Considering giving up work or going part time

[caln]

I'm running myself into the ground quite frankly and I don't recognise myself anymore.

We have two kids under 4 in nursery full time.

I have a full time job from home ( mostly ). I travel internationally a couple of times a quarter. My job is high pressured, results driven and cut throat. But pays well.

My H has a job that keeps him away for the entire week usually and sometimes also one day at the weekend.

Household tasks are shared as follows ( roughly ) :

H does bills and admin, garage/ garden / bins

I do everything else and also have a cleaner once a week thankfully

On a daily basis I'm responsible for the children day and night unless they're at nursery ( including sick days ). Night time is also completely me, by myself.

My health isn't the best and I don't feel like I'm looking after myself. I just don't have time. In addition to all of this, I also find that I procrastinate endlessly and find focusing on work a daily struggle. This means I allocate a lot more hours to tasks and in turn, I don't make good use of my time. For example if I was more organised I could exercise regularly during the working day ( at lunch or before picking up my kids ). I've tried that but my work really suffers.

In any case. I feel like I'm really running myself into the ground. My H's job cannot change and he makes more money than I do at the moment.

I feel like if I went part time or just packed it in until the kids are born at preschool and school full time. 18 months way, things could be easier for me and I could resume ? Is that even possible ?

I'm just so run down and I can't see anything changing with my H contribution to our lives. He has his own business which is really taking off. I have a good, well paid career, but it's been challenging the last couple of years in my industry and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere recently.

Has anyone gone part time or packed corporate work in for a while, when the kids were small ? I think two big careers with small kids is a difficult thing to juggle and I've got the short straw. So why the fuck bother.

Well don’t quit - that just has too many downsides.

Solutions would be go PT or get a nanny housekeeper

Is your DH going to be away all week for much longer, because that and kids is not a great combination

Get the cleaner in more often or get someone who can do more of a cleaner/Housekeeper role also. Once a week is not enough.

You need a Nanny. You have two big salaries, spend it!

Sad for your children that they rarely see their Dad. What happens when he's away and you travel internationally for work? Who looks after them then?

It’s a shame that being a sahp in the pre school years isn’t recognised protected and supported by the government - there’s a choice of either working as OP describes till your mental and physical health start to suffer or being financially dependent

Nanny.

I did part time when mine was small

It's almost certainly cost me one ( significant ) promotion and around 10k a year for the last ten years - but I amnt a great spender

I am part time again as I head towards retirement at some mythical point in time

I would not have done any different - the benefits are way more than the negatives - sanity , time to play , time to look after your health diet and exercise ( which matters more as you get older ) - well worth it

I couldn't have gone full time sahm- couldn't afford to and wouldn't have returned to such as good a job ( fast moving tech sector ) and I like the mental stimulation

I went p/t & still am p/t now dc are in school. As pp said it’s school that’s trickier. Yes it has impacted my career but I still earn well.

Could your DH adjust his hours/job? DH wfh 2-3 days a week which makes a big difference to smoothness of life.

No changes possible currently. He's working towards better hours but right now it's not possible.

It may be possible if I help in the business tbh.

That’s true, my friend works for her DHs business & it means he is around more so win-win.

You've got a lot on your plate for sure but one thing that stood out for me is what you said about procrastination. I’ve had episodes of that in a full-on job, I can do the job in the time but I don’t, therefore the mental toll/guilt and unnecessary stress I’ve added to myself make me further exhausted.

Why are you procrastinating and if you didn’t is the job manageable? Are you also procrastinating on household stuff? Is your sleep quality affected by your to-do list?

For me, looking after my health by exercising and paying attention to diet massively helped with my brain fog and inability to focus. I will always procrastinate but have realised there’s a healthy amount for me.

I’ve had periods of more flexible working, not working at all and part time work but in all honesty in a lot of high pressure target driven jobs (which is what I do) it makes little difference as a part time job doesn’t really remove a lot of the usual annoyances and you just get less money. If you could go part time it may help but it does depend on if it’s really a part time role, not just a slightly less amount of work squished into a too-small timeframe. What I found more useful was just pushing back on the unnecessary stuff, accepting that good was often good enough and I ensuring I prioritise my well-being. Being victim to other people’s schedules is exhausting, you can’t avoid a lot of that with nursery drops and pickups or some meetings but are you pushing back and carving out your lunchtime walk or actually allowing enough time to do the pick ups, not the minimum.

just something to think about as I don’t always think work is the entire problem but how we work sometimes. And mental exhaustion and stress takes a huge toll on our ability to function efficiently.

Sorry I've not read much further than this but just wanted to say take a break.

Health is wealth. Life is complicated. You sound like you have a good, fair set up.

For some people their identity / self worth is tied up in their career or whatever and that's fine if that works for them, but also equally fine not to.

Earlier posters were spot on when they said you can't have it all and be it all. You feel pressured to work like you don't have a family and parent like
You don't have a job.

Hi OP,

I can relate this in many ways although my DH is pretty good around the house and with the kids (so can imagine how much more stressed you must feel). Despite this I feel completely exhausted by the mental load of working and parenting and if I could afford to give up working I would do it in a heartbeat. Not forever but just for a few years until the kids were in school and then maybe something a bit more part time. I've recently returned from maternity leave and I was so happy not working and focusing all my energy on the house and children. Now I'm back I feel like I'm doing a half hearted job of both working and parenting.
If you can afford to do it then I say go for it. Life is too short to be stressed all the time if you don't need to be.