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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Slept with my brothers friend - help!

65 replies

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:07

Hello. I am 32 years old (single for three years after a ten year relationship and can count my sexual partners on one hand) and my brother is 26. We are extremely close (live and socialise together).

About a year ago he introduced me to a new friend of his also 26 (attractive young man who openly flirts with most women but is harmless). Over the space of a few months this friend was coming over more and we all started going out together. After a few drinks we would flirt a bit and my brother said it made him feel uncomfortable so we stopped.
However… after one evening out we ended up sharing a bed and one thing led to another. I felt guilty and told my brother the truth because i knew how he felt and didn’t want him to find out from anyone else, he was angry and made us promise not to do it again to which we agreed.
However…a few months later the same thing happened and my brother suspected it so asked and we told him the truth again. He was fuming and said he couldn’t be friends with the guy any more because it’s “bro code” and if we were going to be in a relationship he would have no problem but not just sex. I did tell him I liked the friend so I think he is also trying to protect me from being used because it’s obviously just sex for his friend.
The fact is I am grown woman and fully aware nothing romantic will ever happen between me and this young man, he has never led me on or lied to me to get me to sleep with him and he openly talks about other women. We have actually developed quite a nice friendship and nothing is awkward between us. I feel like I should be able to make the call myself even if I was madly in love with him.
My brother has also said he doesn’t want me speaking to the friend anymore either which is difficult because he is very upset at losing my brothers friendship and because I feel somewhat responsible I don’t think it would be right to just cut him off? We wouldn’t meet up with out my brother just phone calls/messages.
I guess my question is am I a horrible sister for putting my selfish wants over my brothers friendship when I knew how he felt or does my brother need to grow up and understand he can’t tell two single consenting adults what they can or can’t do? Many thanks x x

OP posts:

CatOnTheCludgy · 15/11/2023 21:08

You sound thoughtful for your brother. Your brother however sounds like an idiot.

WeighDownOnMe · 15/11/2023 21:09

Your brother needs to grow up.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 15/11/2023 21:12

Your brother is being weird. Very weird.

it woukd be understandable if his friend was leading you on & you were each telling your brother different things. But you're not.

Smugandproud · 15/11/2023 21:14

'Bro code,' bless him.

He's a bit of a plonker your db, tell him to grow up.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/11/2023 21:15

Bro code = men deciding who women are allowed to have sex with.

Your brother needs to grow up, it's none of his business.

GabriellaMontez · 15/11/2023 21:16

Your brother thinks he's your owner...

Set him straight.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/11/2023 21:19

I’d be telling your brother to fuck off. You’re a 32 year old woman! You can sleep with who you want. Use him for sex, fall in love, bin him after six months, marry him, the world is your oyster, do want you want. I could see his point if he was 26 and you were 17, but you’re 32!!!

MinnieL · 15/11/2023 21:21

Your brother needs to get several a grip

Helenahandkart · 15/11/2023 21:22

Your brother’s being a bit controlling. One of the benefits of having a brother is the endless supply of friends you can have your way with! My brother just rolled his eyes at me when I flirted with his mates.

VeryGoodVeryNice · 15/11/2023 21:26

The second one.

MarryingMrDarcy · 15/11/2023 21:26

You’re not a horrible sister - your brother is being weirdly controlling. He doesn’t get to say who you sleep with!

fruitbrewhaha · 15/11/2023 21:29

Jesus, does your brother think he owns you? Very odd.

Allinadayswork80 · 15/11/2023 21:31

Your brother sounds a bit immature, of course you’re a grown consenting woman and his friend is a grown consenting man. You both sound very sensible with your expectations and have both been entirely truthful with your brother. It’s not as if what’s happened has caused any ill feeling or anyone is being led on.

snowlady4 · 15/11/2023 21:33

As everyone else has said, it's damn all to do with your brother. I would stop telling him about your sex life if he gets upset about what/who you're doing!
Enjoy the sex, maybe it will progress to something more, maybe not. It's upto the two of you. Your brother is making it much weirder than it needs to be!
It's only sex. You're both single. It happens!

Birdcar · 15/11/2023 21:36

You've done nothing wrong.

The root of the problem, I think, is that you're too old to be living with your brother.

You both need to get your own lives.

AngeloMysterioso · 15/11/2023 21:36

Just repeating that your brother has absolutely no business dictating who you or his friend may or may not have sex with.

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/11/2023 21:36

I'm going to differ from most responses.

Your brother has a friendship with this man. If you and he get involved, and it goes tits up, then that affects your brother. He then has to choose who's side to take, his sister or his friend.

Hes willing to accept the risk if you were wanting a relationship, bit that's not what you want. So you want to risk your brother's relationship for the sake of a shag.

You're putting your brother in an awkward position for the sake of a shag. Do you really blame him for being annoyed?

minou123 · 15/11/2023 21:40

I'm going to go against the grain.

I don't think you a horrible sister and I don't think there is a 'bro code'.
But I do think there is a 'sibling code'.

He explained it made him feel uncomfortable and you clearly love him, but sort of ignored his feelings.
This was his friend and he was just being honest about how he felt.

I get his point about, if this was.relationship and you were in love with each other, he probably wouldn't mind.
But as this is just a fuck buddy/FWB situation, there are loads of men out there you can pick, just not his friend.

Presumably, if it was the other way round and your brother was having sex with one of your friends, you wouldn't mind.
But if it made you feel uncomfortable, wouldn't you like your brother to take your feelings into account and pick one of millions of other women out there to be a FWB?

I have a sister and a brother, and if either one said they were uncomfortable with me having sex with their friends, then I would stop.
My relationship with my siblings is far more important than having sex with some guy.

Just my thoughts.

Original poster

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:42

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/11/2023 21:36

I'm going to differ from most responses.

Your brother has a friendship with this man. If you and he get involved, and it goes tits up, then that affects your brother. He then has to choose who's side to take, his sister or his friend.

Hes willing to accept the risk if you were wanting a relationship, bit that's not what you want. So you want to risk your brother's relationship for the sake of a shag.

You're putting your brother in an awkward position for the sake of a shag. Do you really blame him for being annoyed?

No I completely appreciate this and do feel guilt. But the truth is I did like the guy it wasn't quite "just a shag" but I did know it was for the friend. Also I had made it clear to my brother that no matter what happened I would never have made him choose between me and this friend as I knew the situation I was getting myself into. I would have suffered the consequences and just let them have their friendship. It's more that he feels his friend should have respected him more he doesn't hold it as much against me.

OP posts:

TerfinUSB · 15/11/2023 21:43

Your brother is being a dick. He doesn't get to make the rules.

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 21:43

It's not about you to your brother, it's about his friend. Every moment related to sex that now comes up between them will trigger thoughts of him "fucking my sister". The friendship is fucked forever basically. Pretty much the same headfuck as finding out your partner cheated...he's visualising it. Even worse if they treat sex as a sport...

Really diplomatically tricky.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 15/11/2023 21:43

He does come across a bit controlling, yes, however, I also agree that it’s an awkward situation for him, it’s his mate and his sister.

I’d definitely feel awkward if my mate was shagging my brother but I can’t place why exactly, I just would! But also, your brother knows his mate well I presume? Maybe he’s got form for dickhead behaviour and he’s trying to protect you from getting hurt?

I think your brother is getting a hard time here, perhaps it’s because it’s many women’s fantasy to shag their brothers mate 😂

LakeTiticaca · 15/11/2023 21:45

Bollocks to the bro code whatever that is. You are both consenting adults and you like each other.

Tell your controlling brother to butt out of your life

Dacadactyl · 15/11/2023 21:46

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/11/2023 21:36

I'm going to differ from most responses.

Your brother has a friendship with this man. If you and he get involved, and it goes tits up, then that affects your brother. He then has to choose who's side to take, his sister or his friend.

Hes willing to accept the risk if you were wanting a relationship, bit that's not what you want. So you want to risk your brother's relationship for the sake of a shag.

You're putting your brother in an awkward position for the sake of a shag. Do you really blame him for being annoyed?

I agree with this.

I also think that your brother might know about how his friend treats his FWB and doesn't want the same thing to happen with his own sister...altho it does beg the question why is he still OK with the friend doing it to others.

Redglitter · 15/11/2023 21:46

Your brother needs to grow up.

Bro code? What is he 15 or a would be gangster

You're both single consenting adults. You & he decide what if anything happens next. Your brother doesn't get a vote

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