Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my grown up children

83 replies

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 16/11/2023 23:08

My bf of 18 months wants me to go to his family gathering on Christmas day. I want to spend it with my grown up children. I've hinted and sort of told them that I will probably spend the day at home. They seem to have taken great offence at this. I'm very close to my bfs family and see them twice a week usually. I'm happy for my bf to spend time with his family but apparently because he went to my family last year I "owe" him. I didn't make him go and see my family he agreed to come with me. I would have gone on my own.
I am due to go out on Boxing day with them which I think is a good compromise. They go to the pub on Xmas day and I suggested I could go with them to say merry Christmas etc. but now they are saying I should come for tea and stuff. This would be fine, but they've never met my children and to make them go to a house where they don't know anyone would make it awkward.
My bf has also suggested I leave them at home...ummm why would I do that? If the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't ditch his kids for me and I wouldn't expect him to. It's going to cause problems I can tell. I'm not very assertive and I know I'll be persuaded somehow.
To me it's one day of the year. I see them more than about a third of the year as it is and I rarely have all my children together.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/11/2023 11:14

You can't blame him for letting others make decisions for you, we don't know the full picture but at least own your own decisions whatever you do

Namerequired · 17/11/2023 11:15

Your child are still young, not adults with families of their own. They still live at home. One isn’t even an adult.
You 100% should be spending it with them. It’s not the same as taking year about with each others extended families. Does he have children? He sounds hard work tbh. He’s out of order expecting you not to spend it with your children and to prioritise him.

saraclara · 17/11/2023 11:17

Two of your children live at home. So of course you spend Christmas together. You don't head off with your boyfriend and leave a 17 and 20 year old for the rest of the day. He should realise that, and see his family alone.

EvenBetta · 17/11/2023 11:19

'So all I'm asking for is to spend the afternoon and evening with my kids.'

No asking required. Tell your boyfriend that's what you'll be doing. It's not a complicated situation that requires explanation or permission.

Lochness1975 · 17/11/2023 11:25

Spend it with your children- Up to your bf what he wants to do. That’s what I’m saying to my bf if he asks me go to his family this year as he was at mine last year (year before we were at his as both my dc were at dads). I’m not ditching my dc on Christmas Day.

Velvian · 17/11/2023 11:26

100% spend it with your kids at home. You're seeing them the next day.

tuvamoodyson · 17/11/2023 11:26

Why would you ‘be persuaded’ to spend Christmas with your bf’s family when your children are at home? I’m sorry this may be his dads last Christmas, but he needs to spend it with his dad, why do you have to be there? It would be no contest for me, I’d spend it with my children, end of.🤷‍♀️

Elspethelf · 17/11/2023 11:32

YANBU. Prioritize your children.

IdealisticCynic · 17/11/2023 11:35

This is not a dilemma. Obviously spend Christmas with your children and have a lovely time together as your own family wish. I would leave a man who tried to put pressure on me not to.

Krankin · 17/11/2023 11:43

I'd be spending Christmas with my kids, because he would be an ex.
No bloke would ever come between me and my kids.

krustykittens · 17/11/2023 11:44

There is no question you should spend the day with your children, one of whom is not an adult, than driving your boyfriend around instead. TBH, OP, your update has red flags all over it. He sounds like a bully and one that does not like your children. Does he walways expect you to put him first?

DottieMoon · 17/11/2023 11:47

He sounds like a nasty prick.

Do not prioritise this man over your children. I would never leave my kids are are still living at home, aged 17 and 20 so one not being an adult and the other barely. I thought you were going to say they were in their 30's, living away!

He sounds like a controlling bully and you should get rid.

EvenBetta · 17/11/2023 11:50

Also, reconsider your taste in blokes, your boyfriend sounds shit, do you need to date him?

neverbeenskiing · 17/11/2023 11:52

Your BF sounds controlling and selfish. He wants you to spend Christmas ferrying him around for his convenience, no regard for what you want or need.

You do not need his permission to spend Christmas with your children, especially as two of them still live at home, one of them is still a child! The fact that he expects you to prioritise his family over your own children, who are not even welcome to stay at his house, is not normal in a relationship. It's really worrying that he has you questioning whether you're being unreasonable for wanting to put your own children first. They should automatically come first, always, and any decent man would expect that.

NotSorry · 17/11/2023 11:52

All my adult children will be at home for Christmas day this year and they are older than yours - they are 26, 25, 22 and 20 - 2 of them live in their own houses now and one is at uni so I can't wait for them all to be together with us - I wouldn't be allowing a boyfriend to dictate what I'm doing - especially as your youngest is only 17!

BadBarry · 17/11/2023 11:54

Please stick to your guns, you say you will probably be persuaded to change your mind!?
I's clear you want to see your children and put them first so please show them this by sticking to your plan and have a merry Christmas!
it would be quite sad for your children if you put them aside for a family you've only had in your life for the last 18 months.

Mum5net · 17/11/2023 12:06

Absolutely spend time with your lovely family and let BF make up his own arrangements. You don't live together. He won't allow your children to stay at his home. Stay firm and stay in your own house, and have a lovely time with them altogether.

AutumnCrow · 17/11/2023 12:10

So you already know he'll browbeat you into submission?

What on earth are you doing with this dreadful, manipulative man? Focus on your 17 year old sixth-former/college DC, maybe.

One day after you've broken up with Mr I-Need-A-Taxi, you'll have powerful regrets if you prioritise him over your kids this Xmas. You've only been with him for 18 months, fgs. And his 'dying' father is not your concern, not your problem - quite a hackneyed piece of emotional blackmail from him there.

Peridot1 · 17/11/2023 12:17

So your BF thinks it would be fine for you and he to swan off to his family/pub or whatever leaving your children at home on Christmas Day? And as your youngest is 17 I would class them as teens rather than grown up children. They may be growing up but having Christmas with their mother is still important.

He would be an ex if it was me. My children would come first.

HorseySurprise · 17/11/2023 12:20
  • You rarely see one of your children
  • You rarely have all your children together under one roof
  • Your youngest is only a teenager
  • You don't want to spend all your Christmas Day driving
  • The fact that it might be his father's last Christmas (has he actually been told this?) is emotional blackmail - you will see him on Boxing Day anyway
  • You didn't realise last year when he came to you that you were agreeing to a contract (you weren't)

All these are reasons why you want to spend Christmas afternoon and evening (if I've got it right) in your own house. Surely even he must see he is being unreasonable.

oneuponedown · 17/11/2023 12:25

It's absolutely reasonable to want to spend Christmas with your children any year regardless even more so in this case with them all home. I would definitely eve spending it with them and wouldn't think twice.

I understand you don't want to upset his side but the alternative is upsetting yours, spending Christmas frankly not how you want to and wishing you were at home with your dc and upsetting the Christmas probably imagined by your children particularly the one who is coming home this year and no doubt wants to spend time with you on Christmas Day itself. You really do just need to say that's what you're doing, no question. Pop into the pub for a quick drink if you want to but spend it how you and your children want x

Yeahno · 17/11/2023 12:28

Maybe you should reconsider this relationship. What kind of man pressures you to leave you children, your family, at home on Christmas day to spend time with him and his family. Why are you even asking him?

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 17/11/2023 12:33

Why does he not allow your children to stay at his house?

AutumnCrow · 17/11/2023 12:34

HorseySurprise · 17/11/2023 12:20

  • You rarely see one of your children
  • You rarely have all your children together under one roof
  • Your youngest is only a teenager
  • You don't want to spend all your Christmas Day driving
  • The fact that it might be his father's last Christmas (has he actually been told this?) is emotional blackmail - you will see him on Boxing Day anyway
  • You didn't realise last year when he came to you that you were agreeing to a contract (you weren't)

All these are reasons why you want to spend Christmas afternoon and evening (if I've got it right) in your own house. Surely even he must see he is being unreasonable.

Edited

That's a very good summary.

I think he definitely knows he's being unreasonable, hence his bringing the emotional blackmail of the poorly papa into the mix. The key thing for this guy is to get his own way.

And when he went to OP's family last year, he'll have wanted to do that. OP said she was fine to go on her own but he 'agreed' to go with her. That's because it will have suited him to do so. Now he's trying to pull OP away from her family bonds because of some dumb schema in his head. No-one else's schema - just his. It's selfish.

Whatonearth07957 · 17/11/2023 12:42

Good grief. Grow a backbone. Just say your spending it with DC. Looking forward to boxng day with them. Stay for a drink if You want to. Selfish On his part