AIBU to ask whether a very chatty 13 year old DC in class is 'normal' behaviour?

[Coldwater12]

Ever since DS was in Year 5, his reports have been a mix of: very bright, able and lovely - but so chatty and easily distracted/distracts others.

We are now in Year 8. The school he's at starts to do GCSES from year 9 and as well as his competence/ability, his attitude to learning will determine what sets he goes into next year.

Just got his progress report through. All except two subjects trots out the standard progress line that covers 'chats too much' or 'gets distracted' which essentially, is the same issue. Not on task. Not focussed.

He's really, really angry and upset with him. He says he tries, and that the report doesn't reflect how he sees himself.

I don't know what to think. There are a few things that might lead me to think he's got ADHD but nothing major. And he's doing well in his work.

I just feel frustrated. Is this normal for his age group? And if so, how can I help him to stay quiet?

Top sets, nice, and chatty and sociable - he sounds great! 👍🏻 Doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about

Does he game a lot, on the headset? I find Y8 is the peak for gaming, and it's common for boys who spend most of their evening narrating every thought out loud into the headset, to not be able to filter it at school.

When very able kids chat but still achieve well, the lesson flow keeps stopping to re-focus their attention or remind them to be quiet, which makes the less able ones have to work harder to stay in the flow. I see it every day.

Its absolutely the case.

Yes, everyone has some level of inability to focus on stuff they find boring, or distractibility, but the threshold for what makes it ADHD is a lot higher.

I have inattentive type ADHD, and it IS debilitating, i haven't been able to pick up a book in months, because i can't focus on it.. even the ones i WANT to read, i read a paragraph and it doesn't go in, so i read it again, same thing.. i can read it 3 times and still not tell you ANYTHING that was on that page, because i can't focus on it... and during this the tiniest thing will catch my attention, and i can find myself the other end of the house with a banana i picked up somewhere wondering wtf happened becasue 5 minutes ago i was sat reading a book...

Yes it sounds silly, but its very like that.

Now imagine that in a school environment? I love english, i could get A* all day long on a text i enjoyed, but if the next project is one that doesn't interest me? i won't be able to produce a single word of writing or homework.

He does game - maybe 1 hour a day? Or so. He doesn't use a headset, but he has his friends on WA on speaker while they all game and he chats all the way through.

I totally get the disruption to others. I have said this repeatedly to him for many years. It's not respecting others - and he might be able to learn while he's chatting, but others might not be

That's an interesting one... he does get and do his homework even for subjects he doesn't particularly like. He does read - he's just finished a book he really enjoyed in a few days, which is pretty quick for him.

I have to cajole him to do this stuff, but he also does care

Oh come on

30 kids in a class? The standard of behaviour has to be such that all 30 of those kids can get something learned or practised in every lesson.

I have adhd. It does really impair me in so many ways. It makes life incredibly difficult.

But yes, I can hyperfocus on certain things once I get interested in them... to the the point that I will avoid eating/sleeping/basic self care because I'm so caught up in them. And yes, I find it almost impossible sometimes to make myself do tasks that don't catch my attention.

I get that it sounds like I just can't be arsed, but honestly, my life would be so much easier if I could get the basic stuff done without a major struggle. I think it's probably hard to understand if you haven't lived it... it's like a kind of paralysis sometimes, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to get yourself to do what you need to do.

Does he get in-class reprimands/sanctions for being chatty or is it just a comment on a report? What level of chatty is he? Is it at the beginning of a lesson and he then settles fine and gets on with learning? Or is it continuous throughout lessons? If school haven't flagged it at any other time than on a report it would suggest he is just a normal year 8 boy, who likes to chat and that's something his teachers know about him. If they have been continually raising the issue with you beyond on a report then that would be more of a concern.

No other reprimands/sanctions other than occasional behaviour point - but v occasional. Picked to represent school on other occasions

Sounds like it isn't a major issue to be honest. If he isn't getting frequent behaviour points or even being sent out of the classroom or parked in isolation then I doubt he is majorly disruptive. Just a typical year 8 really, they (and year 9) are generally more full of beans and less full of self-awareness than the older years. Sounds like he knows it's an area of weakness for himself and as he gets a bit more mature he will probably reign it in a bit. No harm in a bit of an incentive to be more aware of it now, perhaps some form of reward for a week/fortnight/term without getting pulled up for it? A bit of carrot over stick?

Imo, there's nothing 'wrong' with those who are neurodiverse either!

I was that kid at school, but always had been - my parents were over it by secondary school, like yes she's bright but yes we know she talks too much and gets distracted! If he's like me, it's just who he is and the good teachers get it.

I'm educated to Masters Level so it hasn't held me back!

If he isn't constantly in trouble at school (detention, letters home or whatever) then is it really a problem? If the shcool really believe he is acting in a way detrimental to the other pupils they need to discipline him accordingly.
They don't seem to be. So I would relax. You are already reinforcing the message of being respectful. Not sure you need to do much more.

I’ve got first year undergrads who can’t keep quiet. I manage it by running interactive sessions that give them plenty of opportunity to speak, move around etc mixed in with short, sharp bursts of listening to me. It’s generally the young men who have just turned 18. The mature students (and the young women) don’t seem to have this issue.

Couldn’t have put it better myself. Teachers will only comment on things that are issues.

It really does impair you. While we don’t relish tedious tasks most of us who do not have ADHD can force ourselves to do them, but it is close to impossible for those with diagnosed ADHD. Stimulant meds work for ADHD as they stimulate the brain to respond to tasks which it would not be wired to manage naturally.

The regulation of attention explanation above comes from the work of Dr. Russell Barkley, who is probably the worldwide expert on ADHD. His videos on YouTube are excellent.

Let me correct that for you- ‘Teachers prefer the quiet studious types AND the sparky ones who put their hand up and stay on task to the disruptive ones who are chatting to their mates when they’re supposed to be listening or who shout out and don’t give others a chance to answer’

'Being chatty' is low level disruption, the scurge of the classroom,. He is disrespectful and selfish to his peers and his teacher,