To refer to my husband as DC’s Step-Dad?

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I’ve been with my husband for nearly 4 years, married a little over 1 year. He’s known my DC for nearly 3 years.

My DS refers to my DH as his step dad when talking to his friends. I’m not sure who introduced it but he has lots of friends with blended families and so the idea of step parents and step siblings isn’t unusual to him. My younger child have picked up on this and will also refer to their step dad when talking to other people. I thought nothing on it because DH is the DC’s step dad. They use his first name when talking to him or about him to people who know him.

DC see their dad every other weekend. I got a text from him this morning stating “Do not use the term step-dad, the children have a father”. I don’t really know how to respond.

AIBU to let my kids refer to my husband as their step dad?

If they were referring to your DH as "dad" and calling him dad to his face then your ex would have a point but they refer to your DH as "step dad" and call him by his first name to his face.

If your weren't married to your DH and your kids referred to him as "step dad" then maybe your ex could be grumpy about that as you weren't married yet but he couldn't stop the kids from doing it.

However kicking off because the kids quite correcting refer to their mums husband as their step dad is nuts;this is a fact;it can't be changed.

Honestly just ignore him and carry on;I wouldn't even dignify that message with a answer.

You need to grey rock your ex.

@BalletBob thank you for your concern, I am having on going counselling.

It’s interesting to hear other perspectives. I hate to drip feed but it is probably relevant that he himself has a stepfather who he will refer to as his stepfather despite there being no love lost between them.

So he’s a hypocrite as well as everything else.

I would ask “so what should they refer to him as? 🙄” then ignore.

YANBU I actually think it's very respectful they are specifying to people that he is their step-dad rather than them just assuming he's dad

I don't like the term step parent either. They are not the child's parent.

No, they're the step parent.

My partner (a step-dad to my kids) just had two words for your ex - "Fuck Off."
And his reaction was an even stronger "Fuck RIGHT Off" after your update

I also call my mums husband my step-dad despite him coming into my life when I was in my 20s, my kids call him Granddad name when talking to us (to differentiate between step-dad and my dad)

@Kerantli well said, that man! 👍

I'd be tempted to say 'what would you rather they call him, Dad? I think you'll find that step Dad IS the correct phrase, so stop being such an arse'!

Love it

I find the perfect response for something like this ‘sure whatever’

It has a way of communicating the indifference you hold for a stupid comment like this. It’s even better when it takes the person on the receiving end awhile to clock it’s a passive aggressive ’go fuck your self and whatever dumbass thing you just said’

Exactly - it doesn't even make sense.
No-one will be my childs parent except me and DH. You shouldn't just be able to throw "add ons" in when your marriage breaks down.

OP your Ex is a hyercrite though if he has accepted it for him.

Tell him that's the correct terminology so get stuffed

Yes that was your choice and entirely up to you.

OP's DC have chosen entirely by themselves to call her DH their stepdad. OP hasn't given any indication that any pressure was put on them.

You chose what to call your mum's new husband so why shouldn't OP's DC get a free choice in this?

Following your update, that makes no sense at all! Just ignore him.

But is he going to be shitty with your children for calling him that in front of him?

Don’t answer. He’s being ridiculous

I would give it the crying laughing emoji

How ridiculous of him! Having read that he’s a tricky character I’d say something like “don’t worry they know that you’re their dad and that a step dad is something different, they don’t call him dad so nothing to worry about”.

He will be shitty with them, yes. My eldest son has said he has to say mean things about my husband when with his dad to make him happy.

By that I meant I imagine they will just stop referring to their step dad as their step dad in front of their father as they’re already used to modifying their behaviour when necessary

I think this is the way to go, a nice bland ‘Thanks for your message’.

In my experience those people who refer to ‘my Dad’s wife’ or ‘Mum’s husband’ were either grown up when they came into their life or had a very poor relationship with them. If I heard a child say that I would assume they disliked the person.

I suppose it varies - I remarried when my kids were adults. They called him by his name, but, to others they referred to him as their "step-Dad" and sent cards saying the same.

Their "birth" Dad was still around, so they called him "Dad" as normal.

They did have a great relationship with DH, so perhaps it depends on that.🤔

Exactly!

He is their stepdad. He's not taking their father's role of Dad.

I'd reply to the Dad, "It's a neutral term chosen by the children, not me or X, to describe X. It's about how the kids relate to other kids and explain their family set up to others in a way everyone understands and in no way a reflection on you. How else should DS explain who X is to his friends? If he says "Mums husband" they'll simply reply "so your stepdad?" to clarify because that's normal use of language and the correct descriptive word. They are not replacing you - stop being so insecure and controlling. You are being ridiculous."

@Bertiesmum3

They aren't calling him their father though.
I'm 58, my mum married her husband when I was 21. I call him by his name. But I would describe him to people who don't know our family as my stepfather.

I've never lived in the same house as him, he's never tried to be 'dad' but to describe him as my mum's husband is very cold .