To want a prenup?

[Deedee37]

I have assets (property) which I own together with my parents and siblings, and the flat we live in is mine. He doesn’t have any assets. Our income is similar. I asked him if we can do a prenup but he said that if I don’t trust him, I shouldn’t marry him.

Red flag. He knows your biological clock will start ticking and you are likely to give in and get married.

Leave him now, don’t waste years on him.

I’m in the process of divorce with someone I honestly believed it would be forever with. The split is very amicable on the whole and our assets and income are roughly the same. Despite that it’s still massively stressful and issues to do with finances are cropping up way more than I could have imagined. If I get married again I will definitely want a prenup.

just seen your update. tough one.

I respect his decision and think you should. For some people it’s a big insult to be asked to sign a prenup. When I bought a house with my ex he had 30k and I had nothing, so I suggested a tenants in common mortgage and he had 60% to my 40.

yes i'd respect his decision and just plan to protect assets as much as possible - buying a house as Tennants in common with agreed % split.

If having kids, thats tougher but they have your surname and if covers your costs duing maternity leave.

I think that’s a fair outcome. There is no reason for you to marry if you want kids because you have more assets than him.

When you marry, you share assets because you've agreed to share your life with another person.

If you have doubts about his intentions for the marriage, I wouldn't marry him at all.

I am in your position. More assets, larger income etc.

I absolutely wouldn’t get married.

I don’t think he is displaying a Green or red flag.

Marriage is the joining of 2 lives, including finances. He thinks if you don’t want to do that (and I understand why you wouldn’t) that he does think you both view marriage the same So there’s no point.

he is happy to continue the relationship (so still no access to your assets) but doesn’t want to get married as you don’t see eye to eye on what marriage is. Can’t see how that’s any kind of flag.

I agree OP shouldn’t marry him, but I don’t think marriage has to be all or nothing.

It’s perfectly ok to think I love you and want to spend my life with you, but things might change with time and I want to protect the assets given to me by my family, but we will share what we build up together in our marriage.

I have a pre nup and am UK based.

I bought considerable property BTL assets, plus pensions, savings and investments into the marriage which I wanted to protect. Should the marriage fail - I don’t want to hand over 50% of those assets that I have worked my arse off to gain.

All those saying pre nips aren’t legal in the UK are incorrect. Speak to a solicitor. UK law has a complex approach to prenups, but as long as you’ve taken steps to ensure your prenup is legally-sound and was drawn up fairly, it should be upheld by a court.

Being married also prevents your FH having to pay inheritance tax on your death. If for example you have £1m worth of assets - he would have to pay 40% inheritance tax (£400k in this example) in a very short period of time. Most people wouldn’t be able to find those funds.

Marriage, protecting your assets therefore makes sense.

The operative word is ‘should’.

You can’t guarantee it. And, quite frankly, it’s silly to bet so much money on ‘should’ when you clearly don’t want to share your assets.

The longer the marriage the less likely it is to be enforced. If you don’t want to share, it’s far easier to just not get married. A short marriage wouldn’t get 50% in most cases anyway.

Are you a family law solicitor?

yes that was my understanding.

you SHOULD be okay with a properly done pre-nup and assuming no changes along the way after marriage (both parties still work and earn reasonable amounts to support lifestyle, no one stops working due to sickness or having kids).

But its that SHOULD - there is no guarantee the courts won't ignore it if they think its unfair. So safest not to marry (unless you have done specific trust type things when you don't actually own your own assets then anyway, but thats for the super rich - my assets are my house and pension so not much i can do witth them if i want to enjoy using them (bar not marrying)

Are you?

I am guessing not.

I had had several different consults with several different firms. As I have far more in assets than Dp. I spent a lot of time deciding what the best position for me was.

Why so snarky? I simply pointed out what you actually said. ‘it should be upheld’. Should be upheld means nothing and it’s no guarantee. Should is the correct word and the word you used.

If you don’t want to share assets a prenup doesn’t guarantee it.

Agree with @Ffsnotaconference in that he is being entirely consistent.

I wouldn't marry anyone who asked me for a prenup. Not for silly 'romantic' ideas but due to my personal views on marriage.

Well, I guess that depends on what you want and how satisfied with the relationship you are.

Do you feel a 'need' to be married? Will you be happy without it?

Do you want children? Would you be happy to have them unmarried? Do you understand that being a SAHM would probably be out of the question as you'd never want to make yourself financially vulnerable. Are you financially stable enough to raise them on your own if 'the worst' happened?

Does he treat you well and with love and respect? Will he let the issue lie forever or will he throw it up to you during disagreements or keep trying to convince you to change your mind.

Are you financial 'equals' (meaning equal contributors to the household and have equal spending money)?

Do you feel he's he speaking from a place of true honesty or is do you think he's trying a bit of 'blackmail'.

And one final thought. IF the time came you wanted or needed to move and you looked to sell your flat to buy a new place how do you see that working? Would you want the new place in your name or any lump sum from your flat to be ring-fenced? Would you want proportional ownership based on who put in how much or would you be happy with 50/50? And do you think he'd agree with what you wanted?

A pre nup that ( for example ) stopped a woman, who then became a mother to his children and she stopped work to look after children so husband could further career and increase his pension etc, and a lengthy marriage holds little/ no weight in the uk.

Two people - no children, very dissimilar assets, entering into a pre nup with eyes wide open that fairly discusses assets etc and with legal advice etc. Court WOULD take that into account.

You do not lose your house and half your pension after a 18 month marriage so that is just rubbish. After a short marriage both parties are returned to the financial state they were in prior to marriage.

I brought a lot more money into our marriage than my now husband did. I didn’t protect it because I knew the above and figured that as the marriage continued things would have equalled out anyway.

This is fair. He’s respectful of your position and protecting his.

I still think you have polar opposite views on crucial things for a successful relationship.

Have you discussed if and how things might change if you have children, and all the things that entails?

They aren't legally enforceable but courts do take notice of them

Marriage isn't about romance. It's a hard-headed legal (and financial) decision.

OP, if you talk us through why you are considering marriage with him, we may be able to advise.

Red and Green.

Green = He might genuinely love you and all will be sunshine and daisies and you'll still be together when you're 90 in a nursing home poking fun at other residents etc.

Red = he could just be saying it to draw you in. Ultimately, if he lives in your house and contributes to any of the maintenance and fixing up, he could have some sort of claim.

But, for what it's worth, I think you'd be insane to marry someone who brings so little financially when you bring so much.

Example: Best friend from school married a guy she met at uni. She inherited £800K when her dad died (3rd year of uni, age 21). He proposed when they were 22 (they had been together four years by that point). Everyone in our friendship group told her not to marry him...she ignored us. Aged 25 he asked for a divorce and, as they were married, laid claim to half of her estate. Even if somehow she manages to keep more than half, she'll have spent tens of thousands on solicitor fees.

Don't do it.

I won’t be getting married without protecting my assets somehow. Me and my family have worked Damn hard to have a little weasel try and take half.

The other way around the man would be seen as tight/untrustworthy.

Out of interest, OP, how did you come to live together? Did he ask or you offer?