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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

worried about announcing pregnancy

72 replies

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 12:13

i’m nearly 16 weeks and so far haven’t told anyone other than parents and mine and dh’s siblings about this pregnancy. main reason is my cousin just lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks and i’m so scared i upset her. i have been keeping it quiet for that reason however my worry is i have a proper bump going on already as it’s my 4th pregnancy and am going to see all of my wider family at a christmas party in less than 2 weeks. my cousin is going to be there and i don’t want her to find out there in person as i think it’s putting her on the spot and i feel like she’ll think everyone is looking for her reaction (i know i’m probably thinking too deep into this but i had a miscarriage a few years ago and my other cousin didn’t know, she announced her pregnancy the day before i was booked in for d&c and i just wanted the ground to swallow me because it felt like everyone who knew was just staring at me).

i feel like i’ve worded this horribly but basically would it be better just to announce now (as in pop it in our big family group chat) and get it over with or just wait til the family party at which point i’m sure everyone will guess. pulling her aside to tell her before isn’t really an option as she has said she doesn’t want to speak about her loss at all so i don’t really feel comfortable singling her out. what would you do in my shoes please?

also i know there will be people who say why do you need to announce etc etc but this is family who i see a fair amount of and would actually like to be able to talk about and enjoy my pregnancy as this will be my last one.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 16:57

Iam4eels · 19/11/2023 16:27

With individual messages you then get everyone messaging each other to ask "have you heard...?". There will be buzz about it regardless, one message to everyone in the group chat keeps it contained in one place.

That's not behaviour I recognise from families I know but if that's a concern one way of addressing it would be "we're lettint all the family know this week. Looking forward to seeing you all at blah blah party"

Night409 · 19/11/2023 16:57

Definitely put it in the group chat asap.

If you message her privately or ring or speak to her in person, then you are putting her on the spot.

Putting it in the group chat will allow her to take some time before needing to reply.

TravellingT · 19/11/2023 17:30

TheresaCrowd · 19/11/2023 14:55

'We' are not pregnant, the OP is pregnant.

Show quote history

Some of us are okay with saying "we're pregnant"

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 17:32

Some of us are okay with saying "we're pregnant"

And pedants like me get irritated by the phrase because men cannot get pregnant Grin

We are expecting is fine. We are pregnant is not.

myotherkidisacassowary · 19/11/2023 17:33

This thread has been kind of helpful in showing that there is no one response which fits all - some people preferred to be told privately, others in a group chat, etc.

If you can’t work out which approach your cousin would prefer then all you can do is choose the option you think is best and know that you were doing what you could to be sensitive and kind, even if it isn’t perfect.

I wonder if you could let her parents know and ask them what they think would be best? If you don’t think that’s appropriate then just use your best judgment and don’t worry too much about something which is mostly out of your control.

3amShopper · 19/11/2023 17:46

Can you not just tell your mum, who will tell her mum, who will tell her? Or similar. Rather than an announcement.

I'd have been sick into my hands if I got the "we're pregnant, here if you need to chat" type message. Mainly because no, you definitely don't want to talk to me, especially not about my baby loss misery, because it will make you miserable, or worse, anxious about your pregnancy, and I definitely wouldn't want that.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 19/11/2023 17:47

I think this is best. You aren't forcing her to talk about her loss but equally not forcing a cheery group message reply from her.

Ultimately there is no perfect answer and some people will feel differently about each option. The fact that you are trying to be sensitive is as much as you can do.

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2023 17:48

If you do Facebook, do it as an announcement?

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 19:42

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2023 17:48

If you do Facebook, do it as an announcement?

Under the circumstances, I don't think this is a good idea.

This thread has been kind of helpful in showing that there is no one response which fits all - some people preferred to be told privately, others in a group chat, etc.

I agree. Clearly my thoughts were wrong in this case.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 19/11/2023 20:16

We TTC for along time with lots of treatment. It never happened. I've never felt awful that others fell pregnant had their babies etc but I did feel loss for what we never had.
Some of these replies are so wordy and don't sit well with me.

Would you normally message your cousin? Would you message her parents, which would then filter down? I think you need to follow normal family ways, otherwise it is singling out the situation and making it strange.
If you do a group WhatsApp message make it basic and not 'gushy'. Yes people may congratulate you but she is able to come off and not see those if she chooses that.
If you send separate messages just send out exactly the same message to everyone, do not do a specoal one for her.

as you realise there is no right answer. Regardless of how she is told/finds out, she can still be upset and unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that x.

burnoutbabe · 19/11/2023 20:42

I'd very much assume my mum would tell her sister (or brother) when allowed and they would tell their daughter.

So I'd do it that way.

Original poster
bimbombim · 19/11/2023 21:12

sorry won’t let me reply to person above who mentioned facebook announcement - would this be a bad idea does anyone think? that’s what i did with my last pregnancies but i didn’t know if that was too in your face

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 19/11/2023 22:00

bimbombim · 19/11/2023 21:12

sorry won’t let me reply to person above who mentioned facebook announcement - would this be a bad idea does anyone think? that’s what i did with my last pregnancies but i didn’t know if that was too in your face

Does everyone you want to tell still use Facebook? Not many people do these days or maybe that’s just in my experience. If I was to put something on there the only people that would see it are my parents as they are the only people I know who still go on it as they like the local neighbourhood groups

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 22:06

Does everyone you want to tell still use Facebook? Not many people do these days or maybe that’s just in my experience.

It depends on how old you are. People of my age (50+) do, people my daughter's age (23) don't. I use Facebook more for sourcing information about local events, tradesmen etc rather than to post stuff.

Womencanlift · 19/11/2023 22:19

RampantIvy · 19/11/2023 22:06

Does everyone you want to tell still use Facebook? Not many people do these days or maybe that’s just in my experience.

It depends on how old you are. People of my age (50+) do, people my daughter's age (23) don't. I use Facebook more for sourcing information about local events, tradesmen etc rather than to post stuff.

I think that’s fair. My parents are all on the local pages and I think it’s more for finding out gossip (if someone’s lost dog is gossip!) than using it as a communication tool

Abstractreader · 19/11/2023 22:25

Can you not ask your mum to have a word with her mum and pass the message along?

I would highly advise against a FB post and tbh I do really think a direct text would be best. I lost a baby in the second trimester and whilst it may appear that someone is trying to pretend it never happened, it is usually a cover for what is going on behind closed doors.

Original poster
bimbombim · 20/11/2023 10:47

Womencanlift · 19/11/2023 22:00

Does everyone you want to tell still use Facebook? Not many people do these days or maybe that’s just in my experience. If I was to put something on there the only people that would see it are my parents as they are the only people I know who still go on it as they like the local neighbourhood groups

Show quote history

yeah i think most of them are - only people i can think of who aren’t are a few on dh’s side who he wants to tell over the phone anyway

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 20/11/2023 11:04

I have been through loses and unless I was super close to the person I’d prefer a group chat rather than a personal message. This is because you can just give a quick impersonal congratulations. Don’t leave it until the party because it will ruin it for her. At least finding out a couple of weeks before let’s it sink in.

yellowlane · 20/11/2023 11:50

Could you tell your aunt and let her tell her daughter, or ask your aunts advice?

TheBirdintheCave · 20/11/2023 11:56

yellowlane · 20/11/2023 11:50

Could you tell your aunt and let her tell her daughter, or ask your aunts advice?

This what I asked my brother to do. He told my mum that my SIL was pregnant and then mum told me.

Matronic6 · 20/11/2023 12:31

I have been in this exact position, I told my auntie/her mum privately. She told my cousin and a couple of days later we told other family. So it wasn't a surprise at a family wedding a couple of weeks later.

ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 13:02

Is there another family member who is closer to her who could tell her on your behalf? We had a similar situation in my family once where someone was worried about upsetting my sister, and in the end she actually had a conversation with my mum and my mum agreed to tell my sister instead. That meant that my sister could express her feelings more honestly and get that out of the way before she actually saw an 'announcement'.

If she'd heard it straight off, direct from the couple who were having the baby, she would obviously have had to put a brave face on it and smile happily despite how she was feeling about her own situation at the time. But with my mum, my sister could say 'Of course I'm pleased for them as I know they'll be so happy, but it's so hard hearing about babies at at the moment...' and have a cry and so on without worrying about upsetting the parents-to-be. Then when she did see them, she was prepared and was much more able to give them her sincere congratulations etc because she'd had time to process how she felt and so on.

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