ARGH unexpected visitors, messy house

[shopping247]

I am so so so mortified. House is a complete tip right now. We are in the middle of a 'huge sort out' that has carried on longer than planned as we haven't had a chance to finish as we have had a lot going on, so there is just junk and clutter piled everywhere. It is BAD. Kitchen was a mess too. Bins need emptying. You know, the lot. Typically, I have this whole weekend free ready to sort it all out!!!

So I come home today to hear that DH had bumped into our neighbours and chatted to them about a problem we were having with something needing fixing. So of course, he invites them in, the husband with his wife in tow, to have a look. Inside our absolutely chaotic, messy, pigsty of a house. NDN are a lovely couple, their house is immaculate from what I have seen of it.

I could kill him and I just want the ground to swallow me up!!! I never want to see them again! I want to move

AIBU to ask you to please me feel better and tell me this has happened to you too 😭

Men don't care about how the house looks to others, women on the other hand feel that it reflects badly on them as society still expects women to do most of the housework. I totally understand how you feel OP, I'd be really pissed off as well. Can't you re-invite the neighbours in once you've had a good tidy up, then they will see that you're not really living in a shit hole?!

Agree there is a difference between messy and dirty. If the skirtings are covered in black grime and the ceiling full of old cobwebs collecting dust, then I'd notice.

'Stuff' all over the place is a different thing. My house is always cluttered and often because we're having a clearout, or sorting out lego sets etc. Currently I have a load of box files on the kitchen floor which I found in the attic and need to remove the papers to recycle etc. It's not what I'd want guests to see - but nothing to be ashamed of.

Plus I don't think visitors really see the mess - especially if kids are involved. I went round a friends the other day - she works, plus runs a business from home, and has a teenager and two at primary school. They have dogs and cats, and an average size three bed home. As we were chatting she said - sorry about the mess! I then looked around and realised that yes, it was quite full of stuff - kids toys and gadgets, maybe an ironing basket or something - but honestly I didn't notice anything until she mentioned it, and even then thought nothing of it, it's just life!

Just say 'sorry about the mess, I'm having a sort-out'. They really won't be judging.

Men don't care about how the house looks to others, women on the other hand feel that it reflects badly on them as society still expects women to do most of the housework

Could we change that to "some women feel it reflects badly on them"?

I don't, and never have done, and I was a woman last time I looked. I grew up in an untidy house, so was never conditioned to think that it was important. My mum was more interested in horses and gardening than she was in housework.

My ex husband was far more house-proud than I have ever been. I do not give a toss about it, either in myself or anyone else.

These things happen. Most of us have messy houses at times. I've been there with unexpected guests. If you are that worried perhaps invite them over on a day when you've tidied up or don't worry about it next time because they have already seen it at its worst!

They probably don't care and if they do they are twats anyway.
I'd be pissed off with your DH tho. I hate it that men just don't get it often because they never end up being the ones judged.
I've properly drilled it into mine to never ever bring random people into the house without running it by me. That is a hard boundary for me. I need at least a few hours notice ideally a day. Unless it's an absolute emergency of course. It's not just about mess I'm also quite an anxious introverted person and the stress it would cause me in my own home if he were just rocking up with random people all the time would be such that I'd actually have to end the marriage tbh.
He can bring people I don't know back but not unannounced. I need preparation time.
I know people on mumsnet tend to massively disagree with this but personally I think it's completely disrespectful if you share a home with someone, to not run by them who is going to be coming in to it and when.

I used to be conscious of this when my kids were younger - those "just popping in" after school moments.

Then one day I was invited back to another mum's house after school for a cuppa. She unlocked the door then breezily turned to me and said "by the way, the house is messy because I never tidy up" and stepped over a pile of shoes and sports kit. I loved her instantly.

It matters to OP to have a tidy home, just because some men don't doesn't mean all women have to be the same.

I feel you OP. Asked DH to clean the window ledges as they get a lot of cobwebs and have to be done weekly.
Hadn't done them for ages and someone was coming to fix the arial and needed access through the window.
He didn't do a good job and had the lady come and ask for a brush to get them off.
I was mortified as I stood there watching her clean the ledge as her collgeue watched too.

Embarrassing and had a word with DH about doing a half hearted job.

I'm house proud but have had moments when I've been caught out. Usually when ill or too tired. It happens and hopefully no one judges.

Saying that, I've been to an old college mate's place where the carpet was dirty on another level.
Had a hard time walking around barefoot after taking shoes off at the door.
Never went back.
It wasn't just untidy, but proper dirt whilst she was always well turned out.

Absolutely this!

My house is almost always a shit-tip. We are just messy people, I hang onto things a bit too much. I HATE it when people come round unexpectedly but that's something I'm trying to work on. Men simply do not have these feelings of 'mortification'. Why the hell should we? It just becomes yet another thing women are expected to be on top of. Being on constant display, always visitor-ready is just another oppression, like being expected to be perfectly groomed all the time.

I've had the police and ambulance crew in my house and neither batted an eyelid about the fact my house is currently a tip. Like you, I've been trying to clear out clutter but life and poor health slow the process down. I'm hoping to have a tidy sitting room and dining room for Christmas but I've had to cancel friends numerous times because my house is so untidy. I do clean underneath the piles of stuff but I really want to be able to vacuum rather than sweep bits of floor. You are definitely not alone.

It’s always the way when you’re in a mess or having a clear out. Hubby rarely brings uninvited guests as we rather people pre arrange but last time he brought his friend around we had an active mould problem in the porch, I’d just cooked a huge pot of basmati rice which had dissipated through the house enough to smell just like smelly feet and I had 3 or 4 large fitted sheets draped over open doors drying. Oh and I was just out of the shower dressed in some house rags with dripping hair; worth adding that we usually have some good standards.

Gendered conditioning is to blame. Most of us watched our mothers stressing about the same thing. Lifetime of advertising etc pushing images of perfect homes at us. It's all bullshit, family life is occasionally v messy by its very nature. I suppose the male equivalent is running out of petrol/getting lost and having to ask for directions/looking like an idiot when driving. Again, heavily gendered.

Men simply do not have these feelings of 'mortification'. Why the hell should we? It just becomes yet another thing women are expected to be on top of. Being on constant display, always visitor-ready is just another oppression, like being expected to be perfectly groomed all the time

This, x 1 million.

It all clearly passed me by. Thank God my mum was so untidy, as she evidently spared me all kinds of problems in later life.

This is such a non-issue. Presumably you didn't want them to move in, so why would they need to have an opinion on how tidy it was? If anyone is upset by the mess in my house, they have the option not to visit...

Everyone’s been there.

worst one for me was sitting in old comfy PJs on a Saturday night pregnant (no one knew yet) feeling like shit sitting in a pigsty no energy to do much and DH just home from working away. in-laws appear randomly (10pm) as were passing and thought they’d pop in
had to try and hide how awful I was feeling whilst sitting mortified at the state of the place including a half empty suitcase with dirty laundry dumped beside it.

DH never seen anything wrong with it whilst all I could see was mess and judgement. He said you’re pregnant and feeling shit they won’t judge.

ive got over it now but i still hate unexpected visitors

Don’t worry about this! You were in the middle of sorting out things! If helps you feel better, invite them over for a cuppa another day when it’s tidier! But honestly don’t be fretting over it.

Unrelated to the OP, itsmeafterall, our cat was like this but we got her sone probiotic paste and it practically stopped 😻 no more random vomit lol

Unless he has broken both of his arms your partner is more than capable of doing half the tidy - not your sole responsibility. Most of us have been there with a big sort out that takes longer than it should so your neighbours may have been there themselves at some point. If neighbours are mates grab a coffee and have a rant about the project. And be a bit gentler with yourself - you have a lot on your plate. .

How wonderful, I feel so much better in my own little chaos den!

This has happened to me several times and I've been mortified.

As I've got older ive refused to feel judged as a women for the state of the house. It doesn't define my with and my husband us equally as responsible.

FWIW I actually feel relieved in a messy house. We are bombarded by images if perfection on Instagram etc- give me reality any day