Considering giving up work or going part time

[caln]

I'm running myself into the ground quite frankly and I don't recognise myself anymore.

We have two kids under 4 in nursery full time.

I have a full time job from home ( mostly ). I travel internationally a couple of times a quarter. My job is high pressured, results driven and cut throat. But pays well.

My H has a job that keeps him away for the entire week usually and sometimes also one day at the weekend.

Household tasks are shared as follows ( roughly ) :

H does bills and admin, garage/ garden / bins

I do everything else and also have a cleaner once a week thankfully

On a daily basis I'm responsible for the children day and night unless they're at nursery ( including sick days ). Night time is also completely me, by myself.

My health isn't the best and I don't feel like I'm looking after myself. I just don't have time. In addition to all of this, I also find that I procrastinate endlessly and find focusing on work a daily struggle. This means I allocate a lot more hours to tasks and in turn, I don't make good use of my time. For example if I was more organised I could exercise regularly during the working day ( at lunch or before picking up my kids ). I've tried that but my work really suffers.

In any case. I feel like I'm really running myself into the ground. My H's job cannot change and he makes more money than I do at the moment.

I feel like if I went part time or just packed it in until the kids are born at preschool and school full time. 18 months way, things could be easier for me and I could resume ? Is that even possible ?

I'm just so run down and I can't see anything changing with my H contribution to our lives. He has his own business which is really taking off. I have a good, well paid career, but it's been challenging the last couple of years in my industry and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere recently.

Has anyone gone part time or packed corporate work in for a while, when the kids were small ? I think two big careers with small kids is a difficult thing to juggle and I've got the short straw. So why the fuck bother.

Is anyone out theeeeereeeee

We’ve got two “big” jobs - doctor and lawyer. I don’t think it works without a FT nanny and even with a nanny I feel exhausted most of the time. FT work and kids is hard. That said, it sounds as though your H could do more to support you.

But YWNBU to give up or go part time. What would the impact on your career be long-term?

I stopped working for 3 years and I was worried about the impact on my career but I'm now back at work, part time and hybrid, earning more than I was pre-break.

Honestly? You can't have it all and there's a lot more to life than stress, even if it does mean you get a few luxuries.

And then there's the additional stress a busy life has in little children. I know it's not a welcome view to everybody, but young children thrive when they have quality time with their loving parents. It sounds like your whole household would benefit from slowing down a little and coming back in to being family focused.

People have career breaks all the time. If you can afford to, absolutely take your foot off the pedal for a little while and reconnect with yourself and the kids. You've for decades left to work full time.

I wouldn't choose to become an adult dependent. You never know.

Especially with him being self-employed.

Does your place at work offer the one year parental leave break? This might be enough to get you almost to school ? I think people really underestimate how hard it can be to get back in. You’ve worked really hard for your career , maybe try and put it on ice rather than walking away more permanently?

I tried full time with one young DC in a busy and stressful job and it just didn’t work, after my second I reduced my hours to 21 for a few months and then up to 30. I’m often tired still but it’s doable. Admittedly my career has plateaued as I don’t work late, I can’t take on more responsibility etc but I’m ok with that for the time I get with my DC

if you’re allowed to cut down your hours to part time so maybe 3 days a week, that would sound like the ideal scenario as you’re not giving up work in that sense.
The other option is if you can request a one year unpaid parental leave and then it’ll be a few months for them both to be in school. Otherwise, pay for as many things that you can like cleaner, nanny, housekeeper, even those meal plans if it’ll make life easy etc so you just focus on looking after yourself and your children.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar life position, complete with having zero time for hobbies or self care. I try to remind myself that this is the hardest phase, and as the kids get older, things will ease.

I never considered quitting work, though. Looking after my kids all day every day is exhausting and I think I would hate it. My husband and I both work full time and have successful careers, and neither of us plan to set those aside for the time being. My husband is in a particularly stressful, long hours role.

I know it's a total luxury in the current environment, but in addition to having the 1yo and 3yo in nursery full time, we have a part-time nanny for three evenings a week on the days I'm in the office, so I don't have to stress about getting back in time to pick them up. She comes around 3, tidies, helps with laundry, prepares their dinner, then goes to pick them up, feeds them, bathes them and gets them ready for bed. I get home around bathtime so still get time to talk and play before I take the little one to bed and the nanny puts the older one to bed. Having her also means that once the kids are asleep, I come downstairs to a tidy house rather than having to devote another 40 minutes to cleaning!

It just gives me the breathing room to focus on work without constantly worrying about the home situation. My kids love the nanny, and I'm so grateful to have her help so that I can be successful in my career. And we are going to be especially grateful to have her once our daughter starts reception next year and will therefore have a shorter day!

If you can afford it, I'd recommend getting someone in to help. Even just one day a week could make a difference by giving you a bit of a break. Or do you have any family locally that could pitch in?

Your husband is no where near pulling his weight. Setting up a direct debit and taking the car for an annual MOT is not sufficient. You are doing all of the grunt work. And now, because its too much (because he isn't doing enough), it's you that seemingly needs to make changes to your own financial detriment.

I do 2 days a week and that’s a great balance for us, enjoy my career but almost like a SAHM too

@caln just quit and spend precious time with your family. It's not worth the stress and you're missing precious time of their childhood which you won't get back. No one on their deathbed wishes they worked longer hours. You're not going to regret spending more time with your children.

I am not massively worried about being left with 'nothing' in case of a divorce.

We own everything 50/50. I could also help in the business of which I own 50 percent anyway.

I also have my own nest egg/ savings and I have a very supportive family who'd be there for me if I needed them etc.

what would happen with your career , your self worth ?
why dont you get help?
a cleaner

I would also keep the kids at preschool and nursery some of the time.

I could get back into it if I wanted to in a couple of years when things settle down.

What will I do without my health is the more important question.

If money isn't an issue then some of this can be solved by throwing money at the problem. Nanny, cleaner etc. A friend with 3 young kids (2 in nursery) jointly owns a business with her DH and her nanny does all school and nursery runs and some after school care.
I personally wouldn't throw away a successful career you've built up if this is something you can afford.

If you can afford to do then definitely do it for the short term or long term. As long as you’re still getting NI and pension credits paid plus your husband could pay you through the company so you get wages not an allowance then I’d do it.

Alternatively could you look at additional support such as mothers help? My friend has a wonderful lady who comes everyday 3:30-5:30pm. She does laundry, ironing and makes dinner. One far a week the lady does an additional 3 hours cleaning. My friend gets home at 5:30pm with her three children 🧒 and says it’s been a game changer for her.

Does your company offer the option of you going part-time in the same role? I did that - I have a high-pressured yet rewarding job that I didn’t want to give up when DS was born, but I knew burnout would becoming soon if something didn’t change. I now work three days a week. It’s the perfect (we’ll, as close as) balance - you can retain the career it sounds like you’ve worked very hard for, and you can spend quality time with your children and use some of the days to get jobs done around the house etc.
For me, the option of giving up work felt a bit like I’d lose some of my identity. Is that something you’d feel too, or would you be happy to be a SAHM? Would it be easy for you to get back into your industry after a few years completely out of the game? I mean, do things change quickly in your role?
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would go part time and in 6 months if things were not better I would quit.

Work is a big part of my identity and I would struggle without the mental stimulation.

I don't want to be mean but it won't be easier when the kids are in school 6.5 hours a day for 39 weeks a year. There may be wraparound care, often on site, but there'll be a lot more juggle. Dropping them off in one place that's open 8 til 6, 51 weeks a year is expensive, but it's straightforward. Kids get more independent but they also stop going to bed early so you lose a lot of child-free evening time.

It's worth looking at long-term but adaptable solutions such as a nanny, housekeeper, moving closer to family etc. DH evolving his role in the business to be around a bit more. One or both of you going part time could be fantastic, but it might not be just for a couple of years so consider it carefully.

At those ages, 3 days per week was enough for me. Definitely look at options to stay in role before quitting.

Also would your work offer a sabbatical that might give you a break to consider?

That's true,

My oldest has been going to a school hours nursery anyway for a year now, so I'm used to the hours. They have wrap around care.

I just think it will be easier as I hopefully won't be as sleep deprived.

I was going to say the same about school being more of a logistical challenge, at least until they are 9/10 and old enough to walk home alone. The advantage for me of 2 school age kids is they almost never wake at night, they get up together in the mornings and watch TV, they get themselves dressed etc. They do have more going on in terms of homework, swimming lessons, clubs etc.

It sounds stressful, so I would think about what changes you can make as a family, but I would consider changes might last for more than 18m and see if you would be happy with that.

You might do if you don't have much of a pension.