To want to spend Christmas with my grown up children

[SaviourofSchoolUniform]

My bf of 18 months wants me to go to his family gathering on Christmas day. I want to spend it with my grown up children. I've hinted and sort of told them that I will probably spend the day at home. They seem to have taken great offence at this. I'm very close to my bfs family and see them twice a week usually. I'm happy for my bf to spend time with his family but apparently because he went to my family last year I "owe" him. I didn't make him go and see my family he agreed to come with me. I would have gone on my own.
I am due to go out on Boxing day with them which I think is a good compromise. They go to the pub on Xmas day and I suggested I could go with them to say merry Christmas etc. but now they are saying I should come for tea and stuff. This would be fine, but they've never met my children and to make them go to a house where they don't know anyone would make it awkward.
My bf has also suggested I leave them at home...ummm why would I do that? If the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't ditch his kids for me and I wouldn't expect him to. It's going to cause problems I can tell. I'm not very assertive and I know I'll be persuaded somehow.
To me it's one day of the year. I see them more than about a third of the year as it is and I rarely have all my children together.

We do it turn about. My family one year, his the next so I can see it from his pov. But our children come with us whichever family we go to. In your situation I would want to spend it with my children. I would do what you are doing but I see why he thinks it's his family's turn. He wants to spend Christmas with you rather than separately.

Why couldn't your adult children go to the pub to meet their mum's boyfriend's family for a drink? Less awkward than going round to their house.

Just to clarify last year was a special circumstance as my mum had Christmas off due to it being a weekend Christmas. She has worked at Christmas for the past 7 years. I also barely see my family as they live 300 miles away. I might see my mum once or twice a year, I don't see my dad and don't see my brother.
So the likelihood is I'll end up going to theirs for many Christmas' to come.

That's what I was thinking, but they couldn't go to my bfs sister's house as one has autism and he would just ruin it

YANBU!

To make any kind of call on this, we'd have to know lots more about all sorts of things, but, as a starting point, it does sound pretty reasonable to take turns in spending Christmas with different families once you are in a committed relationship with someone.
Of course, every family has all sorts of different circumstances, so we can't know if it is reasonable in your case, but it certainly doesn't sound un reasonable.

Choosing to spend Christmas with your children is ALWAYS a reasonable and valid choice.

what do your children want?

I know you say adult children, are we talking 35 year olds with their own lives and partners or 19/20, still living at home and with what you suggest might be additional needs?

How old are your DC? And do they have partners, children?

Its easy to say to take turns when it's about seeing an older generation.

But your own (adult) kids... they need to come first. In a few years they may have partners/kids of their own, so might not "need" Mum... but for now they do.

It's going to cause problems I can tell. I'm not very assertive and I know I'll be persuaded somehow.

So you’ve identified the problem (you’re not assertive about your own wants/needs/likes/dislikes) but you’re assuming the only option is to ‘be persuaded’ and regret your choice.

To BF’s family just say: I’ll come for one drink at the pub but then I’m going to see my DC/my DC are coming for dinner. I’m really looking forward to spending time with you all on Boxing Day.

To BF say: It’s really important to me to spend time with DC on Christmas Day. Come over Christmas Eve and I’ll come to the pub on Christmas Day for one. Love you.

Far better to spend it either your children in my view. Especially as you font see them often. Don't let you bf's family force you to go to the pub ir have them round. They don't actually sound that nice - anyone would get putting g theirs kids first so YANBU!

My children are 17, 20 and 21, 17 and 20 live at home. My eldest is at university. Last year and the year before she spent Christmas with her boyfriend. She now lives with him and so has said she sees him all the time, before they were at different unis so wants to come home for a day or two.
I don't live with my bf we have separate homes. He's spending Christmas eve with me and Christmas morning. So all I'm asking for is to spend the afternoon and evening with my kids.
It will be the first time in 3 years I've had all my children together under one roof.
His dad isn't well and he keeps guilt tripping me with the "this could be his last Christmas etc.
Because we don't live together it would mean me driving to the pub, driving to his sister's and then driving him home and then driving all my lot back to my house.
He won't allow my children to stay at his house.
I'm not very family orientated and don't understand the importance.
Every birthday/holiday/family event I have to attend with him which is fine, I love his family, but they get to see me much more than my own children do sometimes.
All I want is the afternoon to play games and watch crap on tv. If they had met my children it might make it easier.
FYI I have a very different way of bringing up my children than they do. They're very traditional and I'm more laid back. You might call me woke and a bit.of.a hippy. So my children are quite alternative should we say. Two are gay and and one is a goth...and they are proudly so.

it would mean me driving to the pub, driving to his sister's and then driving him home and then driving all my lot back to my house.

He wants the taxi service! Just go to the pub for a drink, Merry Christmas to all, see you all tomorrow, drive home and spend the afternoon with your kids.

It’s 100% perfectly reasonable.

Spending Christmas with my children would be non negotiable for me I'm afraid. OP, you need to put your foot down and learn to say no to your bf. Especially as one of them doesn't live at home and you see her rarely, please don't allow yourself to be guilt - tripped and emotionally manipulated. Good luck 🍀

Does your boyfriend usually browbeat you into doing what he wants instead of taking your own preferences seriously? He’s being so unreasonable about this that it makes me wonder if he’s somewhat controlling.

Agree with previous posters, that you meet for a drink at the pub & then spend the afternoon at home. BF can choose where he wants to spend the afternoon. I think that given you don’t live together, you don’t have any obligation to take turns about who’s family to spend Christmas with.

Also agree that he’s probably thinking about his taxi service. What would he say if you said you weren’t planning on driving because you wanted a few drinks?

You need to do what you want

You can spend Xmas where you want. No one should take offence if you've been polite about it. Its nice they want you to be there but no, this is your boundary to set and keep.

He's spending Christmas eve with me and Christmas morning. So all I'm asking for is to spend the afternoon and evening with my kids.

You main mistake here is having to “ask” to spend time with your kids, as if you need permission. You’re a grown woman with adult children. You make your own decisions. Your BF may not like your decision but that’s neither here nor there. Just tell them all properly, stop hinting and prevaricating.

I wouldn’t think of a 17 year old as a grown up adult when it’s my child at Christmas!

spend the time with your children op, if you don’t feel able to put yourself first then put them at the top of the tree.

Your boyfriend is being a real prick over this.

He can spend the day with his family, you can spend the day with yours. You don't live together; you each have a different household. You don't have to be together on Christmas Day and in your situation I would absolutely want to spend the day with the kids. They're your kids, grown-up or not, and it's totally reasonable that you'd prioritise them on Christmas Day - especially as two of them are still living with you, and the other has actually said she'd love to spend the day with you after spending the last couple of Christmases with her boyfriend.

You mention that you are not very assertive and honestly... your boyfriend sounds like a bit of bully. What do your children think of him? How long have you been together? Why won't he allow your kids to stay at his house, exactly?! Why are you letting him tell you what to do? Why do you have to see his family so often? You're letting this man walk all over you.

It sounds like you actually have almost nothing in common, and if you think his family will turn their noses up at your adult kids because they're gay or have an alternative look, then I don't know why you'd want anything to do with his family, with or without your kids being there. Why would you want to hang out with people who would judge your amazing kids?

Your boyfriend just wants a taxi. He doesn't sound very nice actually.

Crikey, your kids are barely adults. No way would I spend Christmas away from them. Agree with PP who said it sounds like your boyfriend just wants a lift!