Slept with my brothers friend - help!

[scarlett88]

Hello. I am 32 years old (single for three years after a ten year relationship and can count my sexual partners on one hand) and my brother is 26. We are extremely close (live and socialise together).

About a year ago he introduced me to a new friend of his also 26 (attractive young man who openly flirts with most women but is harmless). Over the space of a few months this friend was coming over more and we all started going out together. After a few drinks we would flirt a bit and my brother said it made him feel uncomfortable so we stopped.
However… after one evening out we ended up sharing a bed and one thing led to another. I felt guilty and told my brother the truth because i knew how he felt and didn’t want him to find out from anyone else, he was angry and made us promise not to do it again to which we agreed.
However…a few months later the same thing happened and my brother suspected it so asked and we told him the truth again. He was fuming and said he couldn’t be friends with the guy any more because it’s “bro code” and if we were going to be in a relationship he would have no problem but not just sex. I did tell him I liked the friend so I think he is also trying to protect me from being used because it’s obviously just sex for his friend.
The fact is I am grown woman and fully aware nothing romantic will ever happen between me and this young man, he has never led me on or lied to me to get me to sleep with him and he openly talks about other women. We have actually developed quite a nice friendship and nothing is awkward between us. I feel like I should be able to make the call myself even if I was madly in love with him.
My brother has also said he doesn’t want me speaking to the friend anymore either which is difficult because he is very upset at losing my brothers friendship and because I feel somewhat responsible I don’t think it would be right to just cut him off? We wouldn’t meet up with out my brother just phone calls/messages.
I guess my question is am I a horrible sister for putting my selfish wants over my brothers friendship when I knew how he felt or does my brother need to grow up and understand he can’t tell two single consenting adults what they can or can’t do? Many thanks x x

This cracked me up thank you 🤣

I have some degree of sympathy for your brother. I suspect that at least some of those condemning him would have some degree of discomfort if, whenever they had a certain friend over, the friend had casual sex with their brother.

On the one hand your brother has no say over your sex life but I can imagine him being reluctant to keep inadvertently arranging hookups for you.

Why are you responsible for placating your brothers discomfort in your sex life?

This to me makes it worse.

You know you're not compatible with this man, you know a relationship is not on the cards, and yet you're still willing to bollox up your brother's relationship with his friend for a shag.

I guarantee you aren't going to struggle to find someone to have sex with, so find someone else.

My brother and I are very close. He ended up in a relationship with one of my best friends. He never asked me to get involved and neither did she but when the relationship eventually broke down, it became impossible not to be impacted by it. I never got involved in their drama but to watch the change in them both and the pain the break up caused was really difficult. Especially as my best friend wasn’t particularly nice to my brother and even though he didn’t ask me to take sides or get involved, I saw how broken he was and couldn’t help but feel frustrated towards my friend. I didn’t say anything directly apart from when she made one comment to me and I responded to defend my brother. Our friendship did recover eventually but things were not the same for a long time and I felt really stuck in the middle even though they both assured me at the start I wouldn’t. I completely agree, you are both consenting adults and can do what you want but ultimately your brother will feel stuck in the middle whether intentionally or not.

@scarlett88 One would presume your brother would be happy for you

I think the fact you refer to him as the ‘young man’ is abit telling. 26 and 32 is not ridiculous- you are both adults. Clearly not much of an emotional connection there….

Your brother is upset because his friend is using you and has probably seen how it’s played out for many other women.

If he is usually a loving and caring brother I’d take him at his word and just STOP!!

That said - it’s also non of his business - so do what you want! Absolutely he is not the boss of you. But I think he is just trying to warn you in abit of a weird way personally and doesn’t know how to speak to you about it properly.

If it’s just sex and not going to be a relationship then cast your net a bit wider. Casual sex does not work as a concept if it’s someone in your brother’s close friendship circle. You sound a bit naïve to how awkward this is going to get for all of you.

No in hindsight I completely agree it's just hard when there's an attraction but will take on board your comment about naivety I have to look at the long term effects x

Absolutely I'm not an idiot and know my brother well so can read between the lines. I just need to not let my emotions run away with me. I know my brother loves me and wants what's best for me but also feels betrayed by his friend.
It's a tricky one but I am old enough to know better x

Your brother needs to understand that you’re both grown adults who can make their own decisions about who to have relationships with, and how to conduct them.

@Bobbotgegrinch completely agree with what you've said and read your responses to my brother...he likes you very much 🤣

@Ohtobetwentytwo I know I'm not but I think it's the fact he made it clear it would make him uncomfortable and unable to have a friendship with the guy. Because he knows I probably have more feelings than he does...if it's not going to come to anything it's probably not wise for me to be sleeping with him?

@Duckingella thank you. I think it's because I know full well there's no potential of a relationship and so does everyone else he feels like why would you do that knowing how I feel about it?

Your brother is a childish bully who has absolutely NO right to tell you who you can and can't sleep with. It's none of his business. Tell him to fuck off.