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Original poster

Slept with my brothers friend - help!

65 replies

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:07

Hello. I am 32 years old (single for three years after a ten year relationship and can count my sexual partners on one hand) and my brother is 26. We are extremely close (live and socialise together).

About a year ago he introduced me to a new friend of his also 26 (attractive young man who openly flirts with most women but is harmless). Over the space of a few months this friend was coming over more and we all started going out together. After a few drinks we would flirt a bit and my brother said it made him feel uncomfortable so we stopped.
However… after one evening out we ended up sharing a bed and one thing led to another. I felt guilty and told my brother the truth because i knew how he felt and didn’t want him to find out from anyone else, he was angry and made us promise not to do it again to which we agreed.
However…a few months later the same thing happened and my brother suspected it so asked and we told him the truth again. He was fuming and said he couldn’t be friends with the guy any more because it’s “bro code” and if we were going to be in a relationship he would have no problem but not just sex. I did tell him I liked the friend so I think he is also trying to protect me from being used because it’s obviously just sex for his friend.
The fact is I am grown woman and fully aware nothing romantic will ever happen between me and this young man, he has never led me on or lied to me to get me to sleep with him and he openly talks about other women. We have actually developed quite a nice friendship and nothing is awkward between us. I feel like I should be able to make the call myself even if I was madly in love with him.
My brother has also said he doesn’t want me speaking to the friend anymore either which is difficult because he is very upset at losing my brothers friendship and because I feel somewhat responsible I don’t think it would be right to just cut him off? We wouldn’t meet up with out my brother just phone calls/messages.
I guess my question is am I a horrible sister for putting my selfish wants over my brothers friendship when I knew how he felt or does my brother need to grow up and understand he can’t tell two single consenting adults what they can or can’t do? Many thanks x x

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 15/11/2023 21:47

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:42

No I completely appreciate this and do feel guilt. But the truth is I did like the guy it wasn't quite "just a shag" but I did know it was for the friend. Also I had made it clear to my brother that no matter what happened I would never have made him choose between me and this friend as I knew the situation I was getting myself into. I would have suffered the consequences and just let them have their friendship. It's more that he feels his friend should have respected him more he doesn't hold it as much against me.

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I don't think your intention matters. Whether of not you'd have wanted him to choose a side, he'll feel the need to anyway.

The phrase "Don't shit where you eat" exists for a reason. There are an almost infinite number of men out there, why choose the one who has a relationship with your sibling?

Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:48

minou123 · 15/11/2023 21:40

I'm going to go against the grain.

I don't think you a horrible sister and I don't think there is a 'bro code'.
But I do think there is a 'sibling code'.

He explained it made him feel uncomfortable and you clearly love him, but sort of ignored his feelings.
This was his friend and he was just being honest about how he felt.

I get his point about, if this was.relationship and you were in love with each other, he probably wouldn't mind.
But as this is just a fuck buddy/FWB situation, there are loads of men out there you can pick, just not his friend.

Presumably, if it was the other way round and your brother was having sex with one of your friends, you wouldn't mind.
But if it made you feel uncomfortable, wouldn't you like your brother to take your feelings into account and pick one of millions of other women out there to be a FWB?

I have a sister and a brother, and if either one said they were uncomfortable with me having sex with their friends, then I would stop.
My relationship with my siblings is far more important than having sex with some guy.

Just my thoughts.

Edited

No thank you for this - I can where your coming from. It's only because there was no uncomfortableness between me and the friend it seemed slightly controlling and even if things went badly I would never have made my brother choose. I even suggested a don't ask don't tell situation just incase it happened again.

OP posts:
YoureALizardHarry11 · 15/11/2023 21:50

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:42

No I completely appreciate this and do feel guilt. But the truth is I did like the guy it wasn't quite "just a shag" but I did know it was for the friend. Also I had made it clear to my brother that no matter what happened I would never have made him choose between me and this friend as I knew the situation I was getting myself into. I would have suffered the consequences and just let them have their friendship. It's more that he feels his friend should have respected him more he doesn't hold it as much against me.

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To me, this also matters a lot to the context. To you, it wasn’t just a shag, but you said previously that to him it was. That’s the difference. You’re getting feelings for someone who is using you. I’m with your brother, although in the minority 🤣

Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:53

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 21:43

It's not about you to your brother, it's about his friend. Every moment related to sex that now comes up between them will trigger thoughts of him "fucking my sister". The friendship is fucked forever basically. Pretty much the same headfuck as finding out your partner cheated...he's visualising it. Even worse if they treat sex as a sport...

Really diplomatically tricky.

This is almost word for word what my brother said .

OP posts:
Blondebutnotlegally · 15/11/2023 21:53

Bro code 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Coconutter24 · 15/11/2023 21:56

It also could be your brother is trying to protect you from his friend, he knows you like him and has said if you were to have a relationship he’d be ok with that but he’s uncomfortable and not happy about it being just sex. Does your brother know his friend is sleeping about and you are just another person to sleep with? You said it’s just sex for the friend but you like him so why risk putting yourself in a situation to get hurt

Devilsmommy · 15/11/2023 21:56

Helenahandkart · 15/11/2023 21:22

Your brother’s being a bit controlling. One of the benefits of having a brother is the endless supply of friends you can have your way with! My brother just rolled his eyes at me when I flirted with his mates.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

minou123 · 15/11/2023 21:59

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:48

No thank you for this - I can where your coming from. It's only because there was no uncomfortableness between me and the friend it seemed slightly controlling and even if things went badly I would never have made my brother choose. I even suggested a don't ask don't tell situation just incase it happened again.

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even if things went badly I would never have made my brother choose

That's the thing, he's your brother, of course if things go badly, he will choose you.
You can make promises that you'll never make him choose, but he naturally will have to and of course it will be you.

Sibling relationships are weird in the sense, they don't follow the "rules" of other relationships.

I get on great with my sister and brother. We make a joke of it, but we can say the most horrible shit to each other. But if anyone says anything horrible to any one of us, we naturally back each other (even if we think the other person may have a point) 😁

Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 22:00

Coconutter24 · 15/11/2023 21:56

It also could be your brother is trying to protect you from his friend, he knows you like him and has said if you were to have a relationship he’d be ok with that but he’s uncomfortable and not happy about it being just sex. Does your brother know his friend is sleeping about and you are just another person to sleep with? You said it’s just sex for the friend but you like him so why risk putting yourself in a situation to get hurt

Yes I think you are right. I am only human and it's difficult when you are attracted to someone. But I'm finding everyone responses very helpful.

OP posts:
ScrubMommy · 15/11/2023 22:00

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 21:43

It's not about you to your brother, it's about his friend. Every moment related to sex that now comes up between them will trigger thoughts of him "fucking my sister". The friendship is fucked forever basically. Pretty much the same headfuck as finding out your partner cheated...he's visualising it. Even worse if they treat sex as a sport...

Really diplomatically tricky.

I shagged my brother's friend, then married him. It was thirty years ago and they are still mates now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Remagirl · 15/11/2023 22:03

Tell your bro to mind his own fucking business 🧏🏻‍♀️

YoureALizardHarry11 · 15/11/2023 22:03

ScrubMommy · 15/11/2023 22:00

I shagged my brother's friend, then married him. It was thirty years ago and they are still mates now 🤷🏻‍♀️

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But that’s the difference. You married him. In this case, it seems like the friend is using the sister while she has feelings for him.

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/11/2023 22:09

I've got 4 older brothers. The days when they felt able to police my sex life are long gone. I don't interfere with their sexual activities, and I certainly wouldn't appreciate their involvement in mine.

I've got an older sister too. Same rules apply.
On the very odd occasion I'm asked for my input, I'll give it - otherwise, it's nothing to do with me.

Are other siblings all getting a say in each other's sex lives?

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 22:10

scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 21:53

This is almost word for word what my brother said .

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Wow! Okay...I am NOT your brother, you've not been spotted!

I worked for many years with very vulnerable people. The amount of staff we lost because they paid no heed to professional boundaries and shagged people we were supposed to act professionally towards does make me see this situation from the same angle of 'look, don't touch' and previous personal circumstances give me the rest...

But, while I completely get your brother's feelings, it doesn't give me any negative judgement towards either of you. You aren't in the situational circumstances I view it from and you had consensual fun. I just feel for your brother as it's changed his relationships with you both.

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 22:13

ScrubMommy · 15/11/2023 22:00

I shagged my brother's friend, then married him. It was thirty years ago and they are still mates now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

That's quite the price for forgiveness from a mate 🤣

(Joke! Congratulations!!!)

Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 22:17

Yes it's a very tricky situation and I appreciate every ones input I have definitely told him to grow up And keep his beak out 🤣 However I do also see the sides that if I know this guy doesn't have any long term intentions and I may be getting feelings why would I do something to upset my brother. I'm new to Mumsnet so forgive me if I don't reply I'm struggling to figure out how to reply to people more than once 🤦🏻‍♀️ but thanks again everyone what a lovely community!

OP posts:
Escapefromhell · 15/11/2023 22:19

it is absolutely non or your brother’s business. He doesn’t own you. Why are you discussing any of this with him.

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 22:20

I think he is going to have to propose.

Cosycover · 15/11/2023 22:22

Ask him why he is taking such an interest in your sex life.

I'd seriously fall out with my brother if he tried to pull this shit on me.

Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 22:22

Escapefromhell · 15/11/2023 22:19

it is absolutely non or your brother’s business. He doesn’t own you. Why are you discussing any of this with him.

I get what you are saying and I would never normally discuss my personal life with my brother it was just because it was his close friend and I didn't want him to feel even more betrayed if he found out another way. Maybe your right tho🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlett88 · 15/11/2023 22:26

Damnloginpopup · 15/11/2023 22:20

I think he is going to have to propose.

What's worse the guy irritates the hell out of me 99% of the time I know in my heart we wouldn't be compatible in a romantic relationship! Darn physical attraction 🤦🏻‍♀️ I Guess this is why lust is a sin 🤣

OP posts:
Mischance · 15/11/2023 22:29

Here we have 3 grown ups, all of whom are free to live their lives as they choose. If you choose to have a relationship with this man, it is your choice and not your brother's.

Backtomyoldname · 15/11/2023 22:37

I can see some aspects of discomfort, in your brother’s mind, with your relationship with his friend.

But….

You are your own person - there are aspects of his behaviour/attitude that look controlling.

Has he been on holiday/shown an unhealthy interest in Saudi Arabia?

Duckingella · 15/11/2023 22:42

He's your brother not an ex boyfriend;his behaviour is really odd;I doubt you'd have an issue with him having fun with one of your friends.

You're all adults here;I don't see the issue;isn't this the way many relationships start? eg a friend of a family member or a friends/colleagues family member;you meet them and hit it with off with them and the rest is history.

DisappearingGirl · 15/11/2023 22:45

Hmm, I mean you've done nothing wrong and on paper it's none of your brother's business.

But if my brother started a FWB situation with one of my friends, I would find that a bit weird. Especially if I lived with my brother. I wouldn't be able to help thinking, oh here's so-and-so come over to shag my brother - eww. Whereas if they were actually going out with each other then they would be my brother's girlfriend which would be different. So I can understand your brother finding it a bit weird.