Is my husband in love with his ex ? Or AIBU?

[Unknown987]

Long post please stay with me.

My husband and I are both divorcees married 3 years ago - both with children from previous marriage and both with traumatic previous marriage experiences.
My husband was with ex wife for 14 years - and I find their relationship uncomfortable. Maybe because I was cheated on so feelings are more heightened?
The ex and husband have a constant back and forth - bantering all the time on WhatsApp and always on the phone ‘regarding the kids’. Boys are 20 and 16.
I’ve always had a gut instinct that he was still in love with his ex but he convinced me never. However several things have happened in the 3 years that are making me question my sanity.
During my pregnancy he vanished after an argument and stayed out over 24 hours without contact and only rang his ex. She in turn told me and the rest of the family where he was.
he told me I was being unreasonable and it was in my head and nothing there.
He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum and never disrespected him like I do… tbh I can get really angry and say means things but in my defence that’s triggered by disrespect.
I recently looked at his messages this week after a hunch and they had been messaging back and forth about many things but he specifically said I know you like me the most from all the men you’ve been with and I’ll hold on to that. And other comments like I will always be your ‘George Bailey’ and stuff like I wish I had made the changes I’ve made now for you.
He also shared personal stuff about my family and ex to her and also told her about our arguments and other unnecessary stuff such as asking if she’s going to have any more kids etc.
Writing it all down now seems so stupid but I feel so hurt and disrespected like he’s pretending to be a different way with me.
What I am I to do? His ex kicked him out. His mum and family tell me he was obsessed with her as he forgave her for cheating on him and went back to her.
He tells me it’s nothing just banter and silly messages that didn’t mean anything BUT I feel so disrespected about the disloyalty and exposure of my life and the way he’s trying to convince himself she still likes him.
he’s moved in with me with my 2 girls from my previous marriage. He helps with childcare. Pays his half of bills and everything else. I know I’m overly sensitive.
Am I being unreasonable by saying this is cheating and wanting him to leave?

Well done. You’ve reacted well in a difficult situation and your actions demonstrate to your girls what a strong woman does when disrespected, gas lit and when valid concerns are minimised. You most certainly are enough - it’s him that is small and he has let you down. Hopefully he’s sitting a room somewhere rueing his plonkerish choices and waiting for you to cave in and invite him back. You, in contrast, have shown that you have self worth and really should be proud of yourself. Stay strong. 💐

But its upsetting her and hes cintu using to do it, he doesnf respect her and values his "banter" with the ex more

He’s massive dos respecting you .

I would never Ben anyone’s second best
Let then both get on with it .

I had to put my foot down with my late husband. His situation was similar - adult children and the ex had cheated.

He thought that they'd got to the situation of having a civilised relationship and would have chats with her about the kids and so on. This was when she was still with her affair partner - he'd refuse to have anything to do with him.

She knew the details of our wedding because one of her adult kids was in the bridal party. DH had let slip where we were going on honeymoon...

She told everyone she 'had to get away' from the wedding and went on holiday with her boyfriend.

After we got home from our honeymoon, we discovered she'd booked herself and her boyfriend into the 5 star sister hotel of our our 4 star honeymoon hotel. (Guests at our hotel shared facilities with the 5 star.)

We went to the 5 star once, but didn't like it, so we didn't go back. I'm afraid that the ex wasted her money.

You've done the right thing ending it. Whether he's cheating or not, there's too many arguments, no trust, disrespect on both sides and no basis for a solid marriage going forwards. Sounds like there was a lot of baggage from the start and better to recognise that and separate rather than bring your DCs up around it. Your youngest will be too little to remember this bit and you can hopefully co-parent better together when you're both settled in separate homes. Your DD will be the good thing that came out of this, but also a good reason to take more time for yourself to heal from both marriages and not look for someone else to bring into the mix for a good while. Take care of yourself.