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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband in love with his ex ? Or AIBU?

55 replies

Unknown987 · 17/11/2023 08:15

Long post please stay with me.

My husband and I are both divorcees married 3 years ago - both with children from previous marriage and both with traumatic previous marriage experiences.
My husband was with ex wife for 14 years - and I find their relationship uncomfortable. Maybe because I was cheated on so feelings are more heightened?
The ex and husband have a constant back and forth - bantering all the time on WhatsApp and always on the phone ‘regarding the kids’. Boys are 20 and 16.
I’ve always had a gut instinct that he was still in love with his ex but he convinced me never. However several things have happened in the 3 years that are making me question my sanity.
During my pregnancy he vanished after an argument and stayed out over 24 hours without contact and only rang his ex. She in turn told me and the rest of the family where he was.
he told me I was being unreasonable and it was in my head and nothing there.
He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum and never disrespected him like I do… tbh I can get really angry and say means things but in my defence that’s triggered by disrespect.
I recently looked at his messages this week after a hunch and they had been messaging back and forth about many things but he specifically said I know you like me the most from all the men you’ve been with and I’ll hold on to that. And other comments like I will always be your ‘George Bailey’ and stuff like I wish I had made the changes I’ve made now for you.
He also shared personal stuff about my family and ex to her and also told her about our arguments and other unnecessary stuff such as asking if she’s going to have any more kids etc.
Writing it all down now seems so stupid but I feel so hurt and disrespected like he’s pretending to be a different way with me.
What I am I to do? His ex kicked him out. His mum and family tell me he was obsessed with her as he forgave her for cheating on him and went back to her.
He tells me it’s nothing just banter and silly messages that didn’t mean anything BUT I feel so disrespected about the disloyalty and exposure of my life and the way he’s trying to convince himself she still likes him.
he’s moved in with me with my 2 girls from my previous marriage. He helps with childcare. Pays his half of bills and everything else. I know I’m overly sensitive.
Am I being unreasonable by saying this is cheating and wanting him to leave?

OP posts:
Janeandme · 17/11/2023 08:17

It’s not cheating no, unless maybe emotionally, but yes it does feel like he’s got her on a pedestal and still has feelings for her, doesn’t feel like she wants him though.

DustyLee123 · 17/11/2023 08:17

You don’t trust him, kick him out.

RedCoffeeCup · 17/11/2023 08:17

I wouldn't be happy about this at all OP. Leaving aside the messages, this bit "He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum" would really, really upset me Sad

JeezWhatNext · 17/11/2023 08:20

I’d ask him to stop and if he can’t I’d then think about asking him to move on.

UnRavellingFast · 17/11/2023 08:24

He’s also betraying you emotionally and betraying you by disclosing information about your marriage, your own family, your ex. He sounds dishonest and uncommitted and I think you’re on a road to nowhere. I’m really sorry

Mothership4two · 17/11/2023 08:34

It sounds as though if she snapped her fingers he would go back to her which puts you in a vulnerable position and is probably eating away at your confidence. She obviously doesn't want him back but is keeping the dialogue open - probably strokes her ego and she is getting an insight into your life and marriage. A decent person would be shutting down the extraneous stuff and just sticking to issues about their children. As for him convincing you he's not still in love with her - I always say look at what somebody does not what they say - actions not words. He is oversharing, communicating a lot with her more than necessary for just exes and comparing you both - and making you feel like crap.

Ethels · 17/11/2023 08:36

Do you have a child together? If not, get rid, today. If so it’s a bit more complicated but I’d be asking him to cut the contact right down or move out. It sounds like he’s getting his emotional needs met by her, not you, and he’d want more if she’d have him.

Pleasealexa · 17/11/2023 08:37

So you share a child as well?

He is still attached to her and it is disloyal to discuss you with her. If she ended it perhaps he is still not ready to let her go. I doubt she wants to go back to him but probably cares as he is the father of her children.

Thisistyresome · 17/11/2023 08:44

Nothing here sounds healthy. I don’t think he is in love with her but hw has some kind of dependency thing going on.

It sounds like you both have very bad relationship habits which obviously doesn’t help either.

Perhaps you both need some therapy.

muchalover · 17/11/2023 08:49

If it is "nothing, just banter" then once he realises how you feel about it, it will simply stop won't it?

But it won't because it's so much more. He is taking investment out of your relationship (comparing you because he has put you in a competition with her which neither you nor her agreed to) and putting it into her (telling her intimate information about your life together).

Your relationship should be THE most valuable to him but unbeknownst to you when you signed your marriage certificate you signed up for a "who's best" competition and she is winning.

rainbowstardrops · 17/11/2023 08:49

From the outside, it seems like he's acting like there are three people in this marriage.
He's awful to compare you to her!

JLM1981 · 19/11/2023 13:06

Really sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I think your suspicions are correct and he's acting inappropriately.

Steviebhoy · 19/11/2023 13:08

Lucky if I've spoke too my ex 3 times in 10 yrs, I would say we're freindly. You can bet yer bottom dollar, you're not wrong.

Casiemace35 · 19/11/2023 13:13

He sounds absolutely horrific and is completely minimising your feelings. Disrespectful, disloyal, dishonest need i go on!? She is also in the wrong for entertaining it and seems to like the attention, their relationship should be strictly about the kids and no further. Im so sorry you are having to put up with this deceit. You are not overly sensitive if anything you are being tame. He needs a serious attitude adjustment

UnremarkableBeasts · 19/11/2023 13:20

The fact is that he’s quite happy for you to feel like this. He doesn’t care about making you feel like the most important woman in his life - even at moments in your life when you’re vulnerable and need support, he chooses to make it clear you’re not his priority.

I don’t see how a relationship can survive in that scenario. You deserve better.

What he does or does not feel for his ex is immaterial. The simple fact is he’s massively failing you. And that’s all you need to be sure of.

whynotwhatknot · 19/11/2023 13:20

sorry but she didnt disrespect him but didnt she cheat

he sounds obsessed with her sorry

MsCactus · 19/11/2023 13:29

He still likes her I think - I would want to break up with him over this.

You're not being unreasonable at all, you're spot on with what you've noticed.

TheAbsurd · 19/11/2023 13:32

I wouldn’t like any of that at all - discussing you and personal things about you and all the banter.

JANEY205 · 19/11/2023 13:36

I would make him leave. I wouldn’t have my DH speaking to any other woman like that. You aren’t being sensitive, he is crossing major boundaries and being disrespectful. I’d be suspicious too. Why the fuck is SHE telling you where he is? Why are they texting all the time? He either stops or he gets out. I wouldn’t be the third person in my own marriage.

Crafthead · 19/11/2023 13:42

Whenever I read about "disrespect" being a problem I think of people with short tempers who escalate small situations. "Disrespect" is about power, and who has it. Relationships are about sharing, not power.

Someone who loves you won't want to hurt you.

That won't always stop them doing things they know you don't like, but, in my book, that's the bit that tells me there's an issue: if you know I don't like it but still think it's ok to do it, then convince me, or do it anyway, openly. If you hide it, you probably think I have a point.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 19/11/2023 13:42

Honestly op it sounds like he doesn’t want to be lonely which is why he’s in a relationship, but that he hasn’t moved on from her and he would go back to her if she just says the word. Otherwise, why would he tell her he takes comfort from knowing he is the one she likes best, and why would he say they were best friends unlike you and him? The fact he thinks you aren’t at close as he was to her is a sign that you aren’t in the right relationship here. His head isn’t with you, even if he seems to be because you share other elements in your lives (mostly practical and not emotional, it seems). I’d end it with him. Otherwise you’ll carry on feeling like you’re second choice and that he’s happy to keep telling her as much behind your back.

CheekyChick876 · 19/11/2023 13:43

Why are you checking his messages?! If you got to that point you clearly don't trust him, so just break up!

Viviennemary · 19/11/2023 13:59

He is still attached to his ex in a big way. He just hasn't moved on at all.

Mikimoto · 19/11/2023 14:07

Have you told your husband the conclusions you've gathered after spending hours pouring over the private messages on his phone?

Mummymummy89 · 19/11/2023 14:07

Comparing you to her during an argument with you is totally, totally unacceptable. It's just totally unacceptable.

Telling her private stuff about the two of you is also totally unacceptable.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I think you could either sit him down for a serious word about how awful he is being, or if you've already done this and got nowhere, then maybe there's no way to salvage it.

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