To want a prenup?

[Deedee37]

I have assets (property) which I own together with my parents and siblings, and the flat we live in is mine. He doesn’t have any assets. Our income is similar. I asked him if we can do a prenup but he said that if I don’t trust him, I shouldn’t marry him.

Marrying him won’t benefit you.

From experience, I would absolutely protect your assents. You have no idea what the future holds. My ex turned into a completely different person after 20yrs together, betrayed me and turned his back on everyone in his life, including our DD. Could never have imagined he could be this person from what he was and what he stood for before. Doesn’t matter how things are now, I’m sorry to say you can never 100% trust anyone. This will also affect your family - maybe you could angle it from that perspective?

To protect your assets

Me too.
If you do marry, don't do it without strong legal advice and a pre-nup

That is incorrect.

My husband's mother told him to get a prenup.

We had our own assets before marriage worth the same amount each and earned the same salary.

I laughed when he told me her suggestion and reminded him I wasn't forcing him to marry me.

We married without a prenup.

In terms of your situation, you need legal advice as your assets are joint with family, it's a bit more complicated. You also have to consider your gut feeling about him. None of us know him, and being offended at the suggestion of a prenup is not a red flag in itself (I was offended when suggested to me, but my reaction was to laugh). Anyway, no alarm bells from this post as we don't know anything about the DP. Some people absolutely are offended at the suggestion despite not being gold diggers. It can be insulting because they may feel you are not invested in a forever marriage etc.

I really am on the fence with prenup suggestions in general, as I said, I was offended, but laughed. I knew I wasn't a gold digger, hell, I ended up earning twice his salary after we married and now I have assets worth a lot more than him. No prenup, and hoping we have a forever marriage, and if that didn't happen, would really hope we could be amicable when dealing with financials.

I don’t know, it does kind of kill the romance doesn’t it for both of. If he loved you and doesn’t need you to support him he should be happy to sign a prenup.

I don’t think I would marry in your position

Absolutely have a prenup. If he cares about you he'd be happy for you to leave with what is yours.

If I were you, I wouldn't marry anyone without ringfencing my properties; him I wouldn't marry even after ringfencing the properties, he has shown a very nasty side of him.

I have a prenup. I have a sizeable passive income and am probably going to inherit a lot of money and property.

I have seen friends whose fathers have remarried after divorce or death of spouse and left everything to their new wife, who then leaves it all to their own DC.

My DH doesn’t have my unusually wealthy background, but he is a high earner. I do get fed up when people assume I’m a SAHM off the back of his hard work, when actually it’s nothing to do with him, my income is still higher.

Honestly @Deedee37 I would definitely get legal advice.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to get protection for the property you co-own with your family. He needs to understand that it isn't just about you and him with regards to that one.

Obviously, you can do what you like with the property you live in but tbh I wouldn't be committing to a marriage where I was never going to have any claim on the home I live in.

If it's a real sticking point maybe selling the one currently, buying something bigger together and having a clear agreement about the percentage of ownership.

You obviously don't need to get married either but him not being thrilled about a pre-nup isn't a red flag on its own. A pre-nup is not something many people have thought about or have had assets that they needed to protect. I think your gut instinct about his behaviour will probably be a better indicator of if he was caught off guard or has ill intentions.

I wish I'd had a pre-nup.

To those saying it's all about trust, romance, blah blah, shit happens.

No one gets married thinking it may end badly but it frequently does.

I'd have no problem signing if I was asked providing it was fair.

Unless children from a previous relationship are involved, if you don't want to share everything you have with the person you supposedly love and trust enough to marry, I don't see the point in getting legally married. Stay unmarried and just live together.

to those who say 'what if the husbvand asked for one ? '

well its a different story, isnt it. Because women often take a big hit career wise, especially if they have more than 1 child, and in the case of divorce they are usually the ones doing the majority of the childcare, which again impacts their ability to work and also means they are doing the majority of providing for more than just themselves. They are tied to areas for schooling, and not disrupting education. So not risking any assets, from family or from career before, is a sensible precaution.

To be honest, in short marriages, or even longer marriages pre children, I do think that you should take out what you have put in, proportionally, unless there has been an agreement that one partner is cutting back on their own work to support the other - ie being prepared to move areas/countries, or to be a homemaker to ease pressure in a high pressure job, then there is some negotiations to be had. But once kids come along, its a different matter

I won't marry for this reason

You shouldn’t marry. But only because you’re not aligned on the crucial issues of finances.

There’s no right or wrong about pre-nups (well, there is, but most people are so entrenched and it’s such a loaded issue that it’s not something you can easily compromise on). Getting onto the same page about this suggests totally different starting points. Uphill battle.

YANBU. I drew up a prenup before marrying DH because I own a flat in London as well as have substantial savings in ISAs, and stand to inherit a fairly substantial amount from my parents once they pass. Prenups are literally just marriage insurance. You wouldn't drive a car without insurance or go on holiday without travel insurance so why TF would you enter into marriage without a prenup if you potentially had a lot to lose should things go sour? Anyone that disagrees is someone who thinks too much with their emotions and isn't rational/logical. Getting a prenup says nothing about how much you love someone, it just shows you're level headed and prudent to get your ducks in a row before heading into one of the biggest legal arrangements of your life.

To protect your assets.

I can see why you want a ore-nup and thinks it is prudent that you do...

BUT...

..where does that leave you relationship and partnership? With you having 'the deciding vote' or 'pull rank' on things like decoration or moving etc because he is living in YOUR property? Will you expect him to pay rent or contribute to your mortgage? Will you continue to live in YOUR property or will you try to buy a jointly owned property which you are equal partners in? Does he want to get on the property ladder as a couple? You need to be having much bigger discussions about where you see yourselves in the future, your joint aspirations etc. Without them I can see why he has said no to marrying with a prenup.

Marriage isn’t about romance though, it’s a legally binding contract which has serious implications if you split up. Agree he should be happy to sign the prenup.

@Deedee37

Absolutely a prenup for the assets you've acquired prior to marriage. Be sure you do it through a solicitor and that your partner receives independent legal advice before he signs. The solicitor who draws up the prenup on your behalf must not be the one who advises him.

You also should have him sign a 'quit claim' (US term) for the property you own with your family. Both my SiL and I signed quit claims when our MiL added our husband's names to her property for estate planning purposes. It was their family home and we had no right to it in the event of a divorce. The property you own with your family is the same.

Thank you all for the helpful replies!

If anyone wants an update / still reads: we talked again this morning and he said that his decision not so sign a prenup is final, but that he would like to continue our relationship as before as unmarried couple to respect both our interests/opinions. Red flag or green flag?

Document what is yours and what values/loans were at the point of marriage. If it ends quickly without kids the split will be generous to you. If you have a ‘long marriage’ and kids it will be much more 50:50 if you aren’t comfortable with that then don’t get married to him, I’d hate to be in a marriage where we weren’t even and I brought a lot of assets into my marriage.