Considering giving up work or going part time

[caln]

I'm running myself into the ground quite frankly and I don't recognise myself anymore.

We have two kids under 4 in nursery full time.

I have a full time job from home ( mostly ). I travel internationally a couple of times a quarter. My job is high pressured, results driven and cut throat. But pays well.

My H has a job that keeps him away for the entire week usually and sometimes also one day at the weekend.

Household tasks are shared as follows ( roughly ) :

H does bills and admin, garage/ garden / bins

I do everything else and also have a cleaner once a week thankfully

On a daily basis I'm responsible for the children day and night unless they're at nursery ( including sick days ). Night time is also completely me, by myself.

My health isn't the best and I don't feel like I'm looking after myself. I just don't have time. In addition to all of this, I also find that I procrastinate endlessly and find focusing on work a daily struggle. This means I allocate a lot more hours to tasks and in turn, I don't make good use of my time. For example if I was more organised I could exercise regularly during the working day ( at lunch or before picking up my kids ). I've tried that but my work really suffers.

In any case. I feel like I'm really running myself into the ground. My H's job cannot change and he makes more money than I do at the moment.

I feel like if I went part time or just packed it in until the kids are born at preschool and school full time. 18 months way, things could be easier for me and I could resume ? Is that even possible ?

I'm just so run down and I can't see anything changing with my H contribution to our lives. He has his own business which is really taking off. I have a good, well paid career, but it's been challenging the last couple of years in my industry and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere recently.

Has anyone gone part time or packed corporate work in for a while, when the kids were small ? I think two big careers with small kids is a difficult thing to juggle and I've got the short straw. So why the fuck bother.

Yes, sleep deprivation is really shit 😴 I didn't realise that was a part of it too. I think, if you can keep your current role, drop to 30 hours immediately. Keep the kids' schedule what it is for a few months and take the day off each week to rest and recover (and inevitiably do housework.) Another consideration would be a few weeks of parental leave - though work might ask for this to be delayed until after Christmas / Easter and it would be unpaid, but might allow you to catch your breath.

Any way to change your hours around to give you some you time? I do 10 hours Mon to Wed, 8 Thurs, 2 Fri. On a fri since little one was about 2 he has done 'school hours' in childcare and I just have some time for me. It feels a bit off when he does childcare Mon to Thurs already, but it's really changed how I found life - and when I lose a couple of hours of earlier in the week due to appointment or whatever I just do them on the Friday without having to stress too much

I’d echo this. My two starting school has been much more difficult to juggle than nursery – there is a lot more to do at school age and while they are more self sufficient than when they were very little, things have got a lot busier, and school can very demanding of your time.

DH and I both have big jobs, and we only WFH two days a week. We have a nanny housekeeper three full days a week, but still still feel like I’m on a spinning wheel most of the time.

I have never considered giving up work. I love my job and it brings me happiness. But if you don’t feel that way, I can completely understand your reasons.

I think I will ask about 3 days indeed. To stay in the game and see if life is a bit easier that way.

I do think it's part of my identity to be working but I also think I need to put my health first. I'm really stressed at work at the moment and just feel like I'm not doing a good job anywhere. Home or work.

Cross post with this. You are already juggling school holidays then! For me life is massively easier now mine both just get into bed and sleep for 10/11 hours! For us this was from when DS dropped his nap at 3 and stopped fighting bedtime.

Rather than nursery would you consider a nanny? I'm a nanny and when the parents get home general house keeping was done, kids fed and bathed and ready for bed so she could just put them to bed and everything was done/ready. I'd come to worn the next day and the kids would be in pjs and I'd get them ready and feed them etc, dish washer done, everything immaculate.

This. 100% this.

This.

it does sound like an awful lot but stepping back needs to be a joint decision (frankly if yours is the secure income it’s a risk) and doing it just because your DH doesn’t want to change is a bit shit.

Find your ideal scenario and work back from that.

I've always worked 3 days a week and this has been perfect balance of career v family.
If you do this just be careful that they do employ someone to cover the workload you're dropping otherwise you can find yourself trying to do a full time job for part time pay

I don't mind a nanny for my youngest but my older one is in the year before school and I think it's important she's in a preschool environment.

She really loves it there and I don't want her to stay home. A nanny on top of the school fees is really expensive.

If you don’t feel you’re doing a good job, how does your DH feel he is doing as a parent, as he is away so much? If he thinks all is hunky dory, that’s your problem. It is too much for one parent to do everything - but if your DH is fine with it then there’s your problem.

but no work is also expensive op

You could also do compressed hours - longer working day but not too many.

Maybe a part/time nanny - so you can concretate on your welling being/health etc.

If you're both earning well how about a nanny/housekeeper for your youngest?

I wouldn't recommend giving up your job but going part time is a good option and/or buying in extra help.

Ignore those making snide comments about being a financial dependent with no identity. These are really unpleasant and unhelpful comments.
Only you can decide what is right for you, and without your health you really will have nothing.
You sound exhausted and unhappy. I would initially see the doctor and get signed off work to give you time to rest and think.

A nanny would definitely be the answer but if you’re paying school fee’s for pre school then maybe not. I personally would rather save the money for private school (if I was paying for it which I didn't) for school. But guess you don’t want to change the set up now. Nanny would have been my first choice in your situation and cleaner a couple of times per week, one who will help with the laundry, changing bed sheets etc.

Second choice would be to drop hours. You might find that’s just as stressful as I struggled to fit my job into 3 days. Obviously they’d have to reduce your role, but depending on the role that’s hard. I run a number of teams so they just waited for me to return to ask things etc, so I ended up trying to pack in a full time job to 3 days. Back full time now and it’s actually easier but my kids are grown up now, youngest of 3 is 15. It’s so difficult when they are little, like you my children father wasn’t around much, he went to work overseas which was very helpful, not. Especially as I was struggling with a very serious chronic health condition and constantly having procedures done and needing help, with family 5hrs away.

My last resort would be giving up my job. It’s part of my identity and I would have struggled ‘just’ being mum. But we are all different. If you do take time out, I’d keep it to 2-3yrs absolute max

I was in a similar position and dropped from FT to 3 days per week, my role wasn’t one easily done part time so we recruited someone to do a job share. My advice would be to speak to your work and be honest about the stress you’re under, I know I was tempted to quit as I thought going part time would be out the question but my company was prepared to put things in place to make it work. You might find you can get the best of both worlds - explore that before giving up your career

If you own 50% of the businesses then yes, I would go part time until the dc are older.

I did this last year op and haven't looked back. In my case, kids were in full time childcare which was costing a fortune, and I was working stupid hours with very little work life balance. It was so exhausting and I ended up totally burnt out.

I started a thread here and the general consensus was 'don't do it's and 'don't become a dependant' but I couldn't keep in as it was so I gave my notice.

I took a good three months off and then very gradually started easing back into bits of freelance work here and there. Have a much better balance now a year on and I work part time hours now around the kids.

I suppose I was lucky that my industry allows for freelance work, but even if it didn't, I would have still given it up. Dh and I did do a lot of calculations at the time to make sure that we could afford to live on just his salary.

The job I walked away from was very corporate and decently paid, and I was relatively senior, but I knew it wasn't for me.

A lot of women wish they'd not quit work (aka wish they'd spent more time working) a long time before they get to their deathbeds.

Life is short and tbh recently I’ve really thought about how many people are working themselves into the ground . Health is so important too , as important as money.
I’d go part-time if you can afford it . I disagree entirely that it gets easier to work when they are in school but we have zero family support, in a country with very long holidays and short school days (Ireland ) and have 3 kids .

If you can afford it then I wouldn’t think twice about it.

I would definitely try PT first, as not having a job is great for a while but just being a ‘mum’ can be quite a challenge for some people as they feel they lose their own identity.

Go PT for a few months and if you’re still struggling then give up your job for a couple of years.

I’d also hire things like cleaners as I find it’s the mundane tasks like cleaning that are the most challenging when juggling work and kids.

I went 60%, firstly 3 days then half days. It worked great when my kids were small and I've went full time now they are older. I still have a high majority of the load but it's more manageable now and I'm able to be more organised

Yeah I don't know how I would cope with being 'just' a mum.

It's a tough one. I definitely think I would be looking to get an income some other way. I think I'm feeling this way also because work is so demanding and not going well and my mum keeps saying how I'm going to collapse at some point and how I am not looking after myself.

I also look terrible at the moment. That's always been important to me and I just don't have time to look after myself.

What does your dh say about how much you have on your plate?