'm old enough that big pregnancy 'announcements' weren't really a thing and there was no SM nor mobile phone 'groups'. You told your parents and siblings and the info sort of 'trickled out' to the wider family, usually starting with your parents letting your aunts & uncles know. Within a short space, everyone knew.

I think I'd be tempted to do that if I were you. No need to make a big announcement anywhere. Just let the information 'trickle out' and it will get to your cousin's parents and they can let her know in the way they feel is best.

oakleaffy · 19/11/2023 16:44

TwigletAddict10 · 19/11/2023 14:10

I agree with @iam4eels, it feels shit either way so if your instincts say not to do the individual message then the group chat is the way to go.

I'm afraid you can't win in this situation. I hated being on the receiving end of the sympathetic, head tilt, 'just wanted to let you know' chat and text but it's also shit being surprised in the room and having to put on your happy face there and then.

I would just avoid sharing the scan photo when you announce on the group chat. It can be a gut punch seeing it when you don't expect to.

This definitely seems a good option.
I understand totally the sympathetic head tilts- Very annoying.

oakleaffy · 19/11/2023 16:51

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 14:49

Please do not say "we are pregnant"

That is insufferably naff.
The cousin probably doesn’t want or need kid glove treatment.

Miscarriages are more common these days as women for many reasons leave it til later to have babies.

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