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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refer to my husband as DC’s Step-Dad?

78 replies

Christmasapple · 18/11/2023 17:20

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 4 years, married a little over 1 year. He’s known my DC for nearly 3 years.

My DS refers to my DH as his step dad when talking to his friends. I’m not sure who introduced it but he has lots of friends with blended families and so the idea of step parents and step siblings isn’t unusual to him. My younger child have picked up on this and will also refer to their step dad when talking to other people. I thought nothing on it because DH is the DC’s step dad. They use his first name when talking to him or about him to people who know him.

DC see their dad every other weekend. I got a text from him this morning stating “Do not use the term step-dad, the children have a father”. I don’t really know how to respond.

AIBU to let my kids refer to my husband as their step dad?

OP posts:
Escapefromhell · 18/11/2023 18:50

He is being ridiculous. ‘Step Father’, ‘Step Mother’ or ‘Step Parent’ are the legally correct terms used to refer to the spouse of a child’s parent who is not the child’s biological parent.

FloydPepper · 18/11/2023 18:52

NewNameNigel · 18/11/2023 17:32

If he didn't want his children to have a step dad he should have worked harder on his relationship with you shouldn't he!

As a step parent myself advice to you would be to ignore him and set the boundary that barring legitimate safety concerns his children's relationship with your husband is none of his business. Obviously this is hard for any parent to accept but is a consequence of having children with someone you then split up with.

If you let him dictate this he will move onto the next thing and you'll end up in a situation where your kids end up caught up in the middle in what's known as a loyalty bind.

Your first paragraph is a bit ridiculous given you know precisely nothing about the reasons they’re not together any more…

billy1966 · 18/11/2023 18:52

Pay him no heed.

He cheated on you and he cheated on his children before leaving his family.

Thumbs up and ignore the twat.

FloydPepper · 18/11/2023 18:54

Although given the update you may be right. Still… you didn’t know when you assumed

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 18/11/2023 19:15

He is their stepdad!!! Maybe send your exH a link to what the word means.

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 19:19

When he father remarried my DM nor I would ever call his wife my step mum. I have a mum. In my books it's only a step mum role is only if the actual mum is not around.
Both my DH and I agree if anything happened between us we would never refer to anyone as "step" anything.

IncompleteSenten · 18/11/2023 19:21

Yes they have a dad.

And a step dad.

Just ignore him

UnremarkableBeasts · 18/11/2023 20:34

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 19:19

When he father remarried my DM nor I would ever call his wife my step mum. I have a mum. In my books it's only a step mum role is only if the actual mum is not around.
Both my DH and I agree if anything happened between us we would never refer to anyone as "step" anything.

thing is, the while rest of the world will just use stepmum/stepdad when talking about parent's spouse, whatever you decide.

The children's school will say 'Toby's
stepdad is picking him up tonight'. The children's friends will say 'Toby's
stepdad is going to pick us up'. Even Toby is likely to feel it's just easier to say 'my stepdad' rather than 'my mum's husband'. maybe not in your earshot, because he would know you get weird about it. But out in the world it’s easy to just use the standard term.

Because stepdad does just mean mum’s husband. It doesn’t actually mean any more than that.

BalletBob · 18/11/2023 20:42

Your husband is their stepdad. That's just a simple fact.

Completely ignore your ex and do not respond whatsoever. No thumbs up. Nothing at all.

I think the actual issue here is that one controlling and inappropriate text from him is enough to have you questioning your reality and considering whether you need to change your behavior (or your kids'/your husband's). Why does he have such a hold over you after all this time? Is it worth exploring this though counselling? For your sanity and happiness you need to reach a point where nothing he says or does can affect you.

Concannon88 · 18/11/2023 20:42

Hes a jerk. He doesnt get to dictate your children's familiarities to suit his own comfort levels. Its lovely they have a step dad. Dont let him ruin that bond.

Concannon88 · 18/11/2023 20:45

Thata not true. The definition of step father is husband or partner to ones mother.

Concannon88 · 18/11/2023 20:49

So what will they call them then? The thing is you are saying that from the point of view of being with them, when people split, all those plans go out the window.

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 20:55

thing is, the while rest of the world will just use stepmum/stepdad when talking about parent's spouse, whatever you decide

Oh you misunderstand, I'm not trying to decide anything Confused I'm giving an opinion that step parent is a silly term, the child has its parents, they are parents partner. There is no link to the child, the link is to the partner.
We simply mean we explain its an unnecessary term and would not encourage/ reinforce it with our DC or any new partners.

catscalledbeanz · 18/11/2023 20:57

I mean, it's literally the definition of step father . Yanbu

To refer to my husband as DC’s Step-Dad?
JustAnotherManicMomday · 18/11/2023 21:05

Tell their father, they also legally have a step-father the same way if he marries they would have a step-mother. Point out the children are stating legal facts. If he likes they can say they have two fathers? Alternatively they can carry on in the factually correct manner and use any term they are comfortable with then in your care.

muchalover · 18/11/2023 21:08

Hmmm I recognise I am swimming against the tide here but....

There isn't a vacancy for the role of dad, they have one who is currently and actively in their lives.

Just because others say it doesn't mean he has to accept it. You husband is YOUR husband and the children could say that.

Just because he was a cheating swine doesn't mean he doesn't get to protect his role in their lives. He could have approached it differently but from what you've said that would be unlikely but it doesn't negate his preference.

Catsmere · 18/11/2023 21:08

Oh fuck him, stupid man. He stuffed the marriage, he's gone, he is (regrettably) their father, they now have a stepfather who I hope does a better job of marriage and parenting.

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 21:11

Tell their father, they also legally have a step-father the same way if he marries they would have a step-mother.

How do you mean legally ??? do you mean just as a recognised definition as the actual parents partner , as I understand it, they have no legal parental right at all (as they are not a parent) the actual parents have that legal right?

Terfosaurus · 18/11/2023 21:15

I have a step-mum and and step-dad. Neither of those take anything away from my actual parents. They're "bonus parents".
My dc have a step-mum. They rarely refer to her as that because of how she treats them. If they wanted to refer to her as their step-mum then they could, because she is

FWIW I referred to my step-dad as "mums husband " for a couple of years. Because it was a title he had to earn in my eyes. And he did. And I'm proud to call him my step-dad.

Catsmere · 18/11/2023 21:17

muchalover · 18/11/2023 21:08

Hmmm I recognise I am swimming against the tide here but....

There isn't a vacancy for the role of dad, they have one who is currently and actively in their lives.

Just because others say it doesn't mean he has to accept it. You husband is YOUR husband and the children could say that.

Just because he was a cheating swine doesn't mean he doesn't get to protect his role in their lives. He could have approached it differently but from what you've said that would be unlikely but it doesn't negate his preference.

"Protect his role in their lives"? He sees them once a fortnight and he's the one who left after committing adultery multiple times! He barely has a role and that's entirely on him, and now he's being a controlling shit pretending the term "stepfather" takes something away from him. Nobody took anything from him, he threw it away.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/11/2023 21:18

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 21:11

Tell their father, they also legally have a step-father the same way if he marries they would have a step-mother.

How do you mean legally ??? do you mean just as a recognised definition as the actual parents partner , as I understand it, they have no legal parental right at all (as they are not a parent) the actual parents have that legal right?

Everyone in this situation described by op understands the meaning and appropriate use of Stepdad.

If you want to be definitive about things you should have specified your partners spouse not partner.

Stepfather, Stepmother Stepparent is the term for a parents spouse that is not a biological parent.

Sapphire387 · 18/11/2023 21:21

Catsmere · 18/11/2023 21:08

Oh fuck him, stupid man. He stuffed the marriage, he's gone, he is (regrettably) their father, they now have a stepfather who I hope does a better job of marriage and parenting.

This.

NancyJoan · 18/11/2023 21:24

muchalover · 18/11/2023 21:08

Hmmm I recognise I am swimming against the tide here but....

There isn't a vacancy for the role of dad, they have one who is currently and actively in their lives.

Just because others say it doesn't mean he has to accept it. You husband is YOUR husband and the children could say that.

Just because he was a cheating swine doesn't mean he doesn't get to protect his role in their lives. He could have approached it differently but from what you've said that would be unlikely but it doesn't negate his preference.

There is a bit of a vacancy. He sees his kids four days a month. 48 days out of 365. Hardly Dad of the Year material.

wokbun · 18/11/2023 21:26

Mumofteenandtween · 18/11/2023 17:32

If you don’t refer to him as step dad then people will just assume that he is their dad.

I'd say this. And that it is actually more respectful to their dad that he is introduced thusly rather than have people assume he is their dad. If he gets married then that person will also be their step-dad/step-mum

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/11/2023 21:28

Everyone in this situation described by op understands the meaning and appropriate use of Stepdad
I have also said I understand the term. I was asking what the poster meant by legally ? As they have no legal rights.

If you want to be definitive about things you should have specified your partners spouse not partner
You are correct it should be parents spouse.

Stepfather, Stepmother Stepparent is the term for a parents spouse that is not a biological parent
Yes it is, I haven't disputed the term, All I am saying is my opinion is that it is not a term we would encourage as the link is nothing to do with the child, the link is with the actual parent.