To refer to my husband as DC’s Step-Dad?

[Christmasapple]

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 4 years, married a little over 1 year. He’s known my DC for nearly 3 years.

My DS refers to my DH as his step dad when talking to his friends. I’m not sure who introduced it but he has lots of friends with blended families and so the idea of step parents and step siblings isn’t unusual to him. My younger child have picked up on this and will also refer to their step dad when talking to other people. I thought nothing on it because DH is the DC’s step dad. They use his first name when talking to him or about him to people who know him.

DC see their dad every other weekend. I got a text from him this morning stating “Do not use the term step-dad, the children have a father”. I don’t really know how to respond.

AIBU to let my kids refer to my husband as their step dad?

Surely Step Dad is exactly the right description of your DH's relationship with your children?
And of course they have a father. But they have a step dad too. Just like millions of other children.

Of course you're not unreasonable, he's your husband, he is step-dad. If their dad is struggling to get to grips with that then it's his problem.

But that’s what he is!
My DD only referred to my DH using his name, but would clarify with people that didn't know that he was her stepfather.
Your ex is an insecure arse.

I didn’t think I was being but sometimes my ex just gets so angry and self righteous that I need the reality check.

Weird.

He might have a point if they were referring to your DH as their father, but they’re clearly differentiating between their father and step-father.

If he didn't want his children to have a step dad he should have worked harder on his relationship with you shouldn't he!

As a step parent myself advice to you would be to ignore him and set the boundary that barring legitimate safety concerns his children's relationship with your husband is none of his business. Obviously this is hard for any parent to accept but is a consequence of having children with someone you then split up with.

If you let him dictate this he will move onto the next thing and you'll end up in a situation where your kids end up caught up in the middle in what's known as a loyalty bind.

If you don’t refer to him as step dad then people will just assume that he is their dad.

I guess in response to asking how you respond it's quite simple

"You're right they have a dad - you. They also have a step dad - DH. I'm not sure how I can change the truth?"

Puts the ball in his court to actually explain why the truth hurts!

He is their step dad so YANBU. They are obviously happy calling him that and it’s easier than saying my mums husband.

I can see why he’s an ex.

Would him being an arse be one of the reasons you aren't together?

It's entirely up to your DC what they call who. Biodad is still around & they have DH as step-dad so that's all present & correct in terms of names.

You aren't wrong, he is.

My mum has been married for nearly 40 years, he is her husband, nothing to do with me, he’s referred to by name he is not my father!!

I was about to agree wholeheartedly with this, then remembered what it's like to have a completely unreasonable ex - and the best answer to every stupid thing they say is a thumbs-up emoji.

I did consider just replying with a thumbs up. He’s a difficult man. He ended our marriage after several small affairs (his) but then lost the plot when I moved on before him. I like to keep things pleasant because he has our children every other weekend but it’s challenging.

This is in the category of ‘just ignore’. He’s not in control of this and his denial that his children have a stepdad does not change the reality.

He is their stepdad. He is your husband.

Its not correct when you are not married.

Ah I feel for you @Christmasapple

I have had similar. My general replies to his ridiculous rants were "thanks for your message", "thanks for letting me know your thoughts", "thanks", "noted", and the thumbs-up. If I didn't respond at all, that always produced a torrent of angry messages, and if I engaged, that would give him the idea that I was open to discussion. It's a wearisome business, though.

This is exactly what I would reply back to your XH

That's fine for you, however it is also just as fine for the ops children to take it upon themselves to call their mothers new husband their step dad/father.
It is perfectly reasonable.

Just read your update and I'm sticking with my initial thought- tell their Dad to fuck off! Your husband is indeed your kids' stepdad if they say so. End of discussion isn't it?!

That’s what he is

How old are the children? Could you start referring your ex as bio-dad when talking about him? After all, it’s the truth…😉😂

It was the children who started calling him their step dad though so I’m pretty sure he does have something to do with them. It would be different if he had nothing to do with them.

You could respond to your ex - yes, they have a father, of course, you, and they know that! Surely you don't want anyone assuming <sd name> is their actual dad? 'Step dad' makes it clear that he is NOT their father!

What does that have to do with this thread?
What a weird comment.