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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband in love with his ex ? Or AIBU?

55 replies

Unknown987 · 17/11/2023 08:15

Long post please stay with me.

My husband and I are both divorcees married 3 years ago - both with children from previous marriage and both with traumatic previous marriage experiences.
My husband was with ex wife for 14 years - and I find their relationship uncomfortable. Maybe because I was cheated on so feelings are more heightened?
The ex and husband have a constant back and forth - bantering all the time on WhatsApp and always on the phone ‘regarding the kids’. Boys are 20 and 16.
I’ve always had a gut instinct that he was still in love with his ex but he convinced me never. However several things have happened in the 3 years that are making me question my sanity.
During my pregnancy he vanished after an argument and stayed out over 24 hours without contact and only rang his ex. She in turn told me and the rest of the family where he was.
he told me I was being unreasonable and it was in my head and nothing there.
He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum and never disrespected him like I do… tbh I can get really angry and say means things but in my defence that’s triggered by disrespect.
I recently looked at his messages this week after a hunch and they had been messaging back and forth about many things but he specifically said I know you like me the most from all the men you’ve been with and I’ll hold on to that. And other comments like I will always be your ‘George Bailey’ and stuff like I wish I had made the changes I’ve made now for you.
He also shared personal stuff about my family and ex to her and also told her about our arguments and other unnecessary stuff such as asking if she’s going to have any more kids etc.
Writing it all down now seems so stupid but I feel so hurt and disrespected like he’s pretending to be a different way with me.
What I am I to do? His ex kicked him out. His mum and family tell me he was obsessed with her as he forgave her for cheating on him and went back to her.
He tells me it’s nothing just banter and silly messages that didn’t mean anything BUT I feel so disrespected about the disloyalty and exposure of my life and the way he’s trying to convince himself she still likes him.
he’s moved in with me with my 2 girls from my previous marriage. He helps with childcare. Pays his half of bills and everything else. I know I’m overly sensitive.
Am I being unreasonable by saying this is cheating and wanting him to leave?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2023 14:15

Whether it's 'love' or not I don't know, but he certainly has 'more feelings' for his ex than a man should who has committed themselves to another woman. He is going outside your marriage for things he should be seeking and finding within your marriage. This is an emotional betrayal.

Talking about their children is one thing. Even when your DC are grown there's plenty to talk about. And it's a good thing when people who share children can be 'friends', or at least 'friendly'. But telling her your private business, telling her he wishes he'd changed 'for her', and her being the 'point of contact' when he disappeared are serious, serious red flags. However, it sounds to me as if none of this should really surprise you, given that you felt he was still in love with her and you married him anyway. I'm not blaming you, I'm simply calling the fact to your attention and asking you to think about the decision you made then. Would you make the same decision today, knowing what you know?

It doesn't appear to me that he thinks he's doing anything wrong, nor does he see any reason to change. He wants (needs?) to keep that emotional attachment to her. He probably feels that it's perfectly fine as long as he doesn't sleep with her. But he's wrong. Emotional betrayal cuts deep.

You've only been married 3 years. Personally, I'd end the marriage. I wouldn't be married to someone who has such divided loyalties and who doesn't seem to care about my feelings. If that's not where you are, then I suggest marriage counseling. He needs to be able to understand your feelings of betrayal and both of you need to understand why he's apparently still so attached to his ex. I'm not saying 'understand' his attachment as in accept it. I'm saying that you need understand it so that you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to live the next 30/40/50 years of your life with this '3rd person' in your marriage.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 19/11/2023 14:17

So just a bit of further context, I suspected what I did and I did earlier on in the 3 years went through his phone (I know that was wrong but my gut needed me to). Whatever I found then I was told it’s a normal healthy relationship with the ex and MY relationship with my ex was toxic.

So I just let it be. When things reared their head I asked him and he just played it down. I lost my phone last weekend and had to use his to call everyone to replace phone and while I was waiting I had a sneakily look, again gut instinct.
Initially i didn’t ask as I didn’t want to be called crazy or argumentative - it only came up when he ignored me the next day and he told me he didn’t want to be in my company as I don’t show him enough love and respect and I speak to him in an angry way. When I explained for the millionth time it’s because it’s how he makes me feel, invaluable in my own home and always prioritising her it escalated and everything came out - it’s only then he said sorry and said it’s nothing and then sent me that chat between them to prove he doesn’t love her and that is when via email I found out the further disrespect - he said he had nothing to hide hence he sent it. I believe it’s because he thinks he can convince me I’m the problem and can get away with it.
I’ve since asked him to leave as he moved in with me. He’s gone for the weekend, no doubt she knows where he is. He has blocked me on WhatsApp. The more responses I read the more confident I grow in how I do not deserve him. With no family support and being previously gaslighted I am not sure to trust my mind and feelings but I feel reassured now.

my only sadness is I brought another child into the world and have to raise 3 girls alone but at least I know I have value for myself and will teach the girls they need to too.
I just feel sad I wasn’t enough.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/11/2023 14:23

That was sad to read, OP. I wouldn't be happy either. Your husband's ex has a hold on him that you seemingly will never have - but you're his wife now.

I agree with PP that if his ex snapped her fingers, he would probably go back to her without looking back. As it is, he's in a nice position, isn't he? Wife and child at home and an ex who is enjoying herself lording it over you. A decent ex would respect the new arrangement (that you are his wife) and treat you with the respect that deserves. The pair of them are very much disrespecting you and, what is their incentive to stop it?

I would be thinking very carefully about what my next steps would be but, having a husband with one foot out of the door wouldn't be something that I could stomach.

I hope you have some good real life friends to talk this through with. Family is a bit too close, I think?

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 14:26

@Unknown987
It sounds as though she is his friend and confident. All of the information that you are objecting to his sharing with her, you are sharing with hundreds of strangers in a public forum. He might think of that as a tad bit disrespectful.

I don't see that as cheating, but I do think if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, you should leave. You owe to yourself not to remain in a situation that is having a negative effect on your life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/11/2023 14:28

I cross-posted with your update, OP. I can see how wretched you feel about things but never regret your children, they have you as their mum and they will be fine.

I'm really sorry that your husband is a spoilt, selfish arse. He will find out for himself how unattractive he is as a person when he is alone.

You are good enough and you will be happy again. Your husband has left the home, it's yours, and that's a very good thing. One foot in front of the other and keep doing that until it is normal and feels good... and it will

Best wishes to you, Flowers

PeppermintMandy · 19/11/2023 14:28

Bluntly…your marriage sounds shit. Whether he’s “cheating” or not (whatever you personally feel crosses the line into cheating) is irrelevant. What he says to you when you argue is unforgivable and you saying “mean things” back because your “triggered” is also unacceptable. It sounds like neither of you are actually emotionally mature and healed enough from your previous marriages to be with each other (or anyone else).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/11/2023 14:29

Mari9999, it's not even remotely similar. Mumsnet posters are strangers, the ex is somebody who is too invested in OP's relationship and is not a stranger.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/11/2023 14:36

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 14:26

@Unknown987
It sounds as though she is his friend and confident. All of the information that you are objecting to his sharing with her, you are sharing with hundreds of strangers in a public forum. He might think of that as a tad bit disrespectful.

I don't see that as cheating, but I do think if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, you should leave. You owe to yourself not to remain in a situation that is having a negative effect on your life.

You think what he’s doing is fine?

Christ.

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 14:50

@Hibiscrubbed
The question was is he cheating? I see no evidence that he is cheating. Generally, most people have a close friend on confident with whom they share personal and even intimate information. We don't get to choose or determine who that person is for anyone other than ourselves.

I don't think that the partner is in the wrong because his ex is his friend and confident. Nor do I think the OP is in the wrong for having her feelings. I do think that the OP is wrong for remaining in a situation that is causing her to be unhappy and uncomfortable.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2023 15:23

@Unknown987

as I don’t show him enough love and respect and I speak to him in an angry way

Which can be 'manspeak' for "You don't let me do exactly as I want, when I want", "You call me out on my bad behaviour", and/or "You have expectations of me that I do not want to fulfill". Only you can be the judge of his meaning in your situation.

momonpurpose · 19/11/2023 15:25

OP the fact that you are putting your value and children first in the middle of a storm says everything about what kind of person you are. You will be a wonderful role model for your children. Congratulations! It will ve hard sometimes but there's a better life for you and your children. Wishing you all the best

porridgeisbae · 19/11/2023 15:26

I think you're doing the right thing OP. How he was talking was inappropriate. x

Lavenderblue11 · 19/11/2023 15:31

CheekyChick876 · 19/11/2023 13:43

Why are you checking his messages?! If you got to that point you clearly don't trust him, so just break up!

....and she clearly can't trust him, she was looking for verification for how she feels and found it. At least she knows it's not all in her head, it's sad that she had to check his phone but I don't bloody blame her and I bet the majority of people here agree.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2023 15:31

@Unknown987

Meant to say....you were right to ask him to leave. But hopefully not just for the weekend. If you aren't ready to say 'forever' then I think you need to tell him he needs to stay away for at least 2 weeks. That will give you a bit of time to catch your breath, think things through, and hopefully make your decisions and your plans.

beatrix1234 · 19/11/2023 15:32

@Unknown987 What I am I to do? His ex kicked him out.

If you want a guy to never get over you: dump him (or cheat on him). Do that and you'll never get rid of them. If you go as far as giving them zero closure he'll be stalking you for life, he'll idealise you and will never fully be able to commit to the new woman because you'll always be in his head as he never got over it. I believe this is what's happening here. His ex has your partner by the balls unfortunately (that or he's a narcissist triangulating you with the ex?). You need to stop all this nonsense. Personally I would pack all his shyte in a suitcase, kick him out, call the ex and tell her "he's all yours Betty, enjoy".

What he's doing is completely unacceptable and I don't understand why you're putting up with it.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 19/11/2023 15:33

Can I just say to everyone who is taking their time in responding to my situation, your words are making me cry and make me feel listened to and heard!! Thank-you so much.
My girls are everything to me and I hope I do right by them.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 19/11/2023 15:38

Unknown987 · 19/11/2023 14:17

So just a bit of further context, I suspected what I did and I did earlier on in the 3 years went through his phone (I know that was wrong but my gut needed me to). Whatever I found then I was told it’s a normal healthy relationship with the ex and MY relationship with my ex was toxic.

So I just let it be. When things reared their head I asked him and he just played it down. I lost my phone last weekend and had to use his to call everyone to replace phone and while I was waiting I had a sneakily look, again gut instinct.
Initially i didn’t ask as I didn’t want to be called crazy or argumentative - it only came up when he ignored me the next day and he told me he didn’t want to be in my company as I don’t show him enough love and respect and I speak to him in an angry way. When I explained for the millionth time it’s because it’s how he makes me feel, invaluable in my own home and always prioritising her it escalated and everything came out - it’s only then he said sorry and said it’s nothing and then sent me that chat between them to prove he doesn’t love her and that is when via email I found out the further disrespect - he said he had nothing to hide hence he sent it. I believe it’s because he thinks he can convince me I’m the problem and can get away with it.
I’ve since asked him to leave as he moved in with me. He’s gone for the weekend, no doubt she knows where he is. He has blocked me on WhatsApp. The more responses I read the more confident I grow in how I do not deserve him. With no family support and being previously gaslighted I am not sure to trust my mind and feelings but I feel reassured now.

my only sadness is I brought another child into the world and have to raise 3 girls alone but at least I know I have value for myself and will teach the girls they need to too.
I just feel sad I wasn’t enough.

After this update I can tell you he sounds like a narcissist, he's been gaslighting you, triangulating you with the ex, devaluing you and whatnot. Her ex is one of his flying monkeys. It's a bit narc 1.0 text book what you describe here. You need to get rid if this guy asap. He sounds very toxic. Send him packing back to the ex as apparently she's "much better wife than you".

Flamingos89 · 19/11/2023 15:49

It’s emotional betrayal - he sounds like he does still have deep feelings for her.

I would give him a decision - either he lets this relationship go with his ex now and tells her their relationship will be different now - civil for the kids only. No texting about anything but the kids - no ‘talks’……. Or it’s over!!

If he chooses her atleast you have your self respect. You can’t be a with someone who is in love with their ex partner. Everyone deserves more than that.

Ucquestion202 · 19/11/2023 15:49

Think you’ve got to leave him OP

Livelovebehappy · 19/11/2023 16:04

He has shared history with her and they have shared children, I wouldnt be concerned about their banter about liking him better than other men, George Bailey etc. but I would have an issue about him sharing details about you with her. That’s disrespectful, and indicating that things with you aren’t great. It’s great when exes can still have a friendly relationship, because even though his dcs are adults, there’s still marriages, grandchildren etc to navigate, but you should tell him not to discuss details about you, or your marriage.

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 16:05

@Unknown987
There is a difference between having loving feelings toward the ex and being in love with an ex. If you cannot understand the former, then you should not stay and make yourself miserable. Your view of friendship and relationships may be different enough to make you incompatible. There is no reason to try to place blame on anything other different perspectives and points of view.

porridgeisbae · 19/11/2023 16:09

I wouldnt be concerned about their banter about liking him better than other men, George Bailey etc

I totally would as it's kind of nostalgic/romantic, at least from his side. If she were up for it he'd probably get off with her.

tells her their relationship will be different now - civil for the kids only.

I don't think he needs even tell her anything, he could just stop acting this way. She would get the hint as most of the inappropriate stuff is coming from him.

Emptyheadlock · 19/11/2023 16:09

Massively inappropriate and I think if she wanted him, he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

RadioTop · 19/11/2023 16:13

I dont think either of them necessarily want the other (nor would their relationship work, too much toxic history). However neither has moved on properly and they are enjoying the ego boost and excitement of the chase and push/pull.

I dont think it is worth it for you OP. Let them have each other....

Concannon88 · 19/11/2023 16:35

Jesus christ hes a dog. Sounds narcissistic and like you are a back up option. Wondering how you came to be married at all tbh. Hes betrayed your trust and yes it does sound like he still loves her. It's great when ex's who have children can still get on, but this level of contact is nuts and his kids are hardly children, he doesnt really need to contact her at all. I'd get rid.